schizophrenia vicious Doctor: "What does the expression, 'The proof of the pudding is in the eating' mean to you?" Patient: "That's my pudding, doctor. All God give forgiveness. Oh, mamma, why did they make expensive weddings? Why don't they stay home, mamma?" 000109 ... Joana. Why can't you shut up? I'm trying to help you. Stop it, please. You're annoying. Don't say that! I didn't say that! Could you shut up, PLEASE?? I will if you start listening to me. That's impossible. Then I won't shut up. LALALALALALA!! Singing won't help you ignoring me. I'm still here. You're still there.... just help me making sense, please... and leave my life then... I will indeed try. But you must be strong and you must ignore outside influences... *Cries*... I can't... I'm too weak... You've been ignoring people for this long... it won't be hard ignoring them a bit more... It will. I'm sure it will. I'm not that strong. People are evil. Then we will kill them. There. They're gone. They no longer exist inside of us. You are free. Can you help me now? Sure. Why not? |*|*|*|How can you ever help yourself if you're so bloody insane??|*|*|*| 000109 ... deb her way of dealing i think though, she doesn't fit the dictionary definition, not really... she just hides behind the people who can help her- they just happen to be within herself but what happens, dear, when you run out of characters and jennifer is not ok anymore? what happens then? pain comes back no matter how hard you try to push it away and it comes back stronger the longer it is put off i know this. please listen to me, all of you, of her, you don't have to hide it's ok to cry 000112 ... vicious all of me is alive in myself and nothing can die without the aid of the others I am a self-surviving organism, and I thrive from within 000113 ... psyki i am so confused. and i don't know what to do. and i don't know what to do and it makes me want to cry. weep. sleep. for weeks without end. i'd like to climb the walls and be free for a while before the karma police catch me and make me cry more. it makes me sad sometimes, being as crazy as i am. at least timothy the magic wasp still loves me. 000122 ... anastacia my calliope plays. my colors swim. I intoxicate the children. dizzy indifference. synthaesia creeps. nature is glorified. the wild west is tamed. like you. you shrew. haha. dizzy mania. amnesia. we dance in the sky. we hold hand through a haze. here i don't exist. i laughed in their faces. scissors and stripes. and me. do you remember the face? i gave them my arms. i looked like a saint. 000318 ... Brad the name of an oh-so-delightful Wayne Shorter album from the 60s. I think my favorite wayne shorter album ever... with joe chambers, ron carter, herbie hancock, james spaulding, and curtis fuller. Great great music. 000319 ... grasshopper quiet your mind. breath deeply. in in in in in in in in in ouuuuuutttttttt why are you fighting with yourself? embrace the quiet, calm voice and silence the rest. 000502 ... MollyGoLightly I know I shouldn't laugh, but it's so funny when he yells those things. No one can really tell if it's the skitzy or the gallons upon gallons of beer. 000524 ... SaMaNtHa i live next door to a schizophrenic...she's kind of strange. she is 52, carries a stuffed rabbit and yells at herself... she controls "air traffic" in the driveway.... hides at the bottom of the pool... she smokes weed though, so she's cool i envy her because she is in her own world, and i can't be in my own...it's not fair... 000901 ... birdmad grendel 000902 ... yes we are no i'm not 000902 ... guitar_freak I went to my therepist and I saw my test results. He said I don't think clearly and that we had a lot of work to do... I looked at the sheet and it said schizophrenia. They think I am phsycotic! that is the strangest feeling in the world. 001104 ... Photophobe I admire you for having the courage to get tested. I just pretend nothings wrong... Surely coping by myself is better than being doped up... No offense. Like I said, I admire you for the courage. 010524 ... TalviFatin Sometimes I feel like I have different personalities branching from my main self. Then I just realize I'm partially an actress and I'm just changing to fit the situation. 011109 ... Aaron to much acid, and not enough reality has made me this way. see through purple, jelly on the tongue, disolve away. mind turns in on me.. voices of my friends take it out on me. i come out of the insulting hole i was in.. open my eyes. i didn't know it at the time but that night i had devoloped schizophrenia. later on.. much down the road.. after trips that had lasted days in time. i heard voices again.. i got help.. being the addict i was it didn't help much.. drugs and a not so stable mentality, take it out on me... later days.. after medication.. therapy.. and more drugs.. an addict being me. they call it psycosis.. or at least calling me psycotic.. no problem... till i trip my way into rehab one day.. state got ahold of me.. silly ex addicts said they were trying to set me free... no.. no.. silly me.. i walked into my forced rehabilitation one day.. tripping after a night of melting and wasting away, piggies winking, faked love, and a lot of insanity, my mind all but shreded paper and a bit of mess, again.. i was sent to a doc.. try to get my mind in place.... once again.. a year down the road.. all alone.. after rinne, after the next one, me alone... lots of speed... a bottle of jack.. a mind to far gone to keep going.. up for days.. broken through a door in everyones mind that should not be opened.. knowing things i should not know.. all put into code.. at last sleep.. once i wake.. the madness had stayed.. still with me.. only not so sharp.. not so much as a thret to my life.. but hanging there in front of me.. moving with me .. tearing me apart.. my frontal lobe is fried. 7 months down the road.. mmm lovely lovely absinthe... trent said it's the perfect drug... it just might be.. but not when mixed with valium and speed.. it's a death for the mind.. still just almost touching the devine.. couldn't talk, shaking like a waking moving earthquake, no control over my jitters, i had had been holding a drink i would have shurly spilt it, rushed to the hospital, the cop popping pills as he drove, in a room, still can't talk, big black man won't let me out, thorazine shot in my ass, still no sanity in site, i just want to leave. if they would have left me at home i would have been fine. made me sign a paper, a release of my freedom to the house of death and sickness that they keep so clean. rushed away to another monument house of the born and dying, whir whir but i can't see the lights.. brought in the back like a shame to the human race.. a mental case.. a ward of the state. up stairs.. in a room, door open.. she hands me a pill.. i won't take anything if i don't know what it is.. somehow i ask her "what is it?" total numb at the sound of my own voice.. she says "atavan" i take it.. she hads me a small plastic cup of water.. take the pill and drink the water, i walk into the room.. i spill the water on my hand. warm to cold in a meatter of two seconds.. i loose all thought.. i think it's a plot against me.. something to lock me away in a place no one can find me.. a jail for thoes with problems.. only in a place that noone knows.. a house for the insane. i run for the door and they shut it as quickly as they can.. i can feel the apsolute look of shock and horror on my face, my escape almost gone the door almost shut, i slip my are through.. so they don't shut it, to hurt me is against their rules, and somehow i knew that.. i just didn't want to be alone, i had been alone to long. they opened the door a little more, just to try to push me back in, first three people, then four, then five.. i think they stopped at five or six, i didn't know i was that strong. at last they gave up the door.. and took me to a room... i had seen this room in movies, a table with arm and leg straps.. i lay down.. they strap me in, as long as i'm not alone.. at least they left the door open.. it's like i'm watching a movie on the wall reminds me of a video game.. a guy walks in.. sits down on the floor.. i slip my hand out of one of the straps, show it to him, all he says is "you should put that back before they ..." and i can't remember the rest. so i put my hand back, and after a little while he leaves.. and they let me out of the room.. tell me to shower and brush my teeth.. i did what they said, then i aksed for a razor, i got given an electric shaver, no way to get a clean shave in there. i was having a nic fit, they gave me gum that tasted like shit. time to kill the pain, they call me for meds.. they give me haldol, benzotrophine, and lorazipam three times a day.. dopped and not in a fun way. when my family came to visit me.. i wouldn't even stay wake.. drooled on the table... and days blending together with a dreamless sleep. five days.. five days of not knowing where i was.. no friends, no one to talk to.. alone and druged.. when i get out.. bac to the doc, fix my head.. yeah.... fix it.. give me drugs.. give me something to fix this.. ohh wait.. arn't drugs what started this... 011109 ... josie the more you separate something the harder it is to put it back together. 020605 ... poetic_onslaught i remember this. derrealization skitzophrenia i think is what they called it. it was brought forth from what i thought to be harmless excitement. i was excited by the nervousness in the pit of my stomach, warm butterfly wings fluttering against my guts. it tickled. i think i messed it up from constantly having this feeling. now i cant even have my stomach touched without it trembling like a terrified puppy. this nervousness was brought forth from having more enemies than friends. the drama excited me so much that it was almost erotic. as a matter of fact, this was my first true love. i was the guy that wouldnt back down and was proud of my gangster role. you know the type....loved by few, hated by most, but respected by all. now that i look back at it though, i imagine that the people that barely knew me must've thought that i had more damaged brain cells than just the ones hurt by drugs. i walked as if i had immobile or rusty joints, because i was too self-conscious. i was so self-conscious that i thought out every body movement before i made it. then i wouldnt agree with my movements as i moved, so i always made awkward body movements. i would walk and realize that my hands were latent at my sides. i would try to sway them and couldnt decide how hard to sway them or if i should sway them in rythem with my feet and i would feel stupid. i was ambivelent to everything. i couldnt even decide on if i wanted good or bad, happines or pain, i even questioned my sexuality, more often than not (but never went to the point of experimenting with it). eventually, i became paranoid. i thought the whole world was against me. my eyes, eyelids, lips, fingers, feet, or other parts of my body would twitch, subtly but vehemently. you could notice when my voiced shaked. but even through my paranoia, i needed this drama and excitement and would hope for me to get mixed up in some sort of violence to unleash the pain i had inside. i was addicted to this violent drug that set me free and i wouldnt let it go, no matter what side effects came with it. since i was paranoid most of the time, i would watch everbody as if they were under my personal microscope. i would study their movements and realize what they meant. i would get</