to_one_who_fears_the_light blown cherry :P You'll just keep hurting me and teasing me won't you :) I want you so much, but I know I'll never have you, will I. I'll just have to settle for your blatherings. 020209 ... blown cherry No reply, have you already switched your phone off to avoid me, or are you being some manner of gutless wonder? Are you so taken aback that I found some of your words? Sometimes I hate you, but I never hate you enough to stop loving you. Why haven't you told me to fuck off yet? Or is the endless torment too amusing for you to let go of? I've made myself angry now. I'm going to have a shower. 020209 ... yes okidy eidhj er voulf nr gtrinfd shsin. i midd uoi, svyis;l;u/ vsm upi nr;orbr o , dsuomh yjsy pg vpitdr mpy. upi fpmy rbrm trsf yjod doyr smu,ptr. pt smu doyr. gpt yjsy ,syyrt/ o hirdd oyd mpy rbrm snpiy upi smu,ptr. oyd kidy snpiy ,r/ oy esd s;;esud snpiy ,r/ o grr; ;olr s gso;itr/ ejsy o trs;;u esmy mpe od gpt ,u epmfrtgi; gosmvrr ypn yp np,r jp,r smf hobr ,r s nih dwuxx;r smf jih smf lodd/ o ,odd jrt ejo;r djr od eptlomh/// pu ,r/ 020210 ... blown cherry Thanks for the hours. I wish you didn't only want me when you're drunk, but I'll take you any way I can get you. It was the first time since I read your thoughts. It seemed easier. I knew a little better what to do. We both seemed happy today. I was. I thought you were. I can't help but smile when you are. I have to. My eyes followed you everywhere. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew where you were every moment of today, almost like being there with you, but then again, totally unlike that I guess. I can remember your hands, your beautiful strong hands. Grapsing my hand, clenching my wrists, then feeling every line and crease on your palm to embed it in my mind forever. I copied it so I can always have it when I want it to hold. (stop those creeping fingers this instant!) And your eyes. How many eternities passed while I sat looking far into your eyes. I wrote a tiny poem about them a few days ago, the day that they were the bluest I could never have imagined. - Your eyes are a shade too brilliant - They are ablaze in my mind Thats all, only two lines, but more honest words I've never set to screen, or paper for that matter. I sat mesmerised for a lifetime. They were sparkling in a most amazing way. I would have died if I'd been pulled away from your gaze. I don't know what was running through your head then, as I never do, but mine was almost emptied by the complete and utter awe that wholly overcame me. You were never more beautiful than you were in that life I spent looking into your eyes. And now you're more beautiful than...ever? anything? everything? No words can express what I see when I look at you. And no, it's not just that I am an inadquate poet. I know you didn't understand what I tried to tell you about the mountain, but please try to imagine what you do to me. If the summit, the absolute peak is supposed to be it, the be all and end all, no matter how high the mountain is (obviously high in this case), you can imagine being there. You've been there, I've been there. But somewhere along the way I end up taking your detour, and never reach the peak, but somehow end up sailing far above it, beyond the clouds. My body and my mind floating in the ecstasy you bring. Now it's making even less sense. I wish I could show you what i mean, but I don't know how. It probably has something to do with the fact that I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life, including my life, and this not being the reciprocal case, it would be impossible for me to return the gift. You'll probably deny it, and I'll probably regret putting it here, but I love you y'know 020217 ... blown cherry Hmmm, just found your blather of the 020124 stop_haunting_me. I think what you really needed to do was to get a megaphone and stick it up against my ear and yell loudly and clearly "FUCK OFF". Why didn't you? That might have been so much less cruel. I feel like I've just died. It's really hard to receive a clear message from someone who sends you random funny messages, or calls late at night and comes over and watches a funny movie with you, rests their head on your lap even, and then shags the absolute fuck out of you. I don't know how to change myself. If I could I would, and leave you well alone. As it is I try so hard not to annoy you. I quite honestly didnt' buy that ticket because of you. And it actually was you who told me that you had to babysit that night. How on earth could you have been so sure it wasn't you, most of the times you see me you're off your face anyway and don't even remember anything that happened. I wonder if you'll ever read this anyway. When was I parked outside your house waiting for you to come home? I hope you're not talking about that time you started messaging me at 3am on some kind of fucked up drugs telling me that you were odd and all that shit. You were sending really crazy stuff, had me worried out of my mind. I bet josie would have done the same if she'd been in my position. You probably don't want me to mention her right? Hi josie if you're reading this :) If you're ever feeling down, just think to yourself that there is at least one person (read sad psycho) out there who envies you, and feels even more fucked up than you probably think you are sometimes. My mood will change again tomorrow I'm sure. I must read so much wrong. I understand that when you look into my eyes you share none of the thoughts that go through my head, but I thought we were at least sharing in the whole sexual exploration thing. Was I wrong there too? My mood ring has turned absolutely black. I've never seen it do that before. Must have been a death in the family, must've been my soul. And the crazy thing is, if you called again now, like you did last night, I'd still drive over there to be with you. I'm so fucked up aren't I? And the only person I feel I can call on for help is some almost imaginary guy over in Iowa. How ridiculous is this???? What happened to me? I was found, but now I lost me again. And I can't even fucking cry. This has stopped being to him, it's my own personal rant and rave now. Somebody kick me in the head, hard, please, and do it quick. 020217 ... blown cherry I can't say anything right. I can't say it so it's right. I don't want him to read this now. I can feel my sanity slipping through my grasp, rapidly. 020217 ... blown cherry I was feeling a bit more emotional about this particular point before, but having just watched the end of 'Go' I'm in almost what you may call a 'cheery', as opposed to 'cherry' mood. But I thought I'd spu it out of my brain any old how. Just that time, I think it was the first time we really spoke since that fateful first night of the pubcrawl, which puts it circa late August (so I don't know hwere in hells name you pull 9 months from), you explained that there was someone else you were interested in, and that you really wanted to try with them, which is perfectly fair enough, though you were worried that since the last time you had seen her on Wednesday rumour had gotten out that that you had gotten on to some girl at a party on Saturday, so maybe your chances had been dashed, even though that rumour wasn't true. This isn't my main point, but while we're here - hey! You may not have gotten onto some girl on the Saturday night, but you did on the Thusday before it! What am I? Chicken feed? Something should have clicked in my head at that moment, that moment when you overlooked me as nothing, but in all my hopeful eagerness the switch had broken. Anyway. After that bit of the conversation, ie. the nice let down (though a lot of ppl would say it wasn't that nice since you shouldn't have called me out after the pub crawl and taken back to your bedroom if you weren't interested, when you knew I was) I drove you back to your house, and you did that thing where you don't get out of the car, or half open the door and then close it again. So round the corner we went and parked, and there we sat talking for hours, I don't know how many passed. And of all the things you said to me that night, there was one thing that stuck in my head and kept me wondering exactly what it was you were thinking for ages. You said "I probably shouln't do this", and I'm sure everyone knows what came next...of course, he leant over and kissed me. Now my question for tonight is, WHY???? Why did you have to do that? I could have passed off the pub crawl as you just being really pissed, but you were totally sober then. You liked someone else, you weren't interested in me. What'd you do that for huh? Did u maybe like me a little in that way? Were my lips so darn attractive you couldn't help yourself? Were you just horny and somehow a sweet gentle kiss took care of the craving for the night? Did you think I was so damned sweet you just had to find out if my lips tasted like toffee??? If I only ever get one answer or explanation of any of your thoughts for the rest of my life, this is the one I'd want. Maybe I just want to hear that I was in there with a chance, for a brief moment at least. 020218 ... blown cherry I dreamt you were dead. Slit your wrists and bathed in blood. I wasn't even sad. The only change was that my life felt a less complicated and a lot easier to deal with. 020219 ... blown cherry make_up_your_mind I think the only reason I keep writing here is because I don't truly believe you'll ever read it. But little tiny part of me still wishes you would. Maybe then you would realise what an amazing and wonderful thing it is to be in love with you. My apologies to anyone else who stumbles here. I realise these are incredibly long winded blathes, but everyone has their own corner of blather somewhere, don't they? 020226 ... blown cherry Dammit! How do you just 'get over' someone raping your mind like that? Just happily sending messages like it never happened. I know you were mad, I could feel the seething rage coming through my screen seeping into me and killing me from the inside. But now you just send me "Hows not Melbourne?"????????? AAAAAACK! I wondered if you'd ever been so angry with anyone in your life. And now you know that I know. You know that I've read your thoughts and been inside your head. Doesn't that bother you? I guess I do sound like I want you to hate me. Silly, isn't it? Perhaps you just forgot, had a complete mental blank of last wednesday evening, a lapse, and messaged me because you thought we were still at where ever it was we were at before then. I don't know where we are. I don't know where I am, and whats worse is I don't know where I've put someone else. And I know you and certainty don't get along. You sang me that song, I even read the blathe. I claim to be a masochist, but sometimes it scares me shitless. I wonder if I'm just giving myself excuses for my emotions. 020226 ... blown cherry Found it again. you'll_say 020226 ... blown cherry If I could believe you were shallow enough a person to overlook a deep hatred to maintain a back up shag things would be easier. But I think you value your soul more than sex. And I think when you're with me, the two don't even come close. And I find it too hard, because when I'm with you, it's all the same thing. 020226 ... blown cherry Damn. I was in such a good mood b4, I was going to come and spread it all over blather, but then I came here and read, and now I'm close to anguished tears again. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow the only pain I will feel will be in the dentists chair. Secret Hint 1 is great. I have to say that it's not really me, and I think you can tell that, but it's great all the same and I can deal with that. Secret Hint 2 however kinda screws things up and leads me to need to ask again. Especially after having been here. I've been in your head you stupid fuck. I've been to probably almost 200 of your blathes. I've seen the colours that decorate your mind. And you just expect me to waltz right in. You have no idea how hard that would be. The risk of that +1 mace to the head is far too much to bear. I cannot be other people. I have enough trouble being me. Funny, I can recognise your blathes now. Particularly when I know one is on that page somewhere, but even on really really long pages, when I'm scrolling slow, I can get just a couple of lines in and know it's you. And I'm always right. And it's so hard to spend any time with you. The dark never lasts long enough. And now my flat is gone, that one day I spent with you will never be again. I don't know if you understand that I want your mind and your soul much more than anything else. I just take what I can get. The other night, when we sat talking on the bed for a bit, I would have been happy if we'd just done that all night, but then, I don't know how interested you are in talking to me. Or when you were trying out more sounds on the synth, and I was making 'constructive' criticisms. Or when you just sat playing the guitar, again, as usual. I could live in those moments forever. I wish you wanted me. Instead, tonight, I find myself being a pest to you once again. 020304 ... blown cherry Damn me. I almost said it too, the other night, when for a minute or two I though you might have really been asleep. I almost said "Are you asleep?" and apon no reply I would've said "I love you" But I hesitated and you stirred, so I didn't. I wonder how long this one sided hitting-my-head-against-a-brick-wall will go on for? I don't think I really want it to end anyway. I can only see it ending by losing you completely, not by getting you completely, not in the slightest. Although my dreams forsake me. My biggest wish, I think... is that you come here and read this, and decide afterall that I am worthy of you, and you leave just a little blathe, just a tiny one, maybe not even in your name, but something that lets me know it's you, and that you're no longer armed with that mace. Damn me. I'm so dumb. 020304 ... blown cherry I wasn't even a wake for 8 minutes before I was crumbling beneath thoughts of you. How come you get to be the first thing I think of when I wake up? "So who's Natalie Portman then?" You couldv'e cut the air around me with a chainsaw. Was it just my imagination or did everyone kinda feel like they'd put their foot in it because I was there? I don't think it's beacuse you were there. 020305 ... blown cherry I think my psychosis is returning a bit. Over new year I was watching Farscape and there's this thing where Scorpius gets inside Crichton's head, so he sees him everywhere. That kinda started to happen to me. Of course, I knew it wasn't real, not even interactive, but I'd look up and expect to see you there, know the expression on your face. Usually you were mocking me, or putting me down in some fashion. And today in my lecture, I looked up from my page, and from beneath my brow looked straight into your eyes. I have a weird imagination. Far too vivid sometimes, or maybe only in stifling lectures. 020306 ... Photophobe Burning 4 things you obviously haven't realised about me yet: 1) I forget things really fast 2) I can joke and play through all my rage 3) I'm [still] angry 4) what was the first thing I said again? 020308 ... blown cherry hmmm. You took your time coming here. I thought you might have been ignoring it, uninterested in my psychosis. I spose if I knew someone were writing about me I wouldn't be able to resist taking a peek either. Did u read anonymity? I'm not so stupid that I didn't realise what might happen if I went looking for your soul. I took a risk. "Sometimes you get what you steal" 020308 ... blown cherry I'm still waiting for that "fuck off" My head will probably damn near explode if I get it. Every time I read a new blathe by you my head being to burn on the inside. It's a really strange sensation. But if you don't want to give it, or are not sure, or if the urge to give it comes and goes, then thats ok. Anyway, I don't know what to say now. 020308 ... blown cherry you_only_hide 020309 ... blown cherry I wish you'd call. I'v got a whole heap of Red Dwarf vids I hired for Spocksoc and they're not due back until next Friday if you wanna come over and watch some. You might not blather until after that though. I couldn't help but ignore you today. I was so afraid. Afraid of what you think of me now that you've been inside my head too, and seen how putrid and foul it is. The least you could've done was answer one or two of the questions I put on here, but that's just you I guess, though it frustrates the absolute hell out of me at times. I still love you though. I should stop saying that. 020310 ... blown cherry But besides that, I like you. When I first met you I thought now there's a guy that I would probably like if I ever had time to get to know him. And I was right. 020310 ... blown cherry Fear and embarassment. 020312 ... blown cherry Are you actually reading my blathes? The chances of anything coming up on that go button seem so small, but I guess it's possible. Still have Red Dwarf vids. *gives half hearted kinda hopeless smile since she knows he probably doesn't even want to be friends after reading all this shit* 020313 ... blown cherry Geeeeez! You can be so self-centred sometimes! The universe does not revlove around you, and nor do I all the time. Not every blathe I write is about you, so don't go assuming they are and replying to them all willy-nilly unless you're sure!! Still in love with you though you conceited photoidiot. 020313 ... blown cherry Maybe we should get together and have a proper 'spoken' argument one day. Though I guess I've proven I'm much better at writing, no one ever told me anything I said was "brilliant" before. "The spoken word is not a medium in which I can easily defend myself. It's like sending an elf in against a dwarf, with double handed axes as the weapon of choice." (me, sometime in January) Despite the fact that that blathe was not for you, your response to it only feels as though you're daring me to try. But why should I believe me, I have little to no credibility do I? And how the fuck does that work? 020313 ... Photophobe Blazing Yes, thats right. I'm obsessed with you and am now blatherstalking you. Now who's conceited, fucker? And I never use the go button. Not sure where you think I'm assuming anything about who you're talking about. Blathes tonight in which you have also blathered: Emptiness - Quoted billy corgan (smashing pumpkin's song, zero). Didn't say shit about me in it. Little lego man - ok well I KNOW I ripped his head off, but maybe you thought it was someone else and were talking about them. Thats it, for today anyway. So unless you're referring to some obscurity - do you have a friend who's name also translates as bleach? Does somebody else use a handle which means "one who fears the light"? Fuck this. I think I'll just post on red or something, seeing as if I post on the same thread as you then I'm "assuming they are[about me] and replying to them all willy-nilly". Sorry, I didn't realise that each of your blathes was untouchable. That kinda ruins it for everyone else, yeah? Where do you get off, telling me where I can and fucking can't post? *Hint: Now would be a good time to save. Press Ctrl-S to save. *Hint: You've long past succeeded in making me hate you. Push me further and you'll likely make me hate you enough to do all I can to make you break. You think I hurt you when I'm NOT trying? Come on. Keep trying, fucker. Apoligies to eveyone else who just read that. I'm just a little angry :) 020313 ... blown cherry And the funny thing is, I'm not sure how many of these you've read, but even having read this one, you've probably seen deeper into my head than anyone else in this world ever has, and consequently you must know me better than anyone in my life. The me that's lying here under my skin. The me that doesn't worry about whether or not what's in my head is of value enough to anyone else ot bother voicing. Thats kinda scary. Did you realise that you'd gotten so far? Do you care? 020313 ... Photophobe Difference: Your display is volantary. So no. I don't care. Its intersting to see just how psycho you can get, but if you think that I'm going to find some special link with you because I can read what you've posted, then you're wrong. 020313 ... blown cherry hmm, just got the above blathe. Burning sensation in head again. 020313 ... blown cherry goodbye then 020313 ... Photophobe oops, left one out. Godess: yeah well I wasn't talking about you, obviously, if you read it. Sorry to ruin closure and all... 020313 ... Photophobe cant spell goddess even 020313 ... blown cherry well, while we're at it, I meant emptiness. Just the "You can't" bit before the quote. And I didn't mean to tell you where you can and can't post, it's just that reading the page it just looked like the "you can't" followed on from my "...let me fill yours [emptiness]". Of course you can post where and what you like, i just thought that if it was a reply it was innapropriate. Oh yeah, and back at point 2 above, 2) I can joke and play through all my rage joke, play and fuck. Personally I imagine I would have trouble sleeping with someone I held a mortal grudge against. EPILOGUE I'm glad I went through it. I'll get over it eventually. In a way I achieved my goal. I got inside his head. I had an effect on his life, angered and hurt him, things which I never thought I'd be able to do, though they weren't exctly my original goal. Cheers to anyone who came along for the ride and has actually bothered to read this obscenely long page and any other related ones. I think my days on this one might be up now though. Feel free to add comments to this if you're one of those people_who_infringe_upon_blatantly_personal_thread or even if you're not but think you've got something to blather. Blather free. Let no one dictate to you where you may or may not post. I'm hanging up now, okay, bye, no, really, I've got to go, I'll talk to you later alright? We'll maybe I won't, but I've seriously got to go. Okay, bye, bye, yup, okay, bye. Click. 020313 ... blown cherry Thanks for the discussion the other night. I don't think we cleared up much exactly, but it helped a lot, for both of us maybe? Hopefully one of these we'll both be able to figure out exactly what it is we want. From everything. 020415 ... sabbie ... close your eyes ... and you know and i know and i dont have to say it 020415 ... Photophobe bc: Thats ok. I don't remember much of the discussion - I drank a bottle of scotch and as much beer as I could steal and some of renee's bourbon. But ok. sabbie: ? Thats not really adressed at me is it :) 020415 ... blown cherry smiling allow_me_to_refresh_your_memory 020415 ... ok2 please 020416 ... a friendly reminder youregonnaburnyouregonnadieyouregonnaslipyouregoneforsure just when its all going so well. you know I have the power to take it all away from you, reveal to all who you really are. Come on clark kent, wake up. 030514 ... your friend You haven't posted in a while, Blake, but I'm sure you still read it all, so I just thought you should keep in mind: I know your secrets and your demons. You're never going to make it you're going to go down in disgrace. You'll never see the light you love/hate so much- you're gonna fuck it all up before you get anywhere. And I can see it in your eyes every time you meet my gaze. I can see you're bluffing. Give up the game, and come down to all us ordinary people. 030915 ... I know you blake I hear you're back in your ways, decaring your love for her and visciously defending her against criticism. Well, thats what I hear, anyway. You seem to be awfully good at deluding yourself. Deluding yourself that you don't love her, deluding your self that you do. I hope you know what you're doing - I've never seen you act so in love, and so reasonably. 050526 ... blown cherry In answer to your question, Monsieur Photophobe, at only around 3 weeks since my last blathe, I would have to say that it is the latter: brief though my installments are these days, I most certainly have not "quit" blather, rather, it would appear that as you say, your blatherstalking skills are failing you just a little... 121106 ... blown cherry You could always write back you know. Blathering is cheaper than texts. As is facebook, however I note that I seem recently to have been blocked by you. Which further brings into question the motives for your texts. 121106 ... Photophobe Texts are free while blathes carry a toll. You've been blocked for years. 121106 ... blown cherry Unfriended for years, but not blocked, no. I unblocked you myself some months back, which I assume is how you knew about the party (by seeing 3rd party invites in your feed?). I can no longer search for your name, nor see the pretty little photos of that cute girl in the hat, so I assume that you have now put the walls up. I'm tired of this passive-agressiveness Blake. I've outgrown it. If you want to catch then let's just be adults and go get a coffee sometime and be done with all the second guessing and hidden meanings. Everything has a toll. 121106 ... Death of a Rose damn. I'm sorta of glad that I did not intrude. . 130524 ... Death of a Rose although I wished to. . 130524 ... blown cherry DOAR, somehow I don't think this conversation is over just yet... 131230 ... Photophobe It's a filthy view from the back of this. 181110 what's it to you? who go blather from