i_remember Barrett holding her just after a shower and looking at our reflection. How I cherish those moments. 001126 ... how i wish that was true i_remember_nothing 001126 ... Barrett tossing snowballs in the air, as my dog jumped to catch them. Every snowball he caught blew-up in his mouth, so he would bark for another. I miss you Rex. 001218 ... john from michigan but lost in L.A. feeling semi innocent in a worldd that at that time I thought had so much more to offer from other human's with souls, but not souls of their own just souls of another that they took when they decided to close the door on a room that wasn't even half way finished, shattered glass on the floor wall paper not even finished half a livingroom set words still ecohing that never fell on listening ears and me in a corner crying over a love I never had. That was a few weeks ago but today I'm starting to get back up and live my life but that person is still part of everything I do. 001231 ... Aimee when I used to come to blather and play everyday. It seemed like a wonderful place with characters like Daffy and Unhinged. Bobby and Nocturnal. But something changed, and blather rejected me. My playground was gone, my haven destroyed. I miss the days I played on blather and daffy and I would tease each other, unhinged and I were "weird hermit loser fraggle rockers" and Nocturnal was like an older sister, whilst bobby just helped me out. Perhaps blather has changed for the better, and I was holding it back. But I really really miss it some days. I really miss the comraderie that used to be present. I don't blame anyone else for the change in blather, but like everything in nature.. it has to evolve. Unfortunately, I wasn't ready for it. I just thought I'd come back and relive the days gone past. Take care my fellow blatherskites. 020408 ... nocturnal kinda funny we've returned (as ourselves at least) at the same time. I wonder how long this run will last. 020408 ... DannyH Not long enough it would seem. 020417 ... a blatherskite Aimee you act as though you've been gone forever but most everyone knows you've been blathing as Arwyn. 020417 ... elimeny now, i try to forget. but maybe remembering these things keeps me sane. And I was never the kind of person who attempted to block bad memories out. Or the kind of person who tried to forget those sweet ones, so that it wouldnt make me sad that they dont exist anymore. But I've become a different person, you wouldnt recognize me. And i saw your friend tonight, and i wanted to shout in his ear that i am getting laid on a regular basis, because i wanted him to tell you. i want you to know that im getting the memories fucked out of me. but oh God, those memories haunt me. the ones i try to forget. the waking up in the middle of the night sobbing in your arms, crying out names, and you, half-asleep, cradling me back into slumber. and you waking up to rock me and tell me everything will be alright. and now im so alone, and when i wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares so similar, i am the one who has to rock myself back to sleep. and while in some ways its empowering, i am not the dominant woman i try to display. i am still a little girl crying out for affection, though i never admit it to anyone. im still that girl that wants to fall hopelessly in love... and believe in it. but the memory of you keeps pushing that feeling farther and farther away. and it just pisses the stronger me off. why the hell should you have had such power over me? how could i give myself so easily? i fucking hate you. but i dont want to wake up alone anymore. but i havent met anyone whom i would want to cradle me to sleep. maybe im scared subconsciously, and that fear keeps me from feeling things... that girl that was once so intense, so loving, so whole hearted... shes gone now, and sometimes i want her back. half of me is happy im jaded, and the other half wishes for the return of my innocence. its sad that i can have sex with someone and not think about it the next day. its sad that i dont care if my lover spends the night or not. part of me pushes them away, tells him to leave, i dont want you to spend the night... when in the back of my head im screaming "hold me tonight, the nightmares will come, and i will be all alone when i wake up...". but if i admit that, i will be weakening myself. and i will not be deemed pathetic. i am a walking oxymoron i guess. im both sides of the coin, and while i know i have met many who adore that, it tortures me to be everything. my decisions are so difficult. i remember you holding me. i remember our late night skirmishes. "turn the tv off, i cant sleep!" "alright, ill wait until you fall asleep, and then ill turn it on." i remember waking up when you left for work, and sending you off with a kiss. i remember cleaning your apartment while you were at work, and cooking something for when you came home. i remember singing while i was doing your laundry, and you coming home and sweeping me up in your arms after a long day at work. i remember you coming home and telling me all about work, because you knew i would listen and understand. i remember you leaving town, and leaving me all these signed checks so i could take care of your bills. i remember burrowing under the covers on a chilly winters day, and making one another warm, i remember taking care of you while you were sick, i remember you walking into the bathroom and talking to me while i was laying in a nice warm bath, i remember how we would shower together every day, and laugh at how much shampoo i used, and how you used so little. i remember being somewhere with everyone else, and looking at you, and thanking God I had you. i remember standing in the parking lot with you, and looking up at the sky, and thinking i have never been so happy as i am at this exact moment. but its just another fucking moment of my existence, just another moment. and i have watched these moments pass and flicker. and there hasnt been anyone... or maybe there has been, and ive turned them all away, because i thought you were someone, and you walked away from all that. why didnt you call me all summer? why did you leave me so desperately alone? how is it that two people can be so close, so perfect for one another, so united, such a single entity... and then separate in such a violent manner? half of me was ripped away and im still trying to reclaim that loss. part of me likes who i have become, another part is ashamed. i remember everything, tim. i put these memories on the shelf, and try to forget, but sometimes at 230 in the lonely morning i remember. and i just want to know if you ever do the same thing, when you wake up and shes lying in your arms, and you suddenly forget that its not me... and do you miss that? i know shes beautiful, i know shes sweet, i know shes gorgeous and you wanted her for so long, and i know she worships the ground you walk on. but was it worth it? please tell me if it was really worth it when she screams at you for having female friends. please tell me if it was really worth it when you saw my everything shatter before you, and you watched me fumble to pick up all the shattered pieces before you could see i had fallen apart. i remember so much. how do you just forget? 030213 ... piercedjenny ...bottle feeding the kittens we found, whose mother had been run over by a car and staring in your eyes thinking you were the most sensitive man on earth ...the day you came home from overseas and i threw myself at you, so happy you were alive ...the day i came home from work, so upset about not having got the promotion, and you had rented all sorts of "chick flicks" knowing i wouldn't cry in front of you over not getting the WELL-DESERVED promotion, but needing a reason to be able to cry nonetheless. you were my hero ...telling you you'd always only be my best friend, that we'd never be more When I saw you two tonight, my heart broke. You used to smile at me like that, with your hair all crazy and a laugh in your eyes... but now it's all about her. I remember your laugh. I remember your smile. I remember your scent when you hugged me. Mainly, I remember us... and I'm sad that we're just a memory now. 030214 ... Dafremen The adventure continues, or so it seems. What a whirlwind of colors, places, people, thoughts and dreams. Where it will end, I couldn't say, with so many unexpected twists and turns it's a wonder I can even follow the trail anymore. But this feeling in me leads and I will follow, dance the dance of life into tomorrow. Sad, it seems, to have left so many faces behind. Glad to think that so many more lie ahead as the hands of fate push me forward in time. Where WILL it end? When a thousand seeming endings lead only to new beginnings will a glimpse of the final page be forthcoming? Doubtful, and besides, who wouldn't be a fool for knowing the last page, having skipped all the pages in between? The book of life gives you your money's worth, at least the one I've been living has. It's a fable, a fairy tale, one of a billion legends likely to go untold, lost to time in the mists of obscurity. How WILL it end? I do not know, but I'll never forget how it began. Lying there on that mattress on the floor, the sting of an umpteenth beating numb against my cheek. The swelling and pounding pain bringing on sleep. Then three years later or so, waking up in this dream. Perhaps it's real? Fourteen years later, the voice in my head that still wouldn't believe fell silent. So I live that dream now, the fear of waking up in that terrible place again is behind me now. I remember though...I can still remember and laugh with sweet relief. 030215 ... elimeny why is it my life is so wrapped up in my memories? I can read a million sad things, and never shed a tear... but i sob everytime i read this page... all life is is moments passing by... they slip through your hands and just when you think you are happy, it flickers and fades, and passes with the rest. we are rarely happy in the moment. we only remember the moments we were happy. 030305 ... splat doing the time warp 030305 ... Dedisco I never forget, I still know phone numbers I haven't used since elementary school. People say I need to forget. I used to agree. Leno said in a monologue once masturbation makes you forget. So does hitting your head hard against a brick wall. I used to try both. A lot. But it still never really worked. And it caused a hell of a lot more problems. And sometimes I'd say, God, how about doing You and me a favor and letting me start over again...I swear I'll get it right this time. So right. I remember who I was everywhere I've been and I'm always puzzled...honestly confused when someone else doesn't know...sometimes angry even. It doesn't dawn on me they don't remember what they weren't there for. They don't know they could trust me with anything. They never saw the look on the parents of this only child when from birth he started trying to build his own life, wanting to do his own cooking, his own budgeting, design everything, move out at 13 and how he couldn't stand not working though he did his own thing, he made homemade trinkets and such and sold them, he put together a paper to sell once, and then he got old enough to get a paper route and do volunteer work everywhere and got a real job and was planning everything on his own and they were horrified. And he's all they have and he lets them stay involved as much as he can stand it. But I don't remember everything either. Sometimes, though I'm not lying, I'll say something that isn't true. I forgot I wasn't a virgin once but it wasn't a lie, especially since the people it came up around knew better. I never really forget though, just shift things about, misplace memories. Sometimes somebody asks if it's pity that ties me to them...and sometimes it is but when I answer quickly enough I haven't remembered yet the answer is no. I remember my ex telling me before we got involved that she would end up hurting me and she told me not to get too attached. I didn't forget her saying that, I forgot myself, forgot it wasn't something I could ignore, forgot it trumped everything I thought I'd learned since then. Sometimes I forget the things I've done to deserve getting dropped. Sometimes I forget a lot. But then I remember. And it's never a good time. I'll be sitting in class, desperately wanting to know what they're talking about and having been involved only a half second earlier when I remember her saying she'd love me forever...in a silly moment, it didn't mean anything, but I cry when I think about it. I remember and hear her saying what she only typed...lol now whos the pathetic one...I hear her begging me not to leave...telling me not to let her screw this one up. And then I remember the other times. I remember her smoldering and asking her what was wrong and being dismissed. I remember waking up after making love to her the night before and she was sobbing and I knew why and it didn't even hurt really that he was there...just that it meant I wasn't...that I didn't fill that void. I remember things that mean nothing now, things that seemed so significant but time has rendered moot, times she asked me for things I said she didn't want and then when she said she didn't want them. When she told me to snoop around, she'd like that, I didn't. Then I did snoop two months later and she flipped. When she offered to change her religion her home and her biochemistry to please me I said she didn't mean it, and I was right, but it doesn't feel good. I remember things that put it all in context. I'll remember how she swore before she left she'd say something and I wouldn't hear her after she'd joked she was going to...and then all of a sudden I remember her saying I didn't hear her crying next to me that night I fell asleep...and two things that seemed unconnected and insignificant put together make a new memory that changes everything. I remember our first fight. I said she reminded me of someone I didn't date. She said I reminded her of someone she dumped. It was stupid and out of nowhere. I lied and insulted her and she went off to smoke. That was the whole thing. But it was horrible. Horrible. Because everything before it seemed so perfect, the way I remember it. And I remember our first talk ever. And it's not a memory anymore, it's a mistake. It's the time I thought out of nowhere I should ask this girl out, and I didn't, and I don't know it would have worked but it didn't now and it might've then. I remember when she put flowers in my hair. I remember everyone at home so shocked at how fast things were moving and they didn't know the half of it. I remember the look on her face when her Dad called me brother when her mother wanted to call me son and I remember the night I said we should just stay friends. I remember that most of all. And the night she told me the same. I remember saying it couldn't go past Summer, I remember her saying the same. I remember her telling me not to stalk her, I remember her upset she thought I'd blown her off. I remember her telling me she couldn't believe how I took someone so independent and made her dependent on me, how I said I hadn't, I remember laughing even, the idea of her needing me was so silly, but I prayed it was true. I remember her telling me to say how much I needed her, I remember her telling me to learn to stand on my own. And I can never forget those things in permanency, in writing, on the web for all to see, things from a past I wasn't a part of but things that still speak to me because it was who I am that she was asking for. But I've lost my shot, and she'll never forget she tells me. I remember her telling me I was an angel, and I remember how upset she got when I said there might not be anyone better out there. I remember thinking I knew her and thinking she knew me. But I guess a bunch of memories got in the way of all that. I remember her saying she needed someone wonderful to put up with her, and I remember finding out she didn't think I was. I remember two days ago when I started typing this lol, and I remember when I didn't go out of my way to do things I can only get yelled at for at best. I remember her joking she couldn't be with me because of the way I walk, and thinking no, it's because of the way you run. Away. 030828 ... Afro I remember everything, even after this long. From the beginning to that day when you left last year. I try to be strong, but its almost impossible. Do you ever realize we spent almost four years together, and now we don't talk? I remember the beach house, your townhouse, the grape, the long talks at night, the kisses, the tears, the i miss you's. But after all that, nothing. And its not your fault, its OUR fault. We fucked up. But how come I have to still torment myself with the idea that we were actually good together? Just because we were together for so long, that doesn't mean we were good for each other. It just means we couldn't let go. Fuck, I used to thank God we were together, and now I just ask Him to let me forget you. This feeble attempt to write everything down probably won't work, but what could it hurt. You'll never read this, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is shit is like this and we can't do anything about it. I remember so much beck, please tell me you don't forget. Much like the song, I don't want you back, you're just the best I ever had. If only you knew it. 030925 ... chloeNtheSUN i still remember that kid in elementary school that died. him and his mother were in a car crash. and they both passed. i remember that i had borrowed his scissors and giggled at him because they were pink. heh. i didn't get a chance to give them back. 040701 ... pete i remember november, i remember june and july. they run parallels in their smiles, will they run parallels in their pains? 040702 ... once again I remember these words. Though I never read them before. I remember these feelings, not quite my own, but so like them. 040702 ... emmi i remember it well the first time that i saw your head round the door cause mine stopped working i remember it well there was wet in your hair i was stood in the stairs and time stopped moving i want you here tonight i want you here cause i can't believe what i've found (damien rice, lisa hannigan) 041105 ... CaMo the days at the pool that I wanted to hold you, and you didn't know it.. the days I wanted to tell you how beautiful your hands were, and you didn't know it.. the nights that I wanted to lay with you in your bed so that you weren't lonely, but you didn't know it.. the nights that I wanted to tell you how I felt and how much I loved you, but you still didn't know it.. finally, I blogged about you. Blogging about your boss is never good. Especially if you're in love with him.. but now you know it.. and now, I hold you every day, I tell you how beautiful your hands are, and how beautiful the rest of you is.. I lay with you at night so you aren't lonely in your bed.. that is now "our bed".. And now I tell you everyday how I feel and how much I love you. I kiss your eyelids after you fall asleep. and I love every second of it.. Somehow, you were once only a memory, and now you're here to stay. And I tell you every day.. "I'm gonna marry you." And I will. I love you. 070325 ... ungreat i remember when i thought true love was a given. when life was beautiful, when i was happy, when every book i read changed my life in some way, how i'd feel powerful like i could change things or at least myself and make a work a fiction a true story because i wanted to be inspiring like holden because i want to be quiet like charlie, because i want walk dozens of blocks in new york city like sylvia plath, because i want to wash myself away in the ocean like the awakening, like i want to jump on a boat and stare into the soul of a white demon beneath murky uncertain waters. i remember wanting to be different and wanting to change lives and wanting to make things better, and now i know im lost in reverie of days past when i was innocent and optimistic. I remember all the hurt too but ive filled it in with pages and pages of rejected english class reading. 070909 ... feelings from previous lives 070909 ... auburn waking every morning and running to blather. That pattern has quickly renewed itself. 071105 ... Isaou I can't remember. I can picture us in my head, but I'm always looking down on both of us from above, what does this mean? I remember the situations, but not the emotions, I can not remember them actually happening to Me. It was too perfect. And your heart didn't get faster. Or harder. Remember? Cos I can't 071105 what's it to you? who go blather from