messing_with_blown_cherry's_head blowncherrysaidshewouldntblather2nite There's a two month waiting list apparantly. Medicare will cover most of it, but there may be a nominal charge. I'm scared that they will try and remove what is my greatest weakness.... but at the same time my greatest strength. 020507 ... blown cherry She reassured me they wouldn't take anything from me, only try and build up some bits that are already there. Are they there? How do they know? So many little pieces of paper. Little cards, appointments, names, more appointments, this doctor, that one, refferal letters. The little stack of cards in my back pocket with all the important information that is currently being the sticking glue for my life, grows fatter and thicker with each passing moment. Who'd have thought going nuts would involve so much paper work? 020510 ... blown cherry She handed me the script, and I stared at it for a little while, fingering the edges of the paper whilst the logistics filed though my head. "How much is this likely to cost?" "Do you have a health care card?" "Not at the moment, no" "Probably about $15" "Oh, I can probably borrow it off someone...." "Hold on..." She turned her chair and started fossicking through a cupboard. When she turned back, in her hand was two "starter pack"s of EFEXOR-XR, enough to last me two weeks, and then she told me to come back then and she'd give me some more :) She seemed very hesitant to let me leave her office, as though as soon as I walked out the door I would top myself. As though as soon as she stopped talking to me I would slip through the floorboards. Creepy stuff. They mess with your head. Yes I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things these days. I'm scared of exploding. I'm scared of flat lining. But right now I think I have to opt for the latter. It's a blatant contradiction of myself, but, for now, there is little other choice. Like I said to her, "I don't trust myself to not get into a state where I might let things go..." 020514 ... blown cherry I am disturbed. Wait! I'm sure I can find a better word than that. I am perturbed. That's a little better. Read the first version and one may get the wrong idea. I've been on these pills for a week now, which is roughly how long I was told it would take for them to kick in. And today I tried to feel something. Anything. I tried for depression, excitement, anger, any of the extremes which I call home, and zippo. Zilch, nada, nothing. Flatline. I did manage 2 stomach butterflies over seeing Star Wars for the second time, but it was only two, and they were a little forced. Actually, they might have been moths. I tried to get pissed off enough at the customers to kick the draw closed. I managed some level of frustration and rudeness, but not enough to raise that foot. I'm wondering if maybe this really is my mood. I got some news on Saturday that was a mixture of good and bad. On the one hand, if you pull it to pieces, it could have shattered me, but on the other hand, the way in which it was delivered, and the other news in which it was wrapped, could have elated me. So perhaps these two are averaging out to some kind of happy medium. Hmmm. Perhaps I am kidding myself. I think I should be feeling something dammit. If I feel nothing I can't be me. Feeling is what I do better than anything else on earth. I do it better than I breathe. I still love, but love is not the same as raw emotion. I did not know myself today. An unfamiliar half grin slouched up and plonked itself, uninvited, on my face, and from there it would not budge. I'm thinking about going off these pills already. Whoever I was today was not someone I think I can be comfortable being for any extended period. Goofy grin /= self satisfied I'll give it a bit longer though. I'll see how someone else's skin fits for a change. 020520 ... blown cherry I was a lot better today than I expected to be. There were a few tears that threatened early on when I got up, but for the most part the weather stayed clear. High pressure systems emerged on arriving at work, but by about 4:20 they had walked out the door in their green Israeli army jacket. I let my Smile Button see the sadness in my eyes, but not on my face, the sad smile sticking with me throughout the night. But no torment filled my soul. Not a box was kicked. One customer was Almost snapped at. Very good for me. But still, I don't know if my emotions are being naturally balanced, or forcibly. I really don't want to lose this rollercoaster of passion that is me. These drugs scare the absolute shit out of me. 020526 ... broken cherry Perhaps all of that before was merely a placebo effect, or maybe I was actually not depressed for a few days. Today I felt the familiar waves of rising panic in my stomach. Familiar pangs in my chest as tears are painfully and tightly sqeezed out through those transparent windows to the soul o'mine. The futility of my feelings the futility of this writing the futility of my heart the futility of my work the futility of my life the futility of my existence are all blatantly apparant to me at this moment. So does it surprise anyone really that I wonder at the futility of taking these pills the futility of any treatment the futility of trying to change the futility of being me. 020602 ... blown cherrys intentionality I forgot to take the little happy pill today. I forgot to take the little happy pill yesterday. I'm going to forget to take the little happy pill tomorrow. I'm going to forget to take the little happy pill the day after that too. I don't want this existence. 020610 ... Betwixt But, your vitamins are important *nudge, nudge* 020610 ... blown cherry I've been so dizzy for the last two days. The world just won't stay still, and every foot-fall pounds directly into my head. They asked me at work if I wanted to go home because I was having trouble standing up, but I need the money so badly, that despite how much I wanted to go and lie down I stayed. And the lights, goddamn those lights. It would be pitch black outside, and I'd walk into work, which is really not an overly lit atmosphere, and be blinded. If I'd been able to wear sunglasses indoor at night without seeming too much the weirdo I would have. Maybe I wouldn't have had to squint so much. Then I figured out why the light was seeming so overbearing, it was because wherever I looked in my direct line of sight was dim-ish, but everything in my peripheral vision was blinding, like sunlight being reflected off a wide, clear ocean. I hope this is better tomorrow. The reason that this is on this page is because I don't think that these are symptoms of being normal-sick. My glands swelled up a few days ago after a night out on the piss, but that always happens, and this seems completely unrelated. Withdrawal symptoms maybe? Fuck, I went off the bloody things so I would know what was me and what was them, but now I still don't know. 020611 ... Teenage Jesus What do they have you on anyway? A Tri-cyclic? An SSRI? Some kind of benzo? Just curious. 020611 ... blown cherry I was on EFEXOR-XR It says that the active ingredient is Venlafaxine hydrochloride if that means anything to you. Cute little capsules just jam packed full o side_effects 020618 ... blown cherry Surely coping by myself is better than being doped up... 020618 ... Teenage Jesus Effexor is an SSRI (serotonin re-uptake inhibitor.) What are the side effects? I have found SSRI's to have no recreational side-effects. Hold out for the good stuff. Tell `em, "I'm not depressed, I just get anxious and panicky..." You might just luck oput and get some Ativan, Xanax, or Valium. This assumes of course that you enjoy that sort of thing- You don't though, do you? 020618 ... Mahayana Effexor or any other SSRI would make you sensitive to light both natural and unnatural, just thought you might like to know that it [is] one of the major side affects of being on an SSRI. 020618 ... Mahayana wait that doesnt seem right! actually Effexor is [not!] an SSRI, Venlafaxine (Effexor®) is a bicyclic antidepressant that inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, norepinphrine, and dopamine. This drug is used in the treatment of depression but is also used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or Fibromyalgia Because of the very short half-life, venlafaxine should be discontinued gradually over at least 2-weeks. If venlafaxine is suddenly discontinued, a withdrawal syndrome involving fatigue, nausea, dizziness, headache, insomnia, and nervousness, may develop Venlafaxine seems to have the relative freedom from side-effects associated with the SSRIs [fluoxetine , sertraline , paroxetine, fluvoxamine ] and the impact on both the serotonin and norepinephrine associated with the tricyclic antidepres- sants (amitriptyline , imipramine etc.). it is hypothesized that the action of the venlafaxine molecule upon both serotonin and norepinephrine will cause venlafaxine to be a successful antidepressant for some people who have not responded to treatment with SSRIs 020618 ... god give me a wilma and two betties any day. 020618 ... Teenage Jesus Ooops! I sit corrected. Perhaps I was thinking od Celexa? I'm not sure; I just know I don't want any! (SSRIs, that is.) ...and...WHERE THE HELL ARE MY DAMN ASPARAGUS SEEDS!?! ;( 020619 ... blown cherry One of my friends is on Xanax I think. He likes it, but he also likes to blame all his problems on his depression. Using it as an excuse for ALL his behaviour. If he is under any kind of emotional strain, he walks around clenching his fists and making all the veins in his neck pop out saying over and over "i can handle this, I can deal with this" which he claims to do by shoving his feelings so far down that he can pretend he's not feeling them. He tends to get really uptight a lot, which usually ends up making me get so frustrated with him that I either begin to scream at him or I hit him right out of the blue. Such behaviour from myself would normally be a cuase to worry, but I've never had this reaction to anyone else, and I've done it to him several times, which I believe means it's strictly a him thing, and so no need to worry. Anyway, that was kind of off the track. TJ, see side_effects for the complete list, the only ones I experienced though were what I wrote before, and also an uncrollable urge to keep eating, which I did for about 5 days straight, though I think I've finally started to slow down again now. I did lose a heck of a lot of weight when I first went on them though, so I think this is me evening out again, which is good really. I finally threw out the empty pill packets today. I couldn't throw them out here at my house because I knew my parents would see them. So I took them to work and threw them in the bin outside there. I still have 3 weeks worth sitting here in front of me, and 5 months worth of repeats on the prescription. I'm keeping them around because I like the reminder. Thanks for taking an interest guys :) 020619 ... blown cherry I feel like I'm slipping aagin. I seem to be running downhill and I'm not sure how to stop. I'm well practised at squelching the rising panic, but when it arises so frequently it become harder to fight. I should call, but I don't want to wake you not til I'm sposed to at any rate :) And I think the blathering has filled my mind for a little while at least, until my computer shuts down and causes the sun to rise again. 021109 ... blown cherry carrying an axe Still, it might just be stupid overprescription of hormones. Logically, twice the pill could mean twice the ill. Watch that hormonal mood swing now. 021109 ... belated dax I know someone who's been through effexor. When he quit abruptly (a VERY bad idea) he got a bad case of what is known as "the zaps" which i also experienced when i made the same mistake with paxil. The withdrawl symptoms were normal and would have been greatly lessened if you had eased off of them instead. You need at least a full month to really see how the medication is going to work for you, if not longer. The first few weeks will have strong effects, which will dissipate in coming weeks... even out so to speak. My friend quit taking them because between effexor and some nasal steroids he couldn't stay away. He'd sleep all day. Effexor is the newest, latest and greatest. It's supposed to be better than SSRI's with less side effects. However, because everyone is different, and suffers from different chemical imbalances (if they suffer from any at all), it will not work well for everyone. 021109 ... broken cherry I don't feel like I'm slipping tonight. No, tonight I fall. 021111 ... blown cherry My body is taking its time adjusting to these drugs. Three months worth of hormones pumped into an unsuspecting upper arm and there's no escape. Physically it's irritating, but I can deal with that, and a little understanding on the part of others makes it all fine. But mentally, I can feel myself losing control. I'm used to letting my emotions dictate to me, but the filter that my consicous mind usually maintains is beginning to fail. I'm screaming on the inside and begging for it to stop but my actions are no longer my own and I crash myself into a wall, sliding to a huddle on the floor, in tears I can do little to stop. The down swings are sharp and fast and the Cheryl that passes through the upper layers of mood and survives to fall out the bottom is a beast with no remorse. and_i_wonder_how_i_should_feel to be trapped inside myself and_i_wonder_how_i_should_feel afterward when all I can do is apologise, though it's not enough when it only happens again I suppose feeling scared is really as good as anything else. 021224 ... blown cherry And so we come once more to this dark page, my old friend. And just in case you ever try that google thing again, here you go: Damian James Whitby I feel so utterly utterly healthy tonight. You just grab my brain by the shoulders and shake it until it straightens up and flys right. And at last I have someone to play magic with again! Life is going to go on. I have to let go of what isn't there to be held on to now anyway. But you'll be there, my rock until you drink yourself into an early grave. There is just no need to do this to yourself. Captain's Log, Stardate 050125 1:41am Just got home from the greatest night I've had in years really. I've been grounded again. He reaches out and grabs that recognizable part of me just when I'm not even sure it's there anymore. But a warning to all; Demonlover is the shittest movie ever, the only redeeming feature was the small snippets of Hentai they slipped in, and then that only appeals to a select few anyway. And fuck I'm hungry, and I can eat! My life has come back to me with force, and I'm glad we didn't work it out the first time because we would never have this now if it had. Perhaps this is what we were always meant to be. Two people who know eachother to an extent that seems beyond what might be humanly possible. There is a question you might have noticed that I avoided asking. To tell you the truth I kind of hoped it was behind us, and despite all that I've just been raving about, this is the one grey area, because I'm a little afraid to look at it too closely. I'd truly hate to think that throughout everything we've shared, that I might be causing even the slightest twinge of pain. That would just undo everything. But I digress. Maybe tomorrow I won't wake up wanting to die. Maybe tomorrow I won't need that counsellor's appointment afterall. 050124 ... blown cherry So, my counsellor has cut me back to one appointment every 1.5 weeks, instead of once a week. This is largely because my panic is starting to subside. Indeed, between the previous two appointments I don't think I felt the rising panic feeling at all. Unfortunately, however, this week has not been quite so great, and that familiar feeling of impending death has crept in around the corners of my existence just once or twice. And we are yet 5 more days away from a counselling session. The latest gem from the counsellor is that I need to learn to be ok on my own, that it's ok to accept a life without a significant other. A life without love hey? I life content without looking for love. Is that not a sad existence though? To be without the desire to love and be loved? To simply be the only one for whom you live your life? I understand the theory, the concept behind being able to stand alone, but to not even desire love seems a waste of a life. These are the things we live for, beauty, poetry, close friendships and love. All else is incidental. But yes, I will put myself first and I will give myself time. I will learn to be patient and to fend off the sharp toothed, snapping jaws of panic when they come scraping along the inner walls of my ribcage. blown cherry ain't gonna drown this time. Not today, at least. 090722 ... unhinged what_a_paradox i would ask that counselor if they would be okay without a significant_other . 'okay' is quite a few steps below happy also. my panic immediately and significantly quelled when someone started hugging me on a regular basis. i personally do not find 'okay' to be a satisfactory way to go through life. 090722 ... TCMT it isn't. Why be content with okay when you can have great....at least for a little while. The memory of having "great" is infinitely better than a whole lifetime of "okay." 090905 ... blown cherry what about the memory of "great" followed by a lifetime of "shit"? I think I'll take the whole lifetime of "okay" in that case. But lets not dally in the semantics. I said I wasn't going to blathe today, but my state of mind got the better of me. I feel so, so isolated. I can't even bring myself to send a text to any of my friends, let alone call. I feel as though I am alone on an island and my voice is lost to the wind. And I am cold. 090906 ... TCMT Well...great followed by a lifetime of shit will make one prefer a lifetime of okay. But I don't know...why a whole lifetime of shit? Is good beyond reach? 090907 ... blown cherry at this moment yes. I've determined to go back to the doc and ask for the meds. I thought I could get through this without them, but clearly not. 090907 what's it to you? who go blather from