cutting me this is the centre of my fucked up world, yet i hide it from all others 001228 ... Thyartshallshant See: "cut" 001230 ... Chrity go to: i_have_words 010409 ... // i've started again... i hate myself for doing it again, but i love to do it, i deserve it. i love the pain.. this time its getting harder to hide. all up and down my left arm, i don't think i'll be able to stop this time, not until i've gone to far. these are the scares left on my mind showing up on my arm. 010619 ... unhinged the anniversary is getting closer. it's creeping up. but i won't be here for it. i won't be able to sleep in the same bed and i won't have the same tears to cry. every time i talk to him something new comes to mind. but then i would have given anything to say just one word to him that he listened to. he might have started me doing it but there were others to continue it. i was using any excuse to make scars to plant in the scar_garden. but one day i decided that i had to stop. people were noticing. i didn't want to hurt my mom. it was another secret just like my cigarette smoking that i was hiding from my violin professor always wearing long sleeved sweaters to cover up in my lessons. i didn't need another lecture in seminar...and i know that he just would have looked at me like that. i wouldn't have been able to handle that admonishing father-type head shaking thing that he always does at me. not for this. things have just been stopping me. hiding it is too much work because there is only one place i will do it. there is only one place that i can look at anywhere and see the scars and remind myself. and in the summer time it is a hard place to hide. so i just don't anymore. i could have when i thought she lied to me. i could have made some more triangles. but i didnt. i think it is something that is past me. i hope. maybe. for now. 010619 ... Dafremen Whew...I stopped when I turned 18. I knew it was stupid long before then. 010620 ... neko slice sharp, snicker snack, i am cutting for insulating windows today. 010620 ... yummychuckle i only cut my left arm or left side. Its not only because I'm right handed, its just i favor my right side and if I hurt my right side I am instantly mad at myself and pampering my right side to make up for it. what gives? yeah its dumb and all, and everytime I do it, isay "this is it, this is the last time" but I do it again... well this time its over...heh. anyways peace. 010622 ... kinkazoid have you ever made just a very slightly deep cut with a razor blade, then shoved the razor blade back in the whole and spun it around, or moved it back and forth real fast? it causes alot of physical pain but is great when you have too much emotional pain that you cant deal with 010622 ... kingsuperspecial Though I can fully relate to these ideas, it also makes me sad to think of all these souls taking this shit out on themselves. before the mighty zoloft came and took me to safety, I used to get depressed, and with that would come a subtle, gnawing physical discomfort. It's hard to describe, but it was almost like when you lay on your arm while sleeping, and then wake up and you can move it or feel it. Just the slightest sensation of tingling, like something isolated from myself, but it would happen from my inside out over my whole body, like my blood was replaced with cold, numbing ooze. At times I was faced with the incredible urge to CUT into myself to let those things out. I'm glad I never did, though. As the years go on (and believe me, kiddies, they do go on) I've come to appreciate that it's me (and my body) against the world. I've got enough scars in memory and my heart, and I'm having a hard time making those scars hurt less. I'm glad I don't have physical scars to remind me of all the bad things I've thought about myself. 010623 ... // so much tonight... gd it feels good. i miss this much pain. i just hope i can hide the cuts for the next few days... 010702 ... freakizh maybe if i bleed i will remember what's like to be alive. that, or fresh air. 010801 ... NiCci Deep crimson tears burn sweetly down my skin- Staining its selfish pleasures on my hands. And though Im shamed to my very bones, I relish in this moment- because it feels better than anything else. 010908 ... Id Lab see also 'scars' An insult may be cutting, cutting may be an insult. The self-mutilator is always blameless, but the marks confer the blame onto others. 010922 ... i looked under a rock and found... i just wanna peel it all away and crawl out like the insect i am no chrysals for me just the empty shell where i used to be (so i made a big mistake try to see it once my way) 010922 ... misstree she wanted a lizard on her left breast in a permanent red welt because it was *right*, because they gave eachother power. 010924 ... unhinged i left it for somewhere around six months. it didn't seem right. and today i picked at the scabs in music history and made it rebleed. he was watching me, i had the perfect peripheral angle to tell exactly what he was looking at without turning my head the slightest of degrees. and i didn't care; these ones needed to make good scars because i can't do it again til after sunday. the magnetic question mark stuck to the blade contains more irony now than it ever did. i need some replacement razorblades...i wonder if i asked her for some if she would suspect. hhhmmm.... 010924 ... psychobabe i have lots of friends that did cut themselves, and plenty that still do. Sad really cuz i was to for a bit but just kinda grew out of it. Thank god. I dont want to go back to that, thinking i needed to cause myself even more pain than i already was in. But the sad thing is knowing my friends do it, the ones i care most about are hurting themselves but they dont actually realize cuz they claim they are numb...i just kinda wish they knew what they were doing 010928 ... shiva is a terrible thing to do to someone else. i know that she's home. the light is still on. 011030 ... Freak The more you do it the easier it gets. It starts out with little scratches but before you know it your dragging the knife across your skin like its nothing at all. It doesn't even hurt, but I don't do it for the pain anyway. I do it for the feel, touch, taste, release, experience of it. 020424 ... Sailor Jupiter see: "mercy_blade" In Psych I learned that cutters are trying to regain a sense of control over themselves. It is also a coping strategy with pain. The physical pain makes you remember you're not void of emotion. I am an infrequent cutter...but I make myself bleed about 1 or 2 times a month. 020424 ... nellie its often mind boggling what one can find on the net. wandering around the other day i came across many websites dedicated to self mutilation. not the "you can find help you dont need to do this" kind of websites but the "we are proud to be this" kind. i found out that females are more likely to cut or scratch themselves whereas males are more likely to burn themselves (does one get ash embedded from cigarette burns i wonder?) in self-mutilation. but that word is taboo, too many syllables i think. the children now call it simply 'cutting', and they themselves are 'cutters'. i read somewhere of a girl who carved CUTTER deep into her arm and now has the words embedded there in raised pink scars. its a secret club you can belong to by simply picking up a knife. you dont need to know the secret handshake, you just need to raise your sleeves or pant legs, expose your stomach or your breasts to make new friends. darling, you can make friends by doing those last two anyway, and you dont need to have scratched DUMB FUCKING KID into your skin with your big brothers pocket knife. self mutilation is no longer a coping mechanism, scars are the latest fashion assessory. i dont weep for the future, i can see it. its 14 years old, has a penknife in one hand and a keyboard in the other and it sits in a darkened room and contemplates the way the light from the computer screen shines through its tears making it look all romantic. i hate you all. 020807 ... Torch Cutting and buring are just two ways that people make them selves hurt for one reason or another. Cutting and buring are looked down uppon. In truth really almost every one hurts themselves in some way. There are the jocks that play sports that hurt them selves by playing. There are the people that push them selves by working a lot and worring about how things turn out and giveing them selves migranes or ulcers. There are the people that are heavy smokers or heavy drinkers that are slowly destroying there bodies. All these people really do these things for the same basic reasons. Because they are numb or because they need some way to off set their lives to make them know that they are there alive and kicking. 020912 ... ~gez~ i cut the inside of my wrist. i did not do it on purpose, i tripped and it got badly grazed. it is a wounder because when i play piano and i stretch for the 24va notes the scab cracks, splits and starts to bleed, all over my beautiful clavinova 020912 ... Lilac Im always tempted to do it again 030124 ... misstree everything is new, everything is romantic. i'll refrain from launching into an old foagie speech, and instead say that to many people who have cut themselves, it is not a way to be cool, or belong to a secret club, it is a way to get through just one more day, just one more moment, and it's better to bleed a little than to die. yes, it is a way of taking control over one's life, for some. for others, it's the intensity of experience they're after. for others, it serves a ritualistic purpose (much more severe than some, i may add). i don't judge others by how they cope with their pain--why is so much judgement leveled against those who use this method? "you shouldn't hurt yourself." i and most that i have known who have done this are careful not to do any lasting damage, beyond the scars--and the scars remind us that we have been through hell, and made it out the other side. "it makes me worry about you." well, you weren't damn well there when i was screaming at the walls, don't bother worrying now. "you're just doing that for attention." do i think this is cool? no. am i proud of it? no. but to me, it has been neccesary in the past, and while it may be again, i would be quite happy if it's not. judge not, lest we find your secret stash of power rangers videos and ho hos. 030124 ... misstree jiminy christmas. i meant to say ...(much less severe than some...) but somewhere along the way i forgot the secret art of re-reading my post before i hit the pretty button. sorry. 030124 ... grrr its not something you do to get attention, acceptance...or join to a secret club. Alot of "cutters" dont even know that there are other people out there who have done the same thing when they first start hurting themselves...they just find out one day that digging your fingernail into your skin, or scratching at it with a unbent paperclip until it bleeds makes them feel better somehow...The problem is, that it gets progressivly worse...you graduate from fingernails to scissors, xacto knives to and razorblades...i think it would be better if "cutting" was as well known as other disorders, so people could recognise their problem and get some help before they cant stop... 030124 ...