Lemon_Soda Nature. Being. Personna.

Its crazy, you know...

I grew naturally acting a certain way. I would give people the child they wanted to take care of and in return, well, they'd take care of me. I always told people what they needed or wanted to hear...
I did enough to pass when they didn't watch me, and when they did watch me I did a hundred and ten percent. A mutable appearance with nothing underneath. No decisions, no responsibilities, no knowledge...nothing.

It looked good...it all always 'looks' good. But "appear" and "are" are two different things. Thats a hard lesson. Its not even something you can suddenly realise and all of the sudden everything you do with substance, oh no...you gotta grind it into your head that the illusion isn't the same as the real thing. Its not good enough. Its wrong. When did I become a symbol of wrong? Why am I a demon, an immature child playing little games with the mind of my love? I don't even realise thats what I'm doing most of the time, but apparently it is...

How do i fix who I am? How do I become the lie-thing that I was taken for? When does myself become a real me?

Who am I?
Am I anyone?

I'm supposed to fix myself. I'm supposed to be independant, willful, witty, responsible, insightful, wise, successful...the list goes on. How do you download that into yourself? How to you reweave the very fabric of your being, the very fabric that has been created and reinforced my entire life? What happens when I'm forced to turn and face it, immediatly and fully with no quarter or warning?

I cried for so long that day. I ruined all the things that made me happy. I threw away my posters and stuffed animals...demolished my shrine...crumpled my crown like the cheap piece of tin it was...

I feel so...worthless, stupid, selfish...just...blasphemous to everything I supposedly "was"...

"I think you need help...like proffessional help...I wanted to talk you down to other people... I didn't want you near me...I didn't want you to touch me...I hate feeling this way about you...but your doing it on purpose...what am I supposed to do?"

How can I show confidence...BE confident?

Whats wrong with me? Why do I think the way I do? Why do I ACT the way I do? I can't seem to even choose the right motivation to get better.

Maybe I do need help.
kookaburra wow, that was powerful...
but professional help isn't all it's cracked up to be
Lemon_Soda I have ideas...thoughts, paterns even, that seem to hold a glimmer, a feint shard of the essence of this lesson that I'm learning...I'm trying I really am...but I can't just try...i have to DO...or it will be taken as "did not". Functional over asthetic. Intentions of a saint are easy, the actions a bit more difficult. The tiny steps I'm making seem finite in the wake of the shadow of what could..no...SHOULD be. But I can't jump straight there either, and thats driving me mad as well...

I blame myself, but a big part of me says "why blame yourself?". "Your acting the same way you always have. Someone just told you that the way you act, the way you think...the way you ARE is all wrong. Why is what they say more important than what you say? Why do you think they are right? Why do you listen to the calls of pain you inspire? It doesn't hurt you...it never did. What hurt you was what they said to you about you. Who knows you better than you? Who has the right to tell you YOUR wrong when your own opinion is the only thing you could trust from day one? its always worked before...your ways have always brought you a home, food, clothes, love, companionship...what is WRONG with YOU that you need to change for someone else?"

Do you see what I'm fighting? Do you understand how deep this shit GOES? My very nature flings shit in the face of my love and I"m still dealing with these petty little reggressive-god complexes, still questioning whether they are wrong... I know they are...but then I question "how can you KNOW anything?" and its back to square one...

I want to stop breaking my loves heart...I want to be the man she thought I was...and I still want to be me...

Dreamers and children cannot survive on their own in our world...there is no material reward without produce...the beauty of visions alone cannot save me...I can't dream anymore...I must wake...I cannot play and make believe anymore...i must grow up...

I have nothing to hold to save unquestionable love...but it does not comfort me when my thoughts of my love also bring forth the tumult of pain and anguish I've inspired with my desperate cling to faux-innocence...the price of my dreams a tithe of the soul of another...my cheribic intentions unmasked as devilish manipulation.

I don't know the best way to do everything. I don't have well informed opinions. I can't produce confidence from nothing. I cannot deny my needs as an inconvieniance. I can't flush my whole view of the world and my place in it at the drop of a hat, and I won't ignore how I feel.

So tell me, what the hell do I do now?
Death of a Rose Try to change in small ways. Baby steps and all that jazz. Don't ever try to reverse your personality and perceived faults all at once, the only outcome of that is failure and a failure that becomes self perpetuating.

If you notice something that you perceive as wrong about yourself, ask yourself is this a big something or a small something. ie; Do I lie without effort to everyone around me? (Big something) Or do I do the white lies to protect feelings of those around me? (small something). Tackle the small ones first. Think before you speak. Will this hurt someone? Is this the truth?

Anyways, I'm not the expert Lemon, as I've got my own demons to exorcise. But I do try to become a better person. I hold doors for ladies. Do small kindnesses for my neighbors (cut grass, shovel walkways, etc., etc.). And other little things. You get what you give is one of my new mottos.

Enough rambling from me.

Lemon_Soda My landlady, whom I share a living room, dining room, kitchen, and freindship with, tells me that compared to three months ago I've made significant progress towards...ambiguos state:designate "A". It feels good when she says this. She also says that, compared to who I was when she first met me, (couple years) I've traversed lightyears of maturity. This feels good to hear to.

And yet I have to wonder if her opinion is based on a true blue objective view, or if I've just presented myself lower than I am and thus fulfilled the criteria of advancement by being myself.

I have, over the course of many months, strived to do as many individual acts of sincerity as I could to impress on certain parties that I have indeed taken steps toward being "A". But...did I do them to please those parties, or myself?

Therein lies the current quandry: Must my motivation be self improvement over external negative image pasification?

Is my intent to assure someone else that something is true despite my insecurity on the issue? Or is my self analysis supposed to inspire an intense desire to reshape my essence in the mold of a more desirable being?

Is this for ME, like it "should" be? Or is it only an issue because I stand to lose so much? Do I only intend on deciding my course by anothers compass? Is my transformation the spawn of anothers vision? Do I seek to shape myself to fit into anothers world instead of my own?

Would I be wrong to do so?

Had noone ever said anything, I would have continued for the rest of my life, blissfully ignorant of my behavior. No action would have inspired guilt, no action would have been "wrong". I certainly would have been content to wallow in my ignorance.

But the moment it fell from my parents lips...the moment I saw it in the eyes of the clergy...the moment I was told I failed...the moment she wouldn't look at me...

I felt it. A tiny, bruised prick on my heart that with each passing day would grow. The hook that so gingerly pierced me would violently jerk, rending anguish into my soul. Deeper and harder and longer would it tare, every last indication of displeasure ripping and scarring me ever deeper.

Someone ELSES displeasure and disapointment did this to ME. And I let it...because part of me agreed, and another part hated to look at their face.

It gave seed to a thought that since then has been nourished by like opinion. The disapproving looks and words of my loved ones. My wasted potential. My lack of proper thought process. My acts against the only divinity I know. Each helped foster and raise my insecurity. Each fed the belief that I was flawed, imperfect,and wrong. It didn't help that I recieved compliments aplenty for half acts and implied actions.

I couldn't prove reliable...I couldn't act in that way. They fume and curse and postulate my intentions...and left without the answer, they accept the easiest one...he's flawed, imperfect, and wrong. His ways are intentional...he knows how we feel, what we expect. Why WOULDN'T he fall in line and perform? Why WOULDN'T he be the same as the rest of us...Why WON'T he act like the adult he appears to be? The answer is simple. He is playing with us, mocking us, and attempting to raise our ire. He is testing our patience, stretching our bonds, and asking us to except him despite his blasphemy. He is the sinner who revels in his defiance but expects forgiveness for his acts every sunday, kneeling to our God like an arrogant bastard. His tears have no salt, his frown a masked smile. No remorse dances in his eyes for his transgressions. Only a pitiful spark of regret at our reaction to him.

He is just a jerk.

Am I such a creature? I know that I do not think those things when i act. I act as I believe I should act. I don't like that those closest to me believe I strive to mock and infuriate them. No sane individual would encourage that. Even if I where so base as to only be concerned with the material, i surely wouldn't jeoperdize the benefits of our relationship to pacify a need to upset the very people who support me.

But what if I'm wrong? What if my view, my experience leads me falsely?

OOPS! You grew up wrong! You took everything the wrong way! You accidentally took your virtues for flaws and your flaws for virtues! You made your faults worse instead of improving on your talents! Your backward, sinking ever deeper instead of walking straight and climbing higher.

Your all wrong. Now fix it.

I am a pitiful thing...
Lemon_Soda Any particular reason for saying so?
Surely you have benevolent intentions behind such a blatantly rude suggestion. Come now, gift my ignorance with the details of your stunning opinion. Surely such a succinct and precisely chosen statement must hold vast and complicated implications on the state my person. Expand your insight for my lesser mind that I may glean wisdom from your august reflection, for I desire very much the state of non-sucking such ultimate ass.

"You put out or get out. When I want it, how I want it, and to hell with how you "feel". You know I could do better than you, so if you don't get over your attitude you can rejoin the long line of slobbering ignorants vieing for my attention. I don't care whats going on in your head, I tried to understand it, but I don't. I think your either crazy, stupid, lazy or any mixture of the three. All I want is to see you perform. I expect results, not excuses. Its your fault I can't rely on you, not mine. I'll just toss you into the trash can like the garbage your so obssessed about being and go get something I can digest without wanting to puke..."

They never said this...I don't believe they secretly think it, either...

So why does this scare me?
Lemon_Soda Maybe I think to much. Maybe this isn't about complicating...maybe its about simplifying. An inscrutable disguise would be much harder to create and maintain than to actually BE the person. Fake bullet wounds are alot harder to make than real ones. Wouldn't it be a relief to already know how to act instead of constantly revamping for those whom it may concern. All this guess work is tiring. All the time, all the time: am I standing right? What should I say? What do they mean? How do I react? Do I want to? Should I want to? What do they want to hear? What do they need to hear?

I'm so frustrated and deppressed.

What am I missing?
Lemon_Soda I am NOT missing ANYTHING.

I know BETTER.

Its so hard to be it. Not once or twice, but ALL THE TIME!

Take who I am and be the opposite all the time. Or pick somebody, anybody to be and stick with it instead of changing my mind every time I talk to someone different. Stop FORGETTING the person I want to be just because its easier.

If nothing else acknowledge my problems and deal with them on my own.
FACE! `_`
Lemon_Soda I'm a dumbass. 041115
Lemon_Soda I got up this morning and prayed.

On my knees with my head down and my arms crossed I prayed to myself, and I asked myself to remember who I am and that I don't hate who that is.

I took a shower and when I got out I spread moisturizing oil all over my body(just a few drops goes a long way). I washed my face with a special face cleanser. I put on deoderant. I dyed my hair "blue black" yesterday and took pleasure at as I brushed it. I anointed my brow, eyelids, and ears with sage oil(thought provoking). I brushed, flossed, and listerined my mouth.

I feel good. Optimistic.

I don't feel bad anymore about things I've done(or not done). I was being me. I did what I thought I should do, whether it was "correct" at the time or not. Sure, if I was the me of "now" then I might not have done alot of those things, or I might have taken oppurtunities I had let slip. Perhaps I would have done better with what I had, perhaps not.

But those things are the things of dreams. The "maybes", the "could'ves", and the "would'ves". I'm not looking at those anymore. I'm here, now. Thats where I'm going to be. Thats who I am.

In a discussion outside of class that I had with my logic teacher we concluded that "truth" was the lack of resistence. That anything is functionally "true" without any nay say. Near the end, though, I realised that believing that has been the core of my problems for awhile now(well, one of the cores....mmmmm....apples...) I need substance.

I took my land lady to work this morning and she told me after we talked for abit about some of my "problems" that I was to indecisive, to wishy washy,...to flaky. She said that though I hadn't thought of it this way, there are several really great decisions that I should be proud of: Telling my Uncle off(long story), removing myself from someones "free labor" list, and giving my love to someone very special. That made me feel happy to be me even more(my landlady always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them...chocolate, anyone?).

I don't feel guilty or worthless, anymore. I am me, and thats a great person to be.

I know my actions have hurt alot of people(including myself). Disappointed them. Even betreyal is in the mix. Unfortunantly, my mouth is the part of me thats gotten me into so much trouble, both inside and out. So I'm not going to apologize, try to explain away my sins(yes, sins) or raise false hopes. I will right my wrongs with my actions. And I don't want anybodys forgivness, either. I make mistakes and bad decisions. Everybody does.

I forgave myself and thats what counts the most to me right now.
marked . 041117
Lemon_Soda Heh...I was in math today and got one of my quizzes back. I got a 7 out of 10 and the girl next to me looks over and says "Man, you always get good grades..."

I said " No I don't. Just when your looking."

I just thought it was funny how in her world I'm an upbeat academic who takes to school like a duck to water, but in my world I'm still struggling to remember everything I've learned.
Lemon_Soda I'm still nervous when I talk to her, but not from guilt. Maybe its because I don't know where shes at with me right now. I don't really have this problem with anyone else, though. Not anymore, atleast.

I'll trust that she loves me and the moment I get nervous speaking to her again, I'll just think about that and what it means.
Lemon_Soda The thoughts don't swirl so much anymore. I've had plenty of fill on this new out look and I think its working really well. Sometimes I wonder that we worship our negative emotins so we have something to talk about, something to deal with. Now that I'm dealing with all of this other stuff, i just don't seem to have the time to feel shitty and useless. Optimism can be a soothing balm when judiciously applied. I won't lie and say i don't have my doubts, that fears and shadows with scrapy claws and hopes that only frighten because they'll likely never happen, inch their way into my mind(mostly when I'm not doing anything) and I fret and get stressed. I wont take it out on anyone though. I refuse. I like smiling, and laughing and "enjoying" myself, because I've found that fake happiness is way more useful that true sorrow. People need someone to bring them up sometime. I think i do that for alot of people. I know that getting out of the rut has done wonders in my life. I now have a career, a daughter, amenities, loving dogs, the type of freinds a friend would like to have, excellent prospects for whats coming, and a warm, accomodating home waiting for me each night. It strikes me that there is alot in the world that should be worrying me, but I just can't seem to convince myself the the worry is worth it. I know where my life is, my world, and if I'm going to change it for the better, I have to do it here. I've made plans to support some local groups that i think will help with the parts of my life that have proven less than fortunate and Its a good thing that I'm not ignoring them. One step at a time, ofcourse. I gotta say I agree with miss. Frank even though she had incredible reason not to, to believe that people are basically good and deserve that much when I think of them. There are no monsters, after all. Just people with different opinions. Smiles are infectious, like yawns. I suggest you try it. What I love about smiles is it generally indicates that that person has something worth smiling about. if thats the case then it means things to smile about are out there and maybe, just maybe, I'll get one too. I happen to have things to smile about already, but to smile over a smile seems like such a good idea because it solves our energy problem by generating more than you started with. This is getting kinda sappy, and I'm sure a few of you have already started holding back the gag reflex, but I just felt the insicent need to express where I'm at and share a some hope with those of you who need it. The next great thing is just around the corner, so keep going!

A few questions I've asked myself that have led me here:

Why is the choice between happiness and sadness such a difficult one to make?

How can i find happiness if it means letting go of my attachment to suffering and misery?
unhinged greed
what's it to you?
who go