tell_me_a_joke DannyH I could really do with cheering up. 010722 ... baby satan guy walks into a bar. his dick falls off. some other guy picks it up and eats it. his dick falls off. the two discover that they have both lost their dicks, fall in love, and are unable to reproduce. they die. hahahahaha! hahahahaha! jesus fucking christ! hahahahaha! 010722 ... baby satan wanna hear another? i got lost more where that came from. 010722 ... baby satan i got lost! hahahahaha! 010722 ... DannyH Thanks bs, I hadn't heard that one before and I kind of hope I never hear it again. 010722 ... DannyH You got more? Bring em on you freudian slipping infant beelzebub. 010722 ... baby satan parrot says to a wooden peg: "sharf snaggle amorafus! shrafnel!" the wooden peg comes to life and stomps on the parrot until he is dead. once upon a time, the end. hahahahaha! hahahahaha! you see, sometimes these jokes don't seem too funny until you understand and apply vanderfookin's work. he opened up the portals of mental waste, allowing one to sidestep one's own raddled psyche and remove anything sensible from the wicker basket. 010722 ... kx21 Chichen & Famous Folks Answer The Question, Q_As ... Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A from kx21: She wanted to find the number of holes in the road...with her wisdom about hole(s):- 1000 holes = 1000 suspects 1000 Suspects = 100 Prospects 100 Prospects = 10 Listings 10 Listings = 1 Worm... Other References:- Searched the web for Why did the chicken cross the road?. Results 1 - 10 of about 102,000. 010722 ... kx21 Just to say Hi... The final answer to Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? The Chicken, with her wisdom or ignorance, smelled that there are more virgins of holes in the opposite side of the Road... And some unbelievable strings... http://www.driving.co.uk/chicken.htm 010722 ... dB Q: Why did Dafremen cross the road? A: To go to silentbob's house and beat him up for turning into a soppy pile of lovesick crap. Now that's comedy! But seriously, has anyone else noticed that about 'bob lately? 010722 ... kx21 Have a wonderful day or fun by digging deeper and deeper into or wondering around this hole... Copyright 2001. kx21.com 010722 ... secretive llama whats the best thing about fucking a four year old? hearing her pelvis crack 010722 ... baby satan ::: melts into a puddle of disgusted goo on the floor ::: what the fuck?! that's just wrong! i mean...yuck!!! ::: washes his brain out with soap and a toilet brush in an attempt to wipe away the memory ::: 010722 ... the llama again hahahahahahahhahaha... hah 010723 ... Gollum that is just horrible, yes my precious, very horrible 010723 ... baby satan i'm still trying to scrub it away. 010723 ... adolph hitler even i'm offended 010723 ... kx21 Is there a Final Fantasy? Tell me what are the ways can this hole gros and how wide and deep can this hole be... And I will tell you how wonder you are... 010723 ... kx21 grow instead of gros.. 010723 ... black-dyed gel product here's an oldy but a goody: A cowboy walks into a saloon. He walks up to the bar with a big grin on his face. He tells the bartender that he just made $500 on a big bet. After a few drinks, he starts bragging to the bartender about how he never loses a bet. So the bartender say to him, "If you never lose a bet, I got one for ya: I'll give ya 1000 bucks if you eat 10 pounds of horseshit in under three minutes." The cowboy takes the bet, and the bartender takes out a big pile of shit on a plate from under the bar. "Eat up!" says the bartender mockingly. So the man whips out a spoon and starts shoveling the shit down his throat. Slightly queasy, he finishes eating in 2 minutes. He demands the money from the bartender, but the bartender won't fork it over. He keeps telling the man that he didn't win. Seriously pissed off about being ripped off after eating horseshit, the cowboy takes out his pistol and holds the bartender at gunpoint. "I ate the horseshit. Pay up, motherfucker!" barks the cowboy. "You lost, friend. I bet you that you couldn't eat 10 pounds of horseshit in under 3 minutes. You just ate 13 pounds of horseshit and my sister's aborted fetus!" 010723 ... silentbob three tomatos are walking down the treet. papa tomato, mama tomato and a baby tomato. the baby tomato starts lagging behind, and the papa tomato gets real angry and squishes him says: "Catch up." 010724 ... The Truth Ok.... This man walks upto the bar, sits down, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you I can bite my right eye!" The bartender chuckles, "ok, heh, how 'bout 10 dollas?" They shake. The man pulls out his glass eye and proceeds to bite down. The bartender pays $10 to the man, who buys a drink or two, and the man says, "I'll bet you...FIFTY dollars I can bite my LEFT eye!" The bartender, pauses, then accepts the bet. The man pulls out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. Later, after the man has had several more drinks, he says to the bartender, sluringly, "I'll bet you $500 that I can stand up on the bar, and if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I will fill it with my piss, and not get a SINGLE DROP on the bar!" "Five hundred dollars?" Says the bartender, "Show me." The man opens his wallet and sure enough, he has 500 dollars, which he takes out and puts on the bar. "Not ONE SINGLE DROP on the bar?" asked the bartender, making sure the terms of the contract were secure. "Not a dr-drop, missssster" slurred the drunken man. After much deliberation, the bartender said, "Ok buddy, you got yo'self a deal" The man climbs up onto the bar, whips out mr. happy, the bartender slides the shot glass down the bar. The drunken man starts pissing... He pissed all over the bar, the mirror, the stools, himself, even the bartender. But the bartender didn't care. "HA HA HA! YES! You, my friend owe me $500!" laughed the bartender. Just then, in a dark corner of the bar, a larger biker dude stands up and groans loudly, and flips his table over, causing quite a disturbance, (even more so than a man pissing all over the place). "Hey what's your problem, man?" demanded the bartender. The biker said. "This drunken idiot just bet me $1000 dollars that he could piss all over you and your bar, and you'd be HAPPY about it!" 010724 ... secretive llama thats cuuuute... 010724 ... TalviFatin *just laughs* 010724 ... kx21 *** Breaking news*** the_string_between_man_and_chicken from kx21. 010724 ... Dafremen B.S. Good stuff...keep it up I laughed my ass off. A guy walks into a whorehouse looking for something kinky. Once in the front door, the madam asks him what his pleasure is. The guy explains that as a sailor he's been all over the world and made all kinds of love but that what he wanted was something completely unexpected and different. Something he's never heard of people doing let alone done before. The madam taps lightly at her brow with a long painted finger nail. "I'll tell you what I got. You give me $30 and I give you the key to room 203 where you'll find what you're looking for." The man reaches for the money with out hesitation and with key in hand, climbs the stairs to the second floor. When he gets to the room and opens the door he finds an empty room with a chair, a chicken and a mirror...that's it. Around the chicken's neck is a sign that sez "Do me." The guy looks around, checks the lock and finally decides "Hey what the hell I spent the cash, I'll take the ass." so he does. He tipped the madam $10 on his way out the door saying, "I'll be back next week." A week went by and all the man could think about was the whorehouse and the next suprise that the madam would cook up for him. When he arrived at the brothel, the madam was all ready for him. "It's only $20 this time sugar", she said, "and go on up to room 205." He forked over the dough without thought, without blinking, eager to get his hands on that key...to room 205..to RELEASE. Opening the door you can imagine his suprise when he sees this guy sitting on one of four office chairs watching what appears to be a porno movie involving a monkey of some sort. "Come on in and close the door, they're just starting." the strange masturbating chair man whispered. Sitting as far as possible from the stranger, the sailor notices for the first time that this isn't a movie but a live orgy going on in the next room. "Wow, this is great" , he says, casually pulling his tallywhacker out and starting to play with it, "do they do this all the time?" "No, not always.", came the reply, "take last week for instance, there was some guy screwing a chicken!" 010724 ... kingsuperspecial so this woman gets on the train, and she's got her baby with her. now, the baby is pretty ugly. She sits facing man reading the paper, but after a minute he looks up, because he can't help notice the baby. It's the ugliest baby he's ever seen. The woman notices the man looking at the child, and finally they make eye contact. the man just can't resist, he's so intrigued by how ugly the baby is. "Is that your baby?" the man asks? The woman replied "yes, it is" and the man comments " that's a surprise, because that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen". The woman stands up in an outrange, nearly assaulting the man. “I cannot believe you would insult me so!” she screamed. “You beast! Get the conductor, I want my seat changed!” Well, the woman carried on until the conductor showed up, to see what was happening. “This man insulted me. He is a vile, rude heathen I and demand my seat be changed.” By now the woman was quite hysterical, and the ugly baby was crying. “Look M’am, I’m real sorry you aren’t pleased, and I think I can make it better. I’ll find you a seat elsewhere, right away. To help make it up to you, why don’t you have a complimentary dinner in the dining car while I get a seat picked out for you?” The conductor watches as the woman picks up the baby picks up the baby and gets ready, and then says “I’m sure you will be happy with dining car. They have a lot of great food, and they might even have a banana for your monkey” 010724 ... Dafremen A group of engineers and a group of mathematicians are taking the train to a convention. As they're buying their tickets, the mathematicians are boasting that they saved GOBS of money on each ticket because they ordered them well in advance. Meanwhile they were also ribbing the engineers because they hadn't bought any tickets. When they got to the front of the line, the engineers bought only one ticket between them sending waves of titters running through the math-folx. On the train the ribbing continued until the engineers' lookout spotted the conductor coming to collect tickets. "Conductor!" He hissed, and all of the negineerin piled into the bathroom and locked the door. When the conductor came by he knocked on the bathroom door. "Ticket please", he said loudly. A single ticket slid out from under the door and the conductor went on his way. Needless to say, it was the ENGINEERS who tittered all of the way to the convention. The mathematicians, being incredibly thrifty, decided to refund all of their tickets except one. They were going to use the engineers' trick themselves. Then one of them noticed that the engineers hadn't stopped at the ticket office. "Heheh one ticket you got away with, but NO ticket?! Heheh let's see you Houdinis get out of this one!" All of the mathematicians guffawed in unison at the thought of the engineers being kicked off of the train when the conductor found that they had no ticket. Soon enough, the engineers' lookout spot the conductor coming. "Conductor!", he warned, and all of the mathematicians piled into the bathroom on the right...all of the engineers into the bathroom on the left. Just before the Conductor enters the car, one engineer comes out of the bathroom and knocks on the mathematicians' bathroom door. "Ticket please." 010725 ... The Truth Well, there's 30 seconds I'll never get back! 010725 ... kingsuperspecial I love you, Dafremen 010725 ... The Truth Ok, one more. There was this man, a Christian, who was sitting home one day, when all of the sudden a flash flood filled his yard and street with raging water. He prayed, "God, please help me!" A few moments later, a man floated my on two inner tubes, he shouted, "Hey! I've got an extra inner tube here, come on!" He was a man of much faith. The man replied, "No thanks, I am waiting for God to save me." The guy in the inner tube shrugged and floated away. Later the water level had risen, and the man went upstairs and was hanging out his window. "(Dear God, please help me!)" prayed the man again. And, a few minutes later, his friend Tom rowed by in a row boat. "Get in!" yelled Tom. "That's ok! God's going to save me!" said the man, and he waved goodbye to Tom. The flood waters raised even higher, so the man had to retreat up to his roof. Again, he prayed, "God, please help me!". Then he looked up, and in the sky, was a bright light, and a rope ladder decended and fell right at his feet. It was the coast guard, in a helicopter. "Climb up the ladder, sir, we will save you!" Said the helicopter pilot through a loudspeaker. "NO THANKS! GOD IS GONNA SAVE ME!" yelled the man. The helicopter tried several more times before giving up. The water level rose further, and the man drowned to death. He got up to heaven (pissed off) and said, "God, I had faith that you were going to save me, why did you not do what I prayed for!" and God said, "I sent you an innertube, a row boat and a helicopter, what else did you WANT!" 010726 ... Dafremen I hope this fixes the blather. By the way, um... take two large steps back for me if you will, bruthah Superspecial. Maintain that personal space...yea thanks.. 010726 ... Dafremen Ok so I had this really cool job with some really cool people. (And I still maintain that despite the story I am about to relate, this PARTICULAR person was one of the coolest human beings I have ever met. He was a Cancer you'll be happy to hear Truth.) Well anyhow this guy had known me for what must've been 2 years on the job and he just casually comes up to me and starts to tell me this joke: "There was this apartment complex and the white folx lived on the top floor, the Hispanics lived on the second floor and the black folx lived on the first floor. One day the apartment building caught on fire and burned to the ground." At this point I stopped him: "Mind if I finish the joke for you man? Lemme guess next you're going to say the blacks all died because they were busy looting, the Mexicans all died because they were too lazy to leave the house And I suppose the white folx lived." (At this point he thinks I've just heard his joke before... NOT that I'm offended.: ) ) "Yea...they were out because they had jobs." "OH? I thought it was cuz they climbed to safety on the backs of the minorities like they've been doing for 400 years pinche gabacho racista pendejo!!" The guy went completely white(r than usual). (Remember though, this guy's my friend...he's good people. Just old, midwestern and stuck in his ways that's all.) "I..I..I...I..d-d-dii...", he stammers. "Heheh GOTCHA!", I say..letting him off the hook, "Now we're even. You probably didn't know this but my wife's a Latina, so I don't usually enjoy those jokes much. Hey, but don't worry...we still co0l man. Now ya know." He looked so relieved after I told him that heheh. (Frankly I was relieved after HE was relieved. The guy was 62 years old after all. Din't want him keelin' over on me.) 010726 ... kx21 the_blind_men_and_the_elephant... 010727 ... Persona A captain and his men were sailing the calm seas when, one morning, the lookout high above in the crow's nest calls down the warning of a pirate ship approaching. The captain fixed his men with a steely gaze and demanded, "Bring me my red shirt!" A long and fierce battle ensued, and eventually the captain and his men were victorious. The following afternoon, once again, the lookout called down a warning of three pirate ships fast approaching, and once again, never flinching, the captain orders, "Bring me my red shirt!" After the battle had ended, and as the sun was setting, the victorious captain and his crew were celebrating over a feast. An ensign gathered the courage to ask the question many were curious about. "Why do you call for your red shirt before we enter into battle?" "That's simple," the captain replied, "If I was to become injured in battle, my red shirt would mask the blood so my men would not lose confidence in their captain and victory." The crewmen thought even higher of their captain and his admirable intentions. Two days later, a shaky voice called down from the crow's nest, reporting the approach of ten pirate ships. The men looked to their captain for his usual request The captain, with a mighty vioce called out, "Bring me my brown pants!" 010727 ... tonya other_jokes 010727 ... kx21 An amazing spark of light appeared in Blather's black_holes for the sake of its blatherers!!! Please keep it up... 010804 ... Sundari Raine This one's lame and everyone's probably heard it, but I feel like participating... By the way, it's not meant to insult Chinese people- it could be substituted for anyone foreign. OK. There were three brothers from China who recently arrived in New York City, not speaking a word of English. They decided to spend a day on the town trying to pick up a little of the language. The first brother goes into an opera house, where he hears a singer bellowing "MEE MEE MEEEEE!" The man thinks to himself, "I must remember to use this phrase later, to show my brothers that I have learned something." ... Meanwhile, the second brother goes to a restaurant, and hears a waiter calling "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" The brother reminds himself that he must remember this phrase so he can share it with his brothers. ... Meanwhile, the third brother goes into a sports bar. Since it's still morning, the bar is practically empty. In fact, only one man is seated at the counter, watching football. The Chinese man is about to leave the bar and look for somewhere busier when the football fan's team scores a touchdown, and the fan jumps up, knocks over his stool, throws his arms over his head, yelling "Woohoo!!" Then he jumps around in celebration. The Chinese brother is slightly confused, but files the sports fan's performance away in his memory. The three brothers meet one another a while later outside of a cafe. But before they can share their new knowledge with one another, a policeman runs up, out of breath. He shouts to the people in the cafe, "We are chasing a fugitive wanted for murder, and we believe he may have passed through here a short while ago! Did anyone see him?" The first Chinese brother, eager to practice his newly-acquired English, imitates the singer he heard and bellows "MEE MEE MEEE!" The police man, startled, demands, "You saw him? Who was he?!" The first brother, glad that the policeman seems interested, repeats, "MEE MEE MEEEE!" The police man seems shocked. "You?! You killed that man? I should have known! What was the murder weapon?" He starts to handcuff the first Chinese man, and the second brother, getting worried, responds for him: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" "Forks and knives!" the policeman exclaims, "That explains the messy slash marks! So, you helped too?" He begins to handcuff the second brother as well. He declares to both of them, "You're going to jail!" Alarmed, the third brother responds by leaping from his chair, throwing his arms over his head, and screaming, "Woohoo!!" 040729 ... estarocks this_blathe_is_not_even_funny 040730 ... mikejohnson A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel down his pants. He asks the barkeep for some rum and when he hands it to the pirate, the bartender stumbles and says "cap'n, you seem to er have an um... steering wheel in ur pants." the pirate replies "AR! It's drivin' me nuts!" can be a pirate at times. 050225 ... mikejohnson Jesus is hanging around on the cross and calls out to Peter. Peter, he cries, come close, come close. As Peter approaches, the Romans mistake his desperate attempt to speak to Jesus one last time for a rebel attempt to free him and they chop off his legs. Jesus continues to call out to Peter: "Come Peter, the pain will be released" and as Peter comes nearer, dragging himself by the arms, the Romans amputate him of those as well. Finally Peter, pulling himself inches at a time by his lips reaches a point where he can clearly make out the words of Jesus who exclaims: "COOL! I can see your house from here!" hopes you haven't heard that before. 050225 ... stork daddy knock knock who's there? my life. 050225 ... B.Liar what's_next? 050225 ... ... why_are_democrats_so_stupid... 050225 ... MJquotes "Woman go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body, men just want the body." - Jerry Seinfeld 050414 ... falling_alone a_frayed_knot 050415 ... milo dad vampire and little son vampire are standing on a dark city corner in the middle of the night. dad vampire: son it is time you go hunting for blood by yourself - go and find the best you can – I will do the same. little son vampire: ok daddy. dad vampire: we’ll meet at this exact same spot in once we’re done feeding, go now boy!. 3hrs. later… little son vampire has been waiting for his dad for some time now – he was unsuccessful in tonight’s blood quest but managed to steal an ipod from a drunken hipster. suddenly… dad vampire approaches him, fresh blood dripping from his mouth, in fact his whole face seems to be covered with the unsuspected victim’s precious – little son vampire: daddy! you scored some blood!! hooray for daddy!!! dad vampire seems to be inebriated by the excess of the lustful liquid… dad vampire: yeah, well did you see that street light over there? little son vampire: yeah… dad vampire: I didn’t. = ( 050415 ... hey-O what_the_fuck. 080327 ... z descartes was on an airplane. the flight attendant came up the aisle and asked if he would like a drink, to which he replied, "i think not", and promptly disappeared. 080327 what's it to you? who go blather from