to_boy_do_reply endless desire don't go. what's going? i woke sunday morning and for the first time the rest of my life wasn't planned out. you can't go yet. 030922 ... me and then i swear you fell 030922 ... impersonating your boy is that good or bad? i dont want to go i dont know what to do i dont know if i have any other choice i miss you, and i love you what do you want??? 030922 ... endless desire im trapped and i dont know where to find you. 030923 ... impersonating your boy find me in your heart and then i will come to you time speak with the girl tonight i am here. but look first 030923 ... impersonating your boy look and decide what it is you_want 030923 ... endless desire but, see, you're not here and they are watching my every move while they are a way. everything is a risk. just find a way to say hello. a word makes all the difference, i suppose. but you're not here. you never are. 030923 ... impersonating your boy i am here dont you hear me singing? i need to know if you still want me here what do you want? eat your orange 030923 ... endless desire no. you decide what i was going to do. you decide who i was going to be. you told him i would disobey. stubborness alone will keep me from running back you. i refuse to break their rules. but i hate this. they say such horrible things. and they keep me here. and i hear such terrible things about how you are doing and i just want to know you are all right. but i can't see you. because who knows who will see. that's how this whole thing started. . .someone saw. i just want to know you are ok. why did you leave blather? why do you seem so unhappy? 030924 ... impersonating your boy i never told him you would disobey no no no you dont know what happened that night that night was the worst night you dont know what happened here you dont know what happened that night that the_sky_fell i never decide anything for you never even wanted to all i want is you to be you what i dont know is what you want if you wont break their rules and if all it is keeping you from me is your stubborness then dont talk to me and dont ask how i am doing or why i am sad because if you dont know then it doesnt matter what matters is what you want and need if you still want me in your life tell me otherwise, goodbye eat your orange 030924 ... endless desire i ate my orange. thank you. now stop acting so victimized. i dont know what happened that night. you could always tell me(?) i only heard one side of the story. and i'd make an effort to go against them... maybe. but how could i? i like talking to you. i miss talking to you. but if you don't want me to ask you how you are doing and if you are just going to sit around feel sorry for yourself, then i don't know what to tell you. 030924 ... impersonating your boy what_happened you leave no hug goodbye and im scared terrified why why why this night of all nights? why now? why? i sneak out one of the back doors of the theatre and i see you sitting on the rail from afar i hide and eventually pay some asian guy a dollar to go see if youre still there nice guy, he went and looked and didnt take my money its finally safe to leave i run to erins she is mad and tells me “what did you expect would happen?” and “think about her in all this” and i feel worse because i know that this is going to ruin your life more i go home message from your nino on my machine saying to call him i do hes not there and i leave a message with annie i call back later your mom (and i think you) pick up and she says hes on his way over “thank you very much” i say “no problem” your mum says in a cheerful voice its then i remember that i actually do kind of like her i go and tell my grandma that he is on his way over she was already in bed and gets up to get dressed hes here o shit o shit o shit i tell erin online i lead him into my room and offer him a seat “no thanks” he proceeds to tell me i am not to have any contact with you no emails phone calls instant messages no seeing you at all i am not to sit by you at church and he will contact the pastoral staff and that if i persist he will seek a restraining order against me a restraining order. o god no, please this cant be happening the sky is falling i say, “can i ask why?” i am holding my ground this time i am not going to buckle this time we are standing face to face, eye to eye in my room he pauses for a long moment, his lip is quivering with what i think is rage i am actually quite afraid that he will hit me it is a very real fear and i say its only fair and he says fair? (this is when i fear hes going to hit me) and goes on about our ‘deal’ that we had and i told him i upheld it as long as he upheld his and that he offered to let me back into your family and that didn’t happen and he just says, “well, offer rescinded” and then he says why these ultimatums: because you incite her to lie rebel and be defiant and you tear her away from the good things in her life but mostly you make her lie i am the instigator the virus and so he says he piece but i hold my ground and i tell him calmly (o so calm you don’t understand the amount of slow-motion calm and total control this all was while feeling so helpless) that this control this ongoing effort to run every aspect of your life is what makes her do this and that the harder they clamp down the more you will want out i am not trying to speak for you i am just going off of everything i know of you please don’t think i was telling them what you were going to do i was just telling him that i am not what makes you lie i am not what ‘instigates’ and ‘incites’ this rebellion but rather their clamping down and controlling your life does my grandma, dressed, is standing in my doorway now behind your nino watching all this jim is just down the hall listening and he looks at me point blank in the eyes and says “two things: one, i really don’t care what you think and two: you are not to have anything to do with ellyn. is that understood?” i tell him that it doesn’t look like i have a choice so we are done and he leaves and as he turns around he brushes past my grandmother leaning in the doorway just turns and brushes past her walking quickly down the hall and as he walks away my grandmother just looks up and says in such a quiet, sad voice “it was nice meeting you” your nino stopped in his tracks it really made quite a thud, he had a lot of momentum going intent to get out i guess. he stopped and turned (i could no longer see him now) and said to her in a very curt manner “ah hello im Raul (accenting the –ool) Alvarez-Gray” and my grandmother bless her soul so small and your nino so big just stood there stood straight up looked at him and said in such a quiet, level voice slow and measured with pauses for what looked like almost-tears “he really is a good boy. he’s the best boy ive ever had, and im so proud of him. but he really is a good boy” and your nino just turned around and walked out of my house without saying a word i do believe that i have never ever loved another human being ever so much as that moment when my grandmother stood her ground and stood up for me i cried and every time i think about it i cry again so much love i have never loved her more than that moment when she stood her ground and stood up for me afterwards, well, what? i didn’t feel sad i was angry, but just at your nino for the audacity he had to come here and do this and jim and my grandpa especially my grandpa were very mad too and so was my grandmother but i just felt. . .dead inside suddenly i knew what you meant when you said you couldnt feel because i couldnt i just felt empty and dead nothing . . . not this dead feeling inside anything but this i called bethany my only savior in this and we talked and she started to cry and so i went over to her house and we sat on her doorstep and she cried and i held her and she held me back i couldnt cry though i had no tears left i didnt even cry when he left so dead inside i only cried when i thought about my grandma bless her but it felt so good to hold and to be held and she rubbed my hand and played with my bracelet and it felt so good to be touched and i just wanted it to be you doing that not her almost holding my hand and touching me and i couldn’t stop thinking of all that was happening to you that night and what you must be going through and i felt like red from shawshank that night andy escapes and he toys with the rope contemplating escape or suicide and how red says “that night was the longest night of my life” and it was. later on i would feel like andy that was the night vancouver caught fire and the_sky_fell so that is what happened. i didn’t tell him you would disobey and see me, just that their clamping down and controlling you further would only make you want out more. but, he doesn’t care what i think. i left blather that night because i had to, it was just too painful. and i don’t know what to do – he threatened me with a restraining order – and that made me just feel like some lowlife creep. and then the next day when i ran into you at carls – i came there with the express intent of getting to church early and NOT seeing you. and then during the sermon, when he was talking about “pursuing dating the wrong people, marrying the wrong people” and i looked over and you were looking right at me – that killed me inside. and you just looked so happy. i didnt know what to think – if you agreed with them or anything, if you were hurting, if you even wanted me in your life. and you keep talking about me controlling you and planning out your life and i have no idea what you are talking about, and the idea that that may be what you think of our relationship just rips me apart. and i am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself and please don’t take this for a panicked rant. far from – im just not feeling, and i am measuring everything i say in a very, surprisingly calm manner. because I just don’t feel inside anymore. i was angry monday morning all day at work because i couldn’t get the image of you cuddled with bridge out of my head, and him rubbing you and you planning it and liking it and it just hurt so bad and i just asked myself why did she tell me that? but im not feeling sorry for myself. i am willing to try to continue to see you, to talk to you, to make this work or whatever – you know me, theres always a way – with a little bit of luck and a lot of charm, or was it the other way around? i can never remember. but not if you don’t want me in your life and aren’t willing. i am tired of not knowing, tired of indifference. you are worth it to me, but not if you don’t want – or don’t know if you want – me in your life. its that simple, im sorry. if you want me in your life, then just plain tell me without dancing around it. otherwise, this is not worth it and its a waste of our time and goodbye basically you either want me in your life, or not. tell me and we will work together from there but do not get the idea am feeling sorry for myself. i am just tired of ruining your life. the question you have to ask is am i worth it either goodbye, because i am done with this or pleased to meet you, because we are both willing im glad you liked orange, love. one of many old tricks i still have up my sleeve. 030924 ... impersonating your boy oh, sorry -- and im doing fine. very sad because i dont know what to make of all this and you, but im alright. empty and missing you and worried about/for you, but surviving and having fun actually. i have an ellyn-shaped hole i need filled, : ) 030924 ... endless desire what happened that night. . .from my end of the world: i stood outside waiting and waiting and they finally came. i was going to just tell them what went down. just tell them i deserved whatever punishments i get and not get upset. . .bc i did disobey them and i ruined their trust--yet again. and when i was finally done they started giving me answers. they said someone saw us walking and called them and told them. didn't even talk to me or confront me about it at all. they were hardly mad at me. . .but livid with you. more mad then i had ever seen them. convinced that you had manipulated me and pressured me and obsessed and things. and they just kept saying. you don't even understand how much. and the stubborn me who said she wasn't going to cry gave in. because i couldn't understand how they were saying such terrible things about you. . . and because i couldn't understand how i was beginning to believe them. . . and because i didn't know what i felt so scared all of the sudden. . .scared of the one person i never had to be scared of. . .ever. and then upset that i'd believe them. i felt brainwashed. over and over and over again. and still i don't know what's true. but i know you are not "dangerous" to me. how could you be? we went home. they were hardly mad. my punishments were so small and didn't come until days after. everything happened so fast though and i kept hearing the same things. they made you out to be terrible. just a horrible person. i lost their trust. i really valued that. i told you it wasn't right, didn't i? i told you i could feel it. i told you i could feel we were going to get caught. everyone seemed so angry and indifferent. now i can't go online. . .but well obviously, yeah. and i'm grounded for a while and obviously i can't see you. i didn't see you at church. i don't know what look you are talking about but i didn't even know if you were there or not. i figured if you were there, you sat on the other side of the room. i want my best friend back. i miss your company and your smile and your optimistic outlook. i miss something so comfortable. but i don't want anything more than that. . .right now. or for a long time. and i don't need you to be so sure of what will happen in the future. but if you think i am saying goodbye, then too bad. and if you are only going to make an effort if i am looking for THAT kind of relationship, then i don't know what to tell you. i don't know what to say now. i'm not even sure what you want to hear or what i want to tell you. . .besides that i need you. i want to hear about your day and i want you to tell you about mine. i want to laugh at countless memories and jokes. . .and just be two people who know each other so very well. well, i should go. i've taken enough blue space already. oh. and why was bethany crying? poor dear. she's wonderful. she asked me on monday how i was holding up. . . i was so scared that you thought all of this happened because of me when i had nothing to do with it. i promise i didn't. i swear. but she said you knew. she said you understood. that you were doing ok. that's it i guess. you are never online anymore. you never blather. it's like you fell off the planet. 030924 ... impersonating your boy haha i havent fallen off the planet dear i simply blocked you online loser me is still online just as much as ever, you just cant see me and i dont like blather anymore because it is a connection to you that causes me pain. it is hard for me to continually stumble across reminders of how much you used to love me i am doing fine as for what you said well please dont believe those things they say about me. please dont. i dont know what else to tell you except to look into your heart and find me there. because you know i would never do that to you. how could i do that to someone i love? i just beg -- yes beg -- please dont believe them something you said a long time ago strikes me as poignant: "please dont let them take me away" i dont know what to do now. i dont know what the next step is. all i know is i need you too, and not having you with me just kills. and i feel so dead inside, and you give me so much life. i miss that, too i do know that i cant take hearing about you and bridge cuddling, or you wanting to kiss him (just because you miss kissing) but not wanting to because you dont want to lead him on. im sorry, but that is not fair and that is bs and mean to tell me. if you want to cuddle with someone, if you want to kiss somebody, then kiss me. if you dont want to do that, then please dont torture me by happily smiling and skipping as you tell me how youve got him wrapped around your finger. haha i know you can do that, you dont have to prove to me you can get other guys -- ive always known that! you are beautiful and fun and SO sexy to no end, and i trained you well, my little man-eater. but please, if you want to just cuddle with me, then just cuddle with me and please dont let yourself be stubborn about thinking youre coming back to me or cant get other guys or something because i KNOW youre not and i KNOW you can and thats just silly. but if you truly have no desire to, then tell me you truly have no desire and dont torture me with your escapades. every time i am with a girl and she touches me it feels so wonderful and i just wish that it could be you, not some poor substitute that i only go to because i need to cuddle. you said you dont know what i want to hear: it doesnt matter. "i need you" and "im willing to fight for this" is enough. i just need to know that you at least still feel that in all this and your confusion or whatever. there are just some things like that i need to know. i need to know you want me in your life, everything else we can work from there as for what you want to tell me? um. . . i would hope it would be everything, but maybe thats just me being naive as for having the future planned? HA! i know nothing! sheesh, how could you ever think i had the future planned? hahaha my only "plan" ever has been that i love you. sheesh. not exactly what youd call an elaborate plan i am sure of nothing but these things: god my love for you and my family my truest friends the unconditional love of my cat and the undying perfection of having a baby fall asleep in my arms wow i just said sheesh twice. now three times! it is officially the word of the night. go sheesh i want all those things you said back too. as for my optimism? you obviously havent been paying much attntion then, have you? just look at and_the_last if you want a (small) example oh and bethany was crying over patrick. thats why shes been so helpful, were on the same page (scaaaaary similarities between us and them) -- oh but wait! they are happily back together. bethany is still my truest friend in all this, though i am glad you are not saying goodbye what tj said when he proposed to sharon strikes me as appropriate (dont worry, im not proposing or anything, just what he said fits): "youre the only one i want to laugh with, the only one i will cry with, and the only one id fight for" (i took off the will-you-marry-me part after that, in good taste) i am still vancouver bound i would like to take you out of that yellow house with me it can be rebuilt i hear they have fabulous reconstruction plans in semi-socialist canada what is the next step? i dont know. i have no plan and i dont know what the future holds and i never have. i have no plans for this or us. i can only -- as ever -- be sure of myself and my feelings -- feelings for you. i would like to be sure of yours too, but that is a luxury i cant seem to afford at present and i have work tomorrow, it is late, i am tired, and i am giving you far, far too much to read and you probably want to smack me over the head with your (well-organized) notebook. so i close i have no plan i miss you. and i dont really care if you dont want to hear it, but i love you, too sweet dreams. and i am still singing to you in your sleep -- the question, as in the song, is: can you hear me? 030925 ... endless desire i dont know where to go next... yes i want to make the effort but no i don't want to date you right now. i want to make the effort to maintain a relationship. but now i don't know how. i can create a new email address so i can talk to you. . . but when can i ever see you? i want to see you. . .and talk about this all. im so sick of the internet. but i'm all out of ideason how to ever see you. i can't meet you anywhere. . .because who knows who'll see us this time. and i can't go to your house because the camps are on alert, im sure. i can't see you at church or at school. or anyother time. but i want to. i . . .need to. oh and i knew you where blocking me. i checked to see if you were there on another sn. . . .you could always not do that. yeah. 030925 ... impersonating your boy there are ways of seeing me haha there is always a way i have ideas i know some safe places where my friends and allies will still defend me such as bretts house -- across the street from school practice room 3 -- fun times, remember? mmm i sure do. and that entire building is safe to us, those are my people tehre are many more places and i have many more ideas you know how i can get when i set my mind to something i will unblock you i was just afraid that maybe you agreed with your parents and that would honestly kill me you have no idea how happy i am to hear that you want to see me and need me, too cause sometimes it gets lonely over here love miss you 030925 ... sheriff beauford t. justice Yer in a heap a trouble bwah...now why doncho0 just step out of the car while I search the inside of your skull for contraband with my night stick? 030925 ... endless desire practice room three wont work though. mom doesn't want you one school campus and i gave her my word that if i saw you there, i'd tell her. i mean, she can't keep off campus but she says you don't "belong there" but yes. i suppose we will have to be creative. we always have been. 030925 ... impersonating your boy i belong there all of my friends and counselours are there and she will not keep me from living my normal life would you really tell her? set up your new email account i want you back around too do you want to try and see me at bretts house then? all you have to do is walk over i told you, im doing fine haha having you stolen away today just made me realize how much i really do need you i need to see you, too i caught a glimpse of you today out of the corner of my eye. you looked just as cute and beautiful as ever, fixing your hair you make me smile 030925 ... endless desire i gave her my word. haha saw me at school. that's what i heard. . .maybe you ARE stalking me ;) im sick. real sick. ugh and at school because of tests and a game today. what a dedicated student i am. ugh. yeah i'll set up a new email. 030926 ... impersonating your boy youre right. this whole internet thing is getting annoying. i need to be able to see you and touch you and talk to you in front of me. we will be creative 030926 ... endless desire sorry guys. i know blather's orignal purpose was not to have conversations or whatever this was. i just didn't know what else to do. didn't mean to waste blue. we shall take it elsewhere. 030928 ... impersonating your boy but where? seeing you sitting there and unable to speak. . . unable to touch this is torture 030928 ... impersonating your boy id like to try and fix things, if you want. i dont even know what to say anymore. i know we dont know how. . . but its a start. so, what do you say? smiles 031024 ... endless desire you're not online. i wanted you to be. i have a story to tell you. but oh kay. 031024 ... impersonating your boy undelivered emails and AIM that passes in the night, and i just dont get it. and im getting fed up. i am so confused and i dont want you to go to your island. hatred and anger and solitude and hurt and i dont want you hurting. if you were stranded on a desert island, id hope youd take me i dont know what you want you say im not here but im always here, waiting for you you tell me you hate me but then rush to talk to me you tell me you love me but then say you cant you say you cant be with me but you tell me not to worry, youre not interested in anyone else you say you tell me everything and i believe you you say you miss me and i believe that, too i am not accusing you of anything. im not mad. im just so confused and torn up and missing_you. because i miss you and i remember the good times im waiting for you but im getting tired of standing in the rain i want to be with you but dont ask me for answers, because i dont know anymore than you i need you but i am sick of cryptic conversations and unclear messages i want you to come back but you seem so angry and poisoned all the time but i_miss_you most of all because i still love you ok? 031029 ... . . 031030 ... . . 031030 ... . . 031031 ... ellipsis ellipsis 031031 ... ... we can't take the suspense 031101 ... endless desire why does it pain me to say i still love you. . . too 031101 ... endless desire no no no im telling you this isn't right. leave me be. you dont need me. you dont want me. im no good for you. just listen. twisted thoughts will twist your mind. i'll poison anyone who dares come near. 031101 ... impersonating your boy but i do and im not going anywhere ive got the antidote (comes closer, opens arms) 031101 ... endless desire i called. twice. i come around. look online. you're never there. all_i_do_is_cry_anyways 031101 what's it to you? who go blather from