emmi julia is my little 5 year old sister, a true ocean_child 050513
anonymous blatherskite afeard of discovery this is my name... it's a pretty name, i think - i don't think it suits me :)

silentbob Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all tose kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh
silentbob The first time I talked to you I messaged you at work and told you I really liked your play. I gushed to you a long time about how great I thought you were and you seemed really appreciative to receive the praise. You are always so humble.
We had other chats after that that involved gifs and things.
Last summer I sent you an awkward message saying we needed to have an old-fashioned friend project since you no longer work with me and we don't run in the same circles, we'd have to go out of our way to hang out but we were obviously meant to be friends. You seemed receptive, but it never happened I added you to the picnic group on facebook but we never had picnics that summer.
When you would have shows I would tell people to go. I only went to one. You read a piece about penis envy and I made lots of people come with me so it wouldn't be weird.
I day-dreamed about starting a reading series you could read at. I day-dreamed about writing a screenplay with you. I day-dreamed about being friends with you. I started to get a really stupid crush on you.
I started dating Clara but you were always in the back of my mind.
I performed at the Green Mill and you were there and you were so nice to me and laughed at inappropriate parts which I thought was just so charming.
I ran into you at a party and said we needed to hang out and it was really awkward and you seemed like you were just being polite.
I broke up with Clara and my crush on you had consumed me. It hasn't been like this in years.
I have wanted to be alone for a while and you changed that. you make me want a relationship. I thought that part of me had died and I would never love someone like this again, but I don't feel that way anymore. You make me not want to settle for anything less than what I want.
We are meeting up this week and I am going to interview you for a radio story. I am terrified and trying to be realistic but cautiously optimistic. I am going to try to be really charming and hope we have chemistry. So that when I ask you out it won't be that weird or unreasonable. If it goes badly I may not ask you out, because this is so so so tenuous and I am so emotional. But I get the impression you're kind of into nervous awkward people, because that's what you are too.
silentbob 86 people liked the photo of me at the Green Mill and one of them was you. 140112
no reason this doesn't so much have to do with anything except to say that i love the green mill, and things happened for me there too. 140112
silentbob Today I made you laugh in a normal way and it made me feel normal. And also charming, attractive, and good. 140113
silentbob I asked for your number. I said "I will text you the word unicorn so you know it's me" You replied with a horse emoji. I told you I would name him/her Percy. You replied with a series of H's and A's that seemed genuine / sincere 140114
silentbob the irony of turning you into this person in my head, this gregarious free_spirit who will answer all my prayers and solve all my problems when the whole point of your new play is to subvert and parody 100% of those notions and to lampoon the manic_pixie_dreamgirl trope.

You have probably already been pursued by every single one of your male friends with their secret crushes and infatuations and brazen, overconfident beerbreath beards, who all believe they will be different.

I will be different, I think, as I satisfy my own trope, of sad male friend whose only function is to love you and wish you were his, going out of his way to be accommodating and offering to help whenever possible, without posing any kind of threat or conflict. Selfless, selfless, selfless.

What happens with these two characters clash?
unhinged (she asks you for help planning the perfect date with someone else. it is a group date, with you and a couple other friends tagging along cause she doesnt want it to obviously seem like a date. the whole night you die a little inside. at the end ofthe night, she pats you on the shoulder and leaves the group with that other guy. you feign a smile, go home alone, and write all about it on blather.

no. wait.

that was me years ago
joseph_and_i )
silentbob I tell you to break a leg. And to text me when you get out. I tell you to give my love to Percy.
You say you turned him into glue.
Wow, I say. Not sure how to process. Bright side: Now kids can build birdhouses. He so loved giving.
Your characteristic H's and A's.

I watch the play about a manic_pixie_dreamgirl and it is not what I am expecting. It is not necessarily an overtly feminist response, but in some ways is less obvious and more subtle, a gentler form of criticism of this genre. More of a parody, satisifying the cliches with a wink to the audience. And a strangely hilarious sex scene where the actors legitimately disrobe.

When I turn on my phone I text you "burger meat taco" and you say "I'm so glad you caught that." (you don't know that I am hanging on every word of this writing)

We meet at Bad Apple with Jessi and I tell you you are not going to pay for your meal, the end and you say "You are a magician."

You order some kind of bizarre curry wrap and before it's over you've given me half of it.

Jessi holds the microphone up to our faces while we talk about your play.

At one point you say your interest in writing about this is how men flock to you and assign all these roles to you and assumptions about you without even trying to get to know the real you, and i hesitate.

The interview goes well and I even get you to talk about Beyonce, and ask you why your writing style includes a theme of preciousness juxtaposed with horror. You say you grew up a tomboy, the only girl on your street, and to out-gross all the boys you had to be especially profane.

Outside we hug and I say we should hang out again, movies, etc and you say yeah, let's be buds for real.

On the walk to jessi's car I overanalyze every detail and ask her to help me parse out what words meant, and there is no grand conclusion other than it was a good idea i did not ask her out this moment, and that it is still basically up in the air, but that I should still ask you out.

Then Jessi asks me if I was ever infatuated with her when we first started talking. I admit yes. I ask her, and she says the same.

I text you to send me an emoji when you get home. You send me a house, a smiley face, a horse, and a sad face. And you say it's percy, he's dead.
silentbob trying to hide the ugliest version of myself from you.
not sure what is next.
there was so much emotion attached to the idea of seeing you
and then i saw you
and remembered you are a person
you have all the qualities i knew you had
your frazzled demeanor
your sense of humor
funny voices
and then i left and
i'm still kind of addicted to checking to see if there are messages from you
but the emotion is gone.

and i am trying to figure out what that means.

I think the emotion was tied to the mystery
and that everything about you is still true
and that i am just calming down because we had a normal conversation which allowed me to not feel like some sort of insane person
I think if it had gone badly I would still be tripping over my desire for you, as if needing that validation
but because it went well it built up my stupid confidence
but why is my own confidence tied to how how intensely i feel?
I think maybe because I am less vulnerable.
Maybe I am addicted to feeling vulnerable. Or being vulnerable makes me think I'm in love.
Maybe I just need to be vulnerable.
I think you're supposed to be confident when it starts and then become vulnerable. I think that's what normal people do.
I think I'm the opposite. I am so nervous at the start because I have so much to lose. And then as I get more comfortable and it feels more secure, so too does my confidence and all vulnerability leaves me.

I just ache for that capacity to love someone and I want to be right about you because you're a big fucking weirdo like me. And I like your face and you make me laugh.
silentbob I texted you to tell you to listen to my radioshow at 2.
You texted back : "I have a gym date! WHO AM I?"
And then IMMEDIATELY sent another text
"(Not a romantic date. I'm not a monster)"
I replied with an emoji of a seamonster.
silentbob If we were not friends on Spotify I would not know you were listening to sad songs. 140120
epitome of incomprehensibility In my agenda:

email Julia
email Julia of Z
email Julie?

I need to diversify my friends' and acquaintances' names portfolio. Perhaps I should tell one of them to switch her name to Xylitol (Xylie for short) or perhaps Citronella.


(She sounds like a nice person, though. I have a theory that people with the name Julia are cool.)

Also, silentbob, you have a radio show? Can I be one of your adoring fans? I wouldn't be able to hear it from here unless it were also a podcast, of course, but I'm curious.
silentbob Today we had a successful interaction that allowed me to stave off the vulnerability, but only for a moment.
silentbob I am getting closer to the time when I can ask you about you. I tagged you in a post about Drake and you told me you wanted to be inside him. You liked two of my instagram pictures of strange pale light and it made me feel like a celebrity had just spoken to me. I look forward to having a conclusion about you one way or another. I feel good today. 140126
silentbob I know you've been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here's what I'll do
I'll take_care of you
silentbob I sent the interview to Dylan for notes. Instead of giving me notes, he had Eugene post it. Eugene sent it to you. Eugene sent me an email saying you had problems with it. All productivity was derailed at work because of this exchange.
I texted you to see what you had to say. You said you sent me a facebook message. How did it not notify me?
After fraught conversation I figured out what the problem was and told you I would fix it tonight.
I asked how you were doing and you said sleepy.
I sent you the scene from saved by the bell where jessie spano is so excited, so excited, so scared and I got a laugh.
Later I changed my profile pic. It got 160 likes and yours was the only one that mattered to me.
silentbob I'm just sayin', you could do better
Tell me have you heard that lately
silentbob You texted me first to lament that no one was at your show. I had told you I couldn't promise I would be there but I would maybe be there. You didn't ask if I was coming, but I said "If you need a cheerleader, I can probably still make it"
"There is NO one here, so I wouldn't come unless you can grab a couple buds"
I took that as a sign not to come.
But I have spent the rest of the night thinking, what if I showed up, what if I brought you dinner, what if you loved it? What if it was absolutely great and I charmed you so thoroughly?
I know if I had done any of that we would have sat awkwardly next to each other and it wouldn't have been that great and my discomfort wouldn't put you at ease.
But it made me feel nice that you texted me before I texted you. You thought of me. You.
Also, the interview will be posted soon.
silentbob I asked you to a movie via text message because_the_internet and you replied with an emoji of a movie projector and a thumbs up which I liked because it felt like a callback to previous conversations we had.
The amount of broken my brain was when I saw it was 100% broken because I was expecting a polite letdown. Before I responded I took a screenshot and texted it to Susan and Katie because they have been helping me emotionally through "this."
And then I said "Great! We will figure out times because we are both the most busy."
And you said "We are both super great at being the most busy."
So now all I have is hope and optimism and trying not to shoot myself down and to emotionally prepare for the bottom possibly falling out which could happen at any moment in any situation with agency.

The first song I listened to after I talked to was modern_love by Bowie. And I went to the German restaurant with Kaylie, Anjali and Kevin and ate Bratwurst and strudel and on the walk home I told Kaylie about what happened and together we weighed the pros and cons of how we have different schedules. And I texted Susan to tell her that I was now too afraid to say anything, just because this moment, right now, is so perfect.
silentbob Gif of kitten batting pizza between two paws in space, as means of seduction. 140130
silentbob You have not responded to the email with suggested times. I am still holding out the possibility you will say you misunderstood that I meant as a date, or that you changed your mind. Or that you just don't respond at all.

Being prepared for all of that means I am expecting any possible outcome, and I therefore feel invincible. Nothing can harm me right now because I am already prepared to hear bad news or good news.

I would like to hear back from you though. That would make me happy.
silentbob Today I lay in bed a long time and thought about dirty things. 140201
silentbob re-reading messages I sent you to see if they seemed weird. Decide they seem normal and you are either busy and bad at email, or trying to figure out if the schedule works, or suddenly hit with the reality that i meant this as a date and are just flaky about responding or not interested in that suddenly which is maybe weird on your part. Think I will pull back and let you come to me. And if you don't, that's that. 140202
silentbob 31 people liked the photo I posted on Facebook and none of them was you. 140204
silentbob It's been a month and we have not spoken.
I found out we are both reading at the same reading on Friday. We are both featured performers. A seizing in my stomach.
Wanting to make it not be weird, to be normal, so when I see you we have a foundation or a framework where we can be friends, so it's not the first time we speak since i asked you out and you said yes and then stopped responding.
I posted a link on your facebook, drunk_in_love as told through emoji. you said "And I will live to see another day."
A successful and normal human interaction. Now we can be friends.
silentbob You walked in the room and the first thing I did was waved but you didn't look at me and talked to the sound guy to give him your script. And people approached you and you talked to them a while and I decided to wait. I was sitting in the front row of a tiny room with wood floors and low ceilings, a tiny space in the front of the room that served as the stage. It was parted by a makeshift aisle, making two hemispheres of seating, and I was on the left. You sat down on the right and said "Hey bud" I said "Is that a bagel sandwich?" You said yes, and I asked you what was on it and you told me the ingredients, and started slipping into an affected lisp (cawwots, wettuce) the kind that I might have found obnoxious in someone else, but with you I felt only obnoxious pangs in my chest about it. We didn't really speak to each other after that, both sat facing the stage, as the room filled in behind us. I felt a weirdness, a tension, cornered by one, isolated. Ben V obscured you and talked at you for what seemed like forever. And when Aliza came in I came to life and opened up to talk all about all my updates and to shower her with thank yous for coming. And the part of me that seeks retribution wanted you to see what a charming and beloved person I am to people who matter, and that that should be you. We told stories about people you knew and you would glance over, which made me feel bad, because it made me wnat to include you, not isolate you. I felt like we were isolating you. But I didn't say anything to you and you didn't say anything to me.
The show started. When it was my turn I made eye contact with the audience, including you and when we made eye contact your eye darted away immediately, which to me confirms the weirdness, because I am the person on stage, you're supposed to look at me, and I am supposed to make eye contact with the audience, we are supposed to make eye contact, but when I did you looked away. I wish I could climb in your head to find out what your version of events is, to see what compelled you to stop speaking to me 2 months ago.
When it was your turn you mopped the floor with me. When you talked I made eye contact with you and it seemed like you were looking at me. And when you were especially funny I applauded. When the show was done, you turned to me and applauded me as if to acknowledge me which made me, i guess, soar. The readers stood in a circle and we talked to each other you and i and i touched your arm to tell you how much i loved the way you vocalized your point, how it really got to me. you admitted you felt self conscious re: the overlap and I recounted my similar experience from previously. Conversation drifted and I scratched your arm and indicated I was going to go talk to another group, and we waved. When I left the building I didn't say goodbye to you. You showed up at the bar we were at to say goodbye to the others. And I moved to open myself to hug you but you were hugging someone else and it was awkward for a second, before you turned and hugged me, and said, good job. And that was it.
silentbob 50 people liked my cover photo and one of them was you. 140315
silentbob 160 people liked the photo of my halloween costume.

But not you.
what's it to you?
who go