joseph_and_i unhinged you'll be just like him almost down to a tee the way you use me we'll be such great friends i'll patch you up after a five-year shattered relationship you'll expect me to smile when you find another pretend like you didn't see the way i looked at you god man i don't think i can do this again 061123 ... unhinged am i patient enough to hope our friendship will turn into something better down the road? am i embittered enough to think it will end the way it always has in the past? that i'll be the friend that means so much more to you while i ache for a deeper connection? that i will have to leave you and you won't get why? will you wake up one day and realize that you love me? but almost surely you'll choose another over me expecting all the while that i will always be the crutch that holds you up yes, what about the love i need? 061123 ... unhinged i think both of us will be sticking to band rule no. 1 for awhile. ugh but that track is so fucking hot...damn hot 061125 ... unhinged i'm disconnected by your smile disconnect a million miles disconnected from my heart cause my brain knows the games you play will only make me crazy you're making me crazy i'm through playing with boys i want a girl that can make some noise i'm sure you won't be able to stop thinking about me baby once i get my hands on you 061130 ... unhinged being_perfectly_honest : i can only love you do what you will 061209 ... unhinged i was convinced the_less_said_the_better but i'm tired_of_living_on_lies with you but i'm afraid so afraid that it eeked a few tears from my eyes today talking about it trying to decide what to do i'm afraid to lose you too confused so many things said unretractable i'm pissed at your lack of honesty but i can't tell you the whole truth i'm afraid so afraid afraid your reaction will be less than ideal that you will say exactly what i don't want to hear even while you give me that_look which you could be so good at hiding most of the time confused and so afraid already preparing myself for the day that you'll walk_away i'm too old for this shit 061217 ... unhinged he laughs too much like sam ; the resemblance freaks me out there are some things my practice has yet to retrain; this is a good example. if i was as good at letting_go as i should be, this whole thing wouldn't even be an issue. 070103 ... unhinged i love him to a painful degree what a test of my faith to be happy in the face of the hole he ripped in my heart with his crooked smile to be that close to him and not be able to hold him to not cling to either end of this rollercoaster to love someone that much and just let that emotion be in your heart no matter what you get in return if they won't love you back to be able to use the love you have for them for yourself what a test what a painful terrifying fucking test 070106 ... unhinged good enough to make you look good but not good enough to be the trophy empty hands always grasping you make me ill 070113 ... unhinged he does more than laugh like sam. i'm glad i escaped this one relatively unscathed. 070120 ... unhinged i haven't escaped it just when i thought i could be done he pulls me close if_only i could cut_and_run 070131 ... pete live well unhinged, and run and cut if you must. 070131 ... unhinged you make a public announcment out of what i mean to you, how i inspired you to be better. you made a public announcement and i couldn't make a fuss. i was too intoxicated by other things to be angry. too little too late. a week too late. you lost me anyways asshole to something i can't even have 070331 ... unhinged i'm sorry i'm really sorry all those times i told myself 'he's just trying to get through his own suffering; any way i can help him do that is good enough' well it should have been good enough after last night i can only begin to imagine what that word suffering means to you and i'm so sorry that so many years of past conditioning bubbled up inside of me but being_perfectly_honest we aren't good for each other that way that perfect way that i want so badly so many years of past conditioning i'm trying to break but i still would gladly be the boat the bridge the ship that carries you across the water yes you have been a painful terrifying fucking test and i would still do anything to make you happy 070403 ... stork daddy keep a little happiness for yourself too. 070403 ... unhinged oh but you know that's next to impossible for me; especially when the happiness i want to keep is so far away. 070403 ... fix you could always try Buddhism... if all else fails..? i think that is... maybe what i will do. not as escapism... Buddhism ... a true Buddhist has no attachment to anything.. just to love everything and everyone... 070403 ... unhinged yeah that attachment thing it's hard 070404 ... . mmmm.... nevermind hay. 070404 ... unhinged i got to meet the girlfriend tonight that's always fun 070405 ... unhinged so angry at the fact that i let you make me feel as bad as you did the other night i'm supposed to be the comforting smell from your childhood in times of trouble when the only time i ever thought i needed you i immediately stopped myself from dialing the phone knowing you couldn't be bothered to listen you couldn't be bothered to come hold me for a bit i would never trust myself to cry in front of you when my heart broke i immediately thought of you and then how i wouldn't dare ask you for help wouldn't want to inconvience you 070405 ... unhinged you're just like him i remember the day i met his girlfriend 070405 ... unhinged ME, I'M NOT and it's happening never planned on this you got something i need kind of dangerous and i'm losing control i'm not used to this what you want from me? i'm not used to this can't seem to shut it off this thing i've begun and it's hard to tell - just where it's coming from and it's hard to see what i'm capable of and it's hard to believe - just what i've become hey can we stop? me, i'm not i can swallow it down keep it all inside i define myself by how well i hide feel it coming apart well at least i tried i can win this war by knowing not to fight if i take it all back some way somehow if i knew back then what i know right now hey can we stop? me, i'm not --- nin sad part is i did know then what i know right now and i let it happen anyway caught me at a time when i thought hey it's better to be used than be alone and then i'll climb in my hole be alone for a year and crawl back out when i'm ready for some more abuse and i can beat myself down for predicting it now a social animal with asocial tendencies burnout_timeout i'm going to go sit in the corner now 070419 ... to the bone my mummy make rude cakes ! you should see them ! i can' wait to give her a party. 070420 ... unhinged 'i've had more wordless_conversations (sic) with you than i've had with anyone in my whole life' 'no matter how much you tell me to fuck_off it won't change how i've always felt about you' nice try asshole i don't believe anything you say anymore your words mean nothing to me fuck_off but it's easy for you to ignore my anger isn't it? 070505 ... jack spacington havent seen each other for months on end. 070505 ... unhinged not in_love with you anymore but the memory of it still hurts me sometimes that you walked away from me for that bitch for months on end but yes part of me will always love you sad_but_true 070729 ... unhinged funny how when i feel hopeless for him my heart comes back to you. when i looked in your sad eyes today, i realized i still love you. flecked grey with brown today your eyes were magical_eyes 080803 ... place i still can't be an asshole, even if i wanted to. (which i don't.) 080804 ... unhinged transitive and when i'm with him, all i think of is you. 081014 ... unhinged moments_of_intersection you said you were going to quit, and sadly there was a feeling of relief in my heart. that if i didn't have to see you, i could let_go . but of course when you thought about it rationally, you couldn't quit. so you are cutting back to parttime in april. with my luck, you will work your three days a week, three of my days a week. and your parttime will still be fulltime to me and i will have no relief. as long as i see you, there is no letting_go . the hard ball we've made in my heart aches for letting_go ; because you don't get it and i'm too afraid to explain it to you. because i seem to mean nothing. that even though you know what happened to me last summer, you still managed to use me in a similar manner and pretend like it didn't matter. i'm thankful for the line you drew, but nakedness with people i care about changes things for me. and you said nothing, acted like nothing happened. so when someone else was interested in me, which is a rare occurrence, i ran. even though i didn't care about him, i ran. because he openly told me how he felt. there was no guessing. there was no pit in my stomach (at first). there were no wordless_conversations . there was no heart flopping. there was no creative connection. he was everything you aren't. considerate, sweet, stable. boring. i knew it would hurt you. that's why i did it; ran. because i knew, that even if i could somehow magically grow the balls to ask you what it meant, what happened between us, you would still tell me what i didn't want to hear. that we were drunk. that it was just because we were drunk. so i ran. and now i feel like fleeing every time i see you. and just hanging with you makes me angry. everything you say to me now makes me angry. 'us' 'we' 'our' makes me angry. 090220 ... unhinged wow definitely ready to let that one go if you have to ask me if i was lying, you don't know me at all. 090316 ... unhinged let_you_go i did love_you_still i do 110223 what's it to you? who go blather from