being_perfectly_honest Christ without the cross This page is dedicated to keeping it real. Complete, total honesty. Well, here i go 061102 ... Christ without the cross When i talk to myself (or God) in public i put my cell phone to my ear so that no one will know. I suck at this. I can't think of anything. Im wondering why i even made this page. It probably some pathetic attempt to be honest without having to deal with real life consequences. i am a coward. I am nervous around almost everybody i know. Why is that. I don't think im ugly. After years of compliments and looking in the mirror i actually think that i'm very attractive. i spend most of my time trying to avoid social situations but when i am actually comfortable i am pretty good at them. But this occurance is so rare. I like pink. I can sometimes be very superficial. I think it springs from the idea that i think i just may look too good for some people (which is an idea i constantly beat down on other people for). There are days i think i am ugly. There are many days i think i am lame. I just realize that i don't have any big secrets. My best friend is in love with me. But he hates that fact because i don't have those type of feelings for him. So now we hardly talk. Life has drifted us apart. Sometimes i think my ex is a slut. I hate that about myself because i know that there was times during our relationship that i wished i was single so that i could cheat. I never did but she did. It was towards the end of the relationship the day before we broke up (as far as i know). I don't always believe that. She is young and i am too. I don't really think that you can be with someone i never ever want to be somewhere else. I envisioned killing my best friend the other day. there are times i think i want to kill him. I am sensitive and sometimes he makes jokes that get to me. its the same for him but he never seems to understand when other people get offended at his jokes and react with hostility. I have a temper problem. i am also very jealous and possessive even though i don't let it show. It's most likely because i have been cheating on so many times. I drool in my sleep. Sometimes i drool when im awake. I think its so gross. My palms sweat all the time. There doing it now. I can't think of anything else 061102 ... Christ without the cross I fingered my ex girlfriend so that i could sabotage the chances of getting back with my other ex girlfriend. I can't say for sure that was what it was but it seems to make sense to me because i always do weird things at weird times. I amm wondering if i should right this here. But why not. The word should know that i am an ass. Especially you, you know who you are. But it is a crushing sensation now, like living without air. I have created so much barriers with my mind that it seems like i devised the perfect prison for myself. Is it really sabotage or have just lost all interest in going back there. I am afraid of going back but i wouldn't say that i am not interesting. But there are so many new things that drive me and so many new beliefs that i have taken in, all because they give me a sense of joy that life itself has kept from me. DO i believe the things i believe because it is comforting? hell yes. Will they bring me out of this prison? that remains to be seen. But i also believe because i can see it all around me but not only because someone told me it was there, as what has been happening all my life, but because i can truly see it. So you can try to sum up your life in one honest statement. "I have something to prove." But you will realize that the twist to life is: there are always layers. And in that moment when a layer peels back and you can see another one beneath it you will realize that thing you needed to prove was already proven with your existance. How did this turn into a speech? i like to hear my inner voice speak and yes it is personally gratifying. But i hope that it can help someone just like me. Do i have something to prove? I think i do. most times. In reality, or as a peel back a layer of reality, the answer is no. I have nothing to prove. So why do i constantly have to state things about myself, about what i do that others don't as a way of proving myself? Am i self righteous? Yes. Am i humble? Hardly. But this is getting long, and my life is getting shorter, at least this one. 061112 ... empty i'm tired of the layers covering me. sometimes i want to rip them off and walk around with my heart naked. as time goes on i know that sometimes, we need them, to cover a wound, or it'll get infected, and it will take even longer to heal, and sometimes it just wont, and it kills you, and eats away the rest of you. i wish i could express, everything i feel, but im too afraid of looking stupid. i wish everyone knew i how much i love them but i hate them all at once. i've never had anyone to cheat on, ive never had anyone to cheat on me. id never admit to falling in love but i know that ive been hurt. really bad. and i cant forget. as life takes me further from the pain i seem to run into new ones. maybe, if it was all me, if i said what i really wanted to say, and did what i really wanted to do, i wouldnt feel that bad. as long as someone knew what i really felt, and what i really think, i would know that i did what i was supposed to do. i wouldn't go on regretting like i do now, because someone has to go through life not knowing that i love them, that i hate them, or that they hurt me, or that im sorry. 061208 ... unhinged the look he gets on his face when i say no baffles and entertains me. his expectations are rather high considering our 'friendship' you don't get to assume that i will buy you things if you can't admit to dating me. you can't depend on me to carry cash where ever we go. you can't assume that you will get whatever you ask for. that is not friendly behavior. too much of us is beyond friendly. but since we don't fuck, we aren't dating. bullshit...fucking BULLSHIT. i need space. if we aren't dating, why do i feel like i need space from you? why am i looking forward to going out of town for a week and a half? i know i have made us what we are just as much as you have. i don't place all the blame on you. probably not even your equal share of it. but i just want you to admit to your co_dependent ambiguous bullshit. i want you to admit to how you use me, seriously with no fucking joking tone in your_voice . because it isn't a joke that you 'want to be single right now' but want me to wake up on your couch every morning. you really should take that tarot reading a little more to heart. 061209 ... sab is often quite difficult for me without being offensivly blunt or flippant mark that down on the List 061210 ... not Dave Chappelle when_keeping_it_real_goes_wrong 061211 ... Christ without the cross i think you are attractive and I might screw you but I would regret it later and you don't deserve that. You don't deserve to be a regret and I have grown too much to start thinking with my penis now. 061211 ... tessa i am not sure about anything not a single thing 061212 ... Christ without the cross What does it matter anyway? I can't win with you and if i try to put myself out there i get crushed everytime. But then you want to get angry with me when i give up. When i stop calling or stop stressing over your bullshit. You don't want me to be happy. you want to torture me and you want me to care enough to be hurt by you. I'm sorry I am not good enough for you. i'm sorry that you can't listen to me. i'm sorry that i don't measure up as a man. I'm trying. I'm trying to be better. I'm... Its too much work to throw blame on you. it won't make me feel better or help me grow. I will stop with this mindless jabber and refrain from throwing stones because... i still feel like I have something to prove and i am angry because I feel inadequate. Sorry. I tries 061213 ... Christ without the cross I tried 061213 ... anne3345 I'm planning on cheating on you. I could have called earlier, like you asked, but why bother? I don't think you love me, and I don't think I love you. I'm keeping you around as a back up because I don't believe I could do any better. I hate you sometimes. Sometimes I want to be you. I've lost my name. I am now just an add on to other people. I am "so and so's roommate." I am the Plus One. I am never just me. I always pretend. I am never honest. Sometimes I act out just to see what the reactions of others will be. On occassion I am actually proud of myself. Not often. I usually wish to die at least once a day. Then I take it back, with some excuse. I try to be what other people want me to be. I hate being the center of attention. I want to be the center of attention. I hate talking, but I wish someone would listen. I am full of contridictions. I like pop music. I don't want to be close to anyone, but I get upset that they don't try. I get upset when they try, because they don't try hard enough. I hate myself. 061213 ... jane letter_to_sean i've decided it's better to actually be honest with someone rather than writing letters i'll never send 061213 ... They call me truth The trick is you have to not care, or at least give up on the misconception that you can make someone like you. You have to actually give up on getting attention and proving your worth. You have to live on a level where people’s thoughts and ideas of you are just the result of moods emotions and events and are no more or less the truth than your own thoughts of yourself. There is nothing substantial in a judgment unless it serves you. A judgment that tells you that you are not good enough does not serve you. People will not like you. They will think that you have an excess of some trait, quality or behavior. They will say that you have too much pride or too much vanity or even too much goodness. They will think that you don’t have enough of something too. People are flaw seeking and they will say many things about you behind your back that they won’t dare say to your face. Many of it probably won’t ever reach your ears. So why place so much importance on whispers in the wind from people searching to find ways to fix everyone else except themselves. Why put everything on words of judgment. Will you stop them by worrying about what they think? Will you change the way things are by dwelling in it. You will never wipe your slate clean. You will never convince the entire world of your worth and that you are amazing just the way you are. You will never gain complete acceptance. Why? The world will not stop its lack of acceptance to accept you. The world will never accept and appreciate you even for your faults if they don’t accept their own. What you must come to realize is that we act out our hatred for things within us by attacking it in other people. Our compass points away more than it points towards because we are desperately trying to destroy all the ugly we see and feel. We are desperately trying to prove ourselves better, stronger, more loving, more considerate, more attractive, more righteous. And to do this we seem to need a contrast so that we can see ourselves as those things. That contrast is everyone else. But its ironic they same people we put down to build ourselves up are the same people we look to for validation and worth. And so we live our delusions by living our lives through the thoughts, actions and opinions of everyone else. If this person does not love you, you are not good enough. If you they mistreat you, you are not worth being cared for. We measure ourselves by their actions and weigh ourselves by their words. We analyze and prod everything that the world is doing so that we can measure our self worth. And we wonder why we are so unhappy. 070108 ... tessa i wasn't that drunk 070121 ... Ouroboros i wish i could slip back and be depressed and self-centered and be suicidal and be heart-broken with every song tweaking my mangled heart-strings. blathering sad words until dawn. miserably sleeping through class. etc but i think i know too much now to do these things. It would be lying. I would be faking_it. but now i am in between- i am between footsteps. i see how i am still holding myself back from full growth and being fully alive, but i am scared, because i don't know what to do (although i do know what not to do- but i do it anyway). and i feel just a little more than lame writing this 070121 ... pete i'm about a hop, step, and a jump past you oo, my friend. there is no lameness in humanity, unless all of humanity is lame (which is entirely possible) 070121 ... sab all the time is really tiring 070121 ... unhinged i am afraid to drive to michigan with you. i am afraid to be alone with you in a car for that long because i am also afraid that it will be the perfect opportunity for you to ask me questions i really don't want to answer and i won't be able to avoid them and/or run away. but maybe a roadtrip would be good for us. maybe it would be good to get that shit out between us. this rock you are making in my heart is getting damn heavy to carry alone. 070122 ... jane with jason i told him about people i had slept with, stuff that i had held in because e didnt want to hear about it, i told him about the guy from snl and his two friends, and we laughed about it and drank beers and i told him i was in love with the bartender just for a moment and i think he understood and later i showed him my breasts and passed out on his bed. nothing happened except his hand stretched out on my hip but still i have to omit telling e because of how much he flipped when i told him about sleeping with that guy four years ago, let alone four days ago. 070326 ... Christ without the Cross wow it has been a while. I must admit i have been a lot more honest than i ever was. i still love you but i hardly ever think of you but when i do it is like my world implodes and rebuilds again. Every time. 070712 ... Chrystal Wong sometimes the blade isn't sharp enough. 070712 ... unhinged i am mostly relieved that your choices put you in a minimal position in my life. i am calmer, happier, healthier without you. you made the choice to be with that dumb bitch and knock her up. i can't say that no matter what you say or do to me i will feel the way i've always felt about you. because i don't want to sleep on your couch anymore. i don't want to be your partner in crime, confidante, waste all my good ideas on your projects. you made the choice to ignore me when she made your life difficult. even though i was angry, i would have still been your friend if you asked me to. which is something you probably will never understand. my anger was too much for you to deal with so you abandoned me. some friend you are. the_dalai_lama_laughs and i wanted you to hear that with me. say what you will, i'm sure she had at least something to do with you not being there. say what you will, i'm sure she had plenty to do with why our band stopped practicing. say what you will, she was a perfect excuse for me to walk away from you. part of me does feel bad that she's ruining your life and part of me is completely satisfied by it. maybe someday you'll learn how to take responsibility for your choices. 070713 ... Carrie Fisher "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." (1956 - ) 070713 ... unhinged i still talk to him occasionally. he still says sappy shit that makes minimal sense in the context of a friendship. we just live thousands of miles apart now 140923 what's it to you? who go blather from