unhingeddilemma_help unhinged see: sam and i couldn't sleep at all last night thinking of what i would say even if it was just to his voicemail if i called. and i am needing support, and maybe only what i want to hear, and i know that there is no such thing as closure, but i'm starting to get hysterical and i really want to talk to him but i'm being bipolar and keep convincing myself otherwise and.... yeah, i need help on this one skites or maybe just some bolstering 030827 ... oldephebe not qualified to pontificate - gotta ask though, are you really in a state of mind to consider a suggestion that doesn't square with what your heart is burning down inside to do? been in the land of loves roaring spear, many times, and usually when i'm in that place, my mind is obdurately closed to any suggestion that doesn't at least partially confirm my inentions - are you ready to open yourself up to wound again - or knowing yourself as only you do - do you think at this juncture in your promising life - can you endure - or even afford to expose yourself to another potentially heartbreaking dance of how many times do i have to stomp on your honest open giving heart before you walk away for good - like i said i'm not qualified to give advice - and maybe i'm impose my bias and experience on a situation that i know nothing about - flush these words down the old commode - your're a very talented and special young woman, i'd hate to see you give yourself to someone who can't return the bottomless depths of your passion/devotion - hate to see you open yourself by imperceptible gradations to the tyrannical vagaries of someones vanity or emotionally extorting heart - like i said - not really qualified to give advice - so this is just one mouth masticating from the opaque anonymous blue - later ... 030827 ... oldephebe i posted this without reading sam - i just caught that at the top of page - so 030827 ... x My opinion is that you could contact him if you wanted, but chances are that he will continue to be a difficult and sometimes distant person. He obvious has problems. You obviously have problems. This means that the two of you should not be together. It's a nice thought that two weak people can help each other grow strong, but it's mostly a lie. I have lots of personal experience on this. It seems like in this case it will have to be a matter of logis over emotions. You have a connection because you've had similar struggles and feelings. Unfortunately, that isn't the basis of a healthy relationship. I don't think you'll stay away from him because of anything I said, so I just hope for you that things don't get too bad. One way or another, you'll be ok in the end, because you've proven that you're a strong person. Good luck. 030827 ... pipedream im most certainly not, as oldphebe said, qualified to give advice on affairs l'amour. but one thing: why do you love him? if your reasons are good enough then maybe he's worth another chance...obviously he's on your mind a lot if you dream of him. you will also have to weigh the good stuff and the bad stuff of being with him, and see..if he's giving you more heartache than joy, then maybe you should move on. but is it fair to yell at him for doing coke if you do weed, for whatever reason? just call and say hi. he might be dreaming of you too. and maybe you two could still be friends, if nothing else. it'd solve that iffy friends-of-his-and-yours problem too :) 030827 ... pipedream hugs unhinged (therapy complete:) ) 030827 ... misstree actually, in my oh_so_humble_opinion, it is okay to strongly disapprove of and discourage someone doing coke if you do pot... a comedian once said "pot is to crack like an uzi is to a banana." now, coke isn't quite as bad as crack, but it's still a highly addictive substance that causes lots of damage both mentally and physically, sometimes killing. pot can make you a slacker, it's certainly not healthy and it is psychologically addictive, but it's still comparing apples and handguns. advice to come, once i wake up a bit. discriminates between being a slacker and being dead. 030828 ... Anna_Began See: thank_you_nicole I'm just not sure if it's my part or your part that's the advice I'm offering... Either way, we have a lot to discuss over thai food in two weeks. 030828 ... unhinged pipedream--- about the coke issue between me and him; like i said i HATE coke so i can get irrational. he didn't know about my weed problem and i mostly didn't smoke around him out of respect/support so....i was willing to leave my addiction at the door to help him get over his. i never said i wanted to be clean. he did. and i don't like the way people act on coke. but yeah, i could write a whole page about how/why i despise coke, that isn't for here. i understand what you mean and it was slightly hypocritical of me; but it was more serious and knowing him for years beforehand and just a statement of the obvious: you are not going to be clean if you are doing coke. it needs to be an all or nothing thing. if you want to be clean from other drugs then it doesn't make any sense to just start up using a different one. i agree with misstree about the difference between coke and weed; it is staggering. and this issue is inspiring different blathes. i needed bolstering in either direction; to keep walking away or go back. and every time i discuss him i usually only discuss the parts that make him look bad because it gives me the resolve to stay pissed. but there were years of friendship behind this relationship; there were huge amounts of change as a result of this relationship in both of our lives. and even while it was happening i would post here things like 'you can never stay with the one that healed you' i got over my addiction because of him; i got over my self_hate because of him; and i know there are still many bad issues floating around in this relationship. and maybe i should just continue walking away; i'm just being torn in two over this. as strong as i am now, it was horrible things that made me this way. if it was two years ago, i would still be calling him every night; i would still be with him right now. i guess maybe this isn't something i can get advice from anyone else for. if i want to do anything, i will do it. i'm just scared. i hate losing a friend, i hate losing myself, i don't want to be alone forever (while that seems totally melodramatic or whatever if i walk away, who's to say if there will ever be anyone else? that really isn't a certainty; it's just something mothers and friends say to help us get over it). and it's not just him that made our relationship what it was. it was me too. yeah, i just go in circles about all of it. all i know is that i miss him, and i still love him. but i don't think i want to BE with him anymore. but i definitely don't like the point that things are at. i know the friends thing hardly ever works. but i don't know...ggaaahhhh i'm done 030828 ... unhinged oldephebe--- i already ruined myself on a vain selfish person: bobbi sam wasn't like that. i don't really have time to explain much else right now because the stupid lab is closing. gggrrrr...i hate not having a computer. 030828 ... misstree okay, darlin'. here's my so_humble_it_hurts opinoinizing. first off, i understand. i know what it's like to Love someone, to want to be with them, i know how it tears you up, how there are all these little hellraiser hooks in your heart that get yanked whenever there's a bump in the road or worse. and my advice is to rip them out. the hardest thing in the world to do is walk away, to leave something behind. but if you don't leave things behind you'll never have space in the car to get what you need to the next place you're going, and it sounds like you've explored the borders of the geography you share with him, found its snakepits and its beautiful views, and listen to me, that place is driving you nuts. forgive me for repeating myself, but i know this is the shitty path, the one that brings hysterics and rage and tears and loneliness, but don't you get that right now? and time can only heal when the dagger is taken out. years is enough. find new ground, set up a tent, and see what the rest of the world is about. now, all i know of the situation is what i've read, and my own personality and experiences bias every piece of poo that comes out of my mouth, but that's my two cents. whatever you do, do it for yourself; selfless acts are worthless. good luck, you can do it--go team, and never thirst--there is always someone near by who will share water. 030828 ... User24 O fortune, just like the moon always waxing or waning. Vita detestabilis. personal@project2501.plus.com 030828 ... realistic optimist don't you feel the most alive during those moments in between heartbeats, when you are unsure whether it may beat again? When you swallow your soul only to regurgitate it upon a silver platter based upon the whims of another? these moments are worth the heartache, worth the little deaths, et les petits morts bien sur! the one time in the last 4 years i was able to admit love, the mere admission ended the relationship. the time i was nearest allowing myself to lose my pride for a chance at love, i was given an ultimatum: give up your life for a girl you've not met in person, who has intimacy issues, doesn't speak english, and was recently shot in the chest, raped, and thusly empregnated. needless to say, i decided to change things up a bit by switch hitting with the lotion while making kleenex alfredo. 030830 ... misstree is feeling contrary again but if you live in the moments of pain, what kind of bitter nectar are you sipping? debating recently with another soul who has seen hard times, the question was asked, is the perspective we have, the memories we carry as medals and weapons, are these worth what was gone through to get them? of the average person, whose life is less chaotic, whose tragedies are less grandiose in the telling or feeling, are theirs pains less valid than ours, who have walked the fires of hell with nothing but will? they are like housecats, whose pains fill the whole house with their yowls, yet are pains none the less. but i digress from the question; if mine were the hand of fate, would i put john_q_pulic through the experiences needed to awaken them? i look back on my own set, and part of me shudders. 030830 ... realistic optimist les petits morts is french for orgasms, yet literally translated, means "the little deaths." i posit that it's not all pain in there, else she would not be so eager to call him. perhaps she is not so miserable as pipedream would make her out to be. 030830 ... unhinged funny that i didn't know that when i wrote le_petit_mort and i guess you guys have all also restated the heart of my dilemma. part of me thinks that his part in my life has been fulfilled, the purpose is answered, and that all the little and not so little pains are better left abandoned at this point. it was a painful lesson that i learned with someone else about a year ago, that walking away isn't selfish. she didn't think of it that way; she thought i was a liar. but nonetheless, her opinions after all she put me through meant nothing to me at that point. as self_righteous as i still am about her, i know i'm right and she's wrong. so, i went through this year of hell and i told myself that i had learned from it. that some people aren't worth the hell that they want to put you through and that it's not wrong to walk away. but the hells he put me through were tempered with other more wonderful things; but i also wanted to walk away from that whole place and never look back. my years in youngstown were for the most part very bleak and the fact that the last month was somewhat more sunshiney made me hate that month at the same time that i loved it for chasing away the depression that had plagued me for so long. the grey clouds of the valley chased away by the sunshine of need. but since i asked you all for your help a few days ago, i've talked to some other people who reminded me of my own advice and i'm not going to call him. it's too soon. the way things are right now and what i want the end result to be, it's too soon. maybe in a few more months it will be okay. and i'm sure there's plenty of you screaming 'but that's not walking away' and maybe in the months that follow a complete and total walking away will exist. but i know he thinks i am trying to punish him right now; and maybe he will get over that in a few months. he is honestly one of the most sensitive people i have ever met; his specific astrology told me that though. and while it's definitely one-sided sensitivity most of the time, there is a definite way i have to deal with him. so, if it sounds like i'm just blowing off all the advice all of you left me on this page, i'm not really. i truly appreciate it. and i know none of you will hold it against me to make my own decisions :-) but it is hard to find someone that you can laugh AND cry with; hard to find someone that maybe doesn't understand what you do completely but appreciates it. so maybe i'll spend a little more time at blather engraining memories of him in these blue pages. but from eight hours away, things and perspectives definitely change. as much as i know i can't just wipe all that time in youngstown from my mind, i'm trying my best to disconnect myself from all the people and things that made my life hell there. and still i hear about the drama....but anyways, thanks you guys. sometimes i look at myself now and think 'two years can do a lot to a person' 030830 ... unhinged dilemma solved he called me last night while he was at the nyabinghi all drunk at crapeoke. asking me to tell him who was in savage_pastry ; he hasn't called me in two months and he calls me for that. well, he got to the point eventually and it wasn't that. he calls me two months later to tell me his life is shit and he's a moron. yeah, i could have told him that. and he tells me again that i can call him if i want; well maybe i have nothing to really say now dude. maybe YOU should call ME if you have something to say. cause last night when he called me all drunk, i really didn't have much to say other than the fact that he's an asshole. so now i'm just waiting for it; 'can i move up there with you?' pfffffff all i needed was to hear his drunk voice again babbling stupid shit and the dilemma was solved. i'm not bending over backwards for that shit anymore. 030925 ... oldephebe thou goest oh nubile one..wait what would be olde enlglish approximation of girl..lass? hmm.. thou goest oh not so winsome lass..thou art steel wrapped in velvet.. ok pardon me while i trip..but i'm glad every thing worked out..you sound like your speaking from a position of clarity and strength.. ... 030925 ... misstree and the illusion was broken and the princess kicked the broken down old wizard wannabe's ass and she lived happily ever after while he pissed his life away. the end (of that chapter) says yay! 030925 ... blather spell check dilemna 030925 ... blather spell check spell check dilemma, bitch. 030925 ... blather spell check ouch. 030925 ... Why? 030925 ... unhinged well it's really easy to stick up for yourself from 8 hours away.... but i have been working on the clarity thing; haven't been high for over three months. but that was a result of him, so there's some mixed emotions there. he gives me a weapon and then i use it against him but if he was still clean then i guess it wouldn't matter all that much. it's easier to not put up with shit when you are disconnected from it. but last night helped me be even more disconnected from it when i spent all day today in a bad mood with a stomach ache. he failed to learn that while he was in vegas going through all that shit i was in youngstown going through my own shit which makes ME fail to be able to put up with people ignoring me for a good length of time and then expect to be able to come right back in like they hadn't left. (i'm not sure why that's a reoccuring theme in my life...) it's going to take a little more work than that from now on. fuck_off sam. from all the way over here, you don't have anything i want anymore. and i definitely don't have room in my life for physical and mental discomfort. 030925 ... unhinged and misstree, i totally love that fairy tale. ;-) 030925 ... unhinged and it always gets worse before it gets better coke_vs_weed doing coke again; phone sex bitch; yeah, a bunch of my complexes once again confirmed. to learn how to not pick up the phone when people you don't want to talk to call....that's the next lesson to learn on the list. but i guess i kinda did wanna talk to him. and the past eight months vanish like a cheap disappearing act. 031207 ... pipedream glurrgghh, WHY? 'ees a nasty piece o' business, keep ya heart safe, matey... 031207 ... unhinged angels have turned into devils over night. its been known to happen. 031208 ... unhinged you would all be happy to know that i haven't talked to him since sometime in november i told myself i would call on march 28 cause that was a year, but i didn't and now i'm telling myself i'll call on his birthday at the end of june, but i don't know if i will this is the longest new year's resolution i've ever kept 040406 what's it to you? who go blather from