monadh i count the pages
cross the t's and dot the i's
fold the edges
bury it in rose petals
and send it to you
across the ocean
of moonlit shadowy water
silentbob dear someone
you're kind of a bigot of a different nature. you're elitest game is tired. please refrain from talking to me if that's all you're going to talk about.
unhinged i know you've been busy but i don't know what kind of a friend doesn't even call someone for over a month. i just thought you should know that i've been terribly lonely while you've been so busy and i don't know if i can deal with the occasional friend right now. i_miss_you but i think some things should be a little less one-sided. 011115
Aaron i wrote this back a while ago.. a long while now that i think about it... my last relationship...

when your not around.. all i think of is you.... and when i'm with you... all i think of is your well being and how happy you make me... on my mind... from the time i wake.. till late at night when i drift off to sleep... i love your smile... and your lips... i love your soft skin.. and your eyes.... i love the way you think.... very un-afraid and forward...i think your body is close to perfect... your smart.. you have a sence of humor.... i have a wall inside my mind.. and i'd let you in... tell you how i feel.. but you would run away... you said as much... and i know you too well.... i know that you would.. in fact.. probibly never talk to me again... yes.. i'm already attached... my feelings overwelm me.. and i fear.. i fear the rejection....( but its the funnest part...) in your eyes your god.. in mine i am too.... but in mine .. your also a goddess... i would worship you.. as you deserve... but thats just my oppinion... every female i have ever realy cared about... i have seen in you... because i care.. i think that just might make me weak.... but i still do... i can't help it... i care about you... i want to make you happy... your affection... sets my heart ablaze... i would hold you tight.. keep you warm.. cuddle all the time... we could go out.. movies.. dinner .. you name it... .. as it stands at the moment... you could use me and abuse me... and for the most part.. i wouldn't care.. as long as your feelings are real... i have been in love before.. .. but it never realy gave me the feeling like this... i get this feeling deep in my stomach.. .. not the nervous feeling.. the other one.. that jump.... the one that shocks you back to reality with a smile on your face... its a ache deep inside.. a longing.. i have been alone for so long.. at least it has felt like a long time to me... this is a crush.. but more than that.... i have never felt this way.. this is more than a crush... but i'm not in love with you yet.. i do love you.. and i'm falling more and more each day... and i can't stop my self.. all i want at the moment is you.. and your love... your not a thing to be possesed.. .. i learned that a long time ago... but i want you.. both your body .. and your affection.. you'll probibly never see this.. but i thought i would write it anyway... get my feelings out in the open.. i'll wait... and hope.. every time i think about you... i sigh.. shake my head.... and smile
ilovepatsajak if someone sees a rope with a little noose at the end of it just let me know, thanks. 011115
satan satan satan gimme an "X" 011115
ilovepatsajak my cousin veronica and i write to eachother all the time because she lives in italy. she draws me cool things and she wants to be a designer. she was related to gianni versace. i always like opening them and i can smell my memories from two years ago. i promised myself it wouldn't be the last time i was leaving there.

bacci e abbracci,
peaceSleepfully D
Thank you

For saying you would come with me just because I asked you to.
For coming even though you didn't want to.
For having fun even though you didn't expect to.
For understanding why I wanted to go.
For waiting for me long after you were ready to leave.
For pretending with me that their assumptions are correct.
For knowing what my opinion is before I've formulated it.
For listening because you care what my opinion is.
For taking your small humiliations with grace.
For your endless enthusiasm.
For honest conversation (with a grain of salt).

Our friendshipís not perfect, but it's fantastic.
ItGirl THAT was beautiful...

To a friend...

I don't like you and you don't like me. I love you and you need me. I told you you were the best_thing_that_never_happened to me... I was wrong... the good moments in my life... the bad ones I'll never forget, happened, because of you and who you are and who and what we are. No one will ever say we're friends, or lovers. No one will ever label this relationship that we revise every week. No one will understand what it means to each of us... even we do not truly understand. BUt I want you to remember, because I know I will... that no matter what we say... we're always friends.
Umbrella Lady Twist_and_shout, dear, because today is yesterday now. You are free.

You will stay free.
unhinged for_frank 050711
eris of course, parasol pretty. 050712
pete 'given to a girl, written by a boy' 050712
once again Dear Sir,

You are my good friend. You are sure and steady. You are kind and brave. You are joyful. And I quite fancy you.

jane Farmers market in cesar chavez park. I bought cherries for everyone & am the only one eating them.
Feel guilty for not writing my penpal.
Beti sent me a letter. I opened it & pieces of a flower fell out.
I am hungover, feeling more distant from crista than ever.
Night before last I had dinner with my dad & brother. They both came over to see the puppy, crista didnít even come out to say hi. Is this wrong of me to be offended? I always say hi to her family.
Lately I've been wondering about sarah cohen and what the hell is going on with her now. If she's had a nervous breakdown yet. I want to spy on her, donít know how.
Still doing paperwork from the car accident.
Sleep in sun does sound like heaven.
tessa how strange, the way the universe turns things up and puts them in front of you at such precise moments.

first the shuffle picks this particular song to play to me, reminding me so strongly of those happy days.

and then this blathe turns up at the exact moment when I am about to try to end a friendship, and reminds me why we were friends.

i guess my responsability now is to listen, and not ignore the messages around me, everywhere.
pete unsent, lost in november of 2006, found in may of 2007 by the one cleaning the room after you moved out 070510
shell game Hi M

I want to say something, but I haven't quite figured out what it is yet. So my plan is to just keep typing till it is all out.

R told me this morning that she has split up from Y. I was both shocked and not surprised at all.

I knew that she was unhappy, but I didn't really know why or how bad. I think I am a bit sad that I didn't know more about it (as well as, of course, being sad for R & Y. Aren't we too young for this to start now?).

I like to think of myself as the kind of person who my friends talk to when they are having problems. But I guess I have to realise that it works for some friends and not for others. It has never really been that way between me and R now that I think about it, she has never trusted/respected/been in touch with me enough to confide in me, I have always got the 'everything is great' chirpy mask no matter how bad things are.

So I asked her this morning who she talks to about this stuff. I was interested because I know its not me, and she has always had trouble with close friends. But you have to talk to someone.

So now I get to my point - you were one of the people she said that she talked to, and I just wanted to say that I am really glad that you can be that person for her.

thanks and hope you are well

ps. I am really looking forward to our holiday Ė disproportionately so.
Isaou Letter to a nobody

You don't have the ability to make me feel anything anymore
I'm sorry
But I'm over it.
It's not your job to fuck up my life anymore
I'm sorry
Hope you're over it.
Nothing in my life is yours anymore.
I don't belong to you, I never did.
You have been replaced.
To put it bluntly;;
You have been replaced.
tessa i'm not going to end it
i'm still thinking

i may not even be able to end it

but i am going to talk about it. explain it. i'm not asking him to do anything. i'm not trying to be manipulative.

i know what it is like when someone won't talk to you. i don't want to do that. i want to explain what is going on.

i want to be friends. i just can't work out how.
HAPPY friendship is overrated anyway like love is.
it's better to lie to everyone and hate everyone.
j. we went out to a glorious dinner, we ate shrimp in a mint butter sauce, we ate steamed mussels with garlic, grilled vegetables (portabella mushrooms, red bell peppers, corn), pita bread, imported shipyard beer. delicious.

we were with another couple - e met them at the_raven club and was attracted to her, well i met her and i was attracted to her as well. and we took off to old ironsides and had some drinks there, and she & i danced, and i bought a disc, and we went back to their house.

apparently the plan was to pass out & eat breakfast together in the morning. well she & e started talking, and they were still talking, and i didnt want to just go out there & interrupt, so i found myself drunkenly pacing the house, overhearing bits of the conversation & just wanting e to come inside & be with me, and i started to get insecure. and her husband runs into me, apparently he didnt want to interrupt them either. and he starts saying things like, they're obviously attracted to each other.... she & i have an agreement,... and i am by now crying, because i'm drunk and i love e and i love her and why is he saying these things, and i just keep saying, yeah yeah, i just want to go home.

i had been planning on sneaking out & walking the whole way before the husband caught me. and hes like, do you want me to call a cab for you? and i said yeah. and he did and as soon as it pulled up i rushed out, he was offering to pay but i just jumped in, and the cab took me home, and i pissed and took off my clothes and threw my jewelry on the floor and got into bed.

well maybe 15 minutes later i hear e's motorcycle pulling up, and i hear the door open, and he comes in my room, "what happened, what happened?" and i'm still crying and kind of lacking a logical explanation, except that my usually easily-surpressable jealous thoughts were totally exacerbated by the husband character, and i was just upset. and i still dont really know what happened.

i dig her so much, and she called me the next day (yesterday) telling me she was concerned, and it was a bad ending to a fantastic evening, and was sorry, and i called her back to thank her and left this long ambling message, didn't say what i really wanted to say which was that i was left out, jealous, drunk ,hurt , stupid, and now i feel like a little drama queen, but thats not what i meant to happen, and i wanted to plead with her, please dont be mad, your smell haunts me, its intoxicating, i just want to be with you & lay down and smoke cigarettes and bury my nose in your hair and look at your back and... uh... get carried away. i dont even remember exactly what i said.

but now i'm so full of embarrassment and i'm not really sure how to redeem myself on this one. how do i redeem myself with her without talking to him, or do i talk to him & pretend to like him? or do i just apologize & hope for the best? is there redemption possible? did i just blow it for all of us...?
jane "
last night i composed this 4 page missive that was apparently overexuberant. so instead of sending you that letter (after reading your letter) i have decided to write a different one. it's so hard not being able to communicate with you, not like we used to. yes i am in a very confusing place. i live in a house with your stuff i take care of YOUR dog (right?) and your bills and your truck all because it's not much, not the way i care about you. and then there are times when i feel like an absolue fool for feeling the way i do, GOD do i feel like a fucking idiot. "confusing" doesn't even come close to the place i am. more like ultimate mind fuck. i am supposed to do all these things without question and have no expectations for when you come back. but at the same time the only places i can go to for support - they are spoon feeding me all this fantasy lovey dovey nonsense, and after reading what you wrote to me my stomach has that awful gaping feeling - you know the one - so yes i am coming out and yes i love you unconditionally and yes i'm broke and hungry and trying hard not to be charles_bukowski and trying hard not to have any expectations but all i have right now is my racing brain & my racing heart. so if you tell me to give up right now i must, and if you tell me to hold on i will. but for now i am struggling in absolute purgatory.
anouk You're high and buzzing, filled with excitement and optimism. I can hear it in the mistakes in your email.

Of course my reaction, as usual, is 'the higher you fly the further you have to fall'.

I wish there was some way I could help you, support you, keep at least one of your eyes on the ground. But there is little I can do from here.

And I know you need those vast heights just to keep yourself up at all. You need to believe you are propelled by jet powered engines of beauty and truth, not by the desperate flapping of velcro wings.

Be careful up there, giddy girl. The plummet may hurt more than just yourself.
unhinged for_frank
in a silent way sometimes i miss you. sometimes i don't. sometimes i regret letting you in. sometimes i don't. sometimes i wish you well. sometimes i don't. most of the time, i just don't care. you're not my friend. you probably never were. we were just mutual distractions for each other in less desperate times. i saw what i wanted to see in you, while you were busy staring at the world inside your own eyelids. years pass, and we're strangers again. you wouldn't recognize me if you saw me on the street. just walk_away. keep walking wherever it is you're going, don't turn around, and don't walk back this way. stay the hell away from me. 130131
Doar hell is a vast space,
i told her everything that was/is in me,
a letter
a sojourn
a collapse.

thieums Hacyn simian octopus snake wander round circles ennui same so love penetrate round camera also clouds that let themselves go then smile on a rainy day gutter time and music for a lonely duck know how crazy death as fish gone but like do you care? 130308
what's it to you?
who go