jane's_rant jane please excuse this writing, it's been quite the emotional day and this will probably be categorized as blather_pollution, but i got expelled today i tried to call you but you weren't home, of course not, i needed you the most. but you would probably just make fun of me anyway. i decided i like someone else more than you anyway sater was cool about it, then we started talking about sarah and i asked him why it was okay for him to want to mess around with my friends but i can't even entertain the thought of messing around with his friends. he said something like, how about i just do what i want and you don't get to. and then hung up. he's the worst ex boyfriend i've ever had. i know he is still in love with me but i get the feeling sometimes that he resents my lack of feelings for him and just wants to hurt me badly. and i'm tired of thinking about all of this. i'm going to go smoke weed and then a cigarette and go to sleep. sean will call me when he gets off of work before the sun comes up and i'll go over there and hopefully be comforted. it's times like these it's nice to have big arms to sleep in 030404 ... niska why are you even talking to this ex then? he sounds like a dick. not that my opinion matters here - i'm just sayin'... 030405 ... . If you realized that your opinion doesn't matter, then why didn't you shut up? 030405 ... "." [editor's note: the previous blathe is the unsubtle sound of rake tines on excrement] 030405 ... minnesota_chris Jane, your writing is fine... want to talk about it? 030405 ... Dafremen You know I hurt for you, don't you jane? Loneliness hurts. 030405 ... the spork Just for the sake of a quick clarification, my dig about something sounding like a shit-rake was not directed at jane but at the usual punctuation-signing, cheap-shot artist who waits around for certain people to blathe just to say something shitty I have no criticisms up my sleeve for jane. 030405 ... jane thanks for the support, all niska, to answer your question, i am talking to my ex boyfriend because we try to be friends as much as possible but sometimes his lingering feelings for me interrupt his ability to listen to me. hmm..he cares for me so much he forgets to care. know what i mean? daffy-it's not as much lonliness as lack of support from the place(s) i most expected it. my best friend of four years didn't call me at all, didn't even text message me or talk to me through other people. it was an incredible letdown. it's times like this i find out who my real friends are, right? it's just a bit of a disappointment to understand what's really going on. um..life goes on, right? spork: thanks for your clarification and anti-criticism i will keep ranting when necessary, and hopefully i will get to go back to school 030405 ... niska oh yes, jane. i know exactly what you mean... i wasn't criticizing your writing. i think you described my last boyfriend to a T. though i don't speak to him anymore, so i'm not sure if he's still all hung up. it was probably kinder of me NOT to be his friend, in the end... 030415 ... jane i know what you mean...we've talked about it frequently...i guess he's decided that he would rather be a part of my life than to not be a part of my life. that's his decision to make, especially since he knows how i feel. the only thing i see a problem with is that i don't really have any leeway in terms of the relationship 030416 ... jane he used to worry about me when i had a loose tooth, biting into an apple to make it come out faster. his friends were at their ostentatious houses in san_francisco, four blocks away from a beautiful beach and tying their kid's tooth to a doorknob. i never wanted that to happen to me, and it never did. i never even bit into an apple. worst case scenario i pulled it out myself...for the blood. i was a morbid child, or at least i like to think that i was. i know that my teacher gave me a book about vampires and werewolves to read because he knew i was interested in creatures of the night. i used to stay up late sitting in the high window of our own pretentious house looking at the stars, waiting for my prince whose name was tyler norton to come and climb up and take me away. i suppose i wasn't as morbid as i was moony, silly and sentimental. anyway, all that sitting gave way to 4:44 in the morning, and i would go downstairs and watch science fiction shows on tv until it was time to go to school. and in plays i always wanted to be rapunzel, why not? i had long golden hair, brushing my waist. they always gave me the role of the witch, because witches aren't flighty, and certain people named andrea could only play flighty rapunzels. after a while i stopped minding the role of the intelligent criminal, but i minded the constant defeat. because bad guys never win. 030428 ... stork daddy good one...so true... 030428 ... stork daddy the real winners are the side roles. 030428 ... jane not in second grade, they ain't 030429 ... trixie don't feel bad jane... I'm an "actor" who only got a lead role when I was the oldest person in the show. There are only small actors (me) who get the small parts (also me.) 030429 ... jane you pierce into my heart, pointing the way with a double-edged sword. every word you write melts me to soft wax upon your fingertips, and i wonder if this is what a candle feels like: helpless, knowing one day i will become a stump, but realizing the worth of this feeling, this burning, this heat. we must pay a price for passion. my price is this dripping. i'm running out and soon you'll have no fuel left with me and you'll pass your flame onto someone else. i don't want to play your games but i love them, because who wouldn't love words being twisted around them so beautifully, who doesn't love that constricting feeling. you're suffocating, but it's safe here. you know you would suffocate in the clouds, but you're in the goddamn clouds. 030523 ... niska you know. you always know... 030523 ... trixie awesome, very nice 030523 ... werewolf if the darkness and our closeness is a spell, don't break it by appealing to the outside of the universe, a more comprehensive context, waking life, what is real. do not look with eyes wide green and snow blind from the direct light of the sun or touch or any more exacting love. love like that is so exact in meaning it cannot change but to decay. it is not discovery, but loss. there is only one thing it can be. instead let your eyes adjust to the subtle incongruities and suggestiveness of words. allow yourself respite from the world that would rob of them their power. let your eyes dim untill they see the movements between us slipping between the expected and solid exactness of a word like skin and the shifting centers of words like shame and desire. if your eyes are adjusted to the shadows which allow such transformations, you will be allowed the wonder, the blinding brightness born when skin is moored to shame with only the mention of the word lightning. but too awash in information, one loses the fragile and organized, a perfect raindrop swallowed in an ocean, a "bolt of lightning is lost in the sun". only the stable survives, and i have given you nothing like that, but you desire a world where discoveries can be made and left behind, where you are an adventurer, huntress and hunted, where there for once faith is not required of you but is instead ravaged into you and from you; a world where for once there is no illusion of permanence, where words that do survive do so because they have followed you out into the world where you sought to escape from them. because as you groped for them in the darkness, you made yourself all too clear. amidst all of the screaming and leaving, i offer you a whisper. there is a balanced world where it is shattering, loudest and clamored to behind hands and eyelids and closed doors. how can i ever offer you more than what is behind these? more than words? show me, show me how to tell you as exactly and inexactly with a touch. press your words against mine, words like lips and skin. but if our darkness and this closeness is a spell, do not break it. because if it is in fact my own i am lost in it, victim and victimizer. 030524 ... jane such windows open while i am on a weekend vacation and i get back as they are closing. driving around town i stick my hand out the window and the air feels like water i could drown in. i am still afraid of drowning in water but it is such a romantic idea to me now. plenty of things drown me everyday...smoke enters my lungs like water would even though i cut down immensely. i like to feel the smoke hit my throat and spread itself out. but the idea of smoking is much more romantic than the actual smoking itself. same thing with me, apparently. one gets this picture of me through a window and as soon as i open the window reality blows in and you are blown away by reality. and it is overwhelming to you, yes i smoke, yes i drink beer, yes i write and draw and paint and cry and talk as honestly as i can about my life. yes i feel insignificant but i am vain sometimes. yes i am confused but who isn't anymore? isn't that why we're all here? isn't that why people find each other? i have not become dependent. i pride myself in that. don't let reality blow you away. i still like the rolling stones and i will still like them after you leave. i never lied because when i did it before it came back to get me like glass from a broken window. i have a lot to offer, this i know. some people just aren't willing to take 030527 ... werewolf taking is giving...and i've got nothing left 030528 ... jane taking may be giving but acceptance is all one could ask for 030528 ... x am i the star beneath the stairs? am I your anything? 030528 ... jane xyesx 030528 ... that bird over there and double yes 030529 ... x then why am i alone? 030529 ... jane you'renotalone youjustfeelalone 030530 ... jane i know now that you were never for me, you were never the yin to my yang, you were just the vanishing_point i thought you were, in that i thought you went on forever, but eventually you stopped. like everything else. i imagined keeping in touch, the letters you would write to me, the way that stupid cheap ring would feel on my finger. i'm not talking about a wedding ring, i'm just talking about a simple gift, one i gave you because you said it was something you would have liked to have given someone. i was giving you the oppurtunity to have that...to give it back to me. but you kept it. like you fuckin kept everything else, when you ran off to your relationship and ran away from everything you told me was real. shame on you for blanketing my eyes in whatever you blanket things with (cheesecloth?) and making me believe something was going to last, if not a romance, certainly a friendship. i never really asked you to be there for me but i hope you know i am infinitely there for you... always 030811 ... omicron yawn, yawn yawn yawn yawn. Shit old jane 030811 ... jane fuck off. you don't have to be here. 030812 ... User24 jesus, omicron, I've seen some pretty bitchy people here on blathe, but that remark is probally the nastiest thing I've seen. fuck you, you fucking fuck! 030812 ... oldephebe keep ranting jane your words are beautiful and you are making us think about the Real - the authentic - I wish I had come across this blathepage earlier You've cast your line and caught (or illicited) some seriously deep responses kinda reminds me of some Platonic verses starkly juxtaposed against the withering pragmatism of Aristotle Plato would ask us to let go of the eyes and other senses and rise to the contemplation of "pure being" or "being itself" And Aristotle would argue for the primacy of direct experience and common sense. On this page I think we meet somewhere in the middle (what the hell did I want to ay at the start of this? here I am again compulsively babbling about what other people wrote) Any way jane rant on. I'm enjoying the discussion later 030812 ... jane thanks i've been having a hard time lately and mr(s). fifteenth letter of the greek alphabet seemed to know what time to hit. i don't care if he or she likes my writing, especially here...but why the fuck would you say it? i'm not here for his/her entertainment.. not to mention he/she didn't have the balls to write under his or her normal name...fuck that 030812 ... jane guess it stopped me from ranting for a few years 070627 ... They call me Truth i love this page. I seem to complain so much about the human experience yet when i feel the hearts of other people, i am grateful that life exists in such away, and in some ways it connects us all so commonly. Thank you jane. Do your thing. 070628 ... They call me Truth i meant such a way, not such away. i think that is the first time that particular mistake has happened to me. 070628 ... Lemon_Soda likes your writing. 070628 ... jane is it ridiculous of me to resent her so long after high school ended? this is why i call it spyspace - "hey guys, check out my new pics from guatemala!!" so i go check em out, and its like her looking cute and fantastic next to starving guatemalan children. strike a chord of dissonance with anybody else? jealousy isn't the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind. 070702 ... Lemon_Soda Taste's bitter ...who told you she was better than you? 070702 ... mr song nice1 070703 ... jane i'm not even sure how to write about this without sounding childish. a large part of me tells me to just move the fuck on, but this very small part of me is just so fucking hurt with what you did to me. i can deal with you not wanting to talk to me, not wanting to be part of my life. but then you still want to talk to e, and when you come over to pick up your stuff you have the nerve to ask me for money. it's not yours anymore. it's a goddman double edged sword, if i give you the money i'll regret it because it's a powerless retarded thing to do. and if i refuse to give it back, well then i lied about it, and i don't want to be the dishonest one, and then i look like the asshole. there's no correct way to go about this, it's so incredibly messy. i wish you would just leave us alone, i wish you understood that once you choose to stop talking to someone you can't just go over to their house to hang out with their boyfriend when they're not home. i thought it would be common sense but i guess not to someone who is so betraying. i don't even know what to say to you. i am glad you are moving out of state but i know you will continue to contact him which is just so fucked up beyond belief. i hope you change while you're gone, because right now i just think you are a horrible hurtful person with absolutely no conscience or consideration for any other human being except for your fake self. 080219 what's it to you? who go blather from