figuratively_kicking_your_shin birdmad if you're so honest, which i very highly doubt, quite frankly... satisfy my curiosity and answer a couple of questions for me. I might actually settle down and behave myself if i'm satisfied with your answer and if worse comes to worst at least you'll never have to worry about me taking a swing at you because even my worst bouts of petulant manbitch-ness don't include punching women, unlike some people. these things get back to me whether i want to hear them or not, and since you've been playing this same sort of game with others, any criticism of my obsessiveness on the subject is rank fucking hypocrisy (When Todd told me about some remarks you made somewhere, i knew without him having to say it that you were talking about me) If i represented something that was so unrealistic and such an "abandonment of reason" to you, then why in the fuck did you keep baiting me? Why did you bother keeping me on the hook? and don't tell me that you "refuse to do this here" because if you couldn't keep from shitting on my feelings with certain things you've said here over time, then nothing should preclude you from coughing up an answer Oh, and if any little anonymous cockroach wants to tell me to take this to e-mail: please feel free to A) take a flying fuck at a rolling donut and B) eat my corn-infested waste 050727 ... akuma aoi see also: ___get_a_stupid_answer 050727 ... daxle I do still refuse to do this here. email or nothing. 050812 ... birdmad and when i tried e-mail a few months ago, you refused to do it there either "...so why bother?" remember? You were the one who decided that it was worthwhile to leave certain things out in the open around here regardless of how much it ran contrary to some of the bullshit you had been feeding me, so if you don't like my challenging you out here in the open for an answer well that's just too fucking bad. If i get tired and aggravated enough maybe i will settle for trying the e-mail route again, but until then, i repeat: answermegoddamnyou 050815 ... bird Oh that's right, i keep forgetting: repeatedly reminding me HERE ON BLATHER, both directly and indirectly, that i was just about the only person you were capable of refusing/rejecting is acceptable, but answering me here isn't???? getting to know how this one or that one smelled either when they were "all sweaty and naked next to you in bed" or after "theyhadbeeninsideyou", where this one that one or the other one didn;t like his pants or that you were apparently getting all weepy over somebody's spooge residue, what you do when one or the other is on top of you, or your rather "futile" attempt to convince me that i was wrong to feel less regarded than someone else even as you were telling that one that you loved them "more than anything" And no, you can't complain about my having read those things because to do so instantly negates your own criticisisms of my reactions to them. and one more question: you used the fact that the rest of them were there and i wasn't as one of your justifications for the way things turned out, but when i was in the process of trying to get myself over there (both to be near you and because of a couple of job prospects that popped up at that time) you managed to shit on me over that too, remember??? so are you always trying to have things both ways, regardless of how obvious the contradictions might be??? i'll confess to stupidity for my persistence in wanting to believe the lies you told me, and i can't claim to be innocent of anything, but then again, i don't go around telling people how fucking fabulous i think i am, and quite frankly, the measure of guilt you bear in this madness of mine puts the lie to all of the self-congratulatory bullshit you tell others about yourself 050818 ... birdmad "e-mail or nothing?" funny... i reiterated the questions i asked here in an e-mail and so far it's been e-mail AND nothing you aren't nearly as honest as you claim to be what i thought i knew of you during that time of mine you were busy wasting was a goddamned facade i say it not simply as the contrast of "now versus then" but with the full clarity of hindsight i once argued that you never really gave me any chance and you countered by saying "i gave you all i had" bullshit that was all of your others, ...unless all you had were manipulations, contradictions and hollow lip-service you are "honest and caring" like George Bush is "well-spoken and competent" 050914 ... . this_hurts 050915 ... daxle I haven't gotten any email from you. We met in person once 4 years ago, and you feel I've betrayed you by dating other people. Can you see at all how completely off your rocker you are? 050915 ... birdmad no, einstein... the "other people" thing wasn't the heart of the issue and you know it. it was your constantly inducing me to want you, baiting me and leading me on to pursue you and then turning around and then A) switching gears, repeatedly alternating between playing up to me and then chasing me away in order to make me more neurotic and B)constantly rubbing my nose in the fact that while i was playing your game and dutifully taking the bait, you gave other people infinitely less static in the course of the same pursuit so, yeah, i may be behaving obsessively, but don't try to act as if your constant pushing of my buttons had nothing to do with it i'm saying that you never actually cared or had any real, significant interest in me and that you were just mind-fucking me for your own amusement to kill time between your actual relationships 050915 ... birdmad whereas i, on the other hand, was dumb enough to be in love with you. did i handle certain things really, incredibly badly? yes. but the difference is that i'll admit it. i am not innocent you are not innocent 050915 ... daxle "inducing me to want you" Uh? "in order to make me more neurotic" you do that just fine on your own I was never dishonest with you. I was never deceptive. I did care about you. You've completely killed that now. It was impossible to try to pursue something with you because you live nowhere near me. I pursued relationships closer to me. Being that I never tried to hide that from you, and did not promise that I would wait for years in celibacy for you to make it out here, I see nothing wrong with that. To be honest, I'm now very glad that you never did. You're determined to be a tragic character, never doing any work to make yourself any happier. I don't honestly even believe that you wanted things to work out. You were just bored with being tragic over samantha so you needed someone new to lament. I'm not going to feel sorry because I've done nothing wrong. 050915 ... birdmad yet again MISSING THE POINT so you can simplify and spin and play innocent i never expected you to exclude anyone else, i just didn't care to know in as much explicit detail as you sometimes provided, and some of the things you were telling others seemed to be in pretty stark contrast to what you were telling me at any given point during that time i've had other long distance flirtations where i didn't get the least bit upset or bothered by the general intrusion of reality and the otherwise gradual dissolution of things but that's likely because the other persons in those instances weren't constantly flipping back and forth between "i want you" and "fuck off" on me and whenever one of them said things to excite or arouse me, they took my response as a positive, not as an excuse to change directions, flip out, and get all irate and tear me a new asshole over it they way you often did by your own admissions now, you are saying you didn't actually want me because of the matter of distance, but yet you insisted time and again that you did and whenever i was more than prepared to give up you'd sucker me in again and start the game anew if that doesn't equal some measure of dishonesty, then what does? i trusted you enough to expose my insecurities, and you made sure to play on them without a second thought or the least bit of concern - so how and why should i believe that you actually cared? In retrospect i can actually almost forgive Samantha (well mostly, but not totally) because she actually showed at least some small measure concern in the end that she had hurt me... as opposed to trying to make it sound like it was exclusively my fault that i didn't enjoy having my heart used for a litterbox 050915 ... a third party sounds like someone got hurt and is using a whole potroast of accusations to ask this small large question: why don't you love me i just want you to love me i just don't want to hurt anymore less_is_more there's nothing wrong with being human and all we ever wanted was to be loved but we let ourselves get in the way and it fell to pieces at our feet and now we stare at eachother horrified pointing mad fingers at who dropped it not seeing that letting go was the solution and not the crime 050915 ... birdmad i most certainly don't want her to love me now that i know better. i just want to know why she kept jerking my chain well after she had made up her mind that i was not within the realm of possibility 050915 ... stork daddy meanstreak imo 050915 ... daxle I never said that I wanted anything that I didn't. I never said that I felt anything that I didn't. I apologized time and time again that you were hurt, even though I never intentionally, or through neglect, did anything to hurt you. I can't see any way in which I jerked you around or flip flopped. 050915 ... the third party again I think you know quite well that there is no satisfactory answer to "Why did you keep jerking me around?" because you can't answer something that isn't a question. I don't think you are being genuine. I think if you role-played, it would start out as a stream of questions and accusations and then would finally sputter into your actual vulnerabilities and fears and longings and hurts. I know this isn't my position to say anything, but hey, the Internet is everyone's business. 050929 ... 3rd p. uh...that was to b.m 050929 ... the bird replies to the 3rd party syntactically speaking, it IS a question, albeit oversimplified for the reason that she has stated both here and elsewhere that she doesn't care to read into certain things beyond a given volume and my question, in it's truest form is, by itself quite lengthy Also, it's not that it isn't a question, it is that the question cannot be answered in a way that allows the person being asked to easily let themselves off the hook. and i have no objection to your interjection, as i have no delusion that something i have written on the internet *in*an*open*forum*for*any*and*all*to*see* should be immune to reactions from persons both directly connected to it and from passers-by who feel inclined to comment It's part of why i blathed this here...If i had built someone up here to believe that i harbored some deep affection and attraction and desire for them, it would be pretty deluded of me to assume that i wouldn't be twisting the proverbial knife if i then turned around and openly blathed, and diary-posted a mixture of innuendo and sordid_details beyond what they admitted to being comfortable with hearing from me at various intervals, especially if i was also reading what the things they wrote and reacting to it according to what i read or inferred from it. words are as potent an ammunition as any other, and when capable, the wounded have been known to return fire Quite frankly though, i no longer consider myself as aggrieved as i was by all of this almost a year ago, so maybe that's why my tone strikes you as disingenuous now. I'm mostly past being hurt and sad angry and can limit my outbursts to nasty, catty sarcasm if anything else, i asked the question more from a forensic persepctive, to see what lesson i could derive from the experience I've proven a hypothesis i have about myself and certain things i have no business doing, but other than that, i have to concede that she may have been correct in one of her assessments of me as "not very bright" 'cause i can't figure out how not to fail in that arena 050930 ... daxle "beyond what they admitted to being comfortable with hearing from me at various intervals," What exactly do you mean by that? And I'm glad you at least used the word "inferred" even though in reality it was jumping to unfounded conclusions. And believe it or not, the things I right about the relationships I am involved in are neither written for your pleasure or displeasure. I'm well aware that it's difficult for you to see beyond your messanaic complex to realize that not everything is about you, but you might want to give it a try for both of our sanity. 050930 ... birdmad You, sane? no moreso than me, though you try to convince yourself... and certainly no better and I find it incredibly funny that you like to rattle on and on at people about "taking responibility" and yet more often than not you react to criticism as if the stones you've thrown never hit anyone or anything "i did nothing wrong..." "i never..." bla-bla-bla, bla-bla-bla for fuck's sake... at least, even if i'm dense enough to not be able to figure out where precisely i've gone wrong, i am cognizant of the idea that i may well be at fault to some degree or other whenever something goes awry and you are one to talk about wild conclusions and assuming that everything must be about you or for your consideration, as there were times when i wrote things about being generally annoyed or angry with people and situations that had ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY nothing at all to do with you whatsoever but you assumed they were and you still felt provoked anough to drag me over the coals for it "Messianic" please... I'm not the preachy one here, proclaiming the gospel according to antidepressants and as to that statement you don't quite understand, let me distill it to the purest point i can: you can't demand a level of consideration from me which you were never willing to afford in return If i was supposed to buy what you were selling back then, than what you had to say may not have been *about me* per se, but it did involve me to the extent that you were the one who interjected yourself into my life and you were the one who insisted that i should believe what you were telling me, even while you were contradicting it out of the other side of your face it's not a very sane assumption to go about with the idea that while you are free to say what you will, no one else is free to react to it even if it impacts them to some degree so don't you dare try to lecture me about reality, responsibility or sanity, because your grasp of them is no less tenuous than you claim mine to be 051003 ... peyton this is scary and frighteningly similar 051003 ... daxle With no evidence and no real defense you prattle on and on, which is why I quit doing this. There is no answer that will satisfy you because what you want is to be perpetually unsatisfied- so go, relish in it, and leave me the fuck alone. You've proven exactly why I didn't bother responding to you for so long. Why don't you just go and and be miserable like you want to be? Do you really need my participation to keep burning about your invented reality? I don't care if you do, I am done. 051003 ... grendel so i invented all of your insistences about how much you cared? i invented the pictures you sent me or linked me to (and this is even discounting the ones in that little wake-up call that Todd sent me) i invented the things we used to tell each other? Go fuck yourself. If there was ever any "invented reality" it was when i was laboring under the delusion that you gave a shit. i was never anything but "filler material" to you... a means to kill time between those people you actually did care about, and as seems to happen quite often with you, now that i've seen through it and called you out over it, you'll say all manner of shit to paint me (or whomever else, past and present) as the crazy one You like to accuse other people of being overdramatic, and yet, by no lack of coincidence, that drama is usually triggered by or centers around YOU and how many times with however many different people does that have to happen before you admit to at least part of it I mean, hey...if you're gonna repeatedly mindfuck people, you could at least be honest enough to admit when the end result looks alot like you 051004 ... Sonya I thought I could just read, but I can't. This is painfully familiar...and all too often birdmad takes the words from my fingertips. There no feeling comparable to that feeling when you realize that you might have just been filler material to another person. Damn it all. 051004 ... peyton There is no feeling comparable. Particularly when it's untrue and completely self generated. 051004 ... daxle exactly, peyton 051004 ... pete two things. (1) learn dynamics when you handdrum for fuck's sake. and (2) don't handdrum at midnight, someof us like to sleep for fuck's sake. but thank you for straining the broth, in my falling asleep at 6.30 i forgot all about it... 051004 ... grendel I'm not gonna profess to know jack-shit about peyton and sonya's quarrel What i do know is this: I spent just over three years letting you push my buttons. My first fault in that matter was in not turning my back on you when the inclination first crossed my mind, but back then, at that point in where i was, i needed to believe *something* And i'll confess that each time i ignored my own better judgement and tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, by default, I lost more and more ground from which to protest, but if you really were any of the positive things you so like to congratulate yourself for being, i wouldn't have had any reason to protest in the first place you say now that i was never anything to you, but when i said i felt like i was nothing to you, you argued otherwise You say now that i "invented" everything, but when i said it all felt like it wasn't real, you argued the other way so which the fuck is it? you lousy goddamned fake. ... 051005 ... daxle I've never said once that you were nothing to me, you crazy fuck! I was completely honest about the state of things from start to finish. I never tried to hide anyone I was dating. I never said that I would hold out until you could possibly find a job out here. That would be crazy. As much as I cared for you, you don't know someone until you know them in person, and you've done very little to demonstrate that you would be a healthy person to have a relationship with. The further away I get, and the more you go ape shit, the more obvious that is. I couldn't be any more glad that I didn't hold out for you. You have no clue how to be at peace and I'd probably still be miserable if I were with you. I never deceived you. When I ask you to name one fucking thing I ever lied about, you claim that I said I cared about you when I didn't. Bullshit. I said I cared when I did. There were no lies. Only your repetetive bullshit. We met ONCE in person over FOUR years ago. Don't you think it's time to get the fuck over it? 051005 ... birdmad Let me start by saying I never said i'm NOT a crazy fuck. I'm not the one in a constant deluded state of denial about how screwed up i am... i'm the first to admit it, though in your typical contradictory manner, when i do, you gripe about my tendency to be self_deprecating (so then i should take this to mean that negative aspersions against my character are only valid when they come from you, right?) you were NEVER consistent about where i stood as it related to you and what chance i may have had to be anything of any significance. and let me repeat something since it didn't sink through last time: I NEVER asked you to "HOLD OUT" for me... my experiences in this life are varied enough that i specifically told you i'd never ask that of you, I just didn't want to know past a certain point - any gooey details about your other realtionships but the funny thing is that you felt you could put everything I wrote about what i was thinking or feeling under your scrutiny and try to act like i had no right to do the same...that you could say whatever you wanted even if it tweaked my jealousy, but if i admitted to being even just a little jealous or slighted , you were quick to get hostile and brand me as the asshole and then wonder why i was getting REALLY upset as if i could have any other reaction to getting my ass chewed out over a comment i made in my diary I asked offhandedly who someone was during one of our conversations, and you took it as an interrogation and went ballistic, i reacted with a somewhat rude wisecrack and YOU jacked up the drama factor about a good tenfold and then when i got pissed about how fucking overdramatic you were being, you got even more pissy and spent the next five days berating me in my e-mail until i got tired of it and apologized for it just so we could be done with the matter Whenever you WEREN'T involved with someone, you played up to me as if you really wanted me around and then whenever someone did come along, i'd get relegated to being an afterthought ...up until not quite a year ago it was that pattern that led me to believe that i was nothing but a recurring distraction - filler material... a cat toy. - to you so, with that said, you'll just have to pardon me that i never enjoyed the game of "red light/green light" i didn't like it on the playground as a kid and i liked it even less when it was my heart and mind but realx, it's almost out of my system i figured that after three-plus years of being your yo-yo, i would spend a period of time equal to one third of that letting you be (figuratively, at least - since i don't get all gacked up and punch women in the head) my pinata the_ubiquitous_mister_lovegrove 051006 ... dipperwell There should be a statistic out there for how many things words we use that are essentially futile and fruitless. I mean, this vicious circle has little bared yellow teeth and a nasty grin. One person accuses the other, and the other gets mad at being accused so along with the self-defense plants a few barbs, which only provokes the first opponent more, and this becomes a neverending story but when the unique material runs out then both parties begin repeating, but more and more antagonistically, hunting down more fresh meat as they go. I mean, honestly. How broken can you be? judges lest she be judged 051006 ... unhinged 'why dont you come over for a drink? heres a gift. i dont see a deeper future in this relationship. you are obviously more emotionally invested in this than me. im sure you could feel this coming.' when i got up and left, not a word. about ten minutes later the text 'but i wanted to hang out with you' 140114 what's it to you? who go blather from