dead_baby_jokes
ClairE What do you get when you stick a knife in a dead_baby?

An erection.
011127
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foetusaurus rex how do you make a dead_baby float?

A) take your foot of its head

OR

B) scoop of ice_cream, scoop of dead_baby, some root_beer
011127
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Persona So anyway, it was the first of april. A man, hard at work in the office gets a phone call from the hospital. His wife has gone into labor. He rushes to the hospital, and, standing in the nursery window he spots his child.
"Yes, that's him", he says while pointing to the incubator bearing his last name.
"This one?" Asks the nurse
"Yes, that one!"
So the nurse gently picks the newborn up and promptly trips, dropping the child on the floor. The man screams in terror.
"Oh my god! What are you doing?"
"No no, it's okay," Replies the nurse.
Once again she picks up the child but then she starts punching it in the face! She swings the baby in a wide circle by one leg, then dropkicks it into the wall
"You're killing my baby!" the horrified man screams. The nurse chuckles,
"April Fools! it was born dead!"

heh heh
011127
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silentbob what is easier to unload? a truck full of bowling balls or a truck full of dead babies?


Dead babies. You can use a pitch fork on them.
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ClairE I heart persona's! 011128
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mmm this is not mine, my friend mike says it all the time.

whats the difference between a fridge and a gay man?
a fridge can hold 10 dead babies.
011128
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nemo umm this isnt a dead baby joke, but i feel the sudden urge to type it... kinda fits in this category

whats the best part about fucking a 4 year old?

hearing her pelvis crack
011128
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mmm another one from my friend mike:

whats the difference between a dead baby and bolagnia?

nothing.
011129
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boo how many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?




depends how hard you through them
011129
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ilovepatsajak how are babies like hinges?

they both whine when you open them hahaha
020105
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kerry whats red, sitting in a corner, and wrapped up in a blanket?

a dead baby.

what's green, sitting in a corner, and wrapped up in a blanket?

the same dead baby, a week later.
020106
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*** What's more disgusting than a truck load of Dead babies?
One Live one on the bottom, eating it's way out.
020107
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silentbob how do you make a dead baby float 030306
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silentbob quit throwing rocks at it 030306
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celestias shadow How do you get a bunch of dead babies out of the back of a pickup truck?

Tostitos.
030629
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/anon whats the diffence between a corvete and a pile of dead babies

i dont have a corvete in my garage
030630
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megan there was a woman in labor for 8 hours on april fool's.
the baby finally came and the doctors took it away quickly.
upon reentering, the doctor was banging the baby off walls and floors and throwing it around.
woman : "what the hell are you doing!!??"
doctor: "april fools'. it was already dead."
030630
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megan sorry didnt see the one kinda like it up there 030630
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karl the weed YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jk, but these jokes are slightly disturbing
030630
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sirflaccid What is red and silver and runs into walls?



A baby with forks in its eyes.

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What is red and blistered and scratches at the window?



A baby in a microwave.
030630
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Freak How do you get a dead baby to cross the street?



Staple it to a chicken
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Whats red, slimy, and crawling up a womans leg?


A homesick abortion.
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How many babies does it take to tile a roof?


20 if you slice them thin enough.
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Why should you put a baby in the blender feet first?


So you can watch it's expression change.
030728
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spoons oh my god...
this entire blathe is horrible. you people are so indescribably sick.
I cant believe any of you are amused by this...
030728
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carlita i have to say i laughed at *almost* all of these, but felt incredibly guilty for doing so... i would hope that these are nothing but jokes to everyone... they're only really funny because we know it's not real.


i hope so, anyway.
030728
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screwing fro virginity whats worse than 10 dead babies in a gabage can?

one dead baby in 10 garbage cans
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sirflaccid I must say Freak you are pretty sick.


It's turning me on!
030728
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paranoid martyr bwahahaha

cool!
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blah-ze whats better 'n' chuckin' a baby off of a roof

catchin' it wit' a pitchfork
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misstree what do you get a dead baby for christmas?

a dead puppy
030729
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screwing for virginity it is sad (as in pathetic, not depressing) how manny of thses jokes are out there 030729
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blah-ze whats red and white and screams?

a peeled baby in a bag of salt.
030730
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blah-ze what has 4 legs and 1 arm?

a doberman in a nursery
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fall of a sparrow Why was the baby crying?
.
.
Because it had NO SKIN!


I'll be here all the week.
030731
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unhinged damnit...my favorite one is already up here. i did laugh so hard i cried when my brother told it to me though. and then i sat there mildly disturbed that i found it that amusing. 030801
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crimson When learning about the usage of commas, a teacher of mine wrote on the board:
As the father began to hammer the baby awoke and cired.
She then asked where we thought the comma belonged. I was the only one who laughed.
030915
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poiuytrewq not exactly a dead baby joke, but along he same lines.

this guy kidnappes this litle girl and has her by the hand and is taking her into the woods. it is dark, the wolves are howlling, the owls are hooting, and the crickets are churping. the little girl looks up to the guy and sais "mr. mr. im scaired." the guy looks down and sais "ya, but how do you think i feel, i have to walk out of these woods all by myself."
030916
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Lindsay and Crystal wow this shits crazy. i have to admti i cracked up on some so hard i couldnt breath. but some are pretty fuckin gross and disturbing. esp the one from freak(the blender one) dude your sick. but we give the april fools one props lol. peace* 030925
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Freak poiuytrewq,

that belongs on the truely_tasteless_jokes page!
030925
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cat come on, man, its all just fun and games. this stuff is hilarious.okay so
What's grosser that gross? Ten dead babies in a trash can. What's grosser than that? The one on the bottom was still alive. What's grosser than that? It had to eat its way out. Whats grosser than that? It came back for more.
Also, what's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it at 100 mph? Stopping it with a shovel.
031113
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smurfus rex What do you call an abortion in Prague?



A cancelled Czech.
031113
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Heffable Horralump Question: What is the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

Answer: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.
031215
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Little Lost Riding Hood You lot are fucking sick.

You obviously have never had first experience of a dead baby - if you had you would not be spouting this twisted bullshit.
031215
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misstree jokes are a way of taking something frightening and rendering it harmless. if we can laugh at something, we have power over it. thus the plethora of jokes about dead babies and sex and whatever ethnic group happened to be on the outs at the moment through the years.

besides which, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that shouldn't be joked about--one of the worst diseases of the day is taking things too seriously.
031215
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LLRH I disagree - yes i may be hippocritical in sayin this but here goes:

I see your point, yes we should be able to make light of most situations, yes i do laugh at jokes about most things - even if they are cruel, distasteful or not PC....

No I do not think jokes about dead babies are funny. Jokes about racism, war, necrophilia, old people, women etc can be funny because the butt of the joke is an adult and we therefore feel safe mocking them even if done behind backs or discreetly...

I am extremely liberal, open-minded and I have a sense of humour - but I draw the line here.

A dead baby is a fucking tragedy - the baby who cannot joke back, have a sense of humour, a liberal attitude or an opinion on PC jokes.

Call me boring, staid or a killjoy.

I aint budging here...sick, un-funny and dissapointing.
031216
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p2 my first experience with dead_baby_jokes
was in high school
in my comedic literature class
my teacher had just told the series about the truck load of dead babies
and while i was busy trying to figure out what was so funny about it
i looked around at all the open-mouthed faces
and burst out laughing
i got some strange looks that day
but i also got the joke
031216
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misstree fairy_muff... i still disagree, but i've got the dogs heeled, and i'd like to poke inside your brain briefly... but what about little_johnny jokes (elementary school child)... or pedophilia jokes? do those incite the same response in you? and would you clarify the nature of the response; offended? defensive? nauseous? angry?

you already mentioned sick (from the darling of serrated blades? hmm...), un-funny (again, fairy_muff), and disappointing (i could see this if you expect, um, "higher standards" on a page of this title... i'm *not* saying "if it offends you, don't read it"... just asking, what did you expect?)...
031216
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Little Lost Riding Hood Ok my dear I will try and clarify - only if you promise to keep those beasts heeled firmly behind you - for i am rather worn and cannot face the slathering anger right now...

Little Jonny jokes, yes i laugh and then berate myself for doing so - laugh in that kind of shocked way like when you are little and getting told off, or when you laugh at the news of someones death...

But thats different. (I warned you I was hypocritical on this matter!)

What did I expect - well to be honest I thought it may have been a blathe about how someone felt about Dead Baby Jokes, or something along those lines.

I was obviously wrong so I will leave you all to your infant mortality mockery...


My own fault for looking i admit. But I cannot change my views - I accept you all will have yours too - I just wanted to express my distaste on this subject. Now I have I will shut up!


Have fun.
031216
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misstree don't worry dear, the beasts know to heel when i'm honestly exploring... i personally would say that the subject of any joke is unable to respond, unless there in person... who's going to tell a nun joke with sister clara standing behind them? and i agree that a dead baby is a bad thing (my own very personal psychoses prevent me from saying tragedy, but that's a glimpse at one of my many monsters), but so is war, leprosy, disability, and guys screwing alligators. 'course, many such off-color jokes can quickly lose their humor when they hit upon a personal circumstance; blondes either learn to laugh at blond jokes or seethe over them, and so it follows for each.

very much to each their own, dahlink, no anger at all, just curiosity, and a thousand curtsies for being patient with my poking, especially on a subject you have such strong feelings about. and a much more level-headed discussion than blather normally sees, i'm sure it's a bit relieved about that. (though it may twitch when it catches a lick of candle_colors__and_associated_meaning ). thanks for providing a view i wouldn't normally glimpse. :)
031216
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Heffable Horralump "I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout."

-Jonathan Swift,'A Modest Proposal'-
--First published in 1729--
031216
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phil Shut the fuck up!
More dead baby jokes!
031216
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phil Notable exception of Mr. Swift 031216
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phil How do you get a dead baby to climb a tree?
Staple it to a monkey.
031216
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phil What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

1 oz White Creme de Cacao
1 oz Amaretto
1 oz Bailey's Irish Cream
1 splash Grenadine
031216
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Peter Jennings Elvis Aganes, an immigrant from Poland, has been taken back into custody Sunday after new evidence linking him to the abduction of several infants from various daycares and a nursery near his work. He had taken them back to his home where he had a kind of "dead baby" workshop in the back yard of a three story family home.

An officer visiting the home had said that when they arrived late Sunday night he thought Mr. Aganes was playing with the child, he answered the door holding the baby, which had died from a number of lacerations and blunt trauma to a large portion of the head.

The hunch that sent investigators to the home came from Aganes himself, during a session with his doctor. Mr. Aganes stomach was also pumped and the partial remains of a fetus removed.

Unearthing his outdoor pool revealed an estimated 36 disembodied infants buried before it's construction, nearly 5 years earlier. Experts believe this behavior patterns back to before his immigration to the U.S.

The new owners of the home understood it's history, and also got a great rate on their car insurance.
031216
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phil Why is a baby better than a football?

It dies when you kick it.
031216
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LLRH No problem Mistree - feel free to pry any time! I am blonde myself and yes i laugh at the jokes too, but just the dead baby thing I put on a higher level of seriousness than most things.

Ok thats it now...this subject is now finished for moi!
031218
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phil may you have many dead babies. 031218
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slip Yes. I'm going to admit it, i'm a sicko. But I actually laughed so hard at those jokes up there.. i say keep em coming, there seems to be so many i haven't heard before! 031219
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r1y9a6n4 what's sicker than having sex with a four year old?

taking your clown suit off when you're finished.

what's sicker than that?

making sure you get all of the blood out of the clown suit before the next time.
031223
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injust what goes in with a shovel and out with a straw?

babies in a mixer
040220
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meh... How do you make a baby cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.
040220
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nobody is laughing How do you make a dead baby float?

Take one serving of Lacey
Add one serving of Scott
And let them have sex in the blender
040221
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Barbeque How long do you cook a dead baby for?

....
I dunno either, I can never wait that long
040316
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poiuytrewq How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off its head.
040411
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. . 040705
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poet some of these really are sickening.... 040705
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Xeneth Sparda THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST DEAD BABY JOKES EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAS EVERYONE I'VE HEARD AND MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! 040915
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laced one i've heard:

what's white and orange and sits at the bottom of the pool?

a baby with sliced floaties

what's red and orange and sits on top of the pool?

a sliced baby with floaties
040915
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Joy I laugh at what is horrifying 040915
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Somebody that I used to know wow, this is an amazing collection of dead baby jokes.

Whats the difference between a daed baby and a rock?

You cant fuck a rock...
050201
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~gez~ whats blue and sends mothers screaming?
cot death

what crawls but can't fit through a cat-flap?
a baby with a spike through its head
050612
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sugar whats better than a baby in a trash can
TEN BABIES IN A TRASH CAN
whats better than ten babies in a trash can
ONE BABY IN TEN TRASH CANS
050919
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dipperwell I don't think that the reason dead baby jokes are so popular is because they take something we fear and trivialize it. People usually only get offended, not amused, when that sort of thing happens. The makers of dead baby jokes never aimed to give psychological rest to those unable to deal with infant mortality, as some above have speculated. At the most, they can lead to a temporary and isolated instance of indifference - but this still is not why something becomes funny. The fact is, dead baby jokes are shocking and scandalous, and we love shock and scandal, anything that blows the roof up. It's why it is so easy for a teen girl with mediocre talent and no qualms with being sexualized can be an instant (albeit, ephemeral) pop star - so long as she transforms her virginal innocence tantalizingly into an open-mouthed, glossy-eyed sex kitten: it is shocking, it is scandalous, it keeps provoking our interest and our intrigue, ashamed as we are of it. It's also why young philosophers often find instant attraction to Nietzsche before considering Plato, or why reality television shows have gotten increasingly more audacious and extreme. Laughing at grotesque morbidity is no different then buying a poster of Britney Spears pulling a thong away from her crotch while staring like a horny deer into the camera. So don't feel guilty for being a Western human; daring humour has always been en vogue, we've just slipped to more disgusting depths.

It'll get worse soon.
051007
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misstree i hope so.
i haven't been properly offended in a while.
051008
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bricks Whats the difference between a dead baby and a hamburger?








I can't have sex with a hamburger before I eat it.
061006
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scary that i know these... how do you fit 100 dead babies in a phone booth?

wood chipper.


how do you get them out?

nachos
070220
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pSyche What's blue and flies around the room?


baby with a punctured lung!




What's worse than waking up with a dead baby on your pillow?

Realizing you were really drunk last night and made love to it.
080706
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TCMT I am deeply disturbed by these jokes.

I can accept that people have a different sense of humor than me, but I keep picturing a person who has actually lost a baby discovering this page. I could just imagine the anger they would feel by this.

There is a part of me that wants to accept this as is, realize that we all have a sick sense of humor and that we all are (or most of us) are attracted to jokes that are at the expense of someone else. I want to be accepting of that, but there is a part of me that believes that thinks it is extremely disturbing, for the obvious apathy involved in dead baby jokes. Should we be okay with this because its a joke? Would it be funny if you had lost a baby in any of these ways (like if you found your pieces of your two year old son in 10 separate trash cans)?

I wish I could laugh at this stuff, since it seems like this is an accepted means of humor, but to try to justify this type of sadistic humor seems to be an incredible stretch for me. What does it say about people? And does accepting that part of ourselves mean we have to feed into it?
090527
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Lemon_Soda The only difference between humor and tragedy to most people is whether it happened to them or not. 090527
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Lemon_Soda The only difference between humor and tragedy to most people is whether it happened to them or not. 090527
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TCMT that is a sad truth. 090527
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Lemon_Soda I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I knew for certain there was aconcious afterlife directly preceding death. As it stands I just find it sad that people are gone forever, however they went out. 090527
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