jokes_so_funny_i_almost_wet_myself squint my dad just told me a couple jokes and we both spent WAY longer laughing about them than we should have. q: what did the hat say to the hat rack? a: you stay here, I'll go on a head. q: what did the rug say to the floor? a: don't worry, i got you covered. I know. this is way too cheesy. I'm sorry. (not really.) hahahhahahhohohohoohhehehehehe! WHEW!! 020802 ... Freak This one isn't any better than squint's but I laughed so hard I about started crying so here it goes. There are these 3 strings that want to go to this bar but there was a sign on the door that said no strings allowed. So the first string says "Hey, I have an idea. I will just wear a hat and they wont know im a string." So the string goes into the bar and the bartender says "Hey, your just a string with a hat on, get out of my bar!. So the second string says "Hey, I have an idea. Ill just wear some cloths and they wont know im a string." So the string goes into the bar and the bartender says "hey, your just a string with cloths on, get out of my bar." So the third string said he had an even better idea so he tied himself into a knot and frayed out his ends then goes into the bar. The bartender walks over and says "Your a string, theres no strings allowed in my bar." So the string just looks at him and says, "No, im afraid not." (A frayed knot) I tried to tell this joke to some people once and I had to keep stopping because I was laughing so hard that I couldn't finish telling the joke and when I finally did they thought it was more funny that I was laughing so hard about the joke then the actual joke was. 020802 ... squint hahahha dude that made me laugh SOOOO hard.... I'm such a happy squint right now. partially due to the fact that crabs_need_to_die, and right now they are on my stove...mwahahahahaha 020802 ... Freak glad I could make you laugh. I just read my joke again and it still makes me laugh like crazy even though ive heard it so many times. 020802 ... IKC 56-80 i thought i saw that in here once, funny thing. " a_frayed_knot " i've been playing with the "go" button for a week, who the hell knows anymore what i have seen or haven't 020802 ... Photophobe hehe those are so funny! I've got this friend who is an antenna, and well, he got married not long ago. I went along to the wedding, which was really nice, but let me tell you, the reception was amazing! Whats green and has four wheels? Grass! (I lied about the wheels...) 020803 ... kerry hahaha! reception! i get it. thats a good one. :-) 020803 ... Photophobe :) 020803 ... jusslissen2me Here's one. A woman was walking her dog. I guy walked by and heard the woman calling her dog. So he walks to the woman and say "If i can tell you why you call your dog Porky, would you sleep with me?" The woman says yeah. The guy says because he's fat just like a pig. The woman said no, it's because he likes to fuck pigs. hahahahahahaha 020804 ... squint oh. that wasn't funny. ... 020804 ... jusslissen2me okay my bro told me this one, A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess." 020804 ... jusslissen2me A man was in the shower while his wife was on the couch watching T.V. She heard a knock at the door. She answered and it was the neighbor Tim. Tim told her "I'll give you two hundred dollars if you show me your breast." She agreed and did it. Then he asked her to get completely naked for another two hundred. And she did. He looked couldnt beleive it and left. She put her clothes back on and her husband came out the shower. She told him Tim had just stopped by. He asked "Did he mention anything about that 400 hundred dollars he owe me?" hehehehhahahhaaha 020804 ... jusslissen2me Three blondes are walking down the beach. They see something and pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out. He says, you each have one wish. The 1st one says I want to be 20 times smarter. She becomes a brunette. The second one says I want to be smarter but not that much smarter. Make me 10 times smarter. She turns into a redhead. The third one says, I don't want to be any more smarter. Make me 100 times dumber. She turns into a man. 020804 ... jusslissen2me A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" 020804 ... jusslissen2me Your mom has no legs no teeth talkin some we need to step up and take a bite outta crime...lol 020805 ... squint ok. knock it off. 020805 ... Photophobe I didn't find any of those last ones in the least funny. Sorry, I just don't get them... 020805 ... kerry these jokes make me feel stupid. i don't understand half of them. 020805 ... stork daddy haha...okay...this joke was told to me by a born again christian who was brought by my cousin's crazy uncle. it was actually a whole night of fun...anyways...here it goes...too bad i can't tell it. and you guys beat me to my fraid knot joke. okay...anyways...have you guys heard about the musical group amnesia? are you sure you didn't forget? are you sure you don't have...AMNESIA? hahahahahhahaha...ohhh whoooooo...i was laughing almost non stop...i didn't think i could laugh any harder untill the lady with crazy eyes who the man brought got up and compared my aunt and uncle...(who's anniversary it was) to these swans she had seen with broken feathers. oh the church songs the guy was singing on a tape in the background were funny too. nevermind. you wouldn't understand. haha. this my second favorite hobby...all the rest are tied for first. 020806 ... stork daddy okay, just thought this one up...what was James Dean after his fatal accident before the emts arrived? a rebel without a gauze...hahaha...eh 020806 ... Photophobe Whats red and invisible? No tomatoes! 020806 ... jusslissen2me ===========Ventriloquist================ A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee." 020806 ... dondeestanlosjaguares (kids, don't read on) Three guys go to hell: a white guy, a chinese guy, and a mexican guy. (now I am in no way trying to be racist) The Devil goes to them and gives them a deal. If any one of you can go through three trials each located in a room, I will let you go free! In the first room there is 100 bottles of tequila, you have to drink those 100 bottles of tequila. In the second room there is a lion that has a sore tooth, you have to take his tooth out with your bare hands. In the third room there is an eighty-year-old lady who has never had an orgasm, you have to make her have an orgasm. So, first the chinese guy walks into the first room and he drinks five bottles and passes out. The white guy walks in to the first room and drinks fifty bottles and then passes out. The mexican guy walks in to the first room and drinks the 100 bottles of tequila! He then goes into the second room and shuts the door behind him. An hour goes by, two hours. . .the devil begins to think that the mexican guy got eaten by the lion. So he starts towards the door and then he hears this huge "RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he sees the mexican guy walking out and the mexican guy asks, "Alright!, So where is the old lady that needs the tooth to be pulled out???" 020806 ... jusslissen2me ===========Communication Problem======== There was a married couple having communication problems, so they decide to see a shrink. He recommends the husband get an animal he can talk to, preferably something that can talk back. So the husband (Bob) goes to the local pet store to purchase a parrot. What better animal to have a conversation with than a parrot? Anyway, he asks the sales clerk for a parrot. The Clerk says he has one that can say about 2000 words, for $1000. Bob doesn't want to spend that much, so the clerk says he has a parrot that says about 1000 words, for $500. Still a litttle expensive, Bob decides. OK, the clerk says, We aren't supposed to sell him, but you really seem to want a parrot. We have one in the back that can speak about 5000 words, about as well as any person. The only thing is that it was born with a birth defect. Instead of legs, it has a six-inch penis it uses to grapple to perch. Five bucks. Bob buys it, names it Joe, and takes joe home. After a few months, bob and joe are the best of friends. One day, Bob comes home from work, and Joe says "Bob, we need to talk." So Bob sits down, "yeah what's up?" Joe says "today you're wife invited the mailman in." "So? He was probably tired form working." "She asked him if he wanted a drink." "Well, he was probably thirsty. He has been working all day, you know." "She started taking off her blouse," Joe said. "OH MY GOD!! What happened then?" "I Don't know," Said Joe. "I got a hard-on and fell off the perch." 020807 ... ~gez~ a man wwent to a fancy dress party with a women on his back. at the door the bouncer asked "what have you come as?" the man replied "i am a tortoise". the bouncer proceeded to ask "well who is she then?" the man replied "thats michelle" LMAO 020829 ... lo There's 2 apples sitting in an oven, the first apple says to the second apple, "damn,it's hot in here". The second apple says to the first apple, "HOLY SHIT a talking apple! don't know why this was so funny to me but it really really was 020829 ... Aimee There's nothing funnier than a cripple with a dream..... www.geocities.com/Juliet8217/cripple.html 020829 ... bandersnatch did anyone hear the one about the talking mushroom? he's a fun guy (fungi) did yall hear about he new pirate movie comming out? its rated AAARRRRRRGH and the best of the best: the second mate on a pirateship walks into the captians room to tell him that the big wooden steering wheel thing is missing, when he sees that the captian has it down his pants. So he asks the captian what the wheel is donign down his pants, and the captian replies "argh, its driving me nuts" 020829 ... bandersnatch by the way, ~gez~ has the best joke in here. here is 1 more bad joke i forgot to put in. what is the difference between an orange and a chicken? they are both orange, execpt for the chicken. 020829 ... da sol man ok, these two have stuck with me for a long time and I have never known why, so now I will share... Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk. -- Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant under your bed? A: Your nose hits the ceiling. hee... half-a-giggle 020829 ... MollyCule A man is on a business trip, and decides to get a hooker for the night. It's a very small town and the only available hooker to be had is around 75 years old. He figures, what the hell, I'll just shut my eyes and think about Angelina Jolie. They start to make with the love, but after a few minutes, he notcies something strange and stops, and she asks what's wrong. He tells her that her pussy feels kinda dry and scratchy. She tells him to wait just a minute, turns around on the bed, and rubs herself for a bit. They get back to the action and now it's just great, not scratchy at all. After he finishes, he lights up a smoke, lay back, and says, "wow, that was good. But what did you do to yourself to make it so much better?" She smiles and says, "I picked my scabs." . 020830 ... ~gez~ a man went into the doctors with a fried egg on top of his head. the doctor asked "why have you got a fried egg on top of your head?" the man replied "because the boiled ones keep rolling off!" LMAO 020830 ... depends two assholes are talking in a forum. one turns to the other ands says, "shut up dafremen," and the other turns back and responds, "no, you shut up stork daddy" 030508 ... stork daddy that was really mean. that just hurt my feelings. i mean i'm going through a really hard time right now and that really hurt me more than i think you needed to. i don't know what makes you think descending to our level is the answer. you could at least show yourself so everyone can praise you for hurting another person's feelings. 030508 ... Freak/Lilac/Jessica geez, someones sensitive today, it's okay though, at least I still love you. 030508 ... stork daddy it was a joke get it? i just wet myself 030508 ... megan there once was a lonbely woman who put an ad in the paper. it said, :lonely woman looking for a good male companion who won't beat on me, won't run around on me, and is good in bed." a few weeks went by and the doorbell rang. the woman answered, and there sat a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. the woman, confused, said, "can i help you?" he said, "i'm here for the ad." she said, "but i'm confused..." he said, "i have no arms, i can't beat you. i have no legs, i can't run around on you." she said, "but what about in bed?" he said, "but i rang the doorbell didn't i?" 030508 ... megan a pregnant woman went into labor. the doctor delivered the baby, and rushed into the other room with it. when he came back in, he was swining it around and banging it on tables and chairs and walls and the floor. the woman screamed in horror. the doctor said, "april fools, it was already dead." little mean, but gave me a good laugh :) 030508 ... Diabla these are really good i need to get to 100_facts_about_me 030508 ... minnesota_chris A doctor is seeing a patient, when another man runs in and says "Doc, you gotta help me, I'm shrinking!" The doc turns to him and says "I'm sorry, I'm helping someone right now, you'll have to be a little patient." 030509 ... Princess Lola keeping w/ doctor stuff: when mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised, but when old mcdonald had a farm, the doctor almost died! 030718 ... FireNRoses What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese Lame... yes, but it still cracks me up. 030718 ... Dafremen "Hey Lalo? Will you do me a favor?" "Sure man, what's up?" "I need you to f*ck my wife." "WHAT?!" "Yea man, I need you to f*ck my wife and I want you to f*ck her GOOD." "Alright loco, what's this about?" "Nothin man, I just want you to teach her to be as good in bed as yer ol' lady is." 030718 ... smurfus rex Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Devil says, "Bill, we're gonna do things a little different today. I'm gonna show you what Hell is like, then I'm gonna show you what Heaven is like, and then I'm gonna let you choose which one you wanna go to for Eternity." Bill Gates says, "Sure! Sounds great to me!" So they tour Hell and Bill sees all kinds of girls and parties and stuff he never got to do on Earth. Devil says, "Now Bill, you could potentially spend the rest of Eternity in an everlasting party surrounded by lovely ladies. Do you still want to tour Heaven?" Bill says "Hell yeah! If this is Hell I can't wait to see what Heaven is like!" So the Devil takes him up to tour Heaven. When they get there, Bill sees a whole lot of people in togas and halos doing mundane things like reading and drawing and fishing. No parties. No sex. No chicks. Bill says "Devil, I think I made up my mind. I'll choose to spend Eternity in Hell because Heaven looks boring." So the Devil takes him back down to Hell. When Bill looks around, he's being shackled to a wall next to a molten lava pit and a sadistic dominatrix demon checking over her torture toys. As Devil snaps the last shackle shut, Bill wails "But this is NOTHING like what you showed me! Where are the girls? the parties? the endless sex?" Devil smiles and says, "Oh...that was the demo version of Hell." . 030719 ... celestias shadow see dead_baby_jokes. those are the best kinds of jokes. 030901 ... Bespeckled This one strikes a chord with my slightly off sense of humor: There’s a bear and a rabbit taking a dump in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit, “How do you stay so clean when you wipe?” The rabbit says, “It’s my fur; the crap doesn’t stick to it.” The bear ponders this for a moment, then grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with it. 030901 ... Alden This duck walks into a bar, he goes up to the counter and askes the bartender, "you got any grapes? The bartender says to him, "No we don't serve grapes around here. The next day the duck comes back and asks him again "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "no" Three more days in a row the duck walks in and asks for grapes, and the bartender finally gets fed up and says "Look, I don't serve grapes in my bar, if you come back here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the wall!" The next day the duck comes back, marches right up to the bartender and says "Got any nails?" the bartender says "No..." and the duck says "Got any grapes?" 030902 ... celestias shadow hey, alden, i've heard that one. only it's a rabbit....and carrots. 030902 ... Alden There's this fish swimming in a river, and he looks up and sees this fly hovering above the water, and he thinks to himself, "If that fly lowers six inches, I could jump up there and get that fly and have me some dinner" Well at the same time there's this fisherman standing on the bank with a net, and he sees the fly and he says "you know, if that fly were to lower six inches, that fish would jump up to get that fly, I could jump out there and net that fish and have me some dinner." Well, over on the opposite shore, there's this bear, and he sees the fly and says "if that fly were to lower six inches, that fish would jump up to get that fly that fisherman would jump out there to get that fish, I could jump out there and get that fisherman and have me some dinner!" There's this hunter sitting in the bushes eating a sandwich, and he sees the fly and says "if that fly were to lower six inches, that fish would jump up to get that fly that fisherman would jump out there to net that fish, that bear would jump out there to get that fisherman, I could toss down my sandwich, snatch up my rifle, shoot that bear and have me some dinner!" well there's this mouse, and he sees the fly and says "if that fly were to lower six inches, that fish would jump up to get that fly that fisherman would jump out there to nab that fish, that bear would jump out there to get that fisherman, that hunter would toss down his sandwich, snatch up his rifle to shoot the bear, and I could snag that sandwich and have me some dinner!" There just happens to be this cat who sees the fly and says, says "if that fly were to lower six inches, that fish would jump up to get that fly that fisherman would jump out there to net that fish, that bear would jump out there to get that fisherman, that hunter would toss down his sandwich, grab up his rifle to shoot that bear, that mouse would run out there to get that sandwich, and I could jump out there and get that mouse and have me some dinner!" Sure enough, the fly lowers six inches, the fish jumps up to get the fly, the fisherman jumps out to get the fish, the bear jumps out to get the fisherman, and hunter throws down his sandwich, snatches up his rifle to shoot the bear, the mouse runs after the sandwich, and cat pounces after the mouse, misses completely, and lands square in the river. Want to know the MORAL_OF_THE_STORY ? 030902 ... Alden moral_of_the_story 030902 ... splat How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the F out of "Safe" and the F out of "way." 030926 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl one that my cousin told me; There was a newspaper which was running a pun competition with a small cash prize for the winner. One man sent in 10 puns, hoping that at least one of them would win, but unfortunately for him, no pun in ten did. (no pun intended) yes, it's really bad i know, but i wanted to put it in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ hopefully a better one now..... THE BULLETS There was a bank robbery on a street, and a man came running out of the bank waving a gun, and he shot a pregnant woman 3 times in her stomach before driving away. Later on, 15 years after the woman had given birth to her 2 daughters and 1 son, she was surprised one day when one of her daughters came in, crying hard. "What's wrong?" she asked, concerned. "I went to the toilet to pee and a bullet came out," said the daughter, still crying. The mother explained to her about the armed robbery, and stopped her crying. About 10 minutes later, her second daughter came in, also crying, and the mother asked her what was wrong. The daughter replied, "I went to the toilet and a BULLET came out!" The mother comforted her, and told her the same thing she had told the other daughter. A little later on, the son also came in crying, and the mother said to him, "Don't tell me what's wrong, i think i can guess. You went to the toilet and a bullet came out, right?" "No," said the boy, still crying. "I was having a wank and i shot the dog!" 040327 what's it to you? who go blather from