thekittenphenomenon emo Last August the day after my 16 birthday, I was having an abortion at a clinic in Springfield. I was pregnant by Josh or by Trey, I still have no proof which one. Whom ever, I’m not sure.... To this day, I still don't know which person impregnated me... Either way it didn't make the situation any better. So I was pregnant. .. and well, I knew I was pregnant ! I told myself that it wasn’t true I didn’t want to believe it. I didn't want to deal with it. I thought that maybe it would just go away…..? I / That was irresponsible and I didn't care. I just didn't care I suppose a month or so went by, with no period and without taking a pregnancy test. I’ll wait and see if Maybe my period just skipped a month… I just kept telling Josh and myself that it wasn't true, I couldn’t be pregnant. It was simply that my period had skipped a month. We would wait it out until my next menstrual cycle to take a pregnancy test. I was really just denying what I knew in my heart was true…I was pregnant… and I was procrastinating…. With everything else in my life going on and flying by… I tried to grasp reality , and scrambled for a way to make sense of it all, gather myself up and get it together and start figuring out what to do. Next month.. I’m too afraid to get the test, I tell Josh. I ‘don’t want to be seen buying one.’ He says he will buy it for me. But I say, let’s just wait. The truth is I don’t want to know… But I know I am. From my head , to my heart , to my gut , I know that I am pregnant. I see the baby in my dreams. It keeps me awake at night worrying. I knew that day when I first thought I could be. I know I knew then. That was when the procrastinating started. My denying level went from a two to ten. I’m sitting here right now with a blanket over my head looking absolutely ridiculous... but I’m cold and you loose like 30 or 40 % of your body heat through you head... so its staying there. So where was I… I have a tendency to go and get off topic, stray away from what I am talking about and never seem to get directly to the point. Although, it is though these slight mislead excursions that I discover I come to a sense of way more over all fulfillment from writing then just to stay on the mainstream and discussion in deeper straight forward detail aligned perfectly one after the other to one main topic. So, I am pregnant. Everything is telling me that I am. My mind, my body, my soul and the thing living, developing and striving for life inside of me I stop smoking. I stop drinking. I stop do everything. Even though I know there is no hope for the baby forming inside me… It will be aborted there is no other option… there never was…. I never thought of any other way seriously. I won't live with the fact thingking that if for some rason i HAVe to have this baby it would be born messed up because i had to smoke a ciggarette and could damn well wait till this innocent baby was out of my body to go ahead and pollute my self with this tar and cyanide enriched smokey nicotine. something like that.. or maybe i just think that its gross ly odd and perverse to be pregnant and still smoke... weather i am having htis baby or not... soemthing inside me , maybe it was this thing living in my womb... told me that it was bad to smoke... that it wasn't the right thing to do... i don't know... and wow... now i think to myself .. what if that baby was mean tto come into this world? what if i felt all of that love and felt like i need ed to protect and nurture this baby.. LIke i need ed to keep my body out of harms way for the sake of this baby and keep myself healthy for this baby... i needed to do that... i dont know if i imagined this feeling .. but i think it was reall i actually liked it.... i liked the feeling that there was someting inside me that was worth while that was worth protecting sometihng... that there was a reason to protect my self... and what was inside me... But i just had it scooped away out of my body and flushed away down a toilet somewhere... an unborn fetus.. with limbs. and and head. and a heartbeat.... a tiny little heart beat there it was on the screen in a sea of black and grey and blue.. thumping.. perpetuating its existance.. struggling for life.. striving to become something more than a cluster of cells. it had shape it had a form to it... it had a heart beat bum bum... bum bum... bum bum... even mute i could hear it in my head... as if my brain was some how connected to my womb, and i could hear it in my ears... bum bum...bum bum... bum bum... this little life.. inside of me... was growing living and existing it was two.. i was two i was multiplying...... i could create something as innocent and as real and alive and vertuous and beautiful as life.... no matter who it was with... and i know... that it was trey i might wish that instead it was josh... but it wasn't... it was trey i know that... it was i just know... and i know that really i want it to be him... So i will never ever forget the baby that was meant to be the one who should have breathe his or her first life breath taken their first step in my arms and maybe been a larger part of my life... but this baby had no name this baby had not to be this baby had no name. this child i was affraid to let live to let it in to my life to mess things up and screw it up not once but twice... so i let it go... i let her go i let him go and flush away down some toilet somehwere and then trey left or mabye he was already gone in the desert somewhere i don't really know i wasn't really paying attentionto him at that time... i just know that when he got bakc i knwe that i had to tell him... i knew that he had to know because iknew that it was his... i nkew it .. in my heart i know i knew Alkl of those great times i shared with josh were gone at this time at that place right there in that mall right then when he came back from the dessert and saw me that day.. i knew that he was the one... i knew i had to tell him he had to know So but by that time the baby was gone it was like this, i went into this place my mom sat on one side of me and josh the other... what they were thinking about each other at that momment... well i have no idea... to think about it will blow my mind away... i can't it grosses me out to think in that way.. about the two of them sitting htere in the abortion clinic reception ist office.... waiting for me to fill out paopers and things... then being left alone to the two of them tyogether to watch me walk away behind closed doors in this scuzzy place... to sit there together and wait for me .. tooknow what was happening to me... to think about what the other was thinking... they had a tie between them.. it was me... So Josh me and mom sitting there in the resoponist office lobby the waiting lounge... at the abourtiuon clineic.. i get all the paper work done.. get up and leave the tow of them there.... walk throught the doors close behind me... getting undressed.. they wait for me.. thinking about what the other is thinking.. That thougth creeps me out.... weirds me out and grosses me out all at the same time.. So anyways... i go in discrobe...sit there flipping through magazines ... something... i dont even remember.. i was totally scared.... i wans't even looking in them just flippin g through the pages... there was a girl sitting in a hospital gown next to me as well... with just sneakers on... she was nerveous... also... i could tell... her fooot was twitching and it wouldn't stop... I wanted to talk to her.. at the time i wanted to talk to her... to console her... to help make myself feel better... to just be able to bite out off "are you nerveous too/ scared too?" But i already knew what her answer would be... and well it was idle... and it would make me feell stargely more inseceure and out of control.. and werid.. so i didn't talk to her... now i could see my self asking the girl with the twitching foot that question and her reply "yes, im scared to death! " then just throuwing myself on her for a mutal consolation hug.. between two complete strangers... who some how have this clinic and these magazines in common and share the same perdicament. We both some how ended up here... but with no un denailbity were we put here by different circumstances... the same practicce had to be ccarried out to end up in the same place... to be sitting here. that day .. in hospital gowns and sneakers... flipping through a magazine... in a dirty clinic with a police officer at the door.... So anyways.. then after that.. there were probably some standard procedures... between that waiting room.. the chaning room with the basket for you clothes on the floor and the drugs that induced... some strange half sleep numbness conscousness.... and the operating table and the coldness of the clamps and the picture of something ... ... buildings...... on the ceiling above the table..... meant to be focused on and relieve stress.... and anxiety.... and then the mans face..... it was a man.... of all of the people.... it had to be a man.... he was bearded.... red bearded..... He wwas perverted in my eyes... the worst case senario.... but who wouldn't be to take that job..... he had dark brown eyes... and he was cold.... i felt a pinch in my vagina.... a sharp pinch llll like a needle... it was it beccame "numb.." i was loosing it... stuggling ... tensing up .. sccared .. crying... a woman stood over me and held my hand tight... and told me consoled me that i would be alright it would be okay... i just kept crying and crying... and crying... i was so scared and my god, it hurt so unbelievably bad... my insides weere being sucked out of me.... i wonder what i would have looked like i imagine what i looked like lying on that table.....ankles crossed from that womans point of view... i didn't know her... but she was kind to me... and the man became kind too..... he wasn't as scary.... he wasn't as mean or unfreindly unkind... it wasn't him that was hurting me anymore..... it was that ungodly load suction noise ... because the tube was inside... suciking everything out of me..... and that was what hurt muscles inside contracting and retracting and then contracting agian... and squeezing... liek really bad menstral cramps... and pressure like getting a tooth pulled.... i just lay there and cried and cried and creid.... i was humiliated humilliating... that is the word that i choose to discribe the entire thing... and pain.. but mostly humiliating... i left the operating table ... druged barely able to move... have conscous... and incoherant... sleepy and messed up and in lots and lots of pain... so then i just remember lying in a chair or a bed propped up or soemthing... all druged...and dazed and wondering if i was gonna feel better sooner than later.. cuz it sucked... and i had never felt pain in tissue like that before... it was over... there was no turning back.. that baby was gone... killed right then and there. i had no choice... i needed to go to college. So anyways... i came to find that in the days following and preceedeing i had come to protect my body and the thing living inside me... as if it were both the same.. this strange maternal feelling overwhelmed me for days... and i needed to nurture. after the fetus was gone... i didn't have a baby... no baby but still maternal feelings of sadness and longing and nurturing... so, i went out and bought a kitten .strange phenomenon.... it was almost as oif, like i replaced the baby lost through aboutriotn with this small kitten.. to take care off. in the same maternal way... i had to feed it lceean it take care of it.. hold it pet it ... love it... kiss and hug it... change the litte.r. was the same thing.. i didn't buy it to console me.... in the loss or the hard times... but to help nullify the feeling s of loss and to give these maternal feelings and outlit.... to express them on a nother living creature.... i need ed to motheer something ... take care of something......like i would have done for the lost bqaby..... and that last statement wa the phenomenon i wished to discuss. and have now done so... i feel relieved and will edit and fix the preceeding. 020830 ... paste! good ol' gatsby! he ran away. http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/blank_canteen 020831 ... daxle that story almost made me cry... but i don't know what to say about it really... i wondered if i got a kitten so i would have someone to take care of, but now i know it's not true. i got a kitten because i am infatuated with kitten behavior. i'm trying to make him use the toilet just so i have to take less care of him. feeding him's ok because he does silly things like this: when i take a scoop out of the food bin and pour it into his dish, he quickly and lightly paws the cup Every Time just before i take it away. no reason, just does. 020831 ... ~gez~ never met a kitten that didn't scratch me. i think its a curse actually, that's wrong i went to a pound once. i know they would have scratched me if they had the chance though 020831 ... ~gez~ beautiful story. i dont htink i've ever read such a long blather 020831 ... josie I agree, it was an incredible story, thank you for sharing it. I've always thought about how i'd feel if i ever felt pregnant, cause at this stage in my life i would have to consider the decision of abortion to be quite logical. I've never felt the need to be motherly, prolly because of the way my mother treated me i'm quite cold toward the thought of bearing children one day. It's sad i know, but maybe i would be left feeling a similar attatchment to my loss? And maybe that feeling would change the way i live my life forever.. thank you again, i really appreciate your words emo. 020831 ... ............. that made me cry. I didnt get my period this month. 020901 ... blown cherry Reading that produced a terrible ache in my chest. Thankfully I've never yet been faced with the ordeal, but whenever the idea of it has writhered into my mind I'm always torn between the instinctive panic/I'm-too-young/my-life-is-already-a-mess/ this-really-can't-happen-now type feelings, and the awe struck but-the-child-of-this-person-would-be-an-amazing thing-to-behold type feeling (which is very strong). I highly suspect however that the practical side of me would win out, despite the fact that on _world_ average 23 isn't too young to have a kid, my old friend who is one week younger than me has a 3 1/2 year old son, my life isn't as screwed as I usually make out, panic burns itself out, and it really COULD happen if I just sat there and let it. Still scares me shitless. Don't want to have a baby, don't want an abortion, don't want to get pregnant in the first place. However, I do like cats. 020902 ... populationcontrol so why exactly did you get pregnant, you slut? condoms people... 020902 ... squint oh christ. *rolls eyes and slaps population control* 020902 ... cresentwhench What the hell did you just say?!?! I didn't read a damn bit of the shit. You just ramble on and on and on.....God I'd hate to be you! What the fuck is so damn cute about kittens any fuckin ways? Besides they're good python food, I don't really see any signifigant use for them at all. 021104 ... p2 not to take away from emo's touchingly beautiful story but there's another kitten phenomenon which is especially true in my case cats seem to be most attracted to those who are the most allergic cats love me i love cats too bad i break out in hives afterwards 021105 ... Strideo I feel sick . 030117 ... Qryssi God that made me feel so incredibly sick and repulsed.. does it really hurt that much to have an abortion? It hurts so badly? Why would it hurt? Why don't they put you under for awhile? Oh I feel so sick... I might throw up... :( Thank you for the story. I'm going to be even MORE careful from now on not to get pregnant. I always use condoms but I -was- worried for a little while anyhow. And populationcontrol, PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT DESPITE PROPER USE OF CONDOMS. It doesn't mean she's a slut. You cannot assume that. Even if she didn't use condoms, you still cannot call her a slut. It's a simple situation of "rubber on" or "rubber off". It is not a person's status in the world. Sick.. oh god so sick.. :( 030303 ... emo i didnt think anyone would actually read my rambles. thanks to all for responding. 030602 ... nomatter whenever I'm having a down day, I cuddle up with my little Hugo. It's so comforting. 031003 ... Aimee wow... I can't even imagine how that must have felt for you. There were times I considering an abortion, but I knew I would love my baby too much, and would be far too frightened to go through with it. I admire your strength, and hope that the pain has dissipated some. I know I wasn't ready for a baby, but I wouldn't trade him for the world... I bought him a puppy before he was born so I'd have some practice.. 031004 ... ferret mmm. nothing i can say that would be as dramatic and beautiful and sickening and blah and emotional as that story. so i'll leave it at that 031005 what's it to you? who go blather from