emo Last August the day after my 16 birthday, I was having an abortion at a clinic in Springfield.
I was pregnant by Josh or by Trey, I still have no proof which one.
Whom ever, I’m not sure....
To this day, I still don't know which person impregnated me...
Either way it didn't make
the situation any better.

So I was pregnant. .. and well, I knew I was pregnant !

I told myself that it wasn’t true

I didn’t want to believe it.
I didn't want to deal with it.
I thought that maybe it would just
go away…..?
I / That was irresponsible and I didn't care.

I just didn't care I suppose a month or so went by,
with no period and without taking a pregnancy test.
I’ll wait and see if Maybe my period just skipped a month

I just kept telling Josh and myself that it wasn't true, I couldn’t be pregnant. It was simply that my period had skipped a month. We would wait it out until my next menstrual cycle to take a pregnancy test.

I was really just denying what I knew in my heart was true…I was pregnantand I was procrastinating…. With everything else in my life going on and flying byI tried to grasp reality , and scrambled for a way to make sense of it all, gather myself up and get it together and start figuring out what to do.

Next month.. I’m too afraid to get the test, I tell Josh.
I ‘don’t want to be seen buying one.’ He says he will buy it for me.
But I say, let’s just wait.
The truth is I don’t want to know

But I know I am.
From my head ,
to my heart ,
to my gut ,
I know that I am pregnant.

I see the baby in my dreams.

It keeps me awake at night worrying. I knew that day when I first thought I could be.
I know I knew then.
That was when the procrastinating started.
My denying level went from a two to ten.

I’m sitting here
right now with a blanket over my head looking absolutely ridiculous... but I’m cold
and you loose like 30 or 40 % of your body heat through you head... so
its staying there.

So where was I
I have a tendency to go and get off topic, stray away from what I am talking about and
never seem to get directly to the point. Although, it is though these slight mislead
excursions that I discover I come to a sense of way more over all fulfillment from
writing then just to stay on the mainstream and discussion in deeper straight
forward detail aligned perfectly one after the other to one main topic.

So, I am pregnant. Everything is telling me that I am.
My mind, my body, my soul and the thing living, developing and striving for life inside of

I stop smoking. I stop drinking. I stop do everything.
Even though I know there is no hope for the baby forming inside meIt will be aborted there is no other optionthere never was…. I never thought of any other way seriously.
I won't live with the fact thingking
that if for some rason i HAVe to have this baby it would be born messed up because i
had to smoke a ciggarette and could damn well wait till this innocent baby was out of
my body to go ahead and pollute my self with this tar and cyanide enriched smokey

something like that.. or maybe i just think that its gross ly odd and perverse to be
pregnant and still smoke... weather i am having htis baby or not... soemthing inside
me , maybe it was this thing living in my womb... told me that it was bad to smoke...
that it wasn't the right thing to do... i don't know...
and wow... now i think to myself .. what if that baby was mean tto come into this
world? what if i felt all of that love and felt like i need ed to protect and nurture this
LIke i need ed to keep my body out of harms way for the sake of this baby and keep
myself healthy for this baby... i needed to do that...

i dont know if i imagined this feeling .. but i think it was reall
i actually liked it.... i liked the feeling that there was someting inside me that was
worth while that was worth protecting sometihng... that there was a reason to protect
my self... and what was inside me...

But i just had it scooped away out of my body and flushed away down a toilet
somewhere... an unborn fetus.. with limbs. and and head. and a heartbeat.... a tiny
little heart beat

there it was on the screen
in a sea of black and grey and blue..
thumping.. perpetuating its existance.. struggling for life.. striving to become
something more than a cluster of cells.
it had shape
it had a form to it... it had a heart beat

bum bum... bum bum... bum bum...
even mute i could hear it in my head... as if my brain was some how connected to my
womb, and i could hear it in my ears...
bum bum...bum bum... bum bum...

this little life.. inside of me... was growing
living and existing

it was two.. i was two i was multiplying......
i could create something as innocent and as real and alive and vertuous and beautiful
as life....
no matter who it was with... and i know...
that it was trey

i might wish that instead it was josh...
but it wasn't... it was trey

i know that... it was i just know... and
i know that really i want it to be him...

So i will never ever forget the baby that was meant to be

the one who should have breathe his or her first life breath

taken their first step in my arms

and maybe been a larger part of my life...
but this baby had no name
this baby had not to be
this baby had no name.

this child i was affraid to let live to let it in to my life
to mess things up and screw it up

not once but twice...

so i let it go... i let her go
i let him go

and flush away down some toilet somehwere

and then trey left
or mabye he was already gone
in the desert somewhere
i don't really know
i wasn't really paying attentionto him at that time...
i just know that when he got bakc
i knwe that i had to tell him...
i knew that he had to know

because iknew that it was his... i nkew it .. in my heart i know i knew

Alkl of those great times i shared with josh
were gone at this time at that place right there in that mall right then

when he came back from the dessert and saw me that day.. i knew
that he was the one... i knew i had to tell him he had to know

So but by that time the baby was gone

it was like this, i went into this place my mom sat on one side of me and josh the
what they were thinking about each other at that momment...
well i have no idea... to think
about it will blow my mind away... i can't it grosses me out to think in that way.. about
the two of them sitting htere in the abortion clinic reception ist office.... waiting for me
to fill out paopers and things... then being left alone to the two of them tyogether to
watch me walk away behind closed doors in this scuzzy place...
to sit there together and wait for me .. tooknow what was happening to me...
to think about what the other was thinking...
they had a tie between them.. it was me...

So Josh me and mom sitting there in the resoponist office lobby the waiting lounge...
at the abourtiuon clineic.. i get all the paper work done.. get up and leave the tow of
them there.... walk throught the doors close behind me... getting undressed.. they wait
for me.. thinking about what the other is thinking..

That thougth creeps me out.... weirds me out and grosses me out all at the same

So anyways... i go in discrobe...sit there flipping through magazines ... something... i
dont even remember.. i was totally scared.... i wans't even looking in them just flippin g
through the pages... there was a girl sitting in a hospital gown next to me as well...
with just sneakers on... she was nerveous... also...
i could tell... her fooot was twitching and it wouldn't stop...
I wanted to talk to her.. at the time i wanted to talk to her... to console her... to help
make myself feel better... to just be able to bite out off "are you nerveous too/ scared
too?" But i already knew what her answer would be... and
well it was idle... and it would make me feell stargely more inseceure and out of
control.. and werid.. so i didn't talk to her... now i could see my self asking the girl with
the twitching foot that question and her reply "yes, im scared to death! " then just
throuwing myself on her for a mutal consolation hug.. between two complete
strangers... who some how have this clinic and these magazines in common and
share the same perdicament. We both some how ended up here... but with no

un denailbity were we put here by different circumstances... the same practicce had to
be ccarried out to end up in the same place... to be sitting here. that day .. in hospital
gowns and sneakers... flipping through a magazine... in a dirty clinic with a police
officer at the door....

So anyways.. then after that.. there were probably some standard procedures...
between that waiting room.. the chaning room with the basket for you clothes on the
floor and the drugs that induced... some strange half sleep numbness
conscousness.... and the operating table and the coldness of the clamps and the
picture of something ... ... buildings...... on the ceiling above the table..... meant to be
focused on and relieve stress.... and anxiety....

and then the mans face..... it was a man....
of all of the people.... it had to be a man.... he was bearded.... red bearded..... He
wwas perverted in my eyes... the worst case senario.... but who wouldn't be to take
that job.....

he had dark brown eyes... and he was cold....
i felt a pinch in my vagina....

a sharp pinch llll like a needle... it was

it beccame "numb.."

i was loosing it... stuggling ... tensing up .. sccared .. crying... a woman

stood over me and held my hand tight... and told me consoled me that i would be
alright it would be okay...
i just kept crying and crying... and crying... i was so scared

and my god, it hurt so unbelievably bad...
my insides weere being sucked out of me....

i wonder what i would have looked like i imagine what i looked like lying on that
table.....ankles crossed
from that womans point of view...
i didn't know her... but she was kind to me...
and the man became kind too.....
he wasn't as scary.... he wasn't as mean or unfreindly unkind...
it wasn't him that was hurting me anymore.....
it was that ungodly load suction noise ... because the tube was inside...
suciking everything out of me.....
and that was what hurt

muscles inside contracting and retracting and then contracting agian... and
squeezing... liek really bad menstral cramps... and pressure like getting a tooth
i just lay there and cried and cried and creid.... i was humiliated

that is the word that i choose to discribe the entire thing...

and pain..
but mostly humiliating...

i left the operating table ... druged barely able to move... have conscous... and
incoherant... sleepy and

messed up and in lots and lots of pain...

so then i just remember lying in a chair or a bed propped up or soemthing... all
druged...and dazed and wondering if i was gonna feel better sooner than later.. cuz it
sucked... and i had never felt pain in tissue like that before...

it was over... there was no turning back.. that baby was gone... killed right then and

i had no choice...
i needed to go to college.

So anyways... i came to find that in the days following and preceedeing i had come to
protect my body and the thing living inside me... as if it were both the same.. this
strange maternal feelling overwhelmed me for days... and i needed to nurture.

after the fetus was gone... i didn't have a baby... no baby but still maternal feelings of
sadness and longing and nurturing...

so, i went out and bought a kitten
.strange phenomenon.... it was almost as oif, like i replaced the baby lost through
aboutriotn with this small kitten.. to take care off. in the same maternal way... i had to
feed it lceean it take care of it.. hold it pet it ... love it... kiss and hug it... change the
litte.r. was the same thing..

i didn't buy it to console me.... in the loss or the hard times... but to help nullify the
feeling s of loss and to give these maternal feelings and outlit.... to express them on a
nother living creature....

i need ed to motheer something ... take care of i would have done
for the lost bqaby.....

and that last statement wa the phenomenon i wished to discuss. and have now done
so... i feel relieved and will edit and fix the preceeding.
paste! good ol' gatsby! he ran away.
daxle that story almost made me cry... but i don't know what to say about it really...
i wondered if i got a kitten so i would have someone to take care of, but now i know it's not true. i got a kitten because i am infatuated with kitten behavior. i'm trying to make him use the toilet just so i have to take less care of him. feeding him's ok because he does silly things like this: when i take a scoop out of the food bin and pour it into his dish, he quickly and lightly paws the cup Every Time just before i take it away. no reason, just does.
~gez~ never met a kitten that didn't scratch me. i think its a curse

actually, that's wrong i went to a pound once. i know they would have scratched me if they had the chance though
~gez~ beautiful story. i dont htink i've ever read such a long blather 020831
josie I agree, it was an incredible story, thank you for sharing it.
I've always thought about how i'd feel if i ever felt pregnant, cause at this stage in my life i would have to consider the decision of abortion to be quite logical. I've never felt the need to be motherly, prolly because of the way my mother treated me i'm quite cold toward the thought of bearing children one day. It's sad i know, but maybe i would be left feeling a similar attatchment to my loss? And maybe that feeling would change the way i live my life forever.. thank you again, i really appreciate your words emo.
............. that made me cry.

I didnt get my period this month.
blown cherry Reading that produced a terrible ache in my chest.
Thankfully I've never yet been faced with the ordeal, but whenever the idea of it has writhered into my mind I'm always torn between the instinctive panic/I'm-too-young/my-life-is-already-a-mess/ this-really-can't-happen-now type feelings, and the awe struck but-the-child-of-this-person-would-be-an-amazing thing-to-behold type feeling (which is very strong).

I highly suspect however that the practical side of me would win out, despite the fact that on _world_ average 23 isn't too young to have a kid, my old friend who is one week younger than me has a 3 1/2 year old son, my life isn't as screwed as I usually make out, panic burns itself out, and it really COULD happen if I just sat there and let it.

Still scares me shitless.
Don't want to have a baby,
don't want an abortion,
don't want to get pregnant in the first place.

However, I do like cats.
populationcontrol so why exactly did you get pregnant, you slut? condoms people... 020902
squint oh christ.
*rolls eyes and slaps population control*
cresentwhench What the hell did you just say?!?! I didn't read a damn bit of the shit. You just ramble on and on and on.....God I'd hate to be you! What the fuck is so damn cute about kittens any fuckin ways? Besides they're good python food, I don't really see any signifigant use for them at all. 021104
p2 not to take away
from emo's touchingly beautiful story
but there's another
kitten phenomenon
which is especially true
in my case

cats seem to be
most attracted
to those who are
the most allergic

cats love me
i love cats
too bad
i break out in hives
Strideo I feel sick
Qryssi God that made me feel so incredibly sick and repulsed.. does it really hurt that much to have an abortion? It hurts so badly? Why would it hurt? Why don't they put you under for awhile? Oh I feel so sick... I might throw up... :( Thank you for the story. I'm going to be even MORE careful from now on not to get pregnant. I always use condoms but I -was- worried for a little while anyhow. And populationcontrol, PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT DESPITE PROPER USE OF CONDOMS. It doesn't mean she's a slut. You cannot assume that. Even if she didn't use condoms, you still cannot call her a slut. It's a simple situation of "rubber on" or "rubber off". It is not a person's status in the world.

Sick.. oh god so sick.. :(
emo i didnt think anyone would actually read my rambles.

thanks to all for responding.
nomatter whenever I'm having a down day, I cuddle up with my little Hugo. It's so comforting. 031003
Aimee wow... I can't even imagine how that must have felt for you. There were times I considering an abortion, but I knew I would love my baby too much, and would be far too frightened to go through with it. I admire your strength, and hope that the pain has dissipated some. I know I wasn't ready for a baby, but I wouldn't trade him for the world... I bought him a puppy before he was born so I'd have some practice.. 031004
ferret mmm. nothing i can say that would be as dramatic and beautiful and sickening and blah and emotional as that story. so i'll leave it at that 031005
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