200_motels god in transit 1. I'm Stealing The Towels 200 Motels 200 Motels Han toon ran toon Ran-tant-ta-dan 200 Motels JEFF: I'm stealing the towels! 2. Dental Hygiene Dilemma BAD CONSCIENCE: Han min noon toon han toon han GOOD CONSCIENCE: No, Jeff! BAD CONSCIENCE: Han toon ran toon ran toon fran min han toon ran toon nan toon fram GOOD CONSCIENCE: No no no! JEFF: Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own TV with words of peace, love, and eternal cosmic wisdom . . . ! Leading me. Guiding me. On paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence, in the very midst of my drug-induced nocturnal emission. GOOD CONSCIENCE: Oh, I am your good conscience, Jeff. I know all. I see all. I am a cosmic love pulse matrix, become a technicolor interpositive! JEFF: Okay . . . Where'd you buy that incense? It's hip. GOOD CONSCIENCE: It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what the Beatles get off on. JEFF: I thought I recognized it . . . Sniff, sniff . . . Mmm, what is that, MUSK? Sniff, sniff, sniff . . . mmmh! GOOD CONSCIENCE: Jeff, I know what's good for you. JEFF: Right. You're heavy. GOOD CONSCIENCE: Yes, Jeff, I am your guiding light. Listen to me. Don't rip off the towels, Jeff! BAD CONSCIENCE: Piss off, you little nitwit! JEFF: Hey man, what's the deal? GOOD CONSCIENCE: Don't listen to him, Jeff, he's no good. He'll make you do BAD THINGS! JEFF: You mean, he'll make me sin? GOOD CONSCIENCE: Yes, Jeff. SIN! JEFF: Wow! BAD CONSCIENCE: Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you . . . about your soul. GOOD CONSCIENCE: No, don't listen, Jeff. BAD CONSCIENCE: Why are you wasting your life, night after night playing this comedy music? JEFF: You're right, I'm too heavy to be in this group. GOOD CONSCIENCE: Comedy music . . . BAD CONSCIENCE: Jeff, YOUR SOUL! Oh . . . He's Too heavy to Be . . . JEFF: In this group, all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music. HE EATS! GOOD CONSCIENCE: Jeff! JEFF: I get so tense! BAD CONSCIENCE: Of course you do, my boy. JEFF: The stuff he makes me do is always off the wall! BAD CONSCIENCE: That's why it would be best to leave his stern employ. JEFF: And quit the group! BAD CONSCIENCE: You'll make it big! JEFF: That's right. BAD CONSCIENCE: Of course! JEFF: And then I won't be SMALL! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ti-diddly-diddly-dee Ha, ha, ha . . . He-he-he-he-heh! JEFF: Cough, cough. Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bathmat six weeks ago at a rancid motel in Orlando, Florida, with the highest MILDEW rating of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits of the United States, naturally excluding tropical possessions . . . It's still damp. What an aroma! This is the best I ever got off! What can I say about this elixir? Try it on steaks! Cleans nylons! Small craft warnings! It's made for the home! The office! On fruits! BAD CONSCIENCE: This is the real you, Jeff. Rip off a few more ashtrays. Get rid of some of that inner tension. Quit the comedy group! Get your own group together. Heavy! Like GRAND FUNK! Or BLACK SABBATH . . . GOOD CONSCIENCE: No, Jeff . . . JEFF: Like COVEN! GOOD CONSCIENCE: Peace . . . Love . . . BAD CONSCIENCE: Bollocks! JEFF: What can I say about this elixir? MARK: Jeff has gone out there on that stuff! BAD CONSCIENCE: He should have never have used the elixir and only stuck to the incense. Oh, Atlantis . . . MARK: That was BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, dressed up like Donovan, fading out on the wall-mounted TV screen. Jeff IS flipping out. Road fatigue! We've got to get him back to normal before Zappa finds out, and steals it, and makes him do it in the movie! BAD CONSCIENCE: You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy, Just GET OUT OF THIS GROUP! MARK: Howard, that was Studebacher Hoch, dressed up like Jim Pons, giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group. Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension. HOWARD: Jeff, Jeff, it's me, the Phlorescent Leech! MARK: Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie! WOWWWW! WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THIS ELIXIR! MARK (right channel): Put it on your steaks, uh, send it overseas, [...] ground, and put it on you surfboard so you won't slip off. Try it on your [Jim Bean Boy], and on the, the red balloons, you can blow up all balloons with it. Put it on your . . . heh . . . on . . . on your pizza. Put it on your shoes, tie your mic with it, and fill up your tires with it. HOWARD (center): Use it to clean your swimming pool, sell it to your mother and tell her it's a Rit tie-dye kit, you won't even believe what'll happen when you starch your shirt with it, ironing goes easier and your car windows never looked better in your whole life. Ladies and gentlemen, you can inhale it, and it makes your voice three keys higher, and you can't even stand what happens when you put it on your hair, as hair tonic. Heh, heh. And if you ever tried it as a . . . JIM PONS (left channel): Soak your shirts in it, soak your teeth in it. Let it play the piano. Follow it around the block. Wear it instead of jeans. Bathe your puppies with it. Feed it to your ducks. Use it instead of chlorine in your swimming pool. Breathe it. Love it. What? WOWWWWWW! What can I? WOWWWWWW! What? What can I say about this? WOWWWWWW! 3. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? Dee-goo-pee-oo-poo Ta-dan! BAD CONSCIENCE: Does this kind of life look interesting to you? Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen. Thrill-packed, fun-filled evenings on the French Riviera at the MIDEM convention. A big tie, the whole bit. Watch Mutt eat, and Leon feed the geese. One thousand green business cards, with your name and the wrong address. Plus six royalty statements, inspected and customized by ran toon tan han toon frammet and dee. Followed by twelve potential suicides as the members of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect unemployment. A dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice with your own record company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner office, Ona's tits, and a three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon. Does this kind of life look interesting to you? As a big rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group? Hunna hunna hunna 200 Motels 200 Motels Ran toon han toon Han-toon-hannnnnn! 200 Motels JEFF: I'm stealing the room! I'm stealing the room! I'm stealing the room! Stealing the room Stealing the Stealing the room (Stealing the room) I'm I'm (Stealing) Stealing Stealing I'm I'm Stealing 4. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? She's such a dignified lady She's so pretty and soft You can't call her a groupie It just pisses her off (Yeah) She got diamonds and jewelry She got lotsa new clothes She ain't hurtin' nobody So that everyone knows That she knows what she wants Knows what she likes Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh! Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh! Daddy, daddy, daddy Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you She left her place after midnight (La la la la la) She drove to the club (La la la la-ee-ah!) You know that her and her partner (La la la la la) Came here lookin' for love (La la la la-ee-ah!) They want a guy from a group (La la la la la) Who's got a thing in a charts (La la la la-ee-ah!) IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER They will give him their hearts 'Cause they know what they want ([...] they know about it) And they know what they like Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh! Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh! Daddy, daddy, daddy Look out . . . they got their eyes on you FAM-BAM-YAK-A-TA-TAHHH! They know what they want They know what they like Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh! Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh! Daddy, daddy, daddy Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night (La la la la la) Screamin' all night Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? (Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?) It's a hip thing! (Ooh!) Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? (Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?) [...] (Ooh!) Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? (Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?) It's a Chevy! (Ooh!) Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? (Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?) You're a big gun! (Ooh!) Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car? (Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?) ['Cause they're dancin'!] (Ooh!) Ooo-ooo . . . 5. Penis Dimension Playground Psychotics Penis dimension Penis dimension Penis dimension is worrying me I can't hardly sleep at night 'Cause of penis dimension Do you worry? Do you worry a lot? No! Do you worry? Do you worry and moan . . . That the size of your cock is not monstruous enough? It's your penis dimension! Penis dimension! HOWARD: Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah MARK: Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A jesuit monk HOWARD?: [...] MARK: A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, may become writers of hot books HOWARD: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim." MARK: Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns! HOWARD: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha! MARK: Ooh, or racehorse jockeys. There is no reason why you, or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough, without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD! HOWARD: Right on, right on! MARK: Now, if your a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school: MARK & HOWARD: ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED! YES! MARK: And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and looks you up and down and he says, uh . . . HOWARD: Eight inches or less? MARK: Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right between the eyes, and you got to tell him these words: 6. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning What will this evening Bring me this morning? What will this evening Bring me this morning? Dawn will arrive Without any warning What will I say The next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (If things go right!) What will I say The next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (Will she be outa-site?) What will this evening Bring me this morning? What will this evening Bring me this morning? A succulent fat one A mod little flat one Maybe a hot one (to give me the clap!) Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) If things go right! (If things go right!) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) Will she be outa-site? (Will she be outa-site?) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) If things go right! (If things go right!) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) Will she be outa-site? (Will she be outa-site?) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) If things go right! (If things go right!) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) Will she be outa-site? (Will she be outa-site?) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) If things go right! (If things go right!) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) Will she be outa-site? (Will she be outa-site?) What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? (What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?) If things go right! (If things go right!) What will I say the next day . . . 7. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes Why don't you strap on this here bunch Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o? Joy of my desiring You certainly look suave and get me hot Hot, hot, get me hot and Horny (Ow!) If there's one thing I really get off on (Yay!) It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes Some old melodies 4/4 An aura An areola Pink gums Stumpy gray teeth Dental floss Gets me hot Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie 8. Magic Fingers 200 Motels You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 6 Ooh, the way you love me, lady, I get so hard now I could die Ooh, the way you love me, sugar, I get so hard now I could die Open up your pocketbook, Get another quarter out, Drop it in the meter, mama And try me on for size Open up your pocketbook, Get another quarter out, Drop it in the meter, mama And try me on for size Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby, Red balloons just pop behind my eyes Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl, Red balloons just pop behind my eyes Open up your pocketbook, Get another quarter out, Drop it in the meter, mama And try me on for size Open up your pocketbook, Get another quarter out, Drop it in the meter, mama And try me on for size MARK: Oh, do you really wanna please me? HOWARD: You know I do, baby MARK: Well, tell me why you do it I really wanna know HOWARD: Oh, no, no, I wouldn't be right For me to tell you tonight MARK: You better tell me right away Or I pack up and go! HOWARD: Don't get mad It ain't no big thing MARK: You better tell me right away, Don't you treat me cold HOWARD: HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT! Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd . . . I'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this . . . plastic hotel room and . . . rip you off for spare change to run a . . . to run a vibrating machine attached to this queen-size, bulk-purchase, kapok-infested, do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and . . . and make you take off all your little clothes . . . until you are nearly STARK RAVING NUDE! (Save for your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thong Peace Medallion, heh . . . ) And make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving . . . a plastic chair and . . . an old guitar strap while I . . . did a wee-wee in your hair and . . . beat you with a pair of tennis shoes . . . I got from Jeff Beck 9. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch 10. Dew On The Newts We Got Dew On the newts we got Newt money dew It's a payment on the rental for the dewy little Newts we got We got 'em dewy Left 'em in the yard all night Hope they didn't get uptight The little vixens The saucy little vixens I hope they didn't get pissed off I hope That they did not Did not I hope That they did not Dash off Into the night 11. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts The lad searches the night for his newts 12. The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth MALE TENOR: The girl wants to fix him some broth. FEMALE SOPRANO: Tinselcock! CHORUS: Doo-wee-oo Tinselcock, my baby FEMALE SOPRANO: Would you like some broth? MALE TENOR: Some nice soup FEMALE SOPRANO: Some hot broth? MALE TENOR: Small dogs in it FEMALE SOPRANO: Yooooouuuu . . . Do you? MALE TENOR: You like broth? Dog broth? FEMALE SOPRANO: Hot broth? MALE TENOR: You like dog broth hot? FEMALE SOPRANO: Hot dogs debris MALE TENOR: How do you like it? Debris of the four styles of it? Debris broth breath And the ever popular hygienic European version Tinselcock! CHORUS: Tinselcock! MALE TENOR: Which do you choose? 13. The Girl's Dream The girl, in a statement to the press, explains . . . 14. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce Broth reminds me of nuns (Munch . . . kin) I see them smashing with rulers Disciplining munchkin cretins (Munchkin cretins) Tortured munchkins (Munchkin cretins) Tortured munchkins Irish Catholic victims Little green scratchy sweaters (Sweaters) Little green scratchy ones (Courduroy ponce) And courduroy ponce Courduroy ponce Aand green scratchy munchkin Irish Catholic victims (Munch-kins Munch-a-kins) Munchkins get me hot Munchkins get me, get me hot Hot! Gets her real hot 15. Strictly Genteel Orchestral Favorites You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 6 London Symphony Orchestra Vol. II Strictly Genteel Make A Jazz Noise Here THEODORE BIKEL: This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you, and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie, it's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you and care about you, yeah . . . Understand how hard it is to laugh these days, with all the terrible problems in the world! Lord, have mercy on the people in England For the terrible food these people must eat (Errrr . . . excuse me) And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie And God bless the mind of the man in the street Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen Through the terrible functions they all must perform God help the winos, the junkies, and the weirdos And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm. Help everybody, so they all get some action Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction A room and a meal And a garbage disposal A lawn and a hose'll Be strictly genteel Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book The girl in the pig book, and the one with the horse Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy And the purple-lipped censors and the Germans of course Help everybody, so they all get some action Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction A Swedish apparatus With a hood and a bludgeon With a microwave oven "Honey, how do it feel?" Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots And the dykes and the weird little children they grow Help the black man Help the poor man Help the milk man Help the door man Help the lonely, neglected old farts that I know THEODORE BIKEL: It's been swell havin' you with us tonight, folks! MARK: But, don't leave the theater yet, 'cause there's still more to come, but before we go on, I want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, Howard Kaylan, who's going to give us all a final closing benediction The Finale You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 6 They're gonna clear out the studio They're gonna tear down all the . . . They're gonna whip down all the . . . They're gonna sweep out all the . . . They're gonna pay off all the . . . (Oh, yeah!) And then . . . And then . . . And then . . . And then . . . Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus Come on now, every one of our lovely and talented dancers Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men Camera men The make-up men (The fake-up men) Yeah, the rake-up men (Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah . . .) They're all gonna rise up They're gonna jump up I said jump up Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor Jump right up and hit the door They're all gonna rise up and jump off! They're gonna ride on home They're gonna ride on home They're gonna ride on home They're gonna ride on home And once again Take themselves Seriously, yeeeah! Two, three, four, seriously They're all gonna go home (ye-hey!) Through the driving sleet and rain They're all gonna go home Through the fog, through the dust Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost They're all gonna go home And get out of it as they can be, baby And the same goes for me (The same goes for me) Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way Is gonna get out of it as he can be We all gonna get wasted We all gonna get twisted We all gonna get wasted We all gonna get twisted And I am definitely gonna get . . . REAMED 'Cause I'm such a lonely I'm such a lonely A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy! Oh, and I know tonight, I am definitely . . . I am positively . . . I just have to get . . . BENT, REAMED AND WASTED JCB: A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey! HOWARD: He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for him. You noticed, all through this material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. HE is over there. HE is over on the left. HE is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there. Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right? You saw it . . . you know. Well that's 'cause HE's over there. I've got to watch him for signs. He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't even believe the guy sometimes. But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said, "it's Frank's movie." Now, we're THE MOTHERS, but it's still Frank's movie. Let's say it, he got to paid for it, he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets built . . . it's so moche! I can't even stand it . . . He's telling everybody, right now, right over there, to . . . 200 MOTELS PROMOTIONAL RADIO SPOTS: 16. Cut 1 "Coming Soon!..." Coming! Soon! To a theater or drive-in near you . . . Frank Zappa's incredible epic 200 MOTELS! See the Mothers of Invention! See Theodore Bikel! See Ringo Starr! See Keith Moon! Romance! Hot beats! Romance! Ah-hoo! Hot beats! Romance! Mystery! (You gotta show 'em funny cars, man) (Ah-hoo!) Funny cars! Help everybody, so they all get some action Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction That's right, you heard right Frank Zappa's 200 Motels With the Mothers of Invention Theodore Bikel And Ringo Starr 200 Motels A United Artists release rated 'R' Under seventeen admitted with parent 17. CUT 2 "The Wide Screen Erupts..." Murakami Wolf/Bizarre productions present: 200 Motels The Wide Screen erupts with absurdities, explodes with spine tingling psychological terror. The mere human mind buggles at the philosophical implications as FRANK ZAPPA'S 200 MOTELS is unleashed in the totality of its pagan splendor. Its primordial fury. Star-studded cast . . . And everything That's right, you heard right Frank Zappa's 200 Motels With the Mothers of Invention Theodore Bikel And Ringo Starr 200 Motels A United Artists release rated 'R' Under seventeen admitted with parent 18. CUT 3 "Coming Soon!..." Coming! Soon! To a theater or drive-in near you! Frank Zappa's epic motion picture 200 Motels! See the Mothers of Invention! See Theodore Bikel! See Ringo Starr! See Keith Moon! See groupies and weirdos beyond your wildest expectations! 200 Motels, you can't believe the expense The lavishness The romance The intrigue The mystery The ah-ooh, 200 Motels Coming soon to a theater or drive-in near you A United Artists release rated 'R' Under seventeen admitted with parent 19. CUT 4 "Frank Zappa's 200 Motels..." 200 Motels Frank Zappa's 200 Motels! A United Artists release rated 'R' Under seventeen admitted with parent fz 010728 ... god munchkin 010805 what's it to you? who go blather from