h_ello_misstree endless desire hi 031008 ... misstree *grin* 'ello 031008 ... endless desire that's what i was trying to do. i love saying hello like that. . . but i dont know how to spell it online so i always write ello. and no one understands. anyways, you were online. hi why did you choose your name? 031008 ... misstree i always think of the worm in labyrinth. :) well, tree came from a long time ago in a theater far far away, when i used to go to the rocky_horror_picture_show and i told a number of bad jokes about trees, and there were a buncha people there with names that sounded like mine (carrie, mary, larry, etc.), so one day someone was trying to get my attention across the lobby, screaming my name, until they finally just yelled, "tree!" and i was like, "huh? what?" and it kinda stuck. it's fitting in weird ways that i discover and rediscover every day. misstree just kinda happened because i needed to expand it for a netname, and miss seemed nice and unassuming (as opposed to Lady Insertubergothnamehere), and i was entertained by the play on words (mystery, misstree, ha ha, yeah. ahem.), especially since i spend so much time running around confusing people. i believe you mentioned the meaning behind your name once, or else it was just an association or i'm hallucinating again. i like noting who's about at different times during my workday (see what_time_zone_are_you_in), and i gotta say i was tickled pink to see this shot across the aether in my direction. :) and i've just got one question for you, and if you give me a pap answer i'll beat you with a rolled-up newspaper. how are you? 031008 ... endless desire to save you the time (where_did_you_get_your_sn_from): i got my name from a quote "Longing, we say, because desire is full of endless distances." --Robert Hass it's one of my favourites it rings true on so many levels. longing. it just kills me besides, i liked the sound of endless_desire. i never meant to keep it. i just needed one for one day and it stuck. and how am i? i hate cheap answers to that question. people always say "good." or "fine" whether or not they actually are. im not good or fine but quite unhappy. im trying to be positive and im trying to help myself but im honestly just very depressed and unhappy. . .and nothing seems to make me feel any better. and i have trouble finding anything i even enjoy anymore. im so hard on myself and i get so critical. . .and now im just terribly unhappy. yet strangely ok. im still ok. still functioning. still living. funny how life goes. you seem to be online when i am a lot so i finally thought i'd say hi. i never understood the whole miss tree. i always thought it was misstree like if you missed a train. . . .you missed a tree when it was running past you. but i like the whole mystery thing. you are mystery because, while ive seen your postings on blather many times, i dont know very much about you at all. who is misstree? hmmm but the real question is not who, but how is misstree? 031008 ... misstree i wish i had some non-pap answer to your discontent, and i can imagine the nasty look you'd give the 'puter screen if i said "don't worry, it'll get better," so i'll refrain, because i know that it's a pretty much useless pat on the back. i will say, though, that endurance is the right track, that enduring shite is what really shapes us, if we were happy all the time we'd be fucking smurfs; suffering and adversity, even if it's just internal depression or anger or malaise, is what buys you the really valuable mental components in life. the best thing i can say is keep enduring. it's like walking through a snowstorm; just keep shoving your feet forward, keep your head ducked into the wind, and as long as you do that then hurl whatever bitter epithets you want at the weather, hate the cold as much as you want, curse every ounce of nature you can think of, but while you do it keep your feet going. i get a lot of people not clicking the whole miss tree thing. that's fine by me, as it adds the the confusion in the world, and the one thing that i don't like about the name is that it signifies my gender, but it entertains me every time. :) a rough sketch of who i am could be drawn from these pages, but i don't know that even i would be patient enough to wade through it. i'm tree. that about sums it up. *grin* and how is misstree, hmm... doing rather well, for the most part... there have been some rough spots lately, and about a week and a half ago i was convinced i was heading for a really nasty mental/emotional gaping abyss, but i managed to yank the reigns enough to just send me back into the weird (a skill gained from lots of practice)... and the weird is treating me well... i've had a general contentment going for long enough that it's more a personality trait than a mood, hard-core pacifism is difficult but good for me, and very interesting to observe, and will have positive echos even after i'm back to being as belligerent as i please... aside from the underlying boredom (which is a bigger enemy than it sounds), i really am doing well. okay, so i do have one set of words that may help: part of the reason i'm so damnably content all the time is because i make a conscious effort to enjoy the little things. the sound of leaves rustling makes me happy. seeing a butterfly makes me happy. interesting quotes (and i love the one that originated your name) make me happy. eating good food, getting gussied up once a week, dancing to a good song (in a club or my bedroom), petting a kittun, hearing a funny joke, all of these things make me happy, and i throw myself into letting them make me happy, not letting any jaded fingers pluck them apart or reduce them to trifles. if i tried, i could draw lines between this and living simply, but i *really* need to do some work before i go home for the day, so i'm going to actually close the explorer window, toss in some dead_kennedys, and go ballistic for a half hour. shite. fifteen minutes. either way... 031008 ... stork daddy pacifism? does that mean you won't fight me? even if i like it? 031008 ... misstree in 9.5 days i'd be more than happy to, and i'll prolly have enough pent up that i'd give you the most delightful ass-whoopin'. but at the moment, yeah, my 17 day pacifism means i can't show *any* signs of agression (even to the point of disallowing myself from playfully poking at people, as it is an aggressive act), nor can i be loud or belligerent to people (tho i've been the worst at this, as i had to vent a few words when i left the club last nite), and, the really tough one, is celibacy. even the lustful thoughts are being shoved into boxes to wait until this is over. 031008 ... stork daddy that means even if we were to have a fight (which we can't apparently) there'd be no passive agressive concilliatory rutting afterwards? i don't know why you're doing this to yourself, but i hope it's worth it. 031008 ... misstree so that i can properly enjoy the passive aggressive rutting (or brutal anonymous fuck as the case may be) and violence in all of its wonderful forms (though i try to stick to the consensual ones) when the time comes. now, i'm not sure how all this would hold up if the proper notsogentle sweemeat came knocking on my door, but that's because it'd be a crime to turn away such an opportunity. 031008 ... stork daddy oh passive agressive rutting should always be consensual. but as your experiment may show you, sometimes people resent the things they need. it's a tension that keeps us between slavery and belonging. it's we who draw distinctions! this cryptic analysis of blather was brought to you by 031008 ... pipedream little things are the happiest things, and the more oftener happinesses. how often does a hugeamongous happiness happen anyway that people keep waiting to be supremely happied i don't understand...leaves and butterflies make me happy too, and im getting 'gussied up' this weekend all nice and proper so i'm happy, even though i've lost five pounds in the last week because of what i think i can attribute to my stomach bug and p'raps university stress, but mostly tummy methinks. and yes, before i forget- 'ello :) 031008 ... endless desire 17 days, eh? seems entertaining enough. though, i don't fully understand why. what do you do (for work)? i'd say "for a living" but not everyone can make a living from their job. 031008 ... endless desire occupation. i should have said occupation. 031008 ... misstree daddy-o, i keep all my rutting consensual, including being aware of factors that would make a person do something they'd regret (intoxication, peer pressure, whatever) because i don't want them to have any excuse to resent it afterwards. also, such self-harming duplicites are indicative of a brain out of whack with itself (and traveling to the region of Thud), and they are usually sniffed out and ejected before anything truly interesting happens, be it bumping uglies or taking a blender to the brain. it's the old ultraviolence that sometimes causes me problems, between temper and the occasionally held belief that some people just need a good beat-down. my interpretaion of the rest of your cryptic analysis is in agreement, though. let us proceed according to plan; did you bring that grapping hook? pipedream: precisely. :) i think too many people lose that fact, and that's why we have luxury cars and billion dollar movies and crapola that's supposed to make us happy but often fails. endless desire: if you're asking why 17, it seemed the most convenient mystical number, and it felt right. if you're asking whyfor i am temporary pacifist, well, sitting on the pile of crap i really want to get around to writing about is a deeper dissertation on that, but some of the answers can be found at misstree's_rambling_corner. as far as what type of service i whore myself out to on a daily basis to provide myself with basic creature comforts (which does indeed provide me with a living, and it does indeed occupy me), right now i process claims at a major insurance company. it's kind of like assembly line computing, pushing things out the door, but it takes some brains and i get to slack and blather and such, so it's, well, it's just kind of there. the past has also found me waitressing, bartending, telemarketing, assembling cell phone batteries, taking orders for wholesale upholstery fabric (which was awesome), cashiering at an auto dealership, bookkeeping for a locksmith shop, various temp jobs, typesetting at a publishing place (also fun), working retail toys at christmastime, aaaaaaand, minor office temp jobs. i think that's it. speaking of processing claims.... *zoom!* 031009 ... minnesota_chris HI! I just wanted to add, besides that important syllable, that you weren't being mean at the bar, to the loserboy. You're not obliged to talk to anyone, or drink their beer, or drive them home. Miss Manners would agree with me (I love her, if she would, I'd marry her 65 year old self) Um, that ended up in a strange place. 031009 ... endless desire what's been the worst job of them all? 031009 ... misstree hi chris! *grin* i don't know whether i agree with you or not... i definitely see your point, but there were a couple of times that i just put little manipulative subversive digs into the conversation... plus, instead of just saying flat out, hey bugger off, i purposely obscured things in ways that would cause maximum mental damage... *plus*, while miss manners may say i'm not obligated to do shit, miss eris and i have agreed that i'll pay her lip service if she'll stop smacking me (a long held arrangement), so while i had no obligation to him, i did have an obligation to myself... of course, that could just be a load of crap, and i think it half is, because even with all that said i still don't know if i disagree with you. the dissenting voice is much appreciated, though. but never, ever, ever again, instill the mental image of *any* blatherskite mixing intimately with a nude hag, ever ever again. (i don't care if miss manners is a hottie, my brain has been tinted by unspeakable haggy horrors, so in my mind she's 90 and everything looks like it's either puckering or melting.) the worst was telemarketing. i've done it three times, never for more than a month. i Hate calling people, interrupting them, and trying to give them something they don't want. the only time it was bearable was when i was doing technical surveys, talking to engineers about what kinds of equipment they use so they could continue a free subscription, and that was *just* bearable. though i was very entertained that, while i was doing that, the other half of the room was making calls to mail info packets on bel-tone hearing aids. think about that one a second. second worst was one i forgot about, cashiering at a gas station. it woulda been fine, except that they served fried chicken. i promised myself when i was 16 that i would never work fast food, and vats of grease kinda brings it to that category. i worked there a week. i also forgot that i've worked under the table doing janitorial work with a good friend, and i helped an asshole ex-hippie build an office in a warehouse where he would work on fiberglass boats in new_orleans, getting paid in bologney sammitches and cheap cigarettes. i learned a lot of neat little things doing that, but at the end i just wanted to snap and kill the creep, and i determined that i could make less money for less stress by just doing street poetry (though i'd been doing it on the side for gas money and such.) 031009 ... endless desire i volunteered for a few weeks calling people and asking them to vote for such and such proposition. it had to do with giving more money to community colleges. i actually had a lot of fun doing it. i met so many different people and earned a lot of community service hours. the best part was the free food though. i remember eating this one asian dish that had some sort of pepper in it. i dont exactly have any sort of tolerance for spicy foods. i thought my throat had caught fire. it was terrible. the calling was great. i got to tell them all about the proposition and answer questions. in the end, it passed. we were all screaming and dancing around. i even got to attend this dinner in honor of the proposition and the people who worked and things. man. good times. 031009 ... misstree YAY! yayayayayayaaaay! that sounds incredibly awesome, *plus* you got to make a difference! w00t! 031009 ... Death of a Rose 'ello.....might as well keep that tradition up.... endless desire, damn woman where have you been all my lives. Despair is real but can be beaten. I'm your male anguissette (damn I hope I spelled that right). 031009 ... pipedream anguisette...oooo what a WORD! *mouths it a few times* gorgeous, j'adore! whaddit mean, EXACTLY? there's this bit from pickwick papers or something by dickens, about a chappie talking about the words little girls should say often, because they give a lovely shape to the lips when they're said...prune, for instance, or papa...anguisette joins the ranks! 031009 ... voice from the future misstree is a bitter, crazy old woman with an army of feral cats just waiting for her to drop dead. 031009 ... realistic optimist oooh, if you pronounce it all french-like, it is ayngweeezettuh, which leaves the mouth all pouty. yummeh! ;) 031009 ... Death of a Rose Anguissette was taken from a book I read, "Kushiels Dart" by Jaqueline Carey (I hope I'm remembering this correctly). I'll try to condense it for you. An anguissette is woman or man who can only truly be a receiver of pain. Pain gives them release, pain gives them redemption. 031010 ... ed./d//d/d HIIIIII! 040505 ... Death of a Rose You still haven't answered my question Misstree. Have you pondered enough upon your pedastel? 040826 ... misstree which question what? 040826 ... Doar on the ask_mistree blathe. 040827 ... mt you mean ask_misstree? right on top of that, rose... in a bit, anyhow... 040827 ... Death of a Rose yeah....that's the one my dark_angel 040828 what's it to you? who go blather from