ask_ashmanzhou User24 what's your life story, feel free to tell me to mind my own business 031012 ... as above oh, and what's your name mean?, it's intrigued me for some time.. 031012 ... oE be wary gentlemen..stand at the very edges of the ring of fire..or let your muscled hearts be rended once you venture into this tale of harrow..I'm just saying.. i have scratched at that door..and been awed and had this obdurate sandpaper soul reduced to tears..i sought out ash's story..the seed of her sorrow, her state..and even those few adumbrative evocations ended all pretension of the intimacy i thought i had with desolations desperate dripping maw..bedlam oh such throttling bedlam taunted me from the edges..maketh my mind a maelstrom and marry me to madness those few guarded whispers seemed to say to me.. go easy ash..or perhaps i am too naked, too tender to be an audience to incarnate obliteration of a soul maybe..and then maybe i know nothing of what i speak..perhaps..the thread of truth lies somewhere in between my raptures of sweet desolation..my execrations and epiphanies hewn and hurled out of and into the dark..paint me a midnight shade..please..so that i might not be so..naked..in this Light..Child of Blight.. geez i get so carried away sometimes..my apologies U-24 and ash for treading into this space.. 031012 ... oldephebe been listening to Sarah MacLauphlins new song.."Fallen"..my God how she unwinds me..i wonder sometimes why my soul is shaped so funny, so softly... ... 031012 ... Death of a Rose Don't apologize.....there will be no apologizing....keep it going.....dump here where recycling can turn your words and works into butterflies. Ooops....ask ashmanzhou....hmmm..are we busting you outta the joint. 031012 ... jane did you get my address 031012 ... ashmanzhou mind youre own goddamn business indeed i was born in northern china not sure what day before 18th april 1986 and adopted in july 1990 i dont remember my parents i never saw them i was in an orphanage nice childhood good fun and all my parents always made a fact that i was adopted like i had to work harder because of it i was school captain in my primary school i went to a different high school from all of my friends i resented my parents for that in the middle of year 9 when i was 15 we moved across town and i went to another school because we adopted a sister she is from vietnam i had to make friends again and i met emma shortly after that i got my stomach pumped after a party my dad went absolutely crazy at that that year i failed four subjects and got suspended twice the next year i pulled myself together enough to pass with reasonable grades that december was bad though it started when i got a letter from the college my parents wanted me to go to i got rejected i then raided my dads liquer cabinet because i had no money to buy for the end of year party he found out and went crazy and banned me from going out 'ever again' the next weekend was emma's eighteenth party we had been planning it for weeks i called her up but my dad had already rung around and she knew she hated me for that i hated myself for that i had no life left so three days later i waited until my parents went out to a luncheon for a wedding and my sister was on an excursion with the church youth group smashed one of my dads razors apart and tried to kill myself i had everything planned i had done everything right emma came around she had a key i gave her she wanted to make peace with me she heard me scream she came in and found me wrapped me up in towels called everyone she could think of ambulence police my dad my mother her mother who was a doctor you would have thought id been murdered all i can remember is my dad saying he was sorry and wondering why everyone crying around me and i couldnt see emma never saw me again her mother never let her visit me i saw her much later but she didnt look my way spent christmas in hospital doped up had three operations two on both eyes and another on my left i regained my sight early this february i never liked what i saw for three weeks they never let me see a mirror my sister never knew what happened to me she never really knew me she was too young i always wanted to love her i went to where i am which is fine despite what i may say it is a retreat centre where rich people send the daughters they can never understand most have criminal records and come straight from hospital from failed suicides or the like or from juvinile detention i go to recession twice a day and see a psychiatrist whenever then emma killed herself from what i know same as me she waited til her arents went out had most of a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of her mothers sleeping pills while her parents were out there had just been a suicide at another school it made front page and tv she made bottom of page twenty four she wasnt loved by anyone she had a tiny funeral her mother told my father i wasnt invited my father told the mistress here to keep me away and keep it a secret from me she was cremated stuck below a little brass plaque in the grass not worthy of her i was the only one to leave flowers last week i went there i broke my arm riding a horse and refractured it again at work which sucks but i have money now when i go out at day i keep a cap low on my face my collar raised i never go out much like i used to i have lost ten kilograms since i came out of hospital i am anaemic i suffer from occasional lapses of scleral blindness and will get another operation three days after christmas my name comes from my name (ashley) shortened to how everyone always called me (ash) please dont call me ash though and manzhou (or men-zheng if you want to be traditional) he is a brave man who spends his life looking for the gate to heaven so he could be reunited with his wife but the bad guy tricks him and he goes into the gates of hell instead he sells his spirit for one last glance at his family but he is tricked again and his family are brought down to suffer in hell as well but he never sees them so in the end he realises too late and suffers for eternity etc i did get the address i live a few thousand kilometres away and they dont let us make long distance phone calls without parental consent thanks heaps though i have to go typing with one hand is really slow and i have to take my painkiller 031013 ... Death of a Rose ashley,where are you, whats the address to this place? Do they let you get letters and packages? Would you accept anything? 031013 ... p2 i second DoaR's inquiry, where_are_you? from the way you spelled calling_in_a_blather_favour you're probably in a british influenced country canada? australia? britain? well, i won't be going to any of those places any time soon but if i happen to find myself there it'd be nice to know i can look you up, eh? or at least send a card or something eye dunno 031013 ... oldephebe well ash I know you are in a place of pain, if you have read any of my posts to you, you know that i do not mean any ill will yowards you..my riffs in the above post are not a caricature of you or supposed to approximate you those are my responses to reading your remarkable revelations..i hope that you will continue on the road of wholeness and healing..because i realize you are speaking out of a place of wound and pain i will choose not to be offended or take your words personally..everyone here is hoping for your re-integration.. peace... peace.. 031013 ... ashmanzhou i dont lack anything maybe friends i never had them but not support i rather keep people i know at a distance i dont get involved in messy little details which detract from them i dont have to think of them as being anything like me you-all of you-are not like me we are not all perfect fallen angels some things are us and us alone 031013 ... blah-ze jesus. that makes all of my problems seem nigh on irrelevent. i understand about working in a supermarket... god, like a way to get you down. i feel your pain. be well. tell everyone to be nice or uncle blah-ze will rock into town and paintball the lot of 'em. allow five to ten months for me to earn enough for a plane ticket to whereever. hey, that's almost creepy. my birthday is on the 15/4/86. 031014 ... User24 I'm not sure what I can say now, I wish I had another question, but, for the moment, I don't. keep blathing. feels this is an inadequate response, sorry. 031014 ... monadh . 031014 ... Toxic_Kisses what are some of your intrests? Exampuls: stained glass, ocianography, logophilia or maybe even entomology 031014 ... pipedream what can i say...i am stunned beyond comprehension; i feel like such a whiny prat now..and i second 'phebes and also DoaR- can you get us an address? having something tangible other than a blue screen might make you feel better. and i don't want to sound presumptuous or whatever the words is but i genuinely want to tell you that we are your friends, we won't get into the messy bits but we're there. :) 031015 ... ashmanzhou whiny is usually what i get called here i probably am got yelled at why i havent been on for a while they found out i skipped recession and snuck into the rec room instead damn she was mad apparantly one of the girls announced that she was pregnant and the matron has to tell her parents so she took it out on me this is why i hate people took a leave pass after work today went to an internet cafe and got a half hour i ran out of sleeping pills about halfway through my time i was meant to have one not two because i weigh so little my new roommate smokes out the window it makes me want one like before except if i get caught ill get yelled at even worse and things are bad enough here 031019 ... pipedream nasty people yellin' at ashley...*shoots them an evil look* can we PLEASE have some kind of address? we'll all write to the evil yellers and tell them off and report them to AI :P 031020 ... ashmanzhou my day went from good to better i got my rights back to the rec room i went through recession without getting laughed at my psych appointment was cancelled my work was cancelled because of a store closure for a new floor my parents actually called me and i can come home on weekends and i got around to saying thankyou to everyone life is good 031021 ... nom ;) 031021 ... User24 is strangely pleased at this news. 031021 ... Death of a Rose :-) 031021 ... pipedream *has a big stupid smile on her face* 031021 ... ashmanzhou i was crying at work today and i dont know why people were walking past and looking at me and i just wanted to fade away i seest thou as if shaded staring somewhere at me i cannot meet your eyes thou should love me or hate me no inbetweens i want to know where i stand 031022 ... pipedream crying is good...lets out the ickies (i wish i could cry). yetserday a girl in my econ tutorial was crying, head buried in her arms, i wonder why- i hope she's all right. 031022 ... celestias shadow you're here and we love you 031026 ... pipedream *puts a little jar of misstree's potent joyous laughter puff-sparkles on ashley's bedside* just in case. 031026 ... ashmanzhou crying is bad worse than that horrible standing in the middle of a growing circle of people staring at me but not caring for me wondering why i cry and if they can leave without looking selfish and uncaring but they all are inside one of them even asked me if everything was ok then someone came and took me away not because they cared either but because i was making a scene sat me out the back for three minutes and then i was back to it lesson learned that day- noone cares unless they have to so crying nothing to the world great weekend went to my house-my house mind not where i live but my own proper house for the entire weekend my sister was out on an excursion for school its her birthday in two weeks and i got to sign her birthday card i stayed in my old room now its a guestroom and they took down all my posters but they left my clay sculpture i made in art way back when they remodelled the bathroom in clean white tile and extended it so it has a really big spa bath apart from that everything is the same the conversation was forced and i spent most of the time in my room today i even gave my dad a hug 031027 ... pipedream boy, these sparkles must be good stuff :D 031027 ... ashmanzhou we had a big thing going on here someone slashed her wrist while she was peeling potatoes and then pointed it at people and yelled at everyone to stay back and there was ambulences and police cars everywhere and then she dropped the knife and started crying i felt sick dinner was chinese takeaway or pizza and people were even joking someone should do it every day so now instead of rec room time we now go to counselling instead my councillor is my supervisor she expects me to talk to her for half an hour a day and i can barely manage five she thinks i should paint she asked me what i want for christmas i didnt know what to say 031031 ... pipedream ask for freedom. ask for hugs. ask for more rec room (read: blather) time. give us an address and we'll send you something for christmas! 031031 ... pipedream in fact, you can have *us* for christmas hehehe 031031 ... celestias shadow *wraps self and pipedream in a BIG box with a prettiful red bow* 031102 ... pipedream *tosses some special-edition christmas sparkles in a stick-EE stay (TM) cloud* around the box to complement the bow* very nice, celestias, gimme five! this'll be a christmas to remember! *celestias and pd slap palms as best as they can inside the box* *(cloud of sparkles that lingers cloudlike around the box in a misty sparkly halo, very pretty) 031102 ... ashmanzhou my arm hurts more today then it has ever before i slapped it on my lamp this morning i got my painkiller bottle here this sucks saw a show on tv tonight a man about to jump off a bridge some guy stops yells dont jump the other guy smiles the guy in the car asks if he is so and so he says yes he is the guy in the car says definitely not to jump until he gets friends and beer how is that funny the girl who cut her wrist is back all bandaged up and making jokes about it how is that funny this is crap im taking some more painkillers 031104 ... ashmanzhou two four six 031104 ... ashmnzou eleven fifteen sixteen thats the bottle gine 031104 ... ashmanzhou all funny now heh all so funny now 031104 ... concerned ... 031104 ... notme ?are you okay? (whatever okay is) 031115 ... oE yes..are you? okay? 040212 ... pipers i is worried for this one :/ 040212 ... nom moi aussi 040212 ... delial i've been wondering where you are for awhile now..and seeing this page, i'm really concerned... 040811 ... u24 over a year since you last appeared. i miss you. 041121 ... . my_life_in_15_years_time 050204 what's it to you? who go blather from