looking_back_i_should_have_ran_away Jane Doe My earliest memory that I can recall was chosing between two rocks that my dad had brought home. He had this tradition where he would go out on his horse joshua and ride out to the desert, which is a bit critical considering we lived in a desert, but "the desert" was the special place he would escape to, only on rare occasions he would allow me to come along. When I went with him he was sure to put some crackers in the hood of his sweatshirt, just for me. When he came back after hours of neglect, he would put two rocks on the kitchen table that he had found. By that time was usually covered in home made meals of breakfast at night: bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy, omeletts, hashbrowns. yea. My mom always cooked around the clock when dad was out, and we loved breakfast foods for dinner. My sister and I had rock collections that were inspired by my dad. He was wonderful. He was a genius. He had depression. Somedays he would stay home and worry my mom to death because he would stay in bed all day. He took a whole bottle of sleeping pills, that didn't work. He finally commited the act I can never forgive him for in our bathtub; ironicly, he got the shotgun from his dad's will. I was two; if he had stuck around a month and a day later he would have seen me turn three. and I saw him in the end. Mom was the adult to find him. I think a part of her is lost in that memory. She gave up the biggest part of herself to my dad, and now that he is gone, so is that part of her, whatever it may be. A man came to retile our bathroom and just give it that brand new sparkle. He was built. Strong. His name was Mark. He was a friend of my dads, and did the job for free. He tried to comfort my mom, and in those visits that were soon to become daily, he would hug her. grew to kiss her. They got engaged when I was five, my sister was eight. We even got to go to the mall to help my mom pick out a pretty engagement ring. What a nice man. The years went on and the christmas's we shared together were nice too. We placed cookies out for santa, and oats and carrots for the reindeer. When I was nine, my sister moved to live with my grandma for a summer, I forget why. Mom was upset because she had to lose a daughter for a little bit. Mark just wanted everyone to shut up. And I had just brought in a cat that I wanted to name Lucy. The neighbors cat had had kittens. Mark hit me in the back of my head. and it hurt. I dropped Lucy and she ran off, and I dropped to the floor. He kicked me and it hurt more. Mom watched, and let it happen. This man had the control in our family. My sister came back a few seasons later and everything went back to normal. I don't know if he ever hurt my sister the way that he hurt me. We never talk about it. I went out to go muck the stalls because it was my god given duty. Mark was already there sawing off a bit of hay to feed to joshua and angel. I don't know if Mark knew that joshua was my dad's, and I hated to watch him take care of "our" horse. I kept quiet because that was the thing to do, and started my chores. Just us two in the barn. Mark got mad because I don't know why. He was playing with horse shoes and he threw one at me when my back was turned. It hit me right below my neck and I routinly dropped to the floor. He came over to where I was sprawled. and kicked some hay around, me too. I don't know if that was the first time he ever punched me, but, he did that too. a lot. My arm was on a nail and it got shoved into me, not all the way, but, a big enough poke. He left me alone and stormed off to the house. Joshua woke me up because he was hungry. I ached and didn't really know what happened, but then again I rarely ever did. I fed joshua and went off to the house to sanitize my wound due to the nail. I shut myself in the bathroom, the same bathroom, and got some rubbing alcohol out and did my chores. I got straight A's and was in all the advanced classes that I could take, however, I didn't like to tell my friends that I was in those classes. I had a reputation at school as "the unapproachable girl." Steve and I were the "ideal couple." The classic. I didn't speak of my past with anyone because, who likes to wash their dirty laundry in public anyways? My grandma told me that saying once and I don't know, I guess I live by it. It was only the second year of highschool and my mom said she didn't want to be a mom anymore. She was drunk, yet again. She was stoned, yet again. I looked at her with disgust. The kind of look you give a four year old who picks their nose and then shakes your hand. My eyes were set on the prom queen of '76. This is what became of her. My sister had just left to go off to a college a few cities away and I was stuck there. Stuck. Mark had an idea. He suggested that him and I live in a hotel so mom could have a vacation in our house. I was given 10 minutes to get everything that I would need for the next 2 months. Done. That long drive out to god knows where and he stopped the car in front of one of those motels that looks clean on the outside, but you know it isn't really. I waited in the truck while he payed some guy for the room. I looked in the back of the truck and Mark's stuff was there. Had he planned it? He came back and told me to get out. We picked up our crap from the back and made the long way to "our room." He asked for one bed. Pervert. I plopped my box and suitcase in the corner and started making this my home sweet home. I went into the bathroom to change into my night things because it was night time and I had school in the morning. When I came out I was looking down on the ground, unaware. He took me by the arm and slammed my head into the wall next to the door to the bathroom, and punched me. He grabbed the breasts that had grown in over the few years and tried to kiss me and I tasted vodka. He told me that I was gorgeous. So fucking gorgeous. I did my best to push him off, but who can push off a full grown man at that age? He threw me into the corner by the bed and told me to do my homework. The rest of the night I did my homework while he watched some tv. Once my algebra 2 was done and I had completed writing my "attitude" paper for honors english 2, I crawled into the bed. Disgusted because I didn't know who had slept in that bed before me. We slept silently. I woke up and took a shower to get ready for school. Who joined me? None other than the beast himself. It was so fucking awkard and there was nothing I could do about it. He controled our family. I got out at once claiming that I was clean enough, and put some gel in my hair. Today was the day to wear it curly anyway. Put on some mascara that claimed it would make me beautiful. gathered my things and walked to a nearby friends house, asked for a ride to school, said that my car was having trouble starting. He noticed that my head was cut on the side, how could I have missed that? And asked me if everything was alright. I put up my facade and said, "but of course." Thank god this was my best guy friend and knows when I am lying. He said, so how's Mark? He knew. Maybe not all but, he knew who the creator of my marks were. He said, "Baby, if he ever does that again i'm pressing charges." And I said, "Ok, but trust me it was a one time thing, he was really drunk." and he said, "Ok." He gave me a ride to school. That's how it was for the next two months until we moved back in to "mom's" house. She had a secret she didn't tell. She had had an affair. Oh how nice. This man was Fred and basically became the new dad after the divorce. Mark got the boot, and I got a new dad. Too bad Mark caught up with me one day after school, a few weeks after their divorce, and said that if I knew what was good for me then I would get into his truck. He had a handgun, so I said, "Okay dad." I was thinking to myself, how did this guy stay out of jail? He bashed my head against the side window just like old times. "I love you, too." and he started making his way for me. I guess the one good thing that happened to me that day was that I lived in a small town, and a lot of people recognized his truck. Hey, she's not supposed to be with that dad anymore. He pulled into a quick-e-mart and went to get gas. I don't know how I got out of his truck by saying that I had to go with Michelle. She pulled up to the quick-e-mart to fill up her car. My savior. I hopped in and waved goodbye to daddy. Thanking Michelle for "stopping by." She dropped me off at my house and I was grateful. I went out back to feed joshua. Good horsie. When I went inside, I hugged my mom. and then I did my homework. Two years later and it's my senior year of highschool. it's all over now. I can almost move out on my own. Sorry for taking up so much space on blather. 040103 ... Doar don't worry about it. . 040103 ... whitechocolatewalrus i don't know what to say, so i'll just say, i read this. it was so frightful to read this. i'm glad you made it through. 040103 ... mon jane_doe, i'm not much good with words when i need them but i thought to tell you: please, i am sure most will agree, take as much blathe space as you need. this was painful to read but i am glad i read it all. your experience gives you a strength and others can learn from this. you are beautiful for surviving. 040103 ... ballsonaburner holy crap 040103 ... ballsonaburner did that really happen? 040103 ... blayde jane_doe, I read the whole thing (surprisingly) but once I started, I couldn't stop. If I could I'd give you a hug. 040103 ... unhinged there_are_no_words_here *blinks* when we are young, we think it is expected of us to let someone hurt us and make us feel like nothing. even when we grow up and learn better, it is hard to deny the people that were around when we didn't know any better. he was around when i didn't know any better. he liked to date girls about ten years younger than him because he thought it gave him the upper hand. i couldn't say no when i met him. but i was different when we started dating. i was different but it didn't matter because he thought of me a different way, subservient, and if i talked too much, didn't do what he said, he wanted to duct tape me to get me to shut up. he just wanted me to lay down next to him. and that was what he loved me for. and i should have known. the first incident years ago should have told me. but it made me happy for a time anyways. because that is my place; i like someone around to affirm my own inferiority complex. and i feel as if after the seriousness of this page i should say nothing about my relatively painless existence. it hurts me to think that i feel so sad when i haven't had to endure have the shit that others have. as he liked to so often remind me, i'm not the only one with problems in my life. there are so many kinds of abuse though. i sometimes wonder what makes the abused become abusers themselves and then there are the abused that become the complete opposite as a result. i stopped in the gas station that we went to together for coffee the other night. that reminds me of the way he wouldn't hold my hand the last time we drove in his car together. he is a cokehead again. before that was confirmed for me i knew it anyways; he was only mean to me when he was coked out. i want to call him. but he's a cokehead again. i made a resolution to not call. i don't know how long that will last. i don't like things to end this way. he said i was an emotional stalker. it is hard for me to walk away. i don't like things to end badly. i should have ran away in the beginning like i always do. 040103 ... x i shed a few 040104 ... atticus i'm always amazed at what people go though, and how they put up with it. you hear about rape and molestation in the news, but hearing people's stories is something else. it puts a lot of things in perspective. i mean, yeah, everyone has their problems, but some are just horrible beyond belief. i wouldn't wish some of these things on anybody. to those who do go throught it, and still get on in life, that takes some tremendous strength. 040104 ... marked ... 040104 ... Jane Doe sorry as soon as i posted that i got off blather because i was embaressed. I didn't think anyone would respond, none the less even read it. however I was amazed at the responses and I wanted to say thank you to everyone. it helps. 040104 ... no reason as unhinged said, there_are_no_words_here nevertheless, please don't feel sorry for putting these words here. they're definitely not a waste of space. words like these tend to put things in perspective. personally, for instance, (as was already mentioned) they remind me about what i tend to complain about (not that you're complaining), which i realize is often self-absorbed, self-indulgent, stupid crap. and i'm actually very grateful for these reminders and realizations. it's like a splash of cold water. so thank you. and i'm glad things are better for you now. 040106 ... oE yeah i second what no reason posted..that was some heavy s**t you endured jand doe - you've got incredible strength..once i read the first line i couldn't stop..yeah..no need to feel embarrassed..you went through some serious stuff..jane doe-just vent or share any time you need to here.. unhinged - you know you're my girl and all that..stay strong girl.. 040106 ... unhinged aawww seriously, i love a good blather_hug every now and again and that's why i'm still around. amazing what my blather_friends have pulled me out of. 040106 ... unhinged yeah, and i meant that to be how everyone has been giving jane_doe a big blather_hug on this page but was afraid it looked like i was just referring to pheb. yeah, the response to this page is a big blather_hug for you jane_doe. don't feel bad about saying anything on blather. you never know what you might get back in return. 040106 ... t you're just a child with a temper don't you know you're not supposed to hit a lady? kicking your ass would be a pleasure... --Nickleback 040107 ... t I think I misquoted this slightly. However, the sentiment is still valid. 040108 ... rage ...the first time ...the second time weakness. 051101 ... peyton . 051102 ... andru235 [[this is my first time doing the "dot" thing]] " . " 051102 ... Sintina Really? That would make you a coward. So fucking ignore me. You don't even know the truth. All you know is what you want to believe. You didn't even give it a chance. You're a child. You're selfish. And you're a fucking coward. So do your best lemming impression, and take everything in one big paint brush swatch. Because that's what you do best. You don't want progressive change, you want a mosiac tragedy. That's no good for me. 051108 ... unhinged . 140919 ... Lisa :( Bless her heart. 10 years on... I hope she's ok. 140919 what's it to you? who go blather from