ask_grendel grendel and now, well behind the leading edge of this blather trend... the most oblique, obscure and potentially inane forum for questions you may ask i MAY answer (but be prepared, some answers may be good, some answers may be a thousand miles from anything that makes any damn sense...that and i may not answer quaestions in the order they were received...such is the chance you take when asking a beast who lives in a cave) until then, may the ball of twine that is your mind be batted about mercilessly by hordes of catnip-crazed fist_kittens nnnyeah! 000827 ... The Schleiffen Man dear grendel, is your advice column setup one on one like mine and sarpedon's or is it a panel review by many personalities? Signed, Me 000827 ... WingedSerpent a rare direct answer as a courtesy to the schleiffenator "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." Nnngggaaah! 000827 ... splinken dear grendel, why is it always john cusak? why is it always john goddamm FUCKING cusak? sincerely, splinken 000827 ... vix IT appears not only is jason a fuckin rich brat, but he is also a thief and liar. My tent has been stolen right before Burningman. He promised to bring it back friday, saturday and then sunday and no days has it appeared, now he will not answer my page. What should i do? All i can think of is plotting his murder for such a petty act. Very FUCKING unhappy in California 000827 ... childhood lunchmeat mix-up misery Dear spinken well, when it isn't john cusack it's usually kevin_spacey but as to "why" we're still guessing 000827 ... grendel I guess for the first day i will give semi-straight answers Dear vix; my advice to you is this: always have a backup tent plan (not unlike a schleiffen_plan, but waterproof) as for murdering the liar/thief... no, too much trouble and advanced planning involved i'm sure you'll figure out something suitably unpleasnt given time...perhaps something involving angry gerbils and duct tape Mwahahahaha 000827 ... silentbob Grendel I am a young twenty something male scourging through the underbrush for sustenance how do i make 17 year old females notice me? 000827 ... Xipe Totec dear bob If i were on speaking terms with him, i would refer you to my former roommate Damian on that issue. scounting underage prey is his area i have never dated, been vertical horizontal or perpendicular with any woman under the age of 19 (that i know of) meanwhile, i'm gonna test my gravity defying spell and see if i can't crucify myself to the ceiling 000827 ... splinken grendel how many fingers am i holding up? can insects hear? and do they sleep? 000830 ... down goes the whirlpool (eek) dear splinken (~sings~ "a splinky! a splinky!" like the old slinky toy commercial jingle) you've got "one of those fingers on each hand up" (and you're proud to be out of your mind and out of control) i'll have to research the rest (the bugs never answer that question when i ask them) signed sincerely (and with lots of emphasis on the SIN) me, myself and...them 000830 ... grendel insects can sometimes be found in a dormant state that resembles sleep and i think it stands to reason that any species of insect that can produce sounds in likely capable of hearing. the rest likely just sense vibration or hear on a spectrum outsdide of the one we hear ironically enough, they are awake and making all that racket when i'm tryin' to sleep. but thankfully, bark scorpions don't bark (but the only way to see 'em most of the time is to shine a blacklight on 'em---because even though they are dangerously transparent, they glow under blacklights) NnnYeaahh! 000918 ... jennifer Dearest Grendel Did I already ask you a question? Can't seem to remember 000918 ... Barrett Grendel How much butter should I put in my Maccaroni and cheese? 000923 ... splinken grrrren-del, how would one go about writing a concise, eloquent, solid paper (5 pages) comparing one character from Portrait of a Lady and one character from The Rise of Silas Lapham? After the comparison is made, an argument has to made for why the similarities between the two characters are so important. I'm thinking of going with Lord Wharburton and Tom Corey, but I'm still a little insecure about it. thanks. this is due at 10 a.m. on Monday. end transmission. supersincerely, splinken 000923 ... from the cave Dear Splinken Seeing that you are the brialliant little splinky that you are(~a splinky a splinky!~...sorry can't help it) i'll advise you to trust your instinct on that one...i'll admit to not having read either work. just never fall into the trap of being asked to compare and contrast the stick of butter to the loaf of bread or the container of milk...it's a trick question and whoever asks you that is likely an even more nefarious sympathizer of the fist_kittens than myself BoInG! Gr_nd_l (aaaannnnnybody wanna by a vowel?) 000923 ... splinken grendelapagos island, sorry to bug you twice in one day, but: why is sex so gross? ---new and improved rockstar hair splinken 000923 ... grendelbirdmad Jen You haven't asked me anything yet? just make sure you don't phrase your questions in the form of an answer 000923 ... grendel says war (arm the unemployed) barret: just enough to make the nasty powdered cheese seem almost truly cheesy but not enough to make the noodles taste too bland...although i always use real cheese anyway (plus a tiny bit of tomato sauca and a healthy sprinkle of pepper) 000923 ... Barrett Thank you, Grendel. Would you happen to have any recipies for Ramen noodles? Or creative ideas for dog biscuts? 000923 ... user friendly fucking dopestar obscene Dear Doktor Splinkenstein: I've never had that problem, although my own recently developed perception of my own personal grossness has prevented me from seeking out sex as often as i used to. Other than that, my own experiences have been good but i do regret that almost none of them were ever part of a serious relationship. so i'll ask a two-part question in return, the answer to which may determine whether or not i break my silence in the matter of my current attraction: Why is it that every woman with whom i have had a close long-standing friendship seems to recoil rather severely at the idea of deeper involvement, and conversely, ninety five percent of the women who will sleep with me don't think i'm worth much else. sincerely, everyone's favourite cheap slut, Grendel 000923 ... minty biscuits are scary Barret: after the usual hot-water treatment, and the noodles are sufficiently soft, take them out and stir-fry them lightly with some broccoli, sprouts and your choice of meat...a good stir-fry oil is recommended something aromatic and containing a fair dose of garlic...then you too can reate a decent hommeade version of yakisoba bon appetit, and remeber... The devil lives in the icebox... grendel 000923 ... Barrett He likes chocolate ice cream too. (see: variations_on_a_theme_by_someone) 000923 ... Barrett Sorry to bother you again, But would you happen to know where I might find some slightly used carpet, preferably a light brown shag? 000923 ... better homes and grendels Dear Barrett: uuuuhhhhhh, how light brown are we talking and in relation to what type of decor... Shag?!?!? 000923 ... Brad Dear Grendel, Is it a good idea for a very normal functional guy like myself to get involved with a very cute but somewhat dysfunctional girl? She's very cool but i dont know... some red flags are popping up. Any help would be appreciated. 000923 ... Grendel General Bradley: Here are the possibilities: if she (or some aspect of her life) is a little out of whack and she knows it and you stick with her, she will (hopefully) value your presence that much more, so long as you don't make it obvious. ...if you should reach the point where you find yourself telling her you love her, never attach any qualiying statements like "anyway" or "in spite of..." or stuff like that If she does not realize that she (or some aspect of her life) is in any way dysfunctional, give her the benefit of the doubt. Let me qualify my advice a bit before i disappear for the afternoon... the best advice i can give you is to weigh your willingness to potentially be put through the wringer against the combined depth of your affection for and degree of attachment to the other person in the end, you will know whether or not you have chosen wisely and with that, my fellow blatherskites, i bid you good afternoon, and have a nice weekend, ask grendel will reopen monday, any blathes i post between now and then are purely the product of too much alcohol BoInG! 000923 ... splinken grendel-o, why won't anyone tell me bedtime stories anymore? ---southern insomniac 000926 ... the devil does drugs Dear Insomniac I guess it all depends on the bedtime and the type of stories one wants to hear. although from experience i can tell you that trying to read Dr. Seuss backwards while under the influence of any mind-altering substance is more conducive to fits of hysterical laughter than to anything resembling sleep. sincerely The one-and-only (because that's all the world can tolerate) Grendel 000926 ... silentbob do you enjoy our lovely chats on msn? 001114 ... grendel Dear Bobby Yes, i do. You remind me of me before i started fucking up. Only difference is, you're cooler than i was. Narf! 001114 ... startfires greeendel.... do you like tornadoes or potatoes better? 001115 ... startfires um also... say you were an attractive young woman, say 19 years old, who was a virgin. not because of religious affiliation or any other reason other than it just didnt ever seem like the right time. but you really want to have sex because you feel like you are missing out on a big part of the world and you just want to, yknow? and you have never had a problem with regret. but you don't know who to have sex with. hypothetically. what would you do? 001115 ... silentbob I think i can answer for grendel. grendel says that you should make a road trip to iowa. yes. that is what grendel says. 001115 ... Grendel hahaha...good one, Bob. anyway... Dear Startfires; my perspective is too coloured by time and reflection. when i was your age, i acted without regret (and with little caution) do whatever pleases you best, but try not to lose too much of your innocence in the process. 001115 ... Barrett Michigan is quite nice this time of year. 001115 ... daxle have you seen the animated version of grendel? my high school teacher gave me us a glimpse and forever promised to let us see the rest later but it never happened and so my life is forever unfulfilled 001130 ... the devil in our midst i've heard of it but never seen it. and personally, i haven't been feeling very animated lately. i prefer the matt wagner comic book concept of grendel Patient(but not so directed just right now) ~~Grendel~~ 001130 ... silentbob have you ever been in a situation where you had to drag a drunk person away from a potentially dangerious situation, only to have another person not as drunk who is underage (and not just drinking age) get "nustled up to" by horny college males, and have yet ANOTHER not-as-drunk person refuse to leave, she's a big girl, can take care of herself? i hate being responsible for other peoples dumbass mistakes. 001209 ... mad professor grendel i answered this question directly to bob one night some time ago (presumably the date posted) i don't remember the answer i gave, i think i may have been high at the time. i hope it was a useful answer, but then i never promised those here anyway. are there any questions, class? 010125 ... hallkwik What would you do for a Klondike bar? 010202 ... grendel depends on the day and the amount of spicy food i've eaten before hand 010202 ... chocolate_moo_cow kay.. :) It's a Tuesday afternoon, and the only spicy food you had beforehand was a cayenne pepper sandwich 010202 ... TerraCotta dear Grendel, my parents are being psycho crazy losers, and they won't give me any freedom. what should i do? 010311 ... grendelbirdmad Dear Moo Cow: In that case, i'd do just about anything. Dear TerraCotta: Now is a good time to consider having a split personality, as you progress through life you will discover that being a million different people from one day to the next is quite a handy thing. and it makes you less likely to ever be declared competent to stand trial. 010312 ... The Schleiffen Man Dearest grendel, What happened to blather? Signed, The Schleiffen Man 020814 ... grendel Dear Schlieffen in absentia; Blather, like any other living organism has gone through a few (for better or worse) changes, people come and go, people wo come now tell others there is no real fundamental difference, only the networks and pathways of affiliastion have really changed. sure. an argument could be made toward the_intellectual_decay_of_blather but at the same time some of the more intelligent things that are said here are not being made simply for the sake of being clever the older blatherskites who came before us and left when we were at the apex of our strangeness and newness probably felt the same disdain for us when they poked their heads in from time to time... this was why they abandoned us and created the red blather, which was promptly found and co-opted by those of us who had been regarded as (in all likelihood) the problem - but now had become, ourselves, the older more reflective blatherskites change_is_the_only_constant_in_the_universe and blather_is_blather is really what i am trying to say. 020815 ... J what fuggin kinda name is grendel. it sounds like something from the hobbit. or a nasty kinda oatmeal cookie. 020905 ... Grendel First, let me answer your question with a question: what kind of fucking question is this? Grendel, demon-beast antagonist character in the first known work of English Literature' (Old English, specifically) the epic poem "Beowulf" The beast arrived and laid seige to an old Danish kingdom for 12 years before being killed by Beowulf, the leader of a wandering tribe of Vikings Grendel, was implied by the story to be a descendant of the biblical Cain The novelist John Gardner retold the story in a more modern tone of voice from Grendel's point of View in his book which carries the beast's name as its title the comic book writer/artist Matt Wagner carries the concept a step further and uses Grendel as a primal force that motivates and links the characters he creates, from a 20th century master criminal to a romanesque global empire in some far-flung future it was a name i adopted for the more mischievous side of my persona here on blather There, now you know 020906 ... myplsaticmind do u even like oatmeal cookies? 020906 ... wingedSerpent i fuckin' love those things, though i prefer them with chocolate chips over raisins 030314 what's it to you? who go blather from