portrait vix In my room, my space. You saw everything, Your eyes drifted behind the paint unto the mural I painted with my own blood. I tried to mirror with your own image. You saw past it all that I had tried to cover up. You saw everything, and I tried to merge your focus on something, anything else. You said I looked like an angel, Yeah it seems that way doesn't it? but you saw.something that I thought was hidden. But you still said the things you said... 000819 ... freakizh the mirror will show an altered version of what it sees but what i'm not. liar. 010716 ... josie I remember vividly in the peak of my rebellion i changed. maybe i didn't change for too much of the better but i attempted to change none the less. I changed my cirle of friends, i changed my habits and my addictions, i changed my attitude, i bleached my hair blonde and cut it short. I made a more than obvious attempt at being a new me, a new being to love, someone who could please you, somethng you could be proud of. How could i not have made it anymore obvious? I put my exterior beauty in the hands of professionals so i could bear the face of someone you could take pride in. But i could only bear resembelence to pain. 020711 ... josie i handed you a portrait of my life. An etching in stone for history's sake. What part of your memory make's you so selective? i gave you the most expensive gift hoping you'd find it priceless.. to mount above the grand piano in your entertaining lounge to say .. look at her, she's mine. Glistening beauty in the eyes of the professionals and in the eyes of my only parent. Soon i'll grow up and have to flinch at my label. I doubt i'll ever even make it there. 020711 ... josie I placed myself in your hands so literally and how dd you manipulate my ego? you accepted it ungracefully, this is where i get bitter...... you told me you hated the way i looked. You told me i didn't look beautiful. It was a nice pictorial of my but it didn't really represent anything you stood for did it? An image of someone you didn't feel compelled to know... becuase i simly remind you.. 020711 ... josie I'm mounted in a quietly pink room, locked up without any keys to open it up.. our own secert garden. i'm sitting, framed beneather the foundations of that house now and i doubt i'll ever be released or emancipated. i may as well have died. Because i remind you. is it my jawline? is it my skincolour? is it my cheekbones? is it my father's face you so easily see in mine? does it make you anrgy or fearsome? am i a constant bitter reminder of a love you used to believe in as being utterly confident? do i make you feel guilty? 020711 ... josie am i such a blatant reminder that you have to bury me as well? 020711 ... justine everything you do is a self-portrait. it can't be helped. your handwriting. every scribble. every picture you paint reveals you. 040229 what's it to you? who go blather from