do_not_open_for_10_years Ouroboros It says, this envelope, sealed, scrawled with my adolescent handwriting. I remember writing it, sharing it with a boy in my class, and sealing it off in my - in my what? It's a story, graphic, horrifying, about a girl being raped. I was 14 when I wrote it. I had never known anyone in my life who had been through a situation like that. Was it influenced by tv violence, or books i had read, a past life experience? I don't know, but i think i'm going to force myself to reread it. 070823 ... Ouroboros Once upon a time, there was a little girl, let's call her Jane. Jane was like any other 7 year old girl, she went to school, did her homework, played with toys, and with her friends. Jane had a best friened, let's call her Meg. Meg and Jane were as close as best friends could be, they knew everything about each other and trusted each other with their deepest darkest secrets. Now Meg lived in a big house, with her mom and dad, and three other siblings (lets say Jon 5 Sam 8 and Ben 16). They were very rich, and everyone took a liking to Jane, and it soon became like a second home for her. You see, Jane's parents had been fighting alot, and Jane liked to get ut of their way. In Jane's family it was her mom, her dad, and Jane's little 2 year old borther. They lived in an ok house, but sometimes Jane would wish she was a little bit more rich, like Meg. So going to Meg's house was always a little bit like a fairy tale, and everything there was like a dream. At first, only she and Meg would play together in Meg's room. Maybe sometimes little Jon would come, and play with a doll house in the corner of the room. But after a while, Sam and Ben would come and play, alot. Sam amd Meg were always the closest of all the siblings, so they always spent hours drawing, or playing pirates... But that left Jane with Ben. At first Jane was very timid, but as she saw how sweet and nice Ben was to here, she opened up. She was suprised at how caring a teenager was towards her, because she had always been a little scared by them. But soon she and Ben were spending alot of time together, so that she and Meg only saw eachother during school. Jane never told her parents about Ben, because she thought they wouldnt approve of her being friends with an older boy. So she always told her parents she was going over to Megs house (She and Meg walked home together from school, and only after dinner did her mom and dad come and pick Jane up.) Both Megs parents worked until dinner time, so only a non-English speaking housekeeper, and the five kids. So Meg's parents didn't know about their friendship. Now Jane and Ben were best friends, Jane spent all of her free time with him at this house, which was alot because Jane's parents were arguing even more. She and Ben would play with toys, read books, watch TV/movies, and they talked. Mostly Ben talked, about everything, from dating, to why fingernails grow faster then toenails... Jane was thrilled to have these talks, she thought it was a way to understand "the real world." One day Ben brought up sex, Jane flushed, this was something that a girl shouldn't be talking about with a boy! But Ben told her it was ok, she trusted him, didn't she? Jane said sorry, and yes she did trust him. After all, Ben knew everything, and she might as well hear him talk about sex. Ben started out with the info that they gave in the kids books that all kids Jane;s age had read. When he finnished that Jane bragged that she new all those things already. But Ben said there's much more to it then that, and he went into foreplay, oral sex, orgies... They kept up the sex topic for a while, when Jane's parents went away for a weekend, and she was to spend it at Meg's house. Jane was so excited, a while weekend with Ben! On Friday afternoon she didn't even wait for Meg, she ran home from school alone. She ran into Ben's room, but she didnt see him. She cried his name, and she heard a faint "in here". She went around towards it, and came to his bathroom door. She asked if she could come in. Jane got no response, so she went in. It was dark because the blinds were closed and the lights were off. Ben said quietly to close the door, and she did, but she heard a faint click, and she tried the knob, but the door was locked. Ben told her that it was locked at the top, and only he could reach it and unlock it. Jane began to get scared, and she began to scream, when Ben's hand came over her mouth, and he asked her if she still trusted him. Jane had never heard Ben's voice so soft or sweet, and she felt guitly that she had been scared of Ben, after all, they were best friends. So she said yes, and Ben told her his game. They were going to pretend they were grownups, and they were going to do everything they did. Jane thought that sounded like fun, she and Ben hadn't been playing very many games lately, only talking. So they went through a normal day in the adult world, until it came time for bed time. Ben locked his door and told Jane to get undressed. She did so and sat on the bed, while Ben turned off the light, and undressed himself. He lay on the bed next to her, and told her they wouldnt have sex yet, first they would take a bath. So they lay in the bath side by side, and not moving when all of a sudden Ben lept on top of her, and began kissing and touching Jane. Jane didn't like this at all, but she didn't stop him, because it was just a game, right? Soon she felt something hard on her legs and she heard Ben gasp strangely. He began feeling inside of her, when Ben's mother called that dinner was ready. Ben told Jane to put on her clothes, and tell no one about their game. After dinner, Ben went out with friends and everyone else watched a movie until bedtime. But Jane couldn't fall asleep that night. She didn't like playing the adult game anymore! She thought that her body was her own, and it wasn't nice that Ben touched her there. Then Jane began thinking of what her parents would say if they found out. She was up most of the night crying and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. When she woke up the next day, it was late morning. Meg ran into her room, dressed in a bathing suit. She said that they had tried to wake Jane up, but they couldn't, so they let her sleep while they went swimming. Was Jane feeling ok? Yes Jane said she was ok, only very tired. Meg went down stairs to leave Jane to get dressed. Jane heard a knock on the door and she yelled that they could come in. It was Ben. He had a funny look in his eyes, and he told Jane quietly that they hadnt finnished their game, and they still hadn't had sex. Jane turned white, and felt very cold inside. She said in a scared shakey voice that she wanted to stop playing this game. Ben was furious, and said that friends should trust each other, and he trusted Jane that she would finnish the game. She protested, and he told her that they had to finnish the game if she like it or not. He picked her up and threw her on the bed. He got on top of her, pinning her to the bed. He kissed her all oover, while pulling off her pants. She tried to kick him off, but he held down her arms and legs. He told her that it was time. He pulled down his pants and told her that it would be fun. Jane tried so hard to fight him away from her, but she couldnt do it. She tried to scream, but he slapped her and told her if she did that again he'd kill her. Jane lay shaking, waiting for the intercourse to begin. Ben began licking her down there, which she didnt like, but what could she do? It all seemed like a dream to her, everything in slow motion. Ben moved up so they were face to face. He whispered to her that now the real fun would begin. He took his thing out which began to grow like a bad science experiment gone wrong. He held Jane's arms down with his own and slowly he entered her. Jane felt as if her insde were slowly being ripped apart with a knife. Ben was crushing her with his body, so she could barely breathe. He pulled out of her, gasping for a breath, then he slammed back into her, so Jane felt blood on her thighs. Over and over again did Ben pull in and out of Jane, till it was all a painful haze. Jane wished that she could just die, and make this bad dream go away. After what seemed like weeks Ben pu8lled out of her and poured white things all over her and the bed. He slammed back into her, whispering that this one was for good luck. He went as deep as he could go in her, and she heard him yell , Jane feeling that he would go straight through her. Ben told her "well you little bitch, you trusted me you little whore" He pulled out halfway and moved his hips over and over and pushed as deep as he could over and over. Jane couldn't bear anymore and she turned her head to the side and closed her eyes, trying to forget the pain. Ben howled and pulled out off of her, fell on the floor, and jacked off, using her blood as lubricant. Jane lay shivering on the bed, while Ben lay panting heavily on the floor. Slowly he got up and started at Jane. Jane in her red dream thought she heard "what have i done, holy shit." she opened her eyes to Ben feeling all over her and mummering how sorry he was that she didn't like the game. Jane couldnt speak, but she wished that Ben would go away forever. She heard in the background Ben's mom saying that she talked to Jane's parents on the phone, and they would be picking her up in 30minutes. Ben told Jane to say ok, and she managed a weak yes. Ben told Jane to get dressed, and never tell anyone about the game. Jane sobbed and Ben left. Jane found she was crying and shivering uncontrollably. She thought that she had to control herself, because no one must know that she was broken inside. she took tissues and mopped herself down there. She got dressed and looked at the clock and saw that that part of the game had only taken 20 minutes! She packed up, washed her face, and tried to make herself stop shaking. She heard her mom's voice, and she ran down the stairs into her car, without looking at or thanking Meg or her parents. Driving home Jane's mother told Jane quitely thatshe and Jane's dad were getting divorced. She talked on about how they would still love her, but Jane felt nothing. She thought that after her rape (she didn't think that word; she only learned what it meant years later) nothing could hurt or effect her. She was quiet and subdude for almost a year after it happened, but her parents thought it was just a natural reaction to the divorce. She went to a counselor who let her play lots of games and draw, but Jane never talked about Meg or Ben, and hid that she had been raped. She never went over to Meg's house again, and stopped being friends with her. Years went by, and she all but forgot about the rape. Soemtimes she would have nightmares, but she never told her parents. She only told one of her friends, and no one else knew. The only main lasting result was she never fully trusted anyone ever again, both boys and girls. And she was very cautious and barely ever let boys touch her. Her only secret now, is that she's still broken. 070823 ... . In elementary school we wrote ourselves a "guided" letter (guided by the teacher: write your favorite color, your best friend, your height, etc.) not to be opened until twenty years passed by. Surprisingly, I managed to honor that and when I finally opened it, years ago now, I was rather disappointed by the tameness of the "guiding". The letter I would've written myself would have been much more interesting if I had bucked the teacher's promptings altogether, but at that age my rebellions were not yet intelligent in nature (not that they are now, either). Still, it is a fun idea... maybe I should do another, to be opened in my forties. I could write all sorts of juicy details, although I'd have to make most of them up since I am not the world's most exciting guy. 070823 ... ever dumbening you never cease to amaze me, sarah. 070824 ... camille Do not open this for ten years.. Prompted by words on internet site Bl a th er “Do not open this for ten years” I realized that this writing this day would be sealed not to be reopened until after I had died.. August 25, 2007 Your days have been interesting at best, quite a novel you have written on a daily basis. I know there were days when you wished you didn’t exist, but you did anyway. (sigh) So how have you been this past ten years? I realize now that I will not be opening this letter up again as I will have died 10 days later after writing this.. unfortunate but happened. In my sleep, totally unexpected. People gasped when they heard, but not louder than I. Ok ok getting on to this letter.. This life was simple in the beginning..raised Catholic attended Catholic school for 5 years of my life, learned how to be proper and sit like a straight backed chair. Learned how kind people could be and how some could be total asses. Sister Anacleta remember that name.. I grew fond of her because I learned to dislike her quickly. In 2nd grade I was sent to the office to drop off attendance I waited as the penguin behind the desk decided to use a young man as an example to totally implant rebellion in me against adults who could bully. How powerful she must have felt in that few minutes… in the office she very methodically reminded him of his past wrongs and asked him to hold up both his hands across her desk about a foot from it’s surface she then reached into her desk and pulled out a wooden ruler. Alright my curiousity was at a high at that moment..is she going to measure something, is this an experiment to teach us something? Unfortunately it was, she was going to measure his pain and fear….she smacked the young man across the knuckles and broke the ruler.. Taking me by total surprise I looked at him in pain, then looked at this hideous monster I once admired and asked myself, “My God what could have possibly been the offense? I must have blacked out into the blackness of her robe because I don’t remember anything after that…don’t remember going back to class, the day, the attendance,…that yr. I do remember however feeling the unjustice of children in an adult society…look at me rambling on. The html color for her robe is : 000000, Font =”IMPACT” 10 yrs from now what would I have wanted to hear. “You’re alright and you’ve made it?” mmm…There are no new foods or people under the sun? Technology.. has taken quite a primitive standstill at this point in 2007. We still have roads, vehicles… and our earth is not yet under a dome at this point in 2007. In a couple of years you should experience that of course ..15 years from now. They’ve just found a gaping hole in the universe oh my, space is torn. I’ll find out in 10 days what it is…oh joy! Heck….what needs to be said that hasn’t been said already? Ok this is it for my letter. Don’t feel so pressured by what society expects of you. Be yourself, strive to be happy regardless of the people who are bitter…. Bitter people wished for something at one point in their lives and never got it. Regardless of all that comes against you hold your head high and know: You’re ok! Be yourself….oh and if you get a chance hit the “Easy Button” for me or try that new little gadget “USB hamster wheel” lighten up and enjoy life and what you do have, don’t make it so complicated. 070825 ... Ouroboros what's really interesting is in my mid 30s what surfaced was my memories of a friend's older brother making me drink beer and assaulting me. this weird ass story was actually pointing to memory unremembered. 220429 what's it to you? who go blather from