youll_never_make_it_in_the_real_world_if_youre_fat Original gangsta You'll never make never make it in the real world if you're fat, And this one goes out to my homeboy Pat, For shizzle my nizzle, Tru dat, true dat. These trickass rhymes Be really whack! So lose some weight And you'll look great And all da lil' pigeons wanna faint Cuz you took that bacon off your plate! I jus' skinny man, don' playa . Parcheesi is easy, An easy word to rhyme, I'm white, That's right, So I don't rhyme things well. But I don't look stupid when I say the word "swell." All the kiddies wanna roll in my Dodge Caravan, Jus' cuz I got a mullet don't mean I'm a man! From Japan like Jackie Chan Or Osama from Afghanistan. No, I'm a chick wit a stick Shift on my dick, J slash K, A cheetah is quick, Seventy mph at top speed, They mackin' up da jungle, (You don't say?) Yeah, fool! Carnivores, predators, Eatin' up da gazelles, Spell wit 2 L's Well... G to the A to the Z and the E, Double L-E-S, Puttin my wildlife trivia to the test, I'm a masta for disasta, A real E-Burg G, Layin' out da rhymes like Parcheesi. For sheezy my neezy, Like your mom, Word to the third, Flim flammity flom. But getting back to my original topic, You shouldn't be fat, I ain't down wit dat! You should go on a diet jus' like my dad, He be wearin' the flannel and da plaid, Bling blammity blad! Green Acres reruns make me glad, And that ain't bad, Or sad. Sporadical and radical, These are two words that rhyme, No hazmats on da highway at all times. Hazmat to your bathmat, Getting back to my original topic, You shouldn't be fat! Don' be cloggin yo arteries Wit Monterey Jack cheese, Low-cal dressing on the side if you please. Or else you'll start to wheez, (Because you're having a heart attack, you fat guy!) Don't try to lie, You gonna die! So put down that french fry, A good toilet paper is 2-ply, 2-ply is fly, And you'll need that to wipe yo' fat ass. You got so much mass, You super-sized lass. With sass... efrass. Your body won't last For very much longer Because you're dying because you're too fat. (But you can always bulk up on celery to make you stronger). If you think eatin' fat stuff is good, Then you couldn't be wronger. Frostburg University is on the next right, And these pants is gettin' eva-so-tight, Cuz I'm fat But not as fat as you, boo Tru, tru We do it like Macauly Culkin do, When they made Home Alone 3 they had to get a new kid to take his place, Cause he was too old but he wasn't as good as Macauly Culkin, In my own humble opinion, He was the original gangsta of the Home Alone series. What time is it, you ask? Why, it's time for a breakdown! Whatchall wanna do? You wanna be ballaz, Shot callaz, Brallaz? Who be dippin' in the dip wit all the calooories? Like Easy-E's? Who represent they citiiiies? Like Columbus G's? This jam session will rock your artwork But not yo' socks off Cuz you can't find any socks to fit yo' fatass feet. So feel my rhythm an' feel my beat, If you gotta eat bread, You should opt for whole wheat. Or you should just not eat. That would be a better idea, you fat guy! Stop eatin' dem quarter pounders! They will put pounds on you! And give you the flu, But you can't afford to get sick, Cause then you'd have to lie around and do nothin' And that would only make you fatter. If you're in the splash zone at Sea World, Then you'll get splattered... With water. From the killer whales, Who are probably just as large as you, Boo. No I'm not tryin to scare you, Cause I'm not wearin' a scary mask like Dracula or somethin'! That would be REALLY scary! And I only do that on Halloween, when it's OK to scare people. But you scare people every day with your incredibly fat body, Shawty. And your small head because your body is so much bigger than your head. Wow, that's scary! Charlie Brown's head is too big for his body, He needs to take him some Tae-Bo karate, This town is called % ," And I think that's pretty cool, shawty. Wipe yo' face cuz you startin' to drool, Cuz you see all dat food at the snack bar at the pool, Now it's time for me to give up every attempt to rhyme, Bling bling! Pancakes, waffles, hash browns on the side, These are all healthy foods, Until you smotha them with buttah an syrup, You can't fit yo' leg in them stirup... Pants you be wearin', Them seams you be tearin', But don't get your hair in Your food and then eat it, (Because then your hair will accumulate in your stomach; kinda like when you swallow gum and it takes 7 years to digest) Stop in' with your colon! That B neva did nothin' to you! Cept digest yo foo... d. Aiight. Peaceout. 020811 ... oppressed_youth Word up, homie. 020811 ... the incredible shrinking birdmad i may not be HUGE but when i was doing a lot of work as a bouncer, between the muscle and fat i was in the neighborhood of 315 lbs (approx 150kg) i would have paid good money for someone to try saying even a fraction of that supersized serving of shit to my face. as it stands i am just about 70 lbs lighter than i was at that peak and a few people have found out the hard way these last couple of weeks that being in my face or puttng me in a nasty mood can really ruin their day i hope someone large enough to have their own weather systems sits on you, quite frankly 020811 ... bird yeah, i'm an evil_nasty_rotten_vicious_prick lately, what can i say 020811 ... Original gangsta Ouch. 020811 ... oppressed_youth Yeah... I think Original gansta here was just kidding, friend, because I was with her when she wrote it. I even collaborated. (You know the part about wearing a scary Dracula mask? That's all me. And that part about not being able to rhyme. Props to my own funky self for that). In fact, she's a little large herself. So it's cool. Besides, any song/poem mentioning Macauly Culkin should not be taken seriouslly; no matter how drunk you may be. 020811 ... oppressed_youth And mega-props to you for reading that whole thing... 020811 ... D y a n n e Now my dreams are crushed and my hope shattered cuz I now Ive read they long ryhme and realized I wont make it in the world I guess I could stand to lose 400 of my 750lbs Im carrying around j slash k haha I liked that lol 020812 ... Freak I cant believe I just wasted my time reading that. 020812 ... editorial bird clarification: i didn't read the part about you being a girl when i wrote my response to this, otherwise i would not have brought up how much of a rotten_vicious_evil_nasty_prick i am/can be. but i still found this whole thing rather disagreeable on an unrelated editorial note that was some of the worst rhyming i have ever read, but at least you admitted to that 020812 ... royce gracie give me leverage and i can lift the world. ooh...scary bouncer...ooh 315 lbs. i eat chumps like you for breakfast. the only difference is i excercise afterwards my breakfast. between the fat and the muscle? between the fat and the muscle is an underutilized brain. and that's where the triangle choke is going to cut off the blood flow. 020813 ... bird at least mildly irritated ooh.... submission-holds. (yawn) thanks to this underutilized brain of mine i tend to not be very cogniive of the sensation of pain besides, the last time somebody who thought they were going to impress me with some attempt at what might work on a mat or in a cage tried to hook me, i siezed on the opportunity to forcibly fall on him, winding him and cracking several of his ribs. the only fat i had at 315 lbs was my abdomen becaus i had just quit smoking. the rest of my mass was the result of the intesive weight-training i had done to counter as much of the effects of those nasty nicotine-withdrawal induced cravings which or a brief period tripled my grocery bills. besides, the best remedy for a triange choke is to physicaly ram the attached opponent into whatever hard surface is convenient before he choke achieves it's effect. when i fight it's no like i'm in some bullshit enclosure and i have no compunction about maiming a __man__ if i feel sufficiently provoked finally, almost all of my acts of violence (except for my most recent ones and a random scattering of others) have been to maintain or restore order or to protect life and/or property you wanna call me out? call me by your own name. i would defer respect to the real Gracies, but somebody who thinks that just because they know a couple of moves and a little terminology will get their MMA gloves inserted bodily in an uncomfortable manner and who are you to presume to know to what extent i do or do not use my brain. are you insinuating that body-mass and intellect are always (or at any time, necessarily) inversely proportional? the bigger i am, the more stupid i must be? is that what you're getting at?? Please...come back at me when you've grown a set and enough grey_matter to think better of stating a pissing match or any other sort of confrontation with me i offered as much apology or clarifiation as i thought was necessary to the ladies who originated this blathe, so what engendered your need to step up to me... who pushed your "talk" button? just run along back down into mommy and daddy's basement with your little pals and veg out with your UFC tapes, Okay? "Royce" 020813 ... sakuraba karelin haha...i knew you'd get all defensive. and don't tell me the best strategy for a triangle choke. the best strategy is to not get so belligerent all the time. the best strategy is always different. 315 lbs huh? i bet you throw those hammock arms at a geological pace. maybe i'd put on my mountain climbing gear, climb your back and apply the rear naked choke. or a well timed muay thai leg kick to the spleen. or maybe i'd hit you with a boomerang from across the room. oh and mister i use my grey matter....what does it mean to use one's real name on blather? right. my point, and sorry if irony is a dish best served cold, was to remind you how ridiculous it is to make physical threats on a forum like this. anyways...back to how i'd dismantle you, just like my other 365 lb. friend...so after the eye gouge and the groin kick...i'd work in the jiujitsu...you're probably too ridiculously hefty to shoot a wrestling double leg on...so i'd definetly open with the groin kick eye gouge combination followed by the duck under at which point you'd call to your friends for help...but they'd be like...let tough guy handle his own shit. i'd then go through my pockets...but then decide that instead of the tazer i'd go barehands. i'd break my hands on your eyeballs, then apply a "hook" for fun. my friend would snap a polaroid, i'd put it on my wall and call it a day. tomorrow i'd come back for my apology. i'd accuse you of not being heartfelt since your face was so jacked your expressions all look the same, and i'd repeat, so your casts wouldn't be so asymetrical. haha...but go ahead, drop knowledge and training regimens, disrespect possibility, break all of the first rules of sun tzu's art of war by assuming rather than knowing. impress the ladies. tubby. haha. ahhh...okay okay...i'll use my real name this time...and i'll type it two or three times so you'll be sure to understand...let's see if you buy this one. 020814 ... I am a big tough man (who is strong) So, is it okay to say that I'd shoot one of you? I mean, that's kind of a martial art, right? I'm just not sure if it would make me the kind of big tough man that I think I am, though... But of course, it'd only be to maintain order, not to prove that I was a big tough man... 020814 ... bzzzz [In Summary] Some comedic rappin' people: "Fat people is whack, yo." Big Strong Guy: "I am very strong and I will crush any smaller man who insults me for being fat." Skilled Ninja: "Ha ha ha, Big strong man, I possess the skills of a true Ninja, and, like Mr. Miyagi, I could dismantle you where you stand." Big Strong Man: "What!? You dare challenge me? Fool, I am an invincible stack of manbeef!! You must be taught a lesson, coward, by a mighty man-mountain such as myself! Oh, and just to clarify, I'm an *intellectual* Big Tough Guy. Skilled Ninja: "Don't assume you know how to defeat me! Now, allow me to assume that *I* know how to defeat *you*: blah blah blah blah blah." [The End?] (I have enjoyed this argument, by the way--keep it up.) 020814 ... hagakure napoleon fools all of you. what use would it be to maintain order when you're dealing with the instability of fools? the only order is death. and when one is a skilled ninja like i am, there is no such thing as assumption, because i is one with the universe. the question comes after the answer. manbeef, intellect, the distinction becomes futile. this bzz...this fly on the wall, they however may turn to be the true enemy...is it on their behalf we fight? are we pawns in a game that is entertainment to them? that ensures them a strong winner? an old man can never defeat a young well trained man. this is the code of boxing, wrestling, and sambo. traditional martial arts hold otherwise. do you know what i hold? the beating heart of a man that looked at me the wrong way. right now i do. the old the weak the infirm, these are generalizations, but ones that prove true more often than false. the only solution is for the martial body to become the normal body. not happening in your case angry man. also...all the secrets i now share with you are cryptic. this is so the brash and the misled like bzzzz may not make use of my secrets and hold the world at the mercy of their untempered will. so who is fat now? 020814 ... enrique iglesias i can be your hero baby...you can run you can hide but you can't escape my love. beware the ninjas. before i crossed the ninjas, i was a happy boy, son of a famous singer, living a peaceful sensual life. pablo neruda and jimi hendrix were my sensibilities. now i'm making music like this...and making out with anna kournikova...i know i know...it seems like a good thing...but that's how insidious the ninjas are...you see...even though i get to make out with anna kournikova, i have to be enrique iglesias, which is where i have been most truly beaten down. if they can do this to me...imagine what they can do to you. you won't even know they did it. you'll think you did it, or fate or something or chance. but no...it was the ninjas. why does janet reno look like a man? ninjas. why does president bush stutter over his own name? ninjas. why did we vote for president bush. because we're idiots. but we're idiots because of the ninjas. i wanted to do a song exposing the secret society, but i've been silenced, blather is my only forum, the only place in this world free of their stifling passive violence 020814 ... mohammed gable i told you to never mention us enrique. it's another top forty hit and hot babe for you fool. 020814 ... enrique iglesias NOOOOOOOOO 020814 ... milo of croton gracie marciano duran duran and you think a gun will work? oh haha...see that's the thing about us... we like dying. it keeps us anonymous. and we like humping. so there's always more. and more. muahaha. check inside your shoes and under your pillows tonight. ninjas are subatomic. and if you say no mas twice, it becomes hungry like the wolf! 020814 ... sting i used to be a pretentious prick who could write a decent song if i really wanted to. think back 20 years or more. now, i'm just a pretentious prick, and a sell-out to boot. is it because of the ninjas? no. it's because i'm great, and everyone else sucks. suck my cock, ninjas. i hope you swallow. 020814 ... bzzzz Nicely said, Skilled Ninja, like verbal voodoo, but now I want to hear from Big Strong Man--tell the Ninja how you will crush his brittle bones into powder with the fury of a thousand ogres! And no more interruptions from Latin pop singers... 020814 ... king kong ninja ah yes...the industrial revolution vs. the artisan. the whole vs. the abstraction. bring it on. 020814 ... oppressed_youth Enrique, will you be my hero, baby? If you feel like leaving, I'm not going to make you stay. Soon you'll be blehbluuhblah... you can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love. Bailamos, my Latin lover. Bailamos. 020814 what's it to you? who go blather from