this_morning twiggie my eyes hurt. i can hardly keep them open. i want to talk to you, but it has to wait until tonight. wake_up 010313 ... startfires today is so different. so normal. i wish there was a way that i could write this, or say it i don't think roget's thesauraus has a word for it it's like i read a book or saw a movie i can't get the picture out of my head i don't think he was real i will never see him again. i need to start remembering to obtain phone numbers. but he was 010313 ... monadh I woke up crying and pissed off at myself 010313 ... god the wheels of revenge click slowly towards the black lair of the spidery ghost of cruelty unending. my tab is flat. 011220 ... bandaids go to: my_story 011221 ... Continuous Light last night was the first time we hung out - just you and me. we sat in your room, drank jack and cokes and whiskey sours, riding a cocaine buzz, and talking. i haven't talked to anyone like that in so long. 5 and a half hours we contented ourselves talking on your floor. and christ if i wasn't confused. i'm used to being treated a certain way now. i didn't even realize it until last night, but as i lay awake in your bed while you drifted off beside me, it hit me. i expected us to end up fucking. -not making love or having sex. those words are too pretty for me. too far above me maybe. but i expected us to fuck, and it didn't happen. that's not to say i'm saddened by it, just confused. i'm used to guy friends that take me into their bed for an hour or two and then shake off my affections with the ease of detachment. see ya later, amber. goodbye. nice fuckin ya again. hope we can do it again tomorrow, but don't expect much else. and i actually accept it. it's not exactly fine with me, but i can think of worse things. -like love. so when you didn't even try to kiss me, it threw me off. i wanted to tell you that i was attracted to you, but why open myself to you so early? why not just let things happen as they will. i'm still unsure of where you're going with this. -but there's a little piece of me that secretly hopes that you perhaps have higher intentions than my other 'friends'. that maybe you would actually settle down with me for a moment or two. nothing lasts forever, i know that, but it doesn't mean you can't have that ridiculous hope that something might. i woke up this morning and you had already left my side. i threw you a smile that you no doubt questioned, and left for home.....wondering the entire drive what your lips taste like. 011221 ... cube CL, That touched my heart. You ask for so little and even that with humility - like the beggar touching His robe. I sincerely hope that good fortune finds you in the new year. If i had the power, i would make it so ... 011221 ... continuous light thank you cube. it's nice to know that someone out there is listening. the new year doesn't look like it's promising anything grand, but who knows? i think somewhere inside me some hope still breathes. 011229 ... kerry that really was nice, good luck.:) 011229 ... nom i woke up at the perfect time this morning i woke up singing a song i was singing to myself 030825 ... jennie after last night, when silas hated brokeback mountain and you and i agonized through quick glances when he seemed upset, after this morning, when he got up and showered and left for therapy, i started a conversation with you. you were sleeping (or lying awake?) on the top bunk, and we talked about silas, and our worries, and hopes about and for him. and after a pause you climbed down and into the bed with me and i felt panic: i'm in a tank top and panties and you are in only boxers and how will we keep to platonic cuddling? you say, i don't want it to be like whenever silas leaves, you become available to me. and i say, i think that might be what he wants. and you say, isn't that bad? wouldn't that be an unhealthy state of affairs? and i say, the only thing i can think that would be healthy is for him to tell us what he doesn't want us to do, and to trust us to not do it. we talk and wrap our arms around each other. only our upper bodies touch, the blankets between us below. i stroke your hair. you trace the outlines of my mouth, nose, cheek with trembling fingertips. i say, aren't we great? we are always half-naked in the dark in bed together and we don't even kiss. and you kiss me on the neck, as we've started to do--kiss each other on broad, ambiguous places, back, shoulder, hand, arm, cheek--and say, i kissed you. i kiss you back, on your shoulder. we lie together silently, as we sometimes do between thoughts or words, and i fall back a little, off the pillow, neck arched, head upside down. you're kissing my neck, your whole upper body so close to mine and my eyes closed so that i can't even tell where you are or what's happening except for your mouth, kissing, close-mouthed, opening only to breathe hot breath onto my skin. you pull a strap away from my shoulder with your teeth, and i can't bear it, i suck in a huge, fast, rapid breath. you kiss the place on my shoulder that it had covered and i can't help it, i breathe faster, louder, so close to crying out. i pull myself back up, my head next to yours, so close, you're still kissing my chest, slow, lingering presses of your mouth, i can't bear it. if you turned your head it would be all over, i would start kissing you and never stop. almost crying, breath coming too too fast, i say, in your ear, we should stop. we pull apart. i turn my head away from you and rest it on my arm. god, i want you so bad. 060309 ... mos this morning four cars crashed in front of my work place. 1 person died. life is a gift. 060309 ... Ouroboros my soul hurt and everything was confusion (and I was confused) 060604 ... superleni was a daze expected to last days 060605 ... camille had to have been the longest morning ever. I was able to get so much done and still the morning refused to pass the baton to the afternoon.... 060606 ... Ouroboros he held my arms behind my back and touched me slowly he was late to work 060629 ... Ouroboros with my own hands i mirrored the mudras of the buddhist statues in the seattle asian art museum 060630 ... Ouroboros dancing on a wood floor portland sunlight 060709 ... Ouroboros hot shower, coffee, bagel, nora jones, packing, saying goodbye 061126 ... oren Pacemaker replaced. 061127 ... Ouroboros arose at dawn, mist in the air, chilling and damp. arose and walked down the steps past the bungalows to the riverside. squatted on my heels, palms raised to warmth of an embered log. sat on the porch, watch the river roll by, watch the birds fly high, heard the town wake up, heard the motorbikes and schoolkids. felt the sun peak out on my skin 061207 ... Shinnokxz yielded another scenario of self-torture and deprivation as i peacefully slept in one hour past my first class. 061207 ... Lady Lightness I jolted awake to the jazz radio alarm- it was too early for me- but I had to move my car and he had to get ready for work (Do you want a hardboiled egg he asked me at 7:20am. It's too early for food I replied.) 070307 ... neesh i feel nervous for him (and for myself) 070307 ... falling_alone i woke again before the dawn, and noticed my room mate still had not fallen asleep, i wondered if he was still here with her briefly, and then i dressed and covered myself up for the walk, trek, outside...but i stepped out of the bedroom and my intentions of leaving earlier changed when i took that first breath of banana bread that had probably only been baked 2 hours before. my heart sank when i found it in the fridge, not left out where it probably still would have been warm. for the first time all year i had breakfast before the sunrise, before i went to practice. it tasted so, fucking, good. and you know it must have since i said fuck. 070308 ... TrueMe I lay in bed until 4am unable to sleep I contemplated love and filling myself with it And I was afraid And I felt unworthy And I felt alone And I realized this was never going to be different And I needed to adapt and learn And grow And become.... ....more 070318 ... rage eyes still closed with warmth and sleep, i felt you lying next to me, breathing evenly. i thought you might be smiling, and your soft brown arms might be cuddled around your chest. so i smiled a little in the sunlight which snuck in through your breezy curtains and tickled my belly beneath your sheets. so light and so softly. i wondered if the sun also touched you on the other side of this barrier of ours, our unspoken code of touchlessness, or friendship, i don't know what to call it. i thought of how worried i had been that you would get the wrong idea, and i would have to casually mention him, hanging on the back of my mind. i thought of how much i had wanted to touch you and have you hug me and trace the line of my thigh with your palm, as though i belonged to you, a treasure. i thought of you, topless, and me, drunk. and i thought of how glad i was that nothing had happened and how greatful i was that you had remained noble and stuck to the code and not even touched me with a whisper of fingertips, although i wanted you to, i want you too. i thought of how much respect i now had for you, and i smiled and sunggled into the pillow and your pirate duvet and rolled onto my side where i knew i would be facing you, but i kept my eyes closed. Pretty soon i heard you sigh, lightly, contentedly, and roll over to face me. i wondered whether you had heard me roll, whether you had opened your eyes and seen me smiling, sleeping on my side, and i wondered if you had smiled and wanted to stroke my face and had rolled over to face me so that when i awoke i would have the same warm experience. i waited, savouring the moment, and opened my eyes. there you where, your summer skin and fuzzy, dark sandy hair, which trickled along your arms, framing your head, snuggling your white sheets, dreaming happily, against the sunny yellow walls of your bedroom. and i saw your beautiful little smile, so happy and so peaceful, and i wanted to stroke your face, and i was glad you had shared this experience with me, with such control, and i took a mental picture i had never seen one so radiant, gorgeous, angelic, i hoped i would never forget that image, and your decency, and our friendship. 070319 ... nom i can't sleep anymore 070320 ... pete I refused to move until I heard my roommate get up. I lay in bed for two hours that should have been spent studying. Or writing that precis that was due yesterday. Right. 070320 ... Ouroboros bad dreams- with a group of people, being hunted down and executed, full blown genocide- but even still, we were with dignity- giving cushions for those to sit comfortably on the floor.... and i awoke and the grey light was barely coming through the silver curtains. made coffee, ate some fruit, played on the internet. 070320 ... answer who knows? i don't know much about history, my brother didn't want to teach me about it. but if you read a couple of lines about what Karl Marx thought was a good idea... it would make a lot of sence. who said comminism doesn't work on a world wide basis? it only works though .. if you loose your ego and love each other. its as simple as anything else. why sell your house for money when you can swap it with an afriacn for a few weeks? 070320 ... braininpain ... and then the other and theprevious.. and...then...again. 070320 ... braininpain ...and then. the other or the previous...and then...again.not that morning anymore. 070320 ... nom there is nothing but rain 070322 ... TrueMe The house is quiet. My heart is still. My phone did not ring. I might be ready to venture out into the world for the day now. 070322 ... pete I woke to the soft alarm and fumbled Nickel Creek on. The sun burned bright orange in the East, beckoning only to be overtaken by rain clouds that now shroud this city. 070322 ... Iren3_adler You sent me an image. I opened it up in a night nurse haze: I am off sick. It was dark, blurry. Was it you? The more I think about it the more scared I am it was you in bed with someone else and there is no way of finding out. 10 secs and sleepy eyes do not work. Now my head is driving me insane. It does not get easier. Instead I am dreaming of an alternative life and wondering when I'll begin to forget. 141215 what's it to you? who go blather from