daf_help_please Teenage Jesus Hey Man- I'm ahaving a bad weekend (well a bad day anyway.) WHat I have to say would take several scroll downs, but I'll make it brief. My wife is naggin the shit out of me, and try as I might , my Taurus tendencies are close to making them selves felt. It's as if I can't do anything right (and I KNOW I'm doing nothing wrong!) I let her spend all the money she wants; she makes all the decisions as to our children, and how the house looks. We can't have a deiscussion about anything of any importance b/c she always plays the crying card on me. I am at a loss. I know this isn't much to go on , but I'll have more later. (I have taken a moment to slide up here to the office to wtite this. I won't be back until Monday. I know it's a generally good policy to let the wife have her way- but Geez- I do that and get nagged anyway. Don't get me wrong, she's a good person (the best I've ever known.) But I have had it. In return for my rolling over, I just want a peaceful existance! Is that too much to ask. Like I say, I'll fill in some blanks later. Thanx for letting me impose. Now I'm sneaking a GD cig (and as you know I quit smoking last year. SHIT!! Again, sorry for the load; but I felt you were amonf the only one I could trust for some non-ass-kissing input. (My people always tell me what I want to hear.) Later; and thanx. I'll check in on Monday! 011020 ... sheryl I'm not daf but I cannot resist putting in my two cents where it does not belong you need to put your foot down respect is an important part in a relationship and apearantly you don't respect yourself enough to stand your ground- thereby giving your wife her way with everything. since you don't respect yourself, your wife doesn't respect you either- and you know what? she wants to respect you. everyone wants to be with a partner who they can respect. I'm assuming at one time she had respect for you, since she married you. but since she doesn't now, she is unhappy about it. listen to this part carefully, she is nagging you because she wants you to say NO she wants your input she is unhappy in the relationship and she is begging for your attention there are deeper issues going on here, and this is the way she is expressing her unhappiness and the more you let her have her way without being a deciding factor in the decision making- the more you are going to resent her. and you are sending out a message to her that you just don't care enough about her or your children to participate in the decision makiing. that is the best answer I an give you based upon the information you have supplied 011020 ... dear blatherabby no. that's not entirely right. don't all of a sudden start telling her what to do and causing trouble. over aggression is the worst thing you could probably do right now. offer suggestions, help out here and there when you can, surprise her by cleaning the house or something. that's how you should show her you care, because I'm sure that is a concern of hers. talk to her about this, don't talk to daf. well, it's fine to talk to him, but not INSTEAD of your wife. don't get me wrong. if you really give her free range of spending rights...of your money, well, that's a bit much. that's just being a push-over. no one respects a push-over. so in that sense, sheryl's right. but don't just say, "look, I've had enough and I'm not gonna take it anymore! this is how it's gonna be from now on..." that will make things infinitely worse. just be kind, but not to the point where she's taking advantage of you. if she's making all the decisions, she's taking on stress. as long as you don't screw it up, she'll appreciate the help and that you understand that it really is a lot to take on. 011020 ... Teenage Jesus Thanx for the input- but I haven't given you a complete picture. First of all, I don't care about money...at all. It's just not important to me. And frankly she's much better at taking care of out business than I am. But she's got some major money issues. She grew up with PLENTY of it. And I provide a nice income. She just shops to damn much; it's a way she compensates for her depression (which comes and goes.) It stems from an extremely traumatic experience that she was a victim of twenty years ago. She was forced into therapy back then, and of course it was no help. I think it would be a big help now, but she's naturally aprenhensive. She almost started some time ago, but backed out. She is the best mother and an outstanding wife. I just want PEACE! I don't roll over- I call her on it when she's behaving irrationally. She just doesn't take it to well. Her childhood and mine were a lot different. Love was not a word that was used to often in her household as a youngster. It was every other word at mine. I come from a middle class family and I would not trade my upbringing for anything else in the world. ANyway DAF- please weigh in on this. You've been most helpful as a perspective provider in the past. I gotta go- today is a much better day BTW. It's just this in my opinion. When there's something that needs to be addressed, just do it. ANd then go on. I think most things are a hell of a lot easier if one admits that. No big deal. Many folks have faced worse. Just get on with it, eh. I love her more than anything in this universe. And I know she loves me deeply. I just want to decide where a picture gets hung every once in a while. My next blather will be of my usual non-sensical variety. Bye bye, and thanx again for the insight. 011021 ... Dafremen Well T.J. right off the bat, although I hate to generalize, what you have here is a power struggle. Control provides a measure of security to whoever has it. Seems that the missus needs security and a whole lot of reassurance that you are hers and that you aren't heading anywhere anytime soon. In a way, sheryl has a point, you probably do need to work on evening out the way the control is distributed do0d. I DON'T suggest putting your foot down, that would only get you both into a stubborn-pride-off which wouldn't do anyone any good. You want to reassure yer beloved that this isn't about your love for her changing or about a change in your committment to the relationship, but about addressing some of YOUR needs in this relationship. Not about you putting your foot down, but about you asking her to pick her foot up a little, so that you can maybe wiggle your toes a bit. You're absolutely correct TJ, you ARE entitled to some harmony in your life, especially at home, and you're entitled to some time for YOU, to do what YOU plan on doing. I ALSO give up the paycheck every two weeks. I learned a few years back that taking what I want from the paycheck BEFORE giving the remainder to her was a very important reminder in this relationship of the fact that we are a partnership, and my needs WILL be factored in. (I usually take a token amount..50, 60 bucks maybe a couple of hundred on a special occasion or a big check.) There was one other point that I eventually had to make: That I work because I choose to, and that if I choose to STOP working, everyone will be miserable. Here's what I did: I stated that if I wasn't going to be given my space, my time, and my peace and frigging quiet, that I would NOT be going to work in the morning or the next, or the next until I lost my job or until I got what I was asking for. She threatened to go to work. I told her to go ahead, I'd have dinner waiting for her when she got home. The important thing was that I approached it reasonably, without yelling. My protest wasn't belligerant, but calm, logical and very matter-of-fact. Restating my committment to the relationship, I also restated my committment to getting what I work my @ss off for: A couple of hours a night and a day a week to do what I want to do without hearing from ANYONE about it. Time for ME, Kunta "the 40 hour a week schmuck" Kinte'. Those are my preliminary thoughts T.J. More often than not, we find insecurity behind most power struggles. Power means security, control means knowing what will happen next in your life. Basically, she has much of what you need some more of. Approach it carefully. Be patient, but firm and you can reach a compromise. The missus and I now have an understanding on a few things: 1. I don't get pushed out the door in the morning, I leave when I'm ready to. 2. I get picked up from work when I call, no matter HOW many hours I have that day. 3. Spend what you will, but make sure the bills are paid and that I have everything that I need before the check demolition begins. 4. Give me some time NOT to worry about stuff EVERY DAY or I will make my own time and damn the consequences if I do. Let me know how it goes T.J. 011021 ... Dafremen Oh...one other thing, the reason that she plays the "crying card" is because it works. If it stopped working, she'd stop using it so casually and start saving it for emergencies. Careful how you approach it though, you need to constantly reassure her that this isn't a change in your committment to her or your love for her, it's your way of letting her know how important it is that she allow you to contribute your input to the relationship. Don't give into the crying, keep a calm rational voice and repeat that you love her, but that you're not giving in this time because this is VERY important to you. (Or something to that effect... you know her better than I do, I'm sure you'll come up with the perfect approach.) Like I said, be careful...removing the crying game from the picture is a very tricky maneuver, not for the faint of heart or the easily dissuaded. 011022 ... Teenage Jesus Thanx man. I will keep you updated. Gotta head home now- I'll get with you. Thanx for being there for me. Blather is indeed a useful tool. Kind of weird- being close to someone in this way. Ah, well, 21st century and all... Later... 011022 ... Teenage Jesus I just wanted to reiterate how helpful you were. As you may not know, my wife stays at home (by choice) with our two boys, 3yrs and 8 months respectively. As you might imagine, working the sex into the schedule is quite difficult, especially when you consider the fact that we all sleep together in the same king size bed. That having been said, we finally did work in some together time late the other night. Man, was that needed. I'm VERY glad (and very fortunate) to be married to a woman who is so committed to our family. But I worry about her being cooped up all the time. Good news though- she's going back to finish up her Masters Degree in the Spring. I may actually get to be a stay at home dad some day. (But I ain't holdin' my breath.) I could go on and on; but anyway, thanx for your unflinching Libran honesty. When I lived in Alabama, my assistant was a Libra, and I could always count on him for the truth. Don't look for a Libra to kiss your ass. The big boss was a Sag, and he was also truthful, but considerably less graceful with it. Anyway, I reserve the right to impose on you again when necessary. BTW- I forget where I read it, but I always love it when somebody new tears into you like I did when I first read your blathers. Your responces are so surgical. Keep up the good work; you may get that promotion yet at, hmmm, let's say, blather_corporate. 011024 ... Dafremen You know why I think we finally had to click do0d? Because we have so damned much in common. My missus also stays at home and takes care of the important half of the family's business, the domestic side. We also are very close, our kids will sleep in our room with us when we have guests and we've always been very close like that (course we've slept on the floor for the last 8 years). The money is ours, not mine and she knows that I think your missus does too. I didn't know all of these things about her. The missus does yard sales, then goes to swap meet or flea market and sells the stuff. She may lose, she may make some, but she'd spend it anyhow and this way she doesn't throw the money away AND she has something to do that she enjoys. (I'm going to get involved one of these days, we plan on making it a business of sorts) I wish I would have known more about the sex thing(wait...no I don't) because a light would have lit up immediately. After long periods without having certain needs attended to, many wives, ESPECIALLY bored and lonely domestic engineers, can become VERY insecure...more than usual. It's simple really, "If I ain't getting it...who is?" is the way this common insecurity manifests itself, and it's a legitimate concern no matter HOW long you have been married. Trust is one thing, being a sucker is another. Unfortunately, being alone tends to set Cancer women's imaginations to running wild and next thing you know she's going off on me for something that she IMAGINED me doing. Anyhow, yea man...gotta rub that booty everyday so she knows you still like the way it looks (and feels) and keep the compliments sincere, but regular. Then you can get by longer without the sex, say if stress or exhaustion have just killed yer appetite for being intimate. Oh and thanks do0d, I hope you realize that your were absolutely brilliant in your role of protagonist. I'm sure a lot of folx that read our back and forth were highly amused, entertained or irritated...anyway you look at it, we done good. Heheh "fancy pants"...had to throw a little Grandpa Daf into that one. Just to see if the lil bugger would take the bait, alas as of this blather, he has not. Sigh... I try so hard to give folx a good show, if only they'd give me a fourth of that back. Netertainment T.J. gotta love it. 011024 ... Teenage Jesus That imagination thing RE:Cancer women is SO right! I get in trouble when she's DREAMED I've done something!! Now I'm going home to rub that booty. Sure is great knowing (and I mean really knowing) that they are there, waiting for us when we get home. Whew- overwhelmingly wonderful stuff! 011024 ... Dafremen Hey TJ. Try this some time man: Go up to your missus and, for no particular reason, give her a big hug and ask her if she's ok. If she says yes, just hold her and kiss her on her nose and say that you just wanted to make sure she was happy and safe. If she says no, use a little baby talk (You poor dear...what's the matter baby?) to coax the problem (real or imagined) out of her and then empathize completely in every way with what she says, no matter how ridiculous. (I realize that feeling sorry for one's self is a fairly alien concept to folx like you TJ,but to women like ours, worrying and feeling sorry for themselves in secret is something of a lifestyle.) It turns out that THAT is exactly the way to give your little Moon girl what she wants. She wants someone to hear her silly (and not-so-silly) fears, without telling her how silly they are. Then she wants to hear that everything is going to be alright. Let me know how it goes. 020220 ... Teenage Jesus Thanx man. That's just the kick in the butt that I needed. She has been a little fearful lately (which is actually good b/c it's usually a LOT fearful.) More often than not, I make the mistake of making a fontal assault on whatever problem she presents me with. I solve it, and I'll be dogged if she don't find somethin' else to fret about! I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Thursday is actually a really good day for this, as she's not really keen on visiting at my grandmother's house. I think I'll get her a Vodka Freeze on the way home. She likes that. Tell me what ya'll have been up to lately. Where are you guys anyway? Things going well? One of these days, I'll just up and e-mail `ya... 020221 ... Teenage Jesus As long as I live daf, I don't think I'll ever understand her completely. It's as if depression is something to be nurtured and maintained. Crap. 020225 ... Dafremen Crabs have a hard time trusting ANYTHING completely. That's why they are so fearful, the world is constantly changing around us and to a Cancerian person, that's a nightmare. At the very least, I'm sure you can empathize with her caution. Thinking things over three times before doing them is a Taurus specialty. We're trying to make a go of it on our own, T.J. The kids are well and happy as are the two of us. 'miss my internet connection terribly, but I missed my family more and so I'm all the better for having suffered the loss. I just lost my webspace and that's bugging the piss out of me, but other than that, my life is as good or better than it has ever been. Thanks for asking : ) 020409 ... ferret about her depression, you should find out if she's bipolar. 030510 ... dafremen By the way, ferret...correct diagnosis. Good job. 080113 what's it to you? who go blather from