how_are_you_holding_up blown cherry I'm told I'm taking it quite well. But only by those not perceptive enough to notice that I'm trembling ever so slightly all the time, in an effort to hold myself together, and by those not discerning enough to know that I'll be sobbing and screaming my throat to shreds the minute I'm alone in the car. But how are you my dearest blather family? 041218 ... oldephebe Umm... Okay I guess.. Totally rendered speechless by your honesty though...intensity of expression...what can I say that won't be like b b's against a brick wall? feels like there's nothing to do but sweep up the ashes after watching the fire burn itself out. feel better - bCherry ... 041218 ... monee. i'm reminding myself of curtis from twitch city i haven't been outside in a while except for a moment or two here and there i used to go for walks everyday but right now i'm just so tired i look out the window but i don't go out i'm feeling disconnected perhaps more disconnected from 'nature' than some urbanite might feel i stay in my bedroom and paint or read or type as i listen to music i live with my family but i talk with them as little as possible each day because i don't want them to know how i'm feeling i watch tv with them sometimes but there is not much conversation i laugh loudly or talk about politics so they won't notice how sad i actually am sometimes i feel i am genuinely happy and those moments are good but few and far between my mom turned sixty recently and i didn't even bake her a cake like i'd been planning i caught myself yesterday crying into my bowl of cornflakes and i realized someone might see me so i finished eating in my room i hate my room but i'm glad i have a room i just want to move but i can't yet i was supposed to sell some paintings today but didn't get up early enough to catch the bus i've never sold a painting before so i worry that i'm just dreaming about that i checked the lump in my inner thigh yesterday and it hasn't improved i went to sleep last night with a really sore eye i woke up a while ago feeling a bit better but now the longer i'm awake the more tired i feel i've been feeling friendless for a long time i've gotten a few really nice letters lately and that has helped but i'm frustrated with myself because everytime i write i end up focusing on myself and my situation so much so i'm overly nervous about writing now but maybe i've always been overly nervous i played fiddle the other day for the first time in a long time it helps to play music but it is also tiring there is a movie i'm looking forward to seeing at the theatre but i don't know if i'll get to seeing it because of how i'm feeling i need a tube of white paint i've run out of canvases i spent all my money on clothes and a broken clarinet i might wear one of my new skirts to the new years bash but i have no one to go with and i don't feel like meeting anyone who might be there anyway except maybe this one guy who is not even interested in me everytime i go to one of those dances i end up sitting at the side and leaving early i feel ugly most of the time i think i'll wash some laundry today i'm thinking of seeing a doctor on monday but i'm scared i'm just feeling so fragile i don't know if i can if i do i might start sobbing uncontrollably like i do sometimes and i can't mention that i think i have ptsd to my family or my family doctor because i don't want my mother getting stressed and i don't want any doctors asking me a bunch of questions that'll only make me cry and i've had a lot of suicidal thoughts in my lifetime especially when i was younger but again over the past year i've thought of a hundred ways to kill myself which i know is just stupid it just seems like the best solution sometimes but i think i'm trying to get beyond i'm trying to focus on making art so i can find a way out that lets me live and i don't want to feel selfish i just want to live a long and happy life and there is so much here to live for everytime i hear that someone died i feel like i'm taking the world for granted and i don't want to take anything for granted i just want to be happy and healthy i'm sorry if writing all this is selfish of me i think i'm done now 041218 ... monee and yes i realize killing myself might stress my mother out more than bringing up the past so i don't make any sense) 041218 ... monee other than all that i'm fine) 041218 ... monee i think i'll go back to bed now) 041218 ... pete with strings, at different hieghts, watching the world speed by at different velocities, depending on the viewpoint of the moment, caught like so many spiders in its own web, spun by instinct (no food involved), and lost in the deep slumber of the months 041218 ... minnesota_chris Not too good. I've dropped out of one of my classes, because it was too hard. And I'm in the process of losing my job. It's hard to hold my head up. 041218 ... monee i'm not feeling suicidal anymore i think that's what i was trying to say i think i'm feeling better except for the eye and lump thing i don't know how i'll cope with that if it is something serious which it probably isn't but i am going to deal with that i think moving out will do me wonders maybe i'll be able to recover and get on with my life i think painting can be very therapeutic and if i can make a living out of it why not maybe i'll even start singing) 041218 ... monee and i hope everyone else will be okay sorry for taking up so much space with my words i need to learn how to condense my wordage. 041218 ... pSyche How are you holding up? I was worried about you when it rained. I know that tape doesn't keep all of your pieces together too well when it's wet. (and monee, don't wory about it. blather is rather infinite, is it not?) 041218 ... Splinty my hold-ups int holding up... 041219 ... misanthropic me I'm not. 041219 ... Mister Brightside occasionally the feeling starts to show on my face but then i remember that i_must_keep_reminding_myself_of_this and squash it back down like crushing leaf-litter down into the bin to fit more i am as hollow as the exoskeleton of a dried-up cockroach 041220 ... monee i stayed in bed today 041220 ... monee my nephews were here for a visit yesterday they cheered me up some but wore me out the walk to the bus stop so early in the morning did not appeal to my sleepy mind. 041220 ... pete monee, one can never take up too much space, that is against the nature of blather.. and your words are well read too 041220 ... monee thankyou pete, (and pSyche). 041220 ... you probably dont know who this is Brook, JS et al. The effect of early marijuana use on later anxiety and depressive symptoms. NYS Psychologist. 35–39, 2001. Green, BE and Ritter, C. Marijuana use and depression. Journal of Health and Social Behavior. 41(1):40–49, 2000. Brook, JS et al. Longitudinal study of co-occurring psychiatric disorders and substance use. Journal of the Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 37:322–330, 1998. 041221 ... monee was that aimed at me? 041221 ... monee or maybe you were talking about yourself, oops 041221 ... monee i'm just almost expecting someone to tell me i'm fucked "'cause of dope" or something along those lines 041221 ... monee forgive my egocentricity if your blathe was unrelated to me) 041221 ... monee maybe you were aiming that at someone else on this blathepage?) 041221 ... misstree by a kitestring with a bunch of multicolored Stuff at the other end 041221 ... blown cherry I'm not sure if I want to cry or not. I'm scared of what will happen if do. 041225 ... daxle even in death we manage some laughs 041225 ... Paula I don't know 041225 ... blown cherry oh man, I thought I was coping but I'm so not. So definitely entirely not. 041225 ... daxle i guess a coma is better than self destruction 041226 ... OOps... Asian_Tsunami... 041226 ... monee i'm wishing i hadn't written anything here 041226 ... misstree waiting for the other shoe to drop. (an' i lurve you always, monee, never wish back your words, no matter what, or you will be visited upon by much unneccessary emotional pain. every moment is valid for its own sake.) 041226 ... oE yeah girl Monee You're REAL so how are you holding up these days? ... 050611 ... nomme) still pretty much running in the same spot, but not entirely... 'better and worse' 'happy and sad' thanks for asking. and yourself? 050611 ... daxle everybody's happy nowadays 050612 ... her royal highness the quirk my fake smile is so convincing it's only at night that i let myself stare blankly until the tears come it isn't supposed to be like this 050613 ... a chaotic gift to idealism "my fake smile is so convincing it's only at night that i let myself stare blankly until the tears come it isn't supposed to be like this" i wish i could have said it better but what's to say when it has been said at its best? How am I holding up? I am not... I am just living. 050613 ... Lemon_Soda I'm doing alright. My bills/income ratio is at 2/1, I have to go in for oral surgery, I failed the state exam for my liscense(by 3 friggin points), I run on about 4 hours of sleep a night average, I haven't had any time with my dogs except to feed and potty them for about 3 weeks now, I work 12 hours a day, and my parents keep pushing me to go out with a specific girl. BUT, I AM doing alright. Could be alot worse and I've got a good handle on solving all of the above. All in all I think I'm holding up just fine. Anyone need a shoulder to cry on? I'm good for that... 050613 ... jane i'm essentially homeless but my two suitcases are in my friends student housing i'm going to classes four days a week but i have to wait so long for the bus i'm doing okay i met a guy its hard to be apart the air around my bed is dull & heavy like a sad woman but no one remembers when i wrote that i want to write more but i'm too self critical i watch too much tv or am on the internet too much i take too many pills i just want to get better for god's sake i hate these pills but i'd rather take care of someone else's problems so mon monee nomme if you ever want to talk you let me know you know my roommate my email is lauren@nyu.edu 050613 ... neesh oh oral surgery is physically the worst thing i've ever been through in my life. 3 months of purest hell; couldn't speak, spit or eat for the first week, and i can't really afford to lose weight. i'm so with you lemon_soda, hope you get through it ok. 050613 ... doar by rusty chains 050613 ... Lemon_Soda Must have it cut out or it'll grow so big it'll eat my brain. And none of us would want that would we? thnx 4 the support 050613 ... oldephebe I'm responding to monee's ? of 6/11/05 I guess things could be worse and I guess bucking up, MANning up is my only choice, ah...me and my son have moved but unfortunately the harrassment continues, my advesary who is in great pain continues to thrash around madly and thier family right along with them. Thier bellicose postures and desperate manuevers to the drumbeat of madness is by gradations the machinery of brutality is desperately trying to keep itself from grinding to a halt, emotion, passion even kindled in hell's hottest forge/hole is still FEELING, any kind of movement is passion and passion must move or else it withers. This is the plight of the unfortunate people who have seemingly at random found a scape goat for thier sickness and depravity. Hope you are doing a little better though.. be well ... 050721 ... oldephebe I'm responding to monee's ? of 6/11/05 I guess things could be worse and I guess bucking up, MANning up is my only choice, ah...me and my son have moved but unfortunately the harrassment continues, my advesary who is in great pain continues to thrash around madly and thier family right along with them. Thier bellicose postures and desperate manuevers to the drumbeat of madness is by gradations the machinery of brutality is desperately trying to keep itself from grinding to a halt, emotion, passion even kindled in hell's hottest forge/hole is still FEELING, any kind of movement is passion and passion must move or else it withers. This is the plight of the unfortunate people who have seemingly at random found a scape goat for thier sickness and depravity. Hope you are doing a little better though.. be well ... 050721 ... FUCK YOU I'M NOT. 080313 ... FUCK YOU I'M NOT 080313 ... . . 080313 ... Arwyn I'm not... If I were home, I'd have cut myself a million times over and this time, fuck the quick little scratches from the razor... I'll use that kitchen knife... the one that's serrated that will cause the most damage. I want it deep... I want my pain to show forever. I want people to know that I'm more fucked up than their pathetic lives and that your feigned sympathy won't make it go away. 080314 ... minnesota_chris would my feigned sympathy get me a free slice of pizza? 080314 what's it to you? who go blather from