despair
amy i hate this word.
nothing to do.
nowhere to be
noone to help

a good indication that i need to reexamine the possibilities.
000206
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Joana. Fingernails sinking on the wall
Crushed by the built bricks
I stare at the cement
I cannot leave this hole
I cannot move
And I crave for food and sleep
No one can hear me outside
I have screamed and my throat is sore
They cannot listen
And I'll be trapped in here
Until my black angel comes
And frees me from my despair
000429
...
unhinged i have sunk comfortably into my literary world of despair dark and sweet. jeff knew it right: "i love you but i'm afraid to love you." i despair for the dream that will never come true. i despair for every moment that could be spent some other way but this. i despair about loving you completely, wholely, not at all. i have been a master of the futile almost my entire life. some things never ever change. 010207
...
kx21 Karma(s)...

Under the stars, there is a way to move away from this state / shit, that is

to get closer to NOTHING, or more precisely, the_Gene_of_Nothing with
the_Power_of_Creativity...
010208
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camille this isn't the word that describes it's meaning 010713
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Casey Sometimes I think it is the only emotion I know 010713
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Special K "Despair the twin-born of devotion."
Algernon Charles Swinburne

or perhaps, on a poorer day,

"Now conscience wakes despair
That slumber’d,—wakes the bitter memory
Of what he was, what is, and what must be
Worse."
John Milton
010803
...
once why...
i only ment to...
it was just a...
we were just having fun...
how did it go so far...
what happens now.
010803
...
silentbob you built me up and you broke me down 020418
...
Syrope so many feelings inside, i want to know how to get rid of them. i need to be purged. i let you in, unprotected, and now look at me. despair and helplessness, anger and bitterness, churning. the question throbs in my abdomen, my center. it presses at my throat, my eyes, my fingertips, trying to escape. i don't know how much longer i can wait... 020527
...
blown cherry Sometimes, I don't mind living in Despair.
It's familiar, and the swamps are nice.
020606
...
paste? it just hit me like a ton of crystal nails

...

...

...

...

...

shock
who was i
how did it get to be this bad

...
020819
...
oldephebe read any line written by oldephebe i'm drenched in it

can't go without my daily dose of despair
would any of us be here in blather if not for its relentless march upon our really inspired resiliency? i mean this is the thing we fast in these fires - we plumb the purple infinities -

it makes a mind howl
it takes us to some inescapable truths
it strips everything away
and then ya see
what it is you've turned out to be
none of us knowingly bequeath ourselves to its torment - or do we
and sometimes you can't sing it to sleep with narcotics or abhorrent little aphorisms
sometimes ya just gotta deal
and let it shape its steel in you
and sometimes you think "if she or he or they just uttered that phrase or some semblance of a sentiment your aching heart has longed to hear then that would break its teeth
stop its breath
stop its unendurable dopplering
down in you
rending psychic fissures
sculpting out its name
despair
its in you what you need
its there in you
not some formula, not some blind obeisance to symbols and systems
but its there, the steel the capacitiy
to harden to deal every day
we must contend against the dying light
or at least those who are in its throes
despair this is what steals the brightness out of a childs eyes
makes him surly and mercurial and all that - in that moment in those moments we choose how we're gonna be for the rest of our days sometimes
despair does it only impoverish us make us destitute, vulnerable
or does it bequeath something ultimately enriching, the experience that teaches us or tells us hey i've done this before i've come through
i'm more than they think
more than even i know
i've failed i've fallen
i'm flawed and oh so finite
but every time i rise there is more steel behind the eyes
its wisdom wrote itself out of the storms of my squalor in the blacknes of my shuddering being i found something i always needed something that will always be there
Me
and i will never allow someone else or something to become the vessel of all my hope
i will not let my being be obliterated by the things i tell myself about Me
today this is how i feel
tomorrow maybe not
but the foundation has been set and poured in
do not let doubt and despair win
030710
...
paranoid martyr singing waiting by the stairs
waiting, i despair
030710
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crimson When I find myself still concious at 3AM, I want to open the pill box under my bed and take a few or the tablets- just enough to make me sleep. But I know that if I start swallowing I wont want to stop.

We can't have that happening again. Not after what that resulted in last time.

All of this comes from strungout desperation.
030722
...
Clarey I feel despair. I can't stand to go on in this world, but I can't stand to let everyone down.

I WANT TO DIE

I can't handle it any more. I want it so much. I just don't know what to do. I'm never happy. I make everyone else unhappy by being unhappy.

Do I want to go & make it worse for them, but better for me? Or do I go on feeling like this?

Why won't anyone help me? Why do they leave me alone when I feel like this?

I want to die I want to die I want to die.

The End xx
030805
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oldephebe oh God
please hold on
please don't extinguish
that sacred breath Divinity has poured into you. i don't know if are a person of Faith. But forgive my presumption, forgive me for treading into the sacred preserve of your pain and suffering, sometimes what helps me is what i tell myself about myself and my life - and sure that sounds like smoke out of the old anal cavity but ah really i dont't want to be inordantly presumptuous - i'll just say please hold on
you are such a sacred singularity
nothing and no one like you in all the cosmos - just a little longer hold on,
and sure here's me trying to give a pep talk - and sometimes honestly i can't even hoist up my own heart - sometimes the things we tell ourselves about what's happening in us or around us , you know it becomes a self fullfilling prophesy - and again please forgive my not asked for advise
...
030805
...
Tin Sloth Someday I will succomb to my dispair
knee deep in a sludge composed of
tears and sweat and sex and chunks
of my heartstomachspleen.

and I slip further.
031109
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REAListic optimIST as long as you have your heartstomachspleen to stand on, tin, you will make it! 031109
...
jane sartre, once interviewed, said that he had never really felt a day of despair in his life.

snow is despair. i walk home in this rainy rain & i get home & look out the window ...

it's snowing.
again.

the inpenetrable weather, with unforgiving persistence. its beautiful but i hate it.
040118
...
pansy black thoughts.
my soul is crying.
heart has broken apart.
my hands have surrendered. [so have my legs]
my tears are too heavy. [to be picked up from the floor]
my body is red form tearing memories.
040127
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oE pansy...that was amazing..AND i hope you feel better...soon. 040328
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manual look for ways to repolarize every fear. flip your pole, do it everyday. take kx's advice, little by little. or, don't. see if i care. 040328
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pansy only a peck on my heart
and gentle hands that would protect it
then my heart will start its life
[and i'll feel better]

but i guess i'll have to wait for it
040604
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oldephebe and so here's me not hoisting my heart or flag and trying to catch my breath, here's me, a homeless dog haunting the echoes of your beautiful words... 040604
...
pansy now even butterflies are black... 040625
...
pansy barely standing
trembling
i life my
lead eyelids
world is shaking
and i'm drowning
in my regret
not being able to
reach your hand
040712
...
pansy *i lift my... 040728
...
oldephebe Oh god of mine
my god i lied
holy god
i'm finding
every day
the ache of ego
is unending
in all of us
i'm leaning on the everlasting alms
cause my arms
are so damned tired
of holding my head up
of holding someone else's
malice ridden ego aloft
upon my earnest wings of grace
god of mine
oh god i lied
smile upon this
sick bed
i've never known a moments peace
till i looked in your eyes
god of mine
holy god
friend to my heart
god i lied
as i lay me down
upon the stinging bed
of my rebuke
i've never known a moments
peace till i looked
into your
e y e s
filled with love
for me

excerpted from "Leaning on the Everlasting Alms" a new contemplation lyrics and music by Stan Whyte for the Autumn Fire CD Project copyright 2004
...

our egos really do tether us endlessly to a place of pain, whether we are over-sensitive or overly aggressive, everything comes back to ego
i'd like to be free of IT, my ego, i'd like to look into makinds eyes with a heart, a glowing egoless heart...
...
040729
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pansy thank you, oldephebe 040811
...
pansy today
my soul has been raped
smashed
into thousand little pieces
again

will i ever learn
not to open my heart?
040826
...
penelope no. you may find yourself falling or wanting to believe the next bypasser who says something relevant to your story. just because ten have hurt you the next one may not even if the odds are against your trusting nature. 040826
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rockfreq i see her but she doesnt notice
she walks past
i call out
a turn
a slight, brief movement
have i caught her eye?
does she notice me?

-(no this is not another cliched poem)-

she walks
her tan blinds the geeks by the library
they writhe on the floor,
but i pity them not
my eyes are
elsewhere
she smiles and the clouds leave
she laughs and the devil crys in spite
i am filled with despair and glory
as she holds me
and finally she knows

but she will never read this, and if she could it would not change a thing.
i love you kati
041110
...
suicidalchinadoll tall and tan..and young and lovely..
the girl from impanema goes walking..
and as she passes
each one she passes..
goes ah..

...you made me think of it...
041110
...
oldephebe we sing our sad little aria's

and

all of these tapestries of trajedy

and one more voice

recites a sad tale

i laid here in bed

with my eyes open all night

the paint is peeling on the ceiling

as the candle breathes its last

as the old ghosts disintern the past

a life so far removed from me

that i can't believe it was my own

let drop the curtains

let the show begin

and

.....I

..Oh I

...still looking for the end

like a log lost lover

...
041126
...
laced won't you sing me the blues
sing me something my heart can use
misery loves a symphony
041127
...
oldephebe Well. When my site is finally up I'll plenty of stuff you can listen to and an oppurtunity for ah constructive criticism as well. I owe about 10 or 15 people some mp3 files and I have been lax (well rather i'm a harsh judge of my own work so i keep trying to polish them over and over again to amke sure up to snuff)..so if you feel like it you can wait till my site is up..Or email your address or PO Box number to oldephebe@hotmail.com or autmnfyre@yahoo.com and I'll get you out a CD sampler of some reimagings of christmas carols. It's mostly alternative stuff, kinda dark and soo..not your usual hot red vinyl plastic pop christmas tunes.
...

hope you feel better at some point..
...
041127
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stylea{color:#10103f;}/style . 041129
...
style a {color:#9f9fff ;} /style fix 041129
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andru235 fear not: from this there is escape
for me, it's someone in a cape
a hero that i have not met
the only one whom i'll abet

though now, i'm so far from his side
we join and part, so like the tide
though in some lives we separate
we then meet again and it is great

and yet, too often i despair
despite my claim to 'au contraire'
i live alone and so i mope
some days i haven't any hope

but then again, some days i'm free
i'm secure in eternity
i know that infinite permutations
eventually bring ideal relations
041228
...
milo [in the back seat of a car] 041228
...
luktorn is enevitable 050318
...
mon uow "despair
is not an ocean

it is a sea you walk upon till your feet are sore"

- bpNichol, the martyrology book 1
050318
...
nick is a word that means what our souls always feel the only cleanser is happieness a happieness that can't be achieved. 051219
...
emmi when i was born, i wish someone had warned me that my life wouldn't be worth living. 060919
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from