suicidal
;) now_more_than_ever 021210
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jennifer hard to imagine this word isn't used yet...

over two

am I still?

yes
030313
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jennifer maybe it is 030313
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wingedSerpent Tendencies 030314
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rich its the type of personality that people who are victims of society have. disillusionment, and constant unhappiness are all too common in current times 030925
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ferret please, don't do it. form together with others like yoruself. make a rebellion, have a cause, show others your pain and maybe they will understand in time. don't get discouraged if it doesn't work immediately. over time, more and more people will start to take notice... 030925
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Artichoke No, it would not work. I'm looking for instant gratification. 040214
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emily am i suicidal am i
i dont know
i look at my wrists
yes they have scars
i look at my medications
yes there is less then there shoudl be
i look into my mind
yes there is an emptiness
there is pain
hurt
betrayel
anger
will
will?
yes.
no? i dont know
i dont know if its the will for death or the will to survive
im so broken
i dont know myself
im scared
alone
battered
beaten
spoiled
but am i suicidal
i think when i was in hospital i lay in my bed all the time i remember it, but like it was not me liek ti was a show on television
i lay in my bed and watched the ceiling. it was an unfamilier cieling.
i had my discman and i had "new machines" by switchkicker ( ill post the lyrics)
mad world by gary jules
the noose by perfect circle
beautiful (ill post them too) by crazy town (they amde ONE good song okay)
for the first week i lay there and listened to them. i thik i wa in shock my prants came everyday and i remeber them tlkaing but i didnt hear i think i turned myself away (in my mind nto body) from what they were saying
in the second weeka guy started to come in my romo and sit there a lot. at first i didnt pay any attnetion but the nurse started to come in too and they woudl tlka and i woudl lie there one day when she elft i sked (i dont knwo why) why was he there and he started liek literally jumped. i think i was angry i dont know but i thnki so i must have sounded horrible i think he somethgn about everyone needeing someone there and me saying somethgin about people being worthless and if people cared id be dead or something i can still remember the look on hsi face utter incomprehension so much concern so muich worry

so much pity

i hated him
hated him for being there
hated him for nto understandign whay i wanted to die hated him for everythgin and all the while i hated him i hated myself even more. i ahetd being weak i hated lwettign him see me cry i hated him touching my shoulder my arm my wrist i felt like i was an anuimal tryign to be tamed by some save the world guy.

after about three days i think i spoke to him it turned out he was an inturn at the hospital and had finished the last week but asked to stay on.
apparently i intrigued him.

how demeaning

the night we first spoke i was lost i idbnt knwo what i was saying i cant remember any of it i can only remember thigns i was told alter on. i still cant

he wasnty there constantly anymore though he still came in, and was quiet. for some reason i wanted hiom tot lka to me i wanted to now about him btu i didnt ask i wasnt going to let him win. hjow much of a fool was i.

i can still remember the first smile he gave me, it was kinda crooked. but i cant remember anythig else the way he looked the words he said nothing.

and i wont give my parents the satisfction of asking.

i think i needed him though. i needed something to help me out fo that phrase. now im bakc in it, nto to the same degree but im there i knwo it. but hes not hes abck home
whereever hgoem is




i envy his friends
040529
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Lint Lover Watching a movie called "Sylvia" about the poets Sylvia Plath and her husband Ted Hughes.
She got famous writing mostly suicidial poems and then she went through with her threat and killed herself.
040529
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Lint Lover "All I wanted was a Pepsi but she wouldn't give it to me, just one Pepsi and she wouldn't give it to me..."

"It's ok, I'll probably get hit by a bus anyhow"
040529
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Pop The Blue Pills suicidal me,
just me n myself,
oh! and the knife,
a little blood to shed,
for my life is over,
maybe ill take some pills,
the blue ones from my drawer,
let me die
Leave me alone..
040627
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probably literally that's right and before i go i just want to say that you are all a bunch of fucking cocksuckers 040628
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Squalidangel I would like to think I wasn't a cocksucker.
Also that you really aren't serious ...
040628
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Lila Pause It's a sunny monday afternoon and suicide knocks.
But I don't have the time to indulge such passing whims. Too much work. Too much ______. Too much half-hearted living to do...
- But I guess I can squeeze it in.
Yes, I know, I'll squeeze it into my break!
One should always make the time to see old friends...
041017
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monee ideation 041218
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pneuma_9000 I tried to kill myself. I took 65 extra-strength tylenol (I don't know if the 'extra-strength' means anything), washed them down with a couple cans of coke and even some salycylic acid just for the hell of it. Then, when I was horking my liver into the toilet in one of the bathrooms in the campus residence, I got too chicken, or maybe the nausea was just too bad, and I blubbered to my friends and they took me to a hospital and I got stuck in a psych ward for two weeks. I had to make excuses to family, friends, and work. They all looked at me weird afterwards. Eventually I burned the bridges between me and my family, I am losing friends slowly because I just want to sleep all the time and not have to talk to anyone, and I can't hold down jobs. I can't write stories or draw anymore cause the psychiatrist put me on medications. I sliced my back up with a key, and sliced up my arm some more with an exacto knife. But the rush was only transient, and the scars are there for the rest of my life, and people stare at them. But I will kill myself someday. And when I finally die, I will give one last sigh of ultimate pleasure as Oblivion turns my consciousness into dust and then I wont think anymore, wont feel anymore because I HATE HAAAAAAAATE my mind. 060214
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. it_all_exists 060214
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epitome of incomprehensibility I wish I could offer you some words of comfort (given that you may say, "shut the f*** up or something) but although I've felt depressed often enough I've never wanted to kill myself; it's just not in my brain chemistry. Try this,if you like. Be angry. Very bitter and angry. Don't take it out on anyone else, just shut yourself up and write angry things or whatever. Afterwards, when you can't think of anything else angry you'll probably feel better. Maybe. I don't know. 060215
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all birdmad wants is a pepsi (just one pepsi) i'm not crazy!!!

(except, maybe, when i am)
060215
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phil Is opposite the serial killer, a suicide victim? 101011
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superleni one of my dear old friends killed himself a few weeks ago.

i wish he hadn't have. i wish i understood why.

it just sucks.
101012
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"Psychodynamic theorists often postulate that suicidal guilt seeks punishment, and thus suicide is a sort of self-execution. But Baumeisterís theory largely rejects this interpretation; rather, in his model, the appeal of suicide is loss of consciousness, and thus the end of psychological pain being experienced. And since cognitive therapy isnít easily availableóor seen as achievableóby most suicidal people, that leaves only three ways to escape this painful self-awareness: drugs, sleep and death. And of these, only death, natureís great anesthesia, offers a permanent fix." 120109
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thy ?

someone out there loves you...
and theres someone out there that you love too.†friends, family, your cat or dog even.
whoever you are, you_are_loved.

also,

tsunami_bomb - 5150 is a kick-ass song.
120110
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srealisma (new day) as for the theories above, i can see it both ways.

but my thought is that after awhile there SEEMS to be a logical thought that it's all been too much, it is all too impossible, and it seems like good-enough time to die, and i'm not going to put myself through whatever it is i think life is putting me through, or something. a lack of flexible adaptation strategies.

a lie you can tell yourself, to cheer yourself up. actually it (sometimes) works i think:

heeee's a reeeeallll nowhere man.
sitting in his nowhere land.

(i don't know however that goes.)
120110
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thy i love that song.

are you condoning suicide?
120110
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srealisma (new day) no, i'd say no. i don't blame most, though. unless they really do something bad beforehand that would deserve some serious reprimand, and then commit suicide to avoid that. in some cases, though, it's hard to be judge, so i can't think of why i should bother.... let angels, masterly types, deceased friends take care of many of those things. of course, sometimes i suspect that those are the very entities that have caused, inadvertantly or not, the suicide, so there can be no escaping how hard it can get. i think this is can be true, and also that thought might very well be cognitive and/or biological defect.

or it's Chiron... chiron whatever chiron stop it.
120110
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ungreat Complete lack of self worth. The longterm looking no better than the short term. Increasing debt. Not feeling connected to any one on a real level lately. No idea why I might have these thoughts. Not that they're going to be acted upon, just they're there in the background of everything. 120110
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Ouroboros I was. It lingered in the background for a long long time, came to the forefront, and I made the decision that no, I like being alive in this world. And since I let my suicidal urges have a voice without pushing them away, they haven't come back. 120111
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unhinged when it happened to me, the thought of ceasing to exist was the only thing that seemed to bring me any relief.

there was a wide chasm between my rational mind and all the pain that i just couldn't cross no matter how hard i tried. i tried; friends, drugs, self_mutilation , blather, rock and roll. and there were some seriously sticky moments where that wasn't working and i had a blade in my hand pressed to my wrist.

it doesn't have anything to do with fucking cognitive adaption theories. pull your head out of your ass. it has to do with intense real fucking human pain. pain too large for the brain to comprehend.

the blade in my hand narrowed the chasm between my rational mind and my heart just long enough for some strange survival intstinct to kick in the made me throw the blade across the room and eventually crawl into bed to live and cry and bitch and moan another day.

i look for good things everyday. i usually find at least one. i smile at even the littlest things. i say hello to the mountains. i help old ladies buy clothes and coats they don't really need.

but the shadow of the day i almost gave up is never far away.
120112
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that girl over there so very.
i just can't seem to shake it this time.
130605
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unhinged i don't act on my feelings like i used to; years of meditation will restrain impulses like that. but i still get that feeling, that thought, that wouldn't it be such a relief if it all just ended. if it all just stopped one day. this stupid struggle.


i don't always see the end as death though either, another benefit of the meditation. but how i wouldn't mind a cave somewhere, high up in the mountains where other humans don't go.
130606
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