if_only_i_was_more_afraid endless desire then maybe i would have stayed clean and not moved to a place that parties every night. maybe i wouldn't have started doing blow again. i mean, weed and shit and X and salvia and pills... all of it seems tolerable. but once coke comes my way, i mine as well have sold my soul. they said it would only get worse if you went back and im so, so scared... but not enough to stop me. i don't even hold my breath long enough to think. truly, i don't want to think. i just want to live. so i go out at night and all of the sudden it's morning and so i just keep living all day and then it's night and i live all night and then it's morning and i live all morning and all night and then the stash dries up and im curled in a ball wondering why i feel so sick and why i keep seeing people walk by out of the corner of my eye. then the idea of food and sleep comes to mine, but i figure i can hold out on food a little longer and just sleep. and by the time i eat, the food tastes like poison and my stomach can't tolerate it. and so if it wasn't enough that i finally went off the meds that made me gain so much weight in the first place, i also either have mono or some sort of stomach virus that makes me intolerant to most food, and im doing white drugs like crazy. my mom thinks anything smaller than size 5 is close to death. jeezus she needs to calm down. i blame it on my health and blame it on my health and blame it on my health. and today smoked some dank chronic laced with my codiene and thought i'd actually eat something, and i couldn't get myself to do it. and i blame it on my health. it's really not my health at all. i just wouldn't let myself believe that i would do this again... clothes from years and years ago hang on me and adam tells me not to lose anymore weight. at least my grandma will be happy. she was always telling me i was too fat in some subtle way. i should be more afraid. i should be more afraid that im falling in love with adam and he does so much drugs. im intoxicated with the way he looks at the world as a musician and such an intelligent person... and hell, he's 22--he's got four years of life to tell me about. but there's so many paychecks and so many opportunities and i sold all my grocery money away to buy coke anyway. god im so so so scared ive what im going to become again. but just not enough. damnit ... just not enough. 061012 ... Death of a Rose sounds like you've gone and ignored all the helpful history we blatherers have tried to put out there endless. and I know for a fact that the shit your mouth is tasting right now.....will only get worse, because you've put yourself there. it seems that the female species (at least the humans ones to my knowledge at least, and it still remains quite limited in it's scope of expertise) is suseptible to addiction more readily than males. i'm bleeding tears right now ED...because I tried to warn you in my own cryptic way. Ce La Vie Mon Cherie. 061012 ... des you make me feel like a lost cause. 061013 ... Doar you aren't a lost cause...but the travel back will be arduous at best, downright hellish at worst. . 061013 ... Doar and I apologize if I came across as writing you off as a lost cause ED. Us blatherers (blatherskites) only want not to see you flush yourself down the drain. *abases himself and proffers any sort of help he can provide* 061013 ... stork daddy i know it's not that easy. what the world does with prettiness, what prettiness does with the world. i hope you find a peaceful mind. amidst the wreckage and fecal work weeks, there's flowers and smiling kids. and you'll never be as beautiful to those party kids as you want to be. it just can never happen, until you're empty just like them. and then you can't even feel about it. but you'll catch a view of the truly blissed life out of the corner of your eyes. i say focus on it one night, after you've made yourself too sick. focus on it when it's too hard to eat. try to slingshot yourself into forgetting that they're waiting for you always, always new ones. try to remember something else is waiting. maybe not always in all ways better, but definitely a platform from which you've got a shot at something that might be best of all. i know that's not sensible what i just wrote. i think it was for me. but i hope you shake this off ed. 061013 ... Doar Stork man, I hope your words can bring her back, better than my direct clumsy words. . 080315 ... Lemon_Soda More than anything...the addicted should not be given up on. The feeling of being a lost cause is more addictive to them than any drug...because its all the permission they need. and DoaR, what you and I want for Endless, and how we put it here in the blue, does not make her decision for her...she does. (you never call anymore, you know.) 080316 ... unhinged only a last cause when you're dead i'm not sure about there being more female than male addicts. i knew my fair share of male coke and smack heads. despair can infect anyone without them knowing how it got there. numbing the pain, hiding it behind a sensory overload seems to be the only thing that will work. it seems like the only choice when it feels like no one loves you. and cigarettes and alcohol soon find weed and then pills and then coke or smack. i remember when i stood at the edge of my depression and threw myself over with all the drugs i could get my hands on. the only reason i never got into anything too hard, people i loved around me had already slipped down that slope and i felt like i might be letting them down if i followed them. my_depression_is_a_hole_in_the_ground ? like a shroud a blanket a cloud and it stops the love from getting through the only thing that could chase it away i remember those dark dark days when fear was replaced by numb cause physically biologically chemically we can only handle so much fear before we do anything we can to get rid of it 080316 ... Doar I know LS....but I feel that some of my responses to her last words might have made her feel rejected and alone. Just crack my shell and eat my soft cancer innards. And dude, you have to call and write too, you know. Take care unhinged, I hope you find someone to heal your heart and tears. . 080316 ... endless desire i have 14 months clean & sober today (the 19th). i went to rehab last january after being arrested twice in three months. and now i have completely turned my life around and i am really happy and fulfilled. and i have more than a year off drugs. i totally forgot all about this. jeezus christ. i tell my story at meetings and to people with less time than i have and i always end up telling them that i just forgot about the program and everything that i learned. but apparently i didn't. apparently i wondered why i wasn't heeding the messages AA had taught me in the midst of my drug use. but it just wasn't enough. crazy. my life is incredible now. i have a great job. a great apartment. i fear depression more than i fear relapse, because i guess that's the first step to relapse for me. anyways, i could go on a tangent about how good things are. and what's hard. and what the whole journey has been like. maybe i'll post it somewhere sometime. i just wanted to let you know that i'm alive, i'm okay. 080319 ... unhinged words don't seem like enough, but truly, i'm glad you are better. 080319 ... jane thank you, e. 080319 ... endless desire I'm still standing. I'll have 23 months sober tomorrow. Life is really amazing. I just need to remember where I came from so I don't end up back there. I miss the blue. 081217 ... Traveller Oh Christ Endless, I am filled with so much relief that you are still here, still sober, still alive. Please know that, as mother sounding as it will be heard, I cannot express how much I have wanted to stumble upon your words here in blue. Many hugs lass. And may your New Year bring continued happiness and sobriety. Whew! 081217 ... hsg wise your name endless_desire? 081218 ... Doar I don't believe you.... addiction will say anything to your soul.... I am addicted too ED. Your heart, please fight it. I am living and I still breathe. You are still here within blather and my heart. Stay alive and sober, each day is a struggle. Stay Alive. . 100825 ... Doar I don't believe you.... addiction will say anything to your soul.... I am addicted too ED. Your heart, please fight it. I am living and I still breathe. You are still here within blather and my heart. Stay alive and sober, each day is a struggle. Stay Alive. . 100825 ... Doar I don't believe you.... addiction will say anything to your soul.... I am addicted too ED. Your heart, please fight it. I am living and I still breathe. You are still here within blather and my heart. Stay alive and sober, each day is a struggle. Stay Alive. . 100825 ... Doar I don't believe you.... addiction will say anything to your soul.... I am addicted too ED. Your heart, please fight it. I am living and I still breathe. You are still here within blather and my heart. Stay alive and sober, each day is a struggle. Stay Alive. . 100825 ... endless desire I'm still here DOAR. I'm kind of boring because everything's fine. I'm still clean all this time. Don't drink, don't smoke. I don't even stay up late. I just study and work and pay all my bills. I'm not depressed anymore. Took my last antidepressant over a year ago. I had been on them since I started here 7 years ago. I still have troubles, but they're life troubles. They're not suicide or cutting or drugs or eating disorders or rehab or arrests. I love this place for seeing me through all that. But this is the other side. It really is. I never thought I'd be anywhere near normal. 100913 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Don't worry about "normal" life being "boring"... obviously you know that "boring" is better than depressed/addicted... what I'm trying to say is that even in a supposedly normal life enough things happen to make it weird and interesting (in both good and bad ways). Or maybe I just find little things exciting. Like writing (supposedly) witty dialogue in stories. Or finding three dimes on the ground in the course of a week. I'm also getting over some difficult behaviour from my not-so-distant past... maybe I'll find some way to elaborate either here on blather or in some of my other writings, but not now. I can sort of, I think, relate to the feeling-better feelings you express. I with you peace and joy and laughter and incongruity, . . 100914 ... unhinged (if only you would have believed me when i told you i know how you feel just_because i didn't nod_off wouldn't shake could take care of myself you didn't believe me so i sat next to you long after i should have walked away hoping you'd believe me) you owe me money a rather stupid amount and you offered to pay off a small part of it with your food stamps i could afford to buy my own groceries but part of me wants to call to make you come to the store with me to shop for groceries like normal couples do i wish i was more afraid of thinking of 'us' as a 'couple' i should be more afraid because i heard you say 'i don't want to hurt your feelings' one too many times too little too late 100914 ... never alone with Jesus I didn't mean to know You and befriend You just to go away i pray someday you'll see this and forgive me, tweak cu i love you, kid and that will never changed signed *maude loves harold and NO I am not a cougar chik 100920 ... Doar damn, I'm sorry Des, This note you posted, I didn't find until now. And your reactions to my other posts, I now understand. I thought you had gone, slipped into the unknown, like I did. I wanted something better for you, in my reaction, but in doing so, i think i caused you hurt. i deeply apologize des, it was never my intent to hurt you, i was only trying to be a friend. i still have the picture you sent me, and it will remain with me until my end. i'm sorry. . 101201 ... Doar is prostrate b4 you and I am so very happy for your Des. Please believe that. Because you deserve to not only believe in yourself and live, but also to be able to experience life with a clarity that gives you everything you need to be you. . 101202 ... endless desire DOAR, can you remind me what I sent you? Was it when we all made christmas cards for each other? I miss those blather days. You were all the closest friends I had. I'm not sure if you will see, or if you still wonder. But I'm still all out of trouble. I'll have 6 years sober in 10 days. I'm actually getting married in August. I go to my dream college studying my dream major. We have these two great dogs that drive us crazy. I don't know if I would still be here if it wasn't for blather to keep me grounded. I love this place. DOAR, you were never anything but wonderful to me. I always knew that. 130108 ... endless desire DOAR, can you remind me what I sent you? Was it when we all made christmas cards for each other? I miss those blather days. You were all the closest friends I had. I'm not sure if you will see, or if you still wonder. But I'm still all out of trouble. I'll have 6 years sober in 10 days. I'm actually getting married in August. I go to my dream college studying my dream major. We have these two great dogs that drive us crazy. I don't know if I would still be here if it wasn't for blather to keep me grounded. I love this place. DOAR, you were never anything but wonderful to me. I always knew that. 130108 ... fix . 130109 ... Much Love ED oh more my heart, it was and always will be upon my view the beach and i was a lucky man to have received such a gift from you. i look upon you as i would. stupid fucking statement but true. goddamn you invited me into the sunrise and all I have ever wanted for you was not to see the sunset i knew it was wrong when i said it everyone sees the sun set and lets them begin a new night it was the night i was afraid of for you ED but I couldn't keep you from learning and i was fucking stupid for even trying i just hope you are safe happy and experiencing . 130525 ... Death of a Rose I'm in the deep proud of you. . 130525 what's it to you? who go blather from