heart_pang unhinged god don't leave me yet just let me hold on for one second longer i don't want to let go that's why i couldn't the last time i saw you because i know you aren't coming back all i ever wanted more than anything was to hold your hand 011218 ... ClairE All of a sudden everything in the world narrows into one point and almost your name is on it and I almost yelp. But from the outside it just looks like I've sat on a pin. 011218 ... unhinged my heart can't pang cause it's bursting with you you stayed 011228 ... unhinged fuck i am an idiot 020217 ... blown cherry you say it so well unhinged. May I compliment you? 020218 ... unhinged uuhhh *blushes* sure 020218 ... indie.chickadee ...is what I feel when I cry because of something he did. 020508 ... trudy ouch ouch... i shouldn't have eaten those burgers so fast. 020508 ... unhinged i could never tell you because every moment we were together was like stolen time. i didn't want to make an issue of it; i was just happy to be with you. so when frank told you i was mad at you and you asked me if it was true was i supposed to say yes or was i supposed to lie? i remember not being able to say a word; we were together and that was all that mattered. even though, you used that time to tell me who you had fucked in the interim or who you were going to fuck. and i was not on that list. i was on the 'when all else fails call:' list. or maybe it was the 'when the money runs out but i want to be fucked up' list. i knew that; i knew that when you met other people i would cease to be important. that i would become the back-up plan. but knowing does not prepare anyone for reality. knowing that everyone dies does not prepare you for when your grandma leaves and you know she is never coming back. knowing that you are an addict does not prepare you for the day when you look at your face in the mirror and you barely recognize what you see. you always tell yourself that there is time; some other time. that is what i always told myself about you. some other time; right now you are with her; don't spoil it. i was wrong. i don't think i ever said that i didn't do anything wrong. i knew i was wrong to ever tell you how i felt. i'm sorry if i ever hurt you. i guess me avoiding that is what hurt you in the end. i can't ever tell the truth when it comes to this. it's too hard. my heart feels like it's going to stop; i can't swallow or breathe. everytime i see you, my heart feels like it is going to stop. 021230 ... unhinged harrisburg it still felt like it was going to stop. 050815 ... a quiet sound "everything's a memory with strings that tie to you," 050816 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl damn it i was in love with you, we couldn't be together so i cut out my heart. and now i feel sad that im not in love with you. regardless fo the futility you say we could be toghether before you leave, but then take it back. we've decided ultimately now, more for practical reasons than morals. i miss the days i first felt for you. the innocent, pure love. our first kiss was perfect. now it means nothing. i wonder if it ever did, but i quickly suppress the thought because i dare not tread that path and desecrate all the special moments i thought we had with the ugliness of doubt. so....... ironically from all the other times i've sat here late at night waiting for my feelings to fade i'm now sat waiting to love someone, maybe you again (even though i know it wouldn't work, ever), and lamenting the loss of feeling, the hated numbness that now seeps through everything. why?! for fuck's sake you'd think that after so many thousand years of existing, that human beings would learn that instead of wanting what they can't have, they should just be happy with what they have. but who am i kidding i hate what i have, then when i get something else i hate that too. fucking irony. 050817 what's it to you? who go blather from