please_get_these_thoughts_out_of_my_head endless desire I am begging you. For I am poor in heart And I need stregnth. Haunting thoughts fill my head. I am a prisoner of myself. I formed the bars that isolate My life. I formed the notch. Where the key hangs, Just out of reach. Taunting, Teasing. Driving me to madness. The cell grows deeper As the room shrinks inward. The window in my corner Grows smaller. Light Fades. Darkness Falls. It rest, in the peaceful Dust. Silence. A Forbidden Silence. Where noise is certain death. And I let out piercing scream. My last attempt. My last hope. My broken dream. Fragments on the floor. My body sinks into the brick. It has been enveloped by a lost cause And the broken promise. Their the pieces lay. You take the broom, Beside the key I longed to grasp, And sweep them into a small dustbin Along with the dust collected From the Decay of a young girl's life. You whistle as you sweep. A song that I was always deaf to: Love, Hope, Comfort. Yes, I was always deaf to that song. And You Sang. 030606 ... a sweet girl i think i've figured out blather. i've been here about two hours. 030606 ... endless desire congradulations (my favourite word) it's a beautiful place. 030606 ... karl the weed cool 030606 ... birdmad i thought about using the power-drill on myself to let it out, but then i realized that the hissing sound of the escaping air would be just as bad 030607 ... endless desire PLEASE. I AM BEGGING YOU. I'M SO LONELY HERE AND I JUST WANT THIS ALL OUT. 030711 ... endless desire sometimes_she feels desperate. sometimes_she feels cold in her feet and hands. 030711 ... oldephebe endless ... 030711 ... ashmanzhou thoughts are but are not and they make thee and they form thee it is by their presence thy is thyself why rend them from thyself? they are thy soule why scoure these from they self? when thy self they make thee finds they cause thee pain for thyself is pain be the pain is therefore thyself the anger hate fury and thee would have it to ash but it is by these things thou wouldst destroy the very thing thy uses in hate thy scoures hate in anger thy burns anger and thy pain is pinned in agony lest it be gone and thy will be but thy will be less for free thy will be for mere fleetings exhausted and trapped anew pulling stuggling against bonds tightening they constrict to choke thy dreams as thy claws at them thy fingers become that which doth strangle thee focus not on scouring but on rest do what we all have not lay these paines downe in gentleness love them as they doth pain thee smile as they tear at thee then they diminish as thy moves on and thy doth bocome truly free 030711 ... nin Why did you put it there? Did you not realize? This thing inside of me it screams the loudest sound... Sometimes I wish I could burn Nine Inch Nails- Trent Reznor 030711 ... * visigoth 030711 ... Dafremen It is done. Consider it a gift. 030711 ... so fucking lost these thoughts are not mine. these things that race around and around screaming shreiking white noise filled with hate loathing and pure blinding rage. i dont want these things in my head. i never wanted to hear these thoughts. some days the only thing you can do to shut them up is bleed blister and scar once again. 030712 ... lateral bird i_must_keep_reminding_myself_of_this 030712 ... endless desire please oh please some days i just want to be enough. for everyone and me. what can i pay you to feel? what can i pay you to feel alive? what can i trade you to feel like i don't need to live this way anymore? but i won't give in to your idea that i don't like this. i love this. i love this i love this i love this i love this i love this I LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS I COULD THIS FOREVER AND NO CAN STOP ME I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY AND I DONT EVEN know how to make tears form on blather pages BUT WHY DO I HURT AND WHY DOES THIS FEEL SO BAD AND WHY HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN A VICTIM OF MYSELF? and i'm sorry. so sorry for all the trouble. i wish i could die. i wish something would kill me because i don't have the guts to kill myself. because i could never do that. because i would never be that selfish. is it wrong to desire for a freak accident? or a deadly disease? or something painless and quick and then i can get out of this place and OUT OF MY HEAD and out of hurting and WHY CAN'T YOU SAVE ME? WHY CAN'T ANYONE SAVE ME? and why do i feel like my finger tips are shouting? but how good it feels to finally be crying because the only time i cry anymore is when i hunched over a bowl and that's only because it happens naturally. oh god i didn't mean to do that today. i was doing so well. and everything makes me so fucking happy. and i swear. i said i wasn't going to do that anymore. and life is school and perfection. why i can't be that and why can't i just fit into this image and why i can't i be ok? why not? WHY CAN'T I BE ENOUGH? i hate typing in caps because it seems so harsh but it is harsh i want to scream so loud that my throat aches. it does ache but aches more and more and i look at the scale and it is such a beautiful thing. and the numbers are my motivation because i can this and i can be everything you want! just watch. hahahahahaha I CAN BE EVERYTHING YOU ARE MAKING ME BE. I CAN FIT INTO YOUR BOX. but no i dont want to be put into a box. i never was made to be stuffed into this box. never NEVER. but i must i must and there is hate. i say there isn't but there is but you knew that because you read me like nothing else. and I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. NEVER. because i don't deserve even my own pity. i am fine. i am going to be fine. i am always fine. I CAN LIVE LIKE THIS. barely but i can. and you just watch. and now i feel so small. mirrors consume and then i fade away. 030913 ... misstree you don't have to be anything for anyone except yourself. i know what it's like to feel like you're not in control, like everything from all sides is just closing in on you and screaming. it's fucking hell. but, and i am speaking absolute truth here, you must know this: you do have control. you have the strength and the mind to do anything, and endure anything on the way. thou art god. but if you turn your hate inside, if you harm yourself in your quest for control, you strike at the heart of the most sacred. you succumb to the wicked power plays of those who would chain you, those who would sacrifice pieces of you to enhance their view of themselves. do not allow it, do not let this crappy world turn you against yourself. i don't know. i'm not good at this kind of thing, but it hurts me to see beauty harm itself in destructive ways. i know it's shit. i understand. but this is not the answer. 030913 ... endless desire i hate everything. I HATE EVERYTHING. don't you realize i don't want to think about this?! i want everything to be ok. i want to live and have something to look forward to and just be ok. it's not fair. it shouldn't be like this. life should look exciting. i should anticipate the years coming. not be ready to call it quits when i haven't even hit 16 yet. why do i feel this way? WHY?! i don't understand why. im not a very good person but i don't think i deserve to feel this way. maybe that's it. HAHAHA I DONT DESERVE ANYTHING. I DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS. this just isn't right. it isn't. i don't understand at all. everything is so dark and i just don't want to be here anymore. i hate life so much. i hate all my complaining. im so sorry. IM SO FUCKING SORRY. I APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE WRONG THINGS I WILL EVER DO TO ALL OF YOU. it's just not RIGHT. think about it this way. . .so many people want to be ALIVE but they catch diseases or fall ill or get into accidents or are killed. . .and they don't want to be. I WANT TO DIE. i want to get out of this hell hole. I HATE IT HERE. I HATE IT SO MUCH. im so angry and sad and pathetic. so fucking pathetic. i have these stupid pink sweats on and an oversize sweatshirt that says, "GREG'S Market". don't you think that if you wore bright colours you'd be happy? im just screwed up little girl. im so young and immature. i almost kind of like it, now, you know? because i feel like i have an excuse for being so terribly terribly pathetic and i can wear my hair tied to the side on the top of my head and i don't have to be scared that they are all judging. well they are but at least i can say, "hey im still a fucking little girl so smile and i'll smile back you'll say how fucking cute." really though i just want to be innocent. i want to be a little kid and run in fields and smile and think that everything is perfect again. ignorance_is_bliss. there are some questions that can't be answered, but this one, i have decided, can be. you know what really pissed me off? all these kids in anthropology who think that we should withold technology from tribes in order to preserve their culture as though technology WAS SOMETHING they could OWN and distribute whenever they liked. this air of superiority that made me want to slide a finger down my throat and puke all over them. DON'T GET ME WRONG. i think it is hidious when cultures are destroyed because we have this ethnocentric mind set that makes us think that our technological advances are superior and that everyone needs to enjoy the benefits of our vast knowledge so we go in there and fuck everything up when it was fine to begin with. but these people in my class are talking about not letting people in tribes come into the cities for fear of disrupting their family ties. OK they are INTELLIGENT people. im sure they can decide their own fucking family ties and you don't have to monitor their technology use like some mom monitoring how much time her kids spend on the television. GOD EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. IT JUST PISSES ME OFF. NONE OF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU. jeezus some junior was trying to tell me to "RESPECT" because she was a year older. WHAT THE HELL? im not afraid of anyone. i don't have anything to lose because i don't care about anything at all anymore. so i called her on it. i enjoyed it so much that i almost want to get in fights with people more often. why am i so angry? i don't remember being this angry. maybe it's just that anger is so much easier to feel than anything else. it really is. because there is so much passion in anger. im so passionate about everything. i really am and i kind of like that about myself. anyways, if anyone has a fatal disease they could infect me with, i'd really appreciate it. i never swear this much in person. actually, i hardly swear at all. it just doesn't sound natural coming from my mouth. 031126 ... death of a rose speeding train crushing everything in its path 031127 ... Death of a Rose endless, pour it out, let your thoughts trickle down the drain, washed away in the bright, hot warmth of release. you are not alone here in blue or in the 'real' world. scream, capitalize your emotions, make them known; just know that you if you can verbalize these inner emotions you have taken more than baby steps in your growth. evolve ED, name your fears, it makes them less powerful, pound the walls of the asylum; we stand before you, behind you, beside you in your shadows, there to steady your vision, your life, your heart. balance is nothing more than an qualified equation. take heart that you are coming to be the centre of your own jigsaw puzzle. (confused words i realize, but from my fingertips and pounding heart, i think of you attaining that equilibrium). 031226 ... time_warp lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust *breath* lust lust lust lust lust lust lust... 031227 ... endless desire your words m o v e me, doar. 031228 ... oE nicely done doar 031228 ... realistic optimist anger is a good thing, if channeled as energy to accomplish what you desire. unfortunately, i identified a great deal with feeling that my place in life is something i would like to escape, perhaps to a day when i was younger and had less expected of me, and less to lose. but honestly, i have never had as much freedom as i presently enjoy, regardless of my current inability to make next month's rent, or to pay back the money my mom needs in order to make her house payment. i feel like i should be so motivated, then i get angry, and then i GET motivated and things begin to crystallize. so i have tried to hone anger as an energy source. only slightly successfully so far, but getting better at it. if i could just make a decision and then get out of my own way, i would razzle dazzle the watchers and would forge a shining trail. but these thoughts burden me to the point of regress. if i can only cast them out i know i can be happy. 031228 ... pSyche God, there are such beautiful people here... 060312 ... *Amy* one day I won`t take this anymore.... 060312 ... Much Love I love you. Always have. Always will. . 130201 what's it to you? who go blather from