on_anger
unhinged i went to a company picnic tonight. it taught me a couple lessons in anger.

one of my co_workers that i talk to regularly was drunkenly belligerent (and she thinks that she is intelligent when only minimally so) and started harassing me about being buddhist. she once mistakenly thought that i was trying to convert her when i was talking about it and must still hold some resentment or something. she made some stupid comment and i threatened violence and she said i couldn't do that because i was buddhist. i said i very well could do it and she said buddhists don't kill. i said i could i would just get a lot of bad karma for it. she couldn't comprehend my logic and started babbling about something else because by that point everyone was staring at us and listening to us.

long ramble short, what i do does not make me buddhist. what i think about what i do does. conciously choosing one course of action over another is being buddhist. and saying i could do something does not mean i did it. i hate people that feel the need to argue to put themselves above others. because i claim to be buddhist does not mean i claim to be enlightened. i'm just trying to reclaim my light and people always have to hate on what they don't understand.

that's just it. i choose. every second there are multiple things i choose to do or not to do. i can only blame myself for my bad choices. there aren't hard feelings when you shoulder the appropriate amount of responsibility for every action. happiness is really just as simple as choosing to be so. maybe not easy perhaps, but simple (hsg).

she depends on me too much as a sounding board. she called me and left a voicemail. she texted me. i replyed. she texted me again. i was in the process of replying when she called. i was still at my company picnic. he asked to talk to her. he said she had the wrong number and she hung up. then she sent me a nasty text. she was having some sort of crisis and was pissed at my insensitivity because i was busy and couldn't drop everything and talk to her.

in the past several weeks, me and her have gotten in some nasty fights because she asks me for help and advice and then gets pissed and dismisses my advice by saying 'well maybe buddhism works for you but i'm not buddhist.' well plenty of things like concious decision making are not necessarily buddhist. plenty of 'buddhist' ideas can make everyone feel better. that's exactly why the dalai lama writes and publishes books in english.

the person i was with told me to suck it up and not care that she was mad at me. because i was mad i thought he was being insensitive, but really he was right. she was being illogical and immature and there was some miscommunication so if she wants to get mad i should just let her instead of getting mad with her.

i called to apologize to her and her phone was turned off.
070812
...
unhinged 'you deserve better than that.'

'well, when you stop looking for something, that's usually when it comes along.'

'if you hang out with nice people you are bound to meet more nice people and you need to be with a nice person. you are so caring and compassionate.'



just so all of you know, i am tired of being alone. so tired of being alone in fact, that if someone feigns the slightest interest in me i will fall for it. i haven't had a real relationship in over four years. i am tired of being the friend that deserves better. so all of my 'friends' in good committed relationships with wonderful talented people can shove it when they try to tell me i shouldn't be sad and i should hold out for better.

do you know how tiring it is to hear everyone around you tell you how great you are but somehow still end up alone? to not be able to believe people when they tell you how great you are because you constantly feel like people just want something from you? (sex, food, your talent...your advice and love but not you)

if i sound like a whiny teenage snot, it's because i feel like one.



but this game is getting very old. being the steadfast rock for everyone i care about; having countless communications ignored but still trying because people only want to tell me how great i am when they need something from me. usually when they need relief from the shit around them that they then go back to after i patch them up. the advice people ask me for but then never use so that they can call me up after months of being so wrapped up that they couldn't even return a text message and complain about the exact same problem.

i don't know what i expected but it definitely wasn't what i got. i don't know what i want, but it's definitely not what i have.




i have spent all but three months of my life singularly alone listening to everyone tell me how great i am. too great to ruin the friendship. too great to be honest with. too great to leave behind for good, toyed with and tossed aside when something greater, closer, more convienient comes along. i don't think i'm sorry for being angry about this anymore. the regret only compounds things. don't tell me how i should feel. at this point i would rather be with anyone no matter what i deserve than end up the starved voyeur waiting for any little scrap of i love you.




yeah, glad you all have these wonderful committed relationships with those great talented people. i'm sure i'll be hearing even less of you now.
070825
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fix i AM ONLY ANGRY WITH LIERS.
truth is the answer....

I only want to understand why you are angry, i want to know your deepest truth, your whole history.

From there we can pull it out, we can try to understand your conditioning and turn it around to true happiness.

We can do it, you are not alone, we are together in this world, we undersatnd the difficulties and we want to help.

WE WANT TO HELP.




WE WANT YOU TO BE A PART OF THIS HUGE MIRACLE OF BEING ALIVE.
070825
...
unhinged if there were miracles, i would wake up tomorrow and the war would be over. if there were miracles, everyone that was hungry would have food.


to be alive in this realm isn't a miracle. it's the consequence of past bad actions. alive is suffering. all emotions are pain. in ignorance and delusion, people hurt and kill each other all the time.

the good part is i can choose to lay down my ignorance and delusion. but that's a lonely path.
070825
...
P who listens to anyone ?

most people have the right answers...

i don't understand
all you have to do is look at the stars or clouds to realise it, why do you have to do a philosophy degree to understand that, Plato even had too many words, we don't need words.

pinch yourself, are you real or not ?

WAKE UP.
070825
...
unhinged i am awake my friend
the_enlightenment_of_pain


false_awakenings
070826
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unhinged 'when we don't ask, we don't let others give. when we fear rejection, we don't let generosity arise.'

- roshi bernie glassman
070827
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unhinged i'm sick of being the nice guy. i'm sick of finishing last. i don't work for free. food is not an acceptable form of payment either.


you don't want me in your band but you want me to show you how to play the violin. are you fucking serious? sign up for lessons bitch. again, i don't work for free. especially for the competition. when he asked me if i'd help you, i couldn't exactly say no. but damn, shit, WHAT THE FUCK? kiss my ass. go to hell. and die.



i can't be your therapist now. i can't listen to your stress now, because i can't help but absorb it. i don't want to talk about it and i don't want to listen to you talk about.





and damn fuck shit balls i HATE winter. first a blizzard that dumps 17 inches on my head in 24 hours and now it's -2. FUCK. i do NOT want to go to work today. especially since most of my students don't bother to show up on sundays. even the weather is making me spitting mad.
080210
...
unhinged .



(it doesn't burn
the way it used to
it's more of a smolder now
maybe i burned it all up
incinerated)
090304
...
unhinged (i don't engage it anymore

i have read and heard enough teachers say
that even writing it
engages it

makes a dirty anger imprint
where light should be

so_i_take_a_deep_breath


and at least try really hard not to engage it
urban_bodhisattva )
100402
...
somebody "Anger is the most expensive emotion." 100403
...
unhinged i realized that all this anger started out as love. that it became anger because the object of it didn't want it. they pushed my love away. in my small_mindedness i let it turn to anger.

object defined love is a bitch.


i can't breathe without you
i don't want to be in my skin if
my skin isn't near yours
(of course i was angry
when you denied me the chance
the ability
to love you like that)

and in my anger i met someone else. but i didn't love them. i couldn't love them. so i ended up hurting them instead.


i've been spending time with you again against all better judgement. there is something that pulls me to you that has nothing to do with good or bad or right or wrong. shit fuck piss. i knew it from the start that a month wasn't long enough to heal the hole in my heart that has your name all over it. mindful dating is any oxymoron.

needs to work on some metta practices
100521
...
In_Bloom What to do when all you think you've done right falls through your fingers?
Get angry and get it out, but
The anger just grows up and strangles you in your so called wisdom and reason.

Make all the plans you want and work your ass off in the name of something.
Better, you think.
I though, yeah it was me. Thinking.
Dreaming and hoping like an idiot.
Again.

Back to reason and back to word play, back to lip service and back to staring at The Big Picture.
It's crumbling and rearranging, twinkling and winking at me.
It says, "try again... something new. Someone new."
It's trying to wrap me up and reel me in.
Again.

Is that anger out enough?
100522
...
unhinged my heart is boiling over with the fact that i wasted my light on you. that for all the words that ever fell out of your mouth, your actions spoke a louder truth.

the only one you cared about was you.



so i made plans to leave town, and then i found exactly what i needed to cure myself of you. just like you cut_and_run 'ned on me cause you were afraid of being whole, i cut_and_run 'ned on him because i was so sick.

i think part of my black heart thrived on our dysfunction. that it was easier to be with you, treating me like shit, than sticking it out with him who loves me how i deserve.


i am so angry over this bullshit. that i keep doing this after all this time. self_sabotage

but at least seattle is cool. *siiiiigh*
110821
...
unhinged given_time it all just melts to sadness

clenching
gutwrenching
gut_wrenching


i have accepted the tears in my life
as the acid that erodes
the walls i build in my heart


but anger has it's place
a protection
for things too fragile
to otherwise survive
111025
...
unhinged abandon_expectation silly girl



my job makes me angry because it doesn't activate my higher purpose
111122
...
unhinged misplaced_love


i did it again. i gave in to the allure of the heart_pang without asking the questions i should have and now i'm left abandoned, high_and_dry the little adorable distraction to help him get over the massive hole someone else put in his heart.


the anger is definitely a smolder in the background now though. i didn't say what i should have, didn't tell him what needed told. i stayed quiet that hoping later i could deny it. the current situation is just as much my fault. i take my blame where it's due.


but i just wish there was a way that i could stop finding myself with people that don't care about me. sad really that the only boy that ever cared didn't accept me for who i really was. i abandon the hope of ever finding the love i want to the universe. i'm beginning to think it's an impossible expectation that doesn't exist.

joining a nunnery sounds oddly attractive today
130212
...
unhinged examine anger itself, and you will find that it is nothing but a thought. If that angry thought disappears it will not lead to an action done in anger with its negative karmic results. Trample on anger with realization and it dissolves like a cloud in the sky - dilgo khyentse 140710
...
Ouroboros I would like to extend a hearty "Fuck You", for trying to silence me and intimidate me, for denying responsibilty for your actions, and for being, truly, the most cowardly and not fully healthy brained man I know.

Id say theres a place in hell for you, but Im pretty sure your line will die out when you eventually die, your dna signature will cease to be, and all trace and memory of you will be forgotten by time. This planet has no space for or need of you. You will not reincarnate as a person, animal, dirt particle, or cloud of ozone. Your youness will not be back again in any form. This lets me offer this FU to vent my anger at your ridiculous, cowdardly ways, while knowing that Im just making up a story about someone with no future, no history, and no name. The story is over.
140710
what's it to you?
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