misplaced_love hsg how so? 100523 ... unhinged i am a head_over_heels kinda person all or nothing my emotions have no middle way i couldn't tell him why when he asked after my feelings there is no why involved the faucet of my heart gets turned on all or nothing and_then i'll be damned if i can turn it off there will always be a piece of my heart with his name on it he wasn't capable of loving me he still isn't but at least he is making steps to better his life to let his light out all i wanted to do was help him do that be there however he needed me his incapability made him feel guilty his past made him untrusting his pride made him depressed so he pushed me out i felt betrayed i felt misunderstood i felt vulnerable and hurt and i stayed out he called and called i answered but not often enough we have been spending time together again drinking and playing cards walking the neighborhood bullshitting on the phone that combined with the material my hungry_brain has been devouring and i realized that all the anger i've had was because i gave him love and he wouldn't take it (or so i thought or so i felt) object defined love is a bitch abandon_expectation let your love out let your light out for the whole world to see he told me yesterday on the phone that spending time with me was helping him cut out the people he shouldn't have in his life i am hooked ( despondent_fish ) like i said i am used to being the elevation not the elevated let me be the boat the bridge that brings you to the other shore 100524 ... birdmad all of it, so far. kinda why i stopped... 100524 ... lostgirl can somehow be found again when you aren't even necessarily looking for it. 100524 ... hsg ____"_____ to better his life to let his light out all_i_wanted to do was help him do that ____"_____ I have respect for this. 100524 ... unhinged (that is the basis of any and all relationships to me; that we can be better people from it) 100524 ... unhinged in the end, it meant nothing to him. (or so it seems from where i am currently standing) there_are_no_words_here for the big gorge in my heart broken_hearted i keep trying to convince myself i don't care but i've gotten very good at spotting my own bullshit over the years (i'll always care about him in some dark corner of my heart where i will learn to hardly ever go tarnished by the harsh and complete tearing of giving myself wrongly over and over) i wonder if dr_phil has ever had to walk_away from someone he really cared about 100816 ... unhinged 'i think i was lying when i said i didn't still want to be with you' i turned towards him but i had been having a hard time looking him in the eye that day 'i knew you were lying when you said that. that's why i kept asking you about it' maybe one day i'll get over my inferiority complex and accept the love that the good people in my life throw my way. but right now, i'm agitated. i've tried so hard not to dump my feelings on others and in the past month i've been dumped on over and over. good, bad, really bad, dumped on. i feel small. i want to cut_and_run , retreat, take care of myself for once. i feel small. your happiness taunts me. the way you look at me makes me want to scream. i don't even have the capacity to love you right now. i told you that, and yet you still felt the need to dump your love on my head. i've been trying; i've appreciated you and your perspective on my situation, but i can't say i love you. the last thing i needed right now was more guilt. i've been trying to polish my heart lately, but it still feels dull. 100824 ... unhinged . 130426 ... unhinged ive been dating addicts that cant tell me what they want since ive been 20. i need to do something about that 131231 ... daf You're talking to the loyal-as-fuck chronic pothead who has been treated like a kleenex for most of his life. I hear ya sister. I do wish you weren't so down. It's hard to find the right one. I didn't find someone who let me be me and didn't change into someone else until I was 39 going on 40. And I'm pretty sure I got really lucky. She came into my life on an un-romance related spiritual/philosophical jaunt I went on while I was breaking away from my failed marriage and finding myself..which is what I was supposed to be doing in the first place it turns out. I don't know what you're clinging to that is hurting your happiness..but it's there. I think it's the notion that you're going to find love, myself. It'll find you is my guess while you're amazing the world with your significant gifts. And I (and this is just my gut feeling, mind you) think that maybe you're holding off on really putting your talents to their highest levels of accomplishment because maybe you want someone next to you witnessing it as you accomplish it..so that it can mean something. Like I said..that's just a guess. And also a guess is that if that is true..you should go ahead and strive for that height whatever it is, leaping past every obstacle (as you know you can) because THERE is your goal. THERE you will find your partner. (Did I just make your life sound like Donkey Kong?) Again..just a very strong gut feeling I've been having about you lately. Sorry if I'm way off base or out of line..just hate to see you suffer so. 131231 ... unhinged if i made choices in my life based on making others happy i wouldnt live in seattle. ive done what i can to get back to what makes me happy in the past year, ie teaching. but that doesnt change people running away from my feelings or me having no one to share my life with. 131231 ... unhinged so im clinging erroneously to the thought that i'll find love someday but it will just find me? thats the sort of drivel i think is bullshit. i didnt go looking for the last one, we found each other. but when push came to shove, yet another guy said to me 'youre so awesome...lets be friends' and i donthave the heart to deal with that anymore. i used to indulge people that said that to me and torture myself with denying my feelings for any small amount off affection these people would throw my way. but im not going to do that anymore. i know how to take care of myself, make myself smile. but i cant give myself hugs when i am sad. me and you have argued about this for years. i dont feel finished when i am alone. i feel defective, unused, unwanted. there is part of me that feels incomplete when i am alone. period. no matter how content the rest of my life makes me. but sure. someone will find me someday. so i can have some lingering misguided hope in my life. some nameless day in the future i will find someone willing to accept my love. how comforting. 131231 ... daf I think you assume to much, expect too often and intellectualize that which doesn't wish to be analyzed or dissected. And I'm sorry my attempt at a blather_hug left you prickly. But before you crawl off into the land of "nobody understands", remember that I have an INKLING of what that emptiness feels like. And you should know that. (see also: partner) And so your general tone blind-sided me. (Not that I'm bitching..much. Guess who'll get over it?) Be happy Nicole. Just let it go and fucking be happy already. (It really IS that simple. Sorry. It just is. It's not perfect, it's not the penultimate..but it's simple and it works.) Give yourself a hug. It works wonders. Oh..and you might take the hugs that come your way more gracefully. I learned that lesson the hard way from you. You_are_loved always. (see also: regrets) 140101 ... unhinged right. sure. once again you are right and i am wrong. i should be happy to be alone. stupid me. my biological emotional need to have a partner in my life mixed with getting dumped shouldnt make mefeel like shit. right 140101 ... unhinged and cant i just feel what i feel before you jump down my throat about choosing to be happy? if you understand how im feeling why the trite platitudes about how i'll find someone someday? when i dont 'over intellectualize' and go with my feelings and express those feelings people run out on me. 140101 ... unhinged . the last one was genuinely angry that i dont do that 'lets stay friends' bullshit anymore i still miss him sometimes 141010 ... Lemon_Soda My round peg is attracted to square holes. 141011 ... unhinged (yes mine too) 141011 what's it to you? who go blather from