tarnished unhinged how do you tell someone what they mean to you when none of the words you can find seem to fit the description? i struggle with him. most people, all it takes is an eloquently placed blank card. and i sit in front of it with a pen and words pour out, seal it, label it, hand it or place it. and i'm satisfied that they would understand from the interaction. i struggle with him. i don't think he would understand. i'm not sure if he's capable of that level of understanding. how do you tell someone that you are in love with them so deeply that it goes beyond passion, beyond lust, beyond romance? how do you tell someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with them without fucking up the perfect unspoken understanding that was always there? that would most definitely disappear at the slightest whisper of any such vapid ramblings. how do you tell someone that the love you carry for them may be best described with the word 'brotherly' but even that word leaves a big hole in the middle of the definition? that you never wanted any more physical interaction from them than the hugs that you exchanged because those hugs were more meaningful than any of the sex you ever had? how do you tell someone that you understand them more completely than they would ever know without causing immediate flight? that they are like the reflection in your mirror? that when you don't see them, hear them it's like seeing nothing looking back at you in the mirror. that you haven't had any friends like that since because you are afraid of your reflection becoming even more empty. simple words, convoluted words, poetic words, prose, none of it seems like it's saying the right thing. i would get on a plane tomorrow if you needed me to. 050118 ... unhinged . *sigh* 050627 ... no reason holy shit. yeah. ditto. 050627 ... unhinged i feel like such a silly little girl in most of it now. you are so old now all of a sudden. 050819 ... unhinged tarnished and stuck in a velvet lined box, in a drawer, in a big old piece of furniture in a quiet part of the house where we normally don't go. i haven't even attempted to call in so long that i feel like i finally stuck you in your box, inside the drawer of the big hutch, in the newly quiet place of my heart where i hardly ever go. 060504 ... birdmad i used to want to shine like silver and gold, but rust, patina and grime are great camouflage in the dustier reaches of the world 060505 ... unhinged you said you would reply to my emails and then characteristically you don't which while it doesn't surprise me still manages to disappoint me cause like a little girl i still carry you around with me everywhere still unable to find hugs that heal me the same or a flash of understanding in the eyes a quantum_entanglement i STILL don't have a friend like you and in the mean time i feel like irreplaceable pieces are leaking out of me without you to hold them in 090401 ... () (see: verdigris ) 090401 ... unhinged did all of you think i was stupid or just naieve? 120612 what's it to you? who go blather from