guilt
jennifer accusation has a way of making you feel guilty, even when you didn't do anything 991220
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apr!l it's not my fault. 000212
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lola absolve 000523
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kim never heard of it 000713
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single digit salutation for hell only knows how long

carrying it around like a goddamn self-inflicted cross

and
oh!
how sweetly you handed me the nails
000713
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gigaphairy guilt's when you hurt the last person you ever wanted to hurt in the world and when they hurt you back you can't even feel it because you're so DAMN guilty about hurting them in the first place.
Man i HATE that.
Guilt comes hand in hand with consience, guilt wants to make you feel bad.
And generally suceeds eating you up from the inside out.
000717
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disillusioned I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!
THE ACCUSING STARES YOU SHOOT AT ME.
I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!...When am I going to be allowed to stop paying for my mistakes?
000722
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Milkman Dan YOU HAVE TO MEET HER

YOU KNOW WHO TO TELL

AFTER THE SCREAMING WILL COME THE SILENCE

A HEAD IN YOUR LAP

RATS AT YOUR FEET

CLEAR YOUR PIPE

PUT IT IN AND SMOKE IT

SAVOUR THE TASTE

BECAUSE THEYíRE NOT COMING BACK

FROM THE RENDERING PLANT

IN A BOX

OR A SHOE

NORTH SEA COMPLIMENT FISHING

TELL ME ITíS NOT MY FAULT#######

NORTH SEA LEVELS RISING

WEíRE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT

AND IT WONíT MOVE FOR MY BAGS OF MONEY

I SOUGHT YOU OUT I LOST MY

I SOUGHT YOU OUT I LOST MY

IFORGET

FIND ME SOMEONE WHO WILL TELL ME IíM INNOCENT

FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TELL ME ITíS NOT MY FAULT

DO I LOOK LIKE I FUKKING CARE IF ITíS TRUE OR NOT?
001118
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shit for brains i need him.

i don't want to need him, because she needs him.

because she loves him.

because she's always been wonderful to me.

because she is.
010108
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aalexxx knowing it was me, when everyone else just thinks it was 010420
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lost Im greedy.
I have been called many things by people for selflessly hording my money.
But I earned my money.
I did not steal, I did not cheat, I worked.
Yet they damn me for it.
Why?
they use my guilty concious of being greedy to force me to work harder for a common good.
Not for myself, for a common good, for the helpless, needy, less-fortunate.
The only thing those damn third-world countries need is more condoms so that they can stop the onslaught of children into the slums, but i dare not say that... what would that make me look like?

GOD FORBID I LOOK BAD IN THE EYES OF THE PUBLIC!.....

Thats all any of them care about... looking good and keeping up with the trends.

It's forbidden to work for yourself, always for the "common good". The charities are always bugging me, the others keep telling me to give the charities money, the lazy wont stop looking for a free ride.

I planned on being happy once I earned my money. But as long as there is more then one person in the room, majority always wins because this is a democratic society and I would be a conceited bastard if I didn't give it all away without hesitation.
Im greedy, god help me.
010430
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nocturnal well I'm glad it's not just me after all. every time one of those commercials comes on about giving third world country people money, the same thought goes through my mind: well, maybe if they found something other to do than just make babies all day, there wouldn't be so damn many of them to feed. this only started a few years ago when I found out that ethiopia has the #1 highest reproduction rate in the world. but the worst is when I throw lots of food away if I can't finish it and someone says, "but what about all the starving people in the world?" my response is always, "would you like me to mail it to them?" I just can't stand when people are charitable for the sole purpose of keeping up appearances. there are people out there who are genuinely concerned and do everything they can because they honestly care, I just don't happen to know any of them. 010430
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lost amen to that nocturnal. - Lost 010626
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josh she made me feel so guilty....she knew what she was doing, she knew i would sit there and take it all in from her, how i'm the core of her rotten life, how it's all my fault...how she's so in love with me....how she couldn't stand that i had a girlfriend....."god i'm so stupid" came from her mouth countless times. i don't want to feel bad....but i do....she told me she could have made me so happy...she said she would have done anything i wanted her to do....funny how i never saw that...funny how it was always me doing that for her. then she said she loves me...i was left with nothing to say then....i wanted to tell her i felt the same way about her, because i do...but i can't. i hate myself for ever meting her, i hate myself for ever telling her my name at that god damn party....nothing i can ever do will ever be any good for her.....that's guilt. 010627
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Norm My mom has used guilt to stop me from doing things all my life. Now I've figured it out and I make a point not to feel guilty about anything and I've become rather immune to it. 010901
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unhinged a relationship of guilt is not a relationship at all 010902
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Casey I suffer from it all the time. Normally I dont even need to be, it's like saying sorry is now a reflex. 010902
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sphinxradio yesterday i went outside...

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
011203
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john Its Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas 011210
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little fury bug

i had a bizarre dream that i killed jennifer aniston but no one knew about it...all the other cast member of friends go into scooby-gang mode as they run around trying to solve the mystery...i just stood around in the backround..inconspicuous, nonchalant... but inside i had the most overwhelming feeling of guilt....no one would even dare suspect me of doing such a thing...they didn't have a clue...i kind of almost wanted to get caught...i don't even know why i did it. i didn't even want to do it. maybe it was because of her hair...how perfect it alway is...haha.
020619
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j_blue i was about to indulge my ego,l but i suddenly got bored

sorry gang
031105
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magicforest can't take it or this...running makes it worse...all I can do is stay and bite my lip and hope it's over soon 031106
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guilty beyond words i'm sorry. i didn't mean to hurt you so bad. i did it because i wanted an insight, to help me to try to help you. if i hadn't then our friendship might be different, but i can feel that it's changed even though you hide it so well. you don't trust me anymore, and you're right not to. i violated something that was yours, told you about it, but only then did you tell me why i shouldn't. i'm sorry. i've lied to you about it since then, and it's tearing me up inside. you seem happier not knowing but the other day you even asked me. "no" i replied, an easy lie on the phone, changing the subject lightning quick, but you let it drop. i don't think you wanted to believe i might have lied to you, my confidante. i did. i pretended and i hate myself for it. but i worry about you, you know why, but you don't understand how. you say i pity you, when i don't, i just don't understand. i need you to talk to me for me to help, but now i ruined your trust i don't think you even do that and i don't know who else you've told, let alone who you trust. you think you're the only one. alone. 040221
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stork daddy eh just enjoy your guilt while it lasts 040221
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cinzento I'm sorry 040221
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no reason i can't do this anymore.

i can't keep up this charade, i can't keep trying to convince myself and everyone else of something that just isn't true anymore.

not anymore.
not anymore.

i know that by pretending and being a somewhat half-assed other half i've been hurting you more than you realize. maybe you should be realizing but you're not because you think you're so thankful for what you have.

you think you're the luckiest in the world, your family loves that i make you so happy. your mom buys me chocolates, your friends say we make the perfect couple, you tell me you love me with all your heart, you cry when i leave.

i am the_devil.
i am the_devil.

i don't say things back anymore when i don't feel them, or when i'm not sure, which you understand, which we've talked about. yet i haven't exactly discouraged them, because that would arouse suspicion.

sigh. my stupid brain. you're such a nice person and we know each other so well and you've done so much for me and i'm so afraid of hurting you that i'm willing to hurt myself and you tons more in the process, in the end.

i don't know how to bring it up
what to say
but i know that when i finally do say something, which will be soon unless i explode first, you will wonder why i've acted normal and haven't said anything before. to which i will say something like i wasn't sure and i will try to avoid saying i didn't want to hurt you, because that's just stupidly, stupidly ironic and you will explode first.
but then if i don't say that you might suggest that we wait awhile and see if we still have a chance. which i know we don't.

i can't help wonder why you put up with me when i care less. maybe it's not obvious. maybe you're blind. maybe you love me.

sigh. fuck fuck fuck.
050103
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no reason when people are so oblivious and hopeful
i just hate to shatter it
050103
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oneiros my uber motive

its kinda sad :(

but "i am not a number, i am a free man!"
050103
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ungh. I am depressed.

I'm trying to deny it and had to admit it somewhere.
050201
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a girl i'm sorry i smoke. 050212
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highanddry never leaves,
it simply recesses
until called up once more
by someone's harsh words

though you say you love me
there's something in your voice
some anger, disappointment,
resentment of me

guilt binds me in chains
cold, shivering and lonely
in the corners of your heart
because the rest has shunned me
050713
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W.C. Sometimes I think you're just being really silly.
Sometimes I think you don't deserve the guilty.
Sometimse I think the only way to keep from making you feel bad is to disappear.
Sometimes I think that's not really going to work.
Sometimes I think giving it a second try wouldn't be any harder than the first.
Sometimes I think you're never going to give me the opportunity.
Sometimes I think of you while I'm at work, and while I'm driving, or watching a movie, eating, stargazing, goofing off, walking breathing, etc.
Sometimes I think my day isn't really complete unless I've talked to you.
Sometimes I think I'm a desperate loser for typing things like this--whoops.
061109
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. i feel terrible about myself 061109
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blue_j To You:

Sometimes I think about you when I drive, sometimes I think about you when I go to Wal-Mart, sometimes I think about you when I eat pizza. But most of the time I think about how much I regret what I did. How guilty I feel about it.

Please, W.C., please, please, believe me when I say I am sorry.

I tried to tell you something like that would happen, I tried to tell you I wasn't perfect.

Although I can't give you the exact reason for why i did it, here's a shot at it: I was just scared. I was scared that it was going no where. That there would never be the chance of seeing you. And deep down I knew, you were just too good for me (as dumb as it sounds) and it just wasn't right...

I still had mistakes to make.
061111
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W.C. I muddle myself with memory
Of misery and misdeed and sin.
Dwell in them and gulp the shame
As it were water and I parched skin.
I see fools, children and murderers
And all the evil kin,
But I had closed my eyes--I know
The goodness in me wears thin.
Does every man on God's blue earth seek
To escape such a rauccous din?
Does he occupy himself with distractions
So he does not see Old Scratch win?
071211
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unhinged i've been avoiding you because i'm afraid you will see the secrets deep in my eyes. our tide has turned and i don't know how to tell you i'm_over_it because i do care enough to not want to hurt you. the guilt and stress are tying my stomach up into the kind of knots that make it impossible to eat. i don't want to do what i know i have to do. when you say the word 'forever' it makes me resent you. 090818
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past i see in another all that i'm attracted to. her attitude, poise, ideas, and discussion. but, i know, if you were there, as you will be here soon, i'd be attracted to you for all the same reasons i feel this pull now.

it's a guilty crush, i know, but it's a crush nonetheless.
110506
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unhinged years of hearing my father say depression isn't an illness brings me back to that deep seated guilt. i am fucking miserable; it is like a damp blanket over everything i do or don't do. i am so hypersensitive that two different interactions with strangers this week brought me to tears.


my heart is screaming:
something is wrong



so i am hiding from the people i love
so they don't know
my echoing_thought


i've fallen off the wagon
with my healthy habits again
no matter how many times i hear them say
'that's okay
just get back on'
i still feel guilty for my lack of exertion
110507
what's it to you?
who go
blather
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