yesterday_changed_me kss Yesterday, I was walking with a journal in my hand, and out fell a love letter. Okay, in retrospect in might not have been intended as a love letter. I’ll probably regret that mis-interpretation forever, and since Suzie and I no longer speak, there’s no chance I can even apologize for letting my heart go. She was amazing; an intoxicating mix of brilliance, quirks, wit, and beauty. I gave a passing attempt at being realistic about the situation, then let go, the impossibility of the situation only making the falling worse. I was in love with her in the worst way, literally memorized the moment I first saw her. Suzie’s eyes were electric and bottomless, in them I saw a universe of sadness and joy, and I fall into them. We were close for a long time, and held each other in high regard. She saw me as a unique and devoted friend, though must have known she was dealing with a boy who was tortured by thoughts of infinite devotion. In the end, I think that finally pushed her away. Back to the letter. To my delight, Suzie often wrote me while traveling, which she as part of her job, but more as part of her nomadic, restless soul. I was, in her words, the person who could best understand her surreal view of the world, the bizarre mix of comedy, delight, and horror, which she relayed to me as she flew from place to place. This letter, the one I found yesterday, was from a 6 hour layover at SEA-TAC airport. She wrote it while sipping martinis at the ‘13 Coins restaurant’, the finally to a rather demented week spent leading retarded adults on a bicycle trip in the Pacific Northwest. The letter was nothing special, really just a stream of conscious rant, but the words revealed tiny fibers of her character, the heartbeat and perceptions of a girl that broke my heart. The letter had fallen out of a journal I was carrying, and I found myself paused in mid-journey, motionless while I re-read her words. Just as before, by the time the letter was over, and her stories were spun, I was in love with her again. How easy it was for me, how perfect she seemed. I was lost in the humor, in her way of holding life in her hands, words sneaking up on and highlighting the details that didn’t quite fit. I could also feel the letter telling me of our comfortable bond, a near-telepathic connection to a prized and distant boy, a comrade in the beautiful non-sense of it all. When I finished the letter, returning to reality, a was aware of an old feeling I had tried to forget. The searing knife of rejection had returned with me, and was pulsing in my chest. This pain had been nearly forgotten, woven into a part of me by the distractions of time. Suzie had signed the letter "I love you, Aaron." At the time, I took this for what I wanted it to mean, and ended up with broken heart. I ever admitted to myself how truly broken it was, deferring that pain with rationalization, blame, and excuse. Now, made brave by hindsight and distance from these events, I decided to grab that knife in my chest and try to remove it. Fact is, I was in simply, blindly in love with her. And here, in my hand, was the proof that she "loved" me. Not only did I have the three simple words, etched by her hand on that stolen piece of hotel stationary. The evidence also lay in her sharing, in her knowing my character, in her embracing me as a deeply cherished friend. But, years later, without the urgency that had stricken me at the time, I realized she had never said she was IN LOVE with me. To her credit, she probably tried to make me aware she was not, but I could not hear it. I needed her love, and I was blind to the difference. That blindness may have been what drove her away. Suzie changed, turned cold, not out of a need to make me hurt, but as a defense from my poisonous desperation. I had spent so much energy wishing she would hold still, would stop dodging my feelings, and just let me love her. In the end, I was actually turning that energy into a wedge, and now she is gone, forever. It still hurts to think about it. All this hindsight and learning is the detailed re-telling of an instant of knowledge that came over me yesterday. As I re-read the letter, the self-aware me processed all of this, and found a peace for the blinded, suffering me of then. Clarity filled me up, indescribable in its newness, the careful words of naming to arrive hours later. Still, this new felling, though formless, had made itself known, and I drew on its wisdom. Not moments after I was aware that knife was still in my chest, I felt the knife cool. I slowly pulled it from my chest, and the long-standing wound bled ever so slightly. "Damn you, Suzie” I muttered to myself. “You broke my heart – my heart was broken, it hurt". Afterward, I felt something move inside me, the agents of healing already in action. By bringing the events to a close, I was finally free to attend to the damage. In retrospect, Suzie might have caused me to break my own heart, but I don’t think that even matters now. What does matter is that I had never admitted it, never opened up and let the pain run it's course. It was the best, most awful feeling, As the ache and growing mingled inside me, the life I sensed a glimmer of hope. Maybe – hopefully - my heart can be repaired. 021009 ... kss uh ... this is a draft, so it's got some boo boos. still, they're words; wet, newborn words, served stinky-hot for my friends, the gentle readers of blather. 021009 ... jane yesterday changed me i suppose guilt has a way of doing that but i knew it was coming 021010 ... unhinged but it didn't last very long. well at least some of it. i had this overwhelming sense of happiness. i don't know where it came from. maybe it was from religion class and really getting to know jesus. but then today, i am sad again. i know i have to leave them sooner than i wanted to. sooner than i physically have to. if he's doing glass....i don't even want to think about it. even though love_is_the_truth (or whatever that link may be) he has never wanted any love from me. i know he needs it from someone, but he doesn't want it from me. i'm not attractive enough, old enough...whatever. tomorrow is my 21st birthday. my mother called me last week and asked me if i had any plans for my birthday. 'no, not yet.' 'well i don't want you to sit around in your room all night by yourself.' aaahhh, my mother knows me too well. i would like to reflect on this past year. i miss her. but i miss the old her, or what i thought was the old her. i miss him but he never returns my phone calls. i miss not worrying about everyone i know. because i love so many people, that just don't care. or maybe they would say that they don't deserve me. why is love so scary? i don't want to be scared anymore. and the first person i make this decision with/for is still scared. how do you close up your heart to people that are indifferent or scared? i spend a lot of time sleeping to avoid these things. i should have gotten out of bed when my alarm went off this morning because i have a big test in religion tomorrow. but i didn't. i stayed in bed until the last possible second. i don't like to be awake one second more than i have to. and i still love them. i still think about them, worry about them everyday. but, there aren't any phone calls, any times to hang out, any kisses on the cheek and ravaged hugs. i need to leave them. i am not scared of love but everyone i love is. the last time i held him, i almost broke his bones. ouch. 021010 ... silentbob my car is fucked up i miss my friends i feel like telling them not to fight anymore and i'm tired and i saw sleater_kinney 021010 ... stork daddy sometimes i feel like jumping off the roof, but with my luck i'd miss the ground 021010 ... kss PROLOGUE: randomly, after not seeing Suzie for about 2 years, I saw her TODAY - not 24hrs after writing this, and 48hrs after my revelation. I was way out of my usual groove, having lunch with business associates in Emeryville. We go to a cafe I have never been to before, and, half way through lunch, in walks Suzie. I nearly freaked. I couldn't believe it! The timing was just way too weird. At the though of facing her, I began to get nervous, wondering what I would have to say for myself. Sure, my recent coming to terms with things made me feel at peace with the situation. At the same time, by remembering her I had re-lived some of my long dead feelings of friendship and desire. I had no idea all that thinking and resolving would ever be put to the test, let alone a mere 48 hours later. Turns out, I didn't have to be quite so nervous, because she was with some other people. Suzie completely ignored me; it was a small cafe, and we were pretty close, so I doubt she didn't notice or regonize me. Her blowing me off is understandable, I guess; her reasons for ignoring me for the past 2 years probably didn't change when she walked into the cafe and saw me. Man, it was weird, though. Especially since I had just dug a grave in the crawl space of my basement, and swore I'd kill her next time I saw her... just kidding. 021010 ... kss FUCK! LIFE ISN'T FAIR! NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! I AM A GOOD KID, AND I AM GODDAMN SICK OF NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT! AND I'M FUCKING LONELY, _FERCHRISSAKES! ahh... sorry about the little outburst. thanks. 021010 ... minnesota_chris that's the best blathe I've seen in a while, there, penis swab. 021010 ... Photophobe glowing I concurr. Except for the bit about thepenis swab... that seemed a little odd to me.. 021010 ... minnesota_chris He changed his name. . . he was King Super Special. And one of the names he was SOO close to using was. . . oh what was it? I think it was PeeHoleSwab. Which just makes me cringe. 021010 ... kss It occured to me that the PROLOGUE should be the EPILOGUE. no, I didn't spell check it, either. I come back to correct this mistake as a way to honor all the obsessive people I know. You know who you are, and we love you for it. 021024 ... devalis it was "Offend as many people as possible day". I became one mean bitch. 021025 ... anne-girl mmm, obsession 050106 what's it to you? who go blather from