residual_self_image The Truth Basically, there are two major options in life. Two ways you can mold and shape your attitudes and personalities. Either: *a* You are a Pathetic Victim of Life. Or: *b* You are a Master of the Art of Living. Your self image is your life on a mental movie screen. Your imagination, however is the projector. You can imagine (project) yourself as serene, confident, and generous (as God sees you), OR, you could project yourself as weak, tired, and afraid. (as...nevermind). The point, And this is possibly the THESIS of my entire "preachy" (as it is now affectionately refered to), albeit honest, blather discourse. This is the core of what I wanted to share with everyone here about what I've learned in life. You control your imagination, it may take a little practice at first but you can do it. You can imagine yourself as weak or as strong or dumb or smart or fat or thin or happy or sad or lifeless or vibrant or illumined or dark or greedy or as gentle, loving and kind as you want to, and the more you project it, the more your self image changes. Suddenly, people notice that YOU are different, better. How? Well that's another mystery of humanity. (and please: no arguments about how narrowminded it is to only see 2 options in life, there are infinite... bla bla bla, OK? I said "major") 010810 ... dB I used to do this when I was mountain biking. I'd Imagine myself the ultimate in cool cruising down a steep encline passing everyone in the field. In my black jeans and flannel shirt and no helmet with a smoke in my mouth. Much to the astonisment of most "professional" riders with all the gear. The streamlined helmets, the tights, clipless pedals, and gripshit... I mean gripshift shifters, they would enevitably get passed halfway down the hill by this big as guy in jeans with a smoke in his mouth trying to sing the words to Puff the Magic Dragon (this I used to do coz it would confuse everyone). Ahh, those were the days. 010810 ... kingsuperspecial those were the days? sounds like somebody has your balls in their pocket, boy. sad, sad, sad. 010810 ... dB Actually I'm single. Just smoke too much so I can't ride any more. plus I work too damn much. 010810 ... The Truth Did you find that your imagination affected your performance at all? or your motivation, dB? 010810 ... dB not really. I just imagined not coming off the bike. That usually worked. I even won a couple of times. There was a weekend long ride back in... 97 I think it was. I came second out of 750 riders, which was nice. I pictured myself sitting in someones slipstream toward the end coming around the bays, and then pulling past towards the finish. Didn't work though, that's why I was second. My imagination wanders too damn much though, and I guess that's the reason why I wander, and wonder. 010811 ... The Truth Maybe the other guy spent a little more time imagining that the 2nd place rider would almost overtake him at the finish, but he would pull away at the last second to become 1st place... 010811 ... unhinged yeah damnit. i remember the second it ruined everything for me. we were riding down 422 on our way to dennys and this massive confusion entered my brain. i said 'wait a second. nicole isn't supposed to feel like this. i'm not a happy person' and that was the thought that ruined it all. that very second i started to push him away. and i've hated myself for it ever since. 010811 ... The Truth Forgive yourself. You've punished yourself enough. You've put yourself through a personal Vietnemese concentration camp, torturous and confining. And now your self (soul) needs food and light, and room to breath. Self-Punishment contradicts life's enabling motivator: Self-Preservation. Once you let go of the past, and take a deep breath (or 10) and say to yourself, "It's ok that I did that, I am not going to ever be able to change it, so I would be helping myself to learn from it and move on." Then, instead of focusing on the bad points of losing him (or whatever happened...I don't know any of the details of your situation) Focus on the any happy memories that you have from that relationship. It's ok to keep those. Those are yours. I PROMISE you...you WILL feel better! 010811 ... unhinged this is what daf meant by me staring at my soul. see...it can get nasty. but i am trying to let go of things like this. really i am. 010811 ... The Truth not to sound like yoda or anything... but... "Do...or do not... there is no try." It's all about beliefs and perceptions...that is how our psychology is built. What you think is what you are. What you believe is what is real. Right now, unhinged, you BELIEVE it is hard, and it will be difficult to deal with this and get over it. Why not, instead, turn it around and just believe that it's EASY to get over it. It REALLY Is. Trust me, your mind won't know the difference. Your brain just takes whatever you believe and imagine, and manifests it into reality. Regardless if it's good for you, bad for you, positive, negative, it doesn't matter. But what happens is, you form Habits. You habitually start to think a certain way. Our minds love patterns and repetition, (which is why addiction is so common in human beings). But you can repeat ANYTHING and make a habit out of it. FACT: It's just as easy to make a good habit as it is to make a bad habit, your mind doesn't care. It's function is just to make habits. When you become aware that your thought process is habitually negative, then worry, fear, doubt, anxiety, and a plethera of other bad emotions cultivating inside your mind. The result being that you turn your brain into a negative thought processing machine. But like everything, the opposite is also true. You can start right now to start believing how easy it is to change and get over this. You can start crowding out those negative thoughts with positive ones, and you'll be amazed at how quickly your powerful brain will adapt. Eliminate the word "can't" from your vocabulary for just one day. Negative words plant negative thoughts in your head. "I can do anything." " I will succeed" "I am amazed at how quickly things change for the better!" Say it... just say it. Then say it again. I know, because I used this exact same technique to get myself out of a deeply depressed rut several years ago. Of course I still have negative thoughts, and I must MAINTAIN my positive thinking habits, but I am much happier than I used to be, and I found that I really did learn a lot from those negative experiences. 010811 ... The Truth This paragraph has a typo. It should read: When your thought process is habitually negative, then worry, fear, doubt, anxiety, and a plethera of other bad emotions cultivating inside your mind. The result being that you turn your brain into a negative thought processing machine. 010811 ... unhinged hahahaha sorry dear hate to laugh at you because you are trying so hard but have you ever heard the words cynical and pessimist? i understand what you are saying in principal. but in reality it takes a lot more work than just telling myself i'm going to get over it when i've thought pretty much the same way for a good five six years. it's very easy to form habits but it's a lot harder to change them. i am probably the most habitual creature you will ever meet and that is probably why i will never quit smoking. i have thought that very thought 'you will get over this' and i do...eventually. i hold on to things. i have a clingy personality. yes, i do get over things...eventually. 010811 ... The Truth Hey, I expected you to laugh, don't worry about it. Actually I expected you to cut me into several pieces and tell me to piss off. So, uh, thanks for not doing that. But, since I love to answer rhetorical questions... Yes, I have heard of cynical, yes, I have heard of pessimist. They both are terms used to label people who suffer from H.N.T.P [Habitual Negative Thought Patterns]. I get the feeling you totally understand what I'm talking about, so any further attempts to "explain" myself would just be an exercise in futile redundancy. This is a strange feeling to me. It's not that you don't get it... It's like you are sinking in quicksand, and I tell you to use that rope in your hands to escape, and you tell me, "Rope?! This is QUICKSAND here man! I know I have a rope, But that doesn't change the fact that I'm sinking in quicksand!" Or Maybe it's like you are driving your car, and you hit a mailbox, so you put the car in reverse and wish you never hit that mailbox, and your transmission get's stuck in reverse, and then you start going down a hill. So you just keep driving backwards. And I call you on your cell and say, "You are stuck in reverse, put the car back in First Gear." And you say, "Ever hear of transmission problems? My car is stuck in reverse, I've been driving like this for miles now ever since I hit that damn mailbox, I can't just put the car back in first! That's impossible, believe me." And so... So I scratch my head and say, "Well then, first stop going in reverse, then it will be much easier to put the car in 1st gear. And it may be tough, but you have to start going uphill, then you can drive right past that stupid mailbox and get to your destination." Yeah, I am trying kinda hard. Perhaps that is funny. I guess I think you are a cool person. And I like doing nice things for people that I respect. 010812 ... celestias shadow will you take the blue pill? or the red one? oops, i forgot. by then it was too late. that's not what he looked like inside. but it's the way he thought his DNA combined to make him appear. did you know if you look in a mirror, you see yourself not only reflected, but backwards? 030629 ... unhinged that i don't deserve to be happy (so i pick people i know won't make me happy) that anything and everything i do isn't good enough (thanks dad) 100815 ... Doar and what if i just imagine.....between your thoughts? . 100815 ... Doar and what if i just imagine.....between your thoughts? . 100815 ... Doar to a beginning... 100815 ... thy this makes me think of channel_P_and_channel_N 110825 ... birdmad I play multiple roles in the movie in my head...some victims, some villains. Either way, i hear they all die in the end? some time between now and then, I will have to reconcile the loose threads of the plot or it will all come out looking like a David Lynch movie 110826 ... perfectly_chaotic Peeling off layers of skin before it is even dead becomes a painful way to find the muscle beneath. At a slow pace the wounds will scab over well before you can ever reach your heart muscle. Time to find the scalpel and really find the face of the heart... B r o k e n... a p a r t. Self-esteem issues that stem from early childhood. Why the fuck was I not aborted? I found your book and know you were considering it mom. Why did you put me in the outfield in softball coach? Or should I say why did you put me in the right field dad? Why, when you put my best friend in the pitching spot? Why did you seem to like my friends more than me? A vain need for you to accept me. A vain need to find somebody, anybody to accept me since you wouldn't. Even if they treated me like shit, they could wipe their asses with me because I thought I could find approval as a toilet paper. The negative love. The insults made me afraid to have an opinion and afraid to be a person. The isolation coupled with the need for the love of somebody grew into adulthood. The isolation. The shame. The guilt. The isolation. The anger grew into the fire of a greedy decision not to want anything from anyone expect everything I could consume. The shame. The guilt. The isolation. Time to peel this skin off the face of my heart and watch the blood begin to spatter out of my soul so that I may truly learn to love without a need to get anything from you even if I still don't always think I am good enough for anybody. 110826 what's it to you? who go blather from