i_shouldn't_have_fallen_but_i_am anne-girl in serious like with this boy who does not love me, and would never consider it i establish that at the beginning (hopefully i won't get heart) he's sarcastic, and intelligent, knows his shit, i don't like stupid boys - he sporadically comes up with random questions about things, curiously, this I like he's... difficult... abrupt, cuts of conversations, definitively cool. He likes to have the upper hand, to be able to laugh things off. Confident he's occasionally softer... says mildly that he's halfway around the world from where he was born, speaking his third language (slightly accented, enough to be distinctive, but fluent); points out that the incompetent teacher is really kind of sad... knows things, but nobody cares he's cute, sort of... laughing at a joke one of his friends made, i like his smile he's still just a boy, who likes grand theft auto, nifty gadgets (he has a cell phone, he drives), plays poker and stuff... acts cool he's two years and four months (about) older than me, though we're in the same grade... an age that i can't fathom... nineteen... shit. i'm barely grasping the concept of turning seventeen soon, and even that is months away... he has ugly handwriting. i hold on to the morsels, like i shouldn't... he'll say i'm brilliant, say, concede defeat. smile. he could destroy me, destroy me, destroy me, destroy me, destroy me... if he wanted... i don't trust him. is stupid 050421 ... anne-girl get heart, get hurt my fragmented sentences don't even fit together incoherent 050421 ... anne-girl but it hurts, she says, crushed by a wave of self-loathing she remembers that she looks like a boy, and he does not love her, will not, has not, period she tries to stop looking at him, and sees him noticing, and sees that she's courting death by rejection she does nothing... addicted to hormones she is a stupid girl... sighs, lovelorn once more 050422 ... anne-girl (but still i hope, what if he loved me) ... he doesn't he doesn't i have to remember this... and convince myself i don't care i i i i i am only making it worse by adding angst, and convincing myself i am dying of unrequited love i'm not even in love with him, i can't be. and that's not denial... it's just a stupid crush, on a stupid boy, by a stupid girl who's emotionally mutilating herself, or something... or else she wouldn't do this to herself 050422 ... continuous light again, again, again. i'm such an idiot. i'm standing here waiting to watch myself fall past love and hit the rock solid floor beneath it. :sigh: i hate having feelings. this is the first time in years i've been scared, the first time in years i thought i really had something. a family. 050423 ... anne-girl he says "she knows everything... she just f**ks up all the time" he says "and then you laugh it off, but you're 'crying on the inside'" laughs at the melodrame, and because it's ever so true he is mainly concerned with pwnage, and i only occasionally pwn why do i do this? i could avoid him... not go towards his locations... insulting people doesn't make them love you? he asked me why i was so sarcastic and bitchy i thought because i... and replied 42 i'll be eighteen in precisely 15 months 050426 ... anne-girl (if he knew, he'd laugh at me) (ridicule me) (i wonder how much it would hurt) (i don't want to find out) (i have to stop this soon, or else i'm going to give myself away) (a girl told me it was clear it was someone in his direction) (i think he might know sometimes) (blather, blather, blather) (save me... from my hormones) 050426 ... anne-girl uh-oh now i don't even hate him anymore... i'm so dead... i was dejected, see, because he doesn't love me (like me care about me at all)... so i'd turn away abruptly and stare off into space - and he noticed, and asked what was wrong. maybe he's a nice guy after all or something and ignored me for the next few hours (which is fine... no reason for him not to) and then later, he had nothing to do, and i ended up talking to him about computers for an hour or so... ... ... but that was because he was stuck at school and was waiting for a ride home - i shoulda left & stuff i think this other girl likes him, and she's prettier than me, and more sarcastic, and, and... i think he only talks to me because i'm smart && know some things he doesn't && and can provide useful information to him sometimes... which is ok, really... i mean, he's not under any obligation to like me or anything... (it's just that it hurts) (and i feel like there's hope, and know that there's not) ((and if i don't hate him, that makes me... prone to being hurt more)) (i have to get over this Soon) 050429 ... anne-girl aii, I do believe I have completely fallen stupidly for this boy. I was finding it difficult to not look at it... I discovered that I like his smile, and his laugh, and that the colour of his skin is utter perfection. He... he... ah... it's so terrible, because he so perfectly does not show any signs of reciprocating at all, none whatsoever, because he doesn't, you see... ah... he says he's starting to like linux, you see... i could be cheesy and say i wish my name were linux, but that would be terribly, terribly sappy. Can't have that {still, i wish he liked me} i don't even want to get over him at the moment... i'm going to get hurt soon 050502 ... anne-girl ahhhhhhhhhhhhh shit this sucks... augh, augh, augh, i'm totally dying here... i mean, i'm trying to express the extent of how much this is going to hurt and does to someone, somewhere, but everybody is off-limits... i don't want to be this vulnerable person enslaved to his whims, i want to be the sardonic geek who doesn't give a damn about anything... but i'm not, and i can't possibly be... he's all confident and self-assured and who he is and only listens to me when he feels like it and such... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee why is he such a jerk, or it's just that he doesn't care, why does he not care? i mean how dare he... it's easy, easy, easy please please please love me please but i can't beg, you see... i'll just sit here and shit i got caught staring at him again and again and again and i have this image of him in my head... but but but augh augh this feels the same as every other crush ever that i've had on one of these boys... halfway-wanting to be rid of it but not really, just lying here staring at the ceiling utterly muddled, and them being oblivious... just drunk on the happy feelings brought on by my idiotic hormones... i'm dying here, dying, and i have nobody to talk to so i scream into the blue at blather... but it's not all that bad, i'm just a spoiled suburban kid who's a slacker and is... is... just stupid because she's smart but procrastinates and gets herself into shit, and looks like a guy (by choice i suppose) and gets crushes stupidly on guys who'll never like her in a million billion trilion year.... becuase she's ugly and shit and has no redeeming personality traits and isn't even a christian anymore, see she says shit and shit, she wouldn't have done that before... forgive me lord for i have sinned but she doesn't believe that shit stupid boy he talks to her talks to her talks to her about f**ing computers all the time, that's what he cares for... she's just someone for him to obtain knowledge off of insteald of f**ikng googling it see she can't even swear properly, what kind of person is she? watch her die is falling apart 050504 ... anne-girl i am dying. i will get better... only 18 more days and i will not have to see him for months, but right now i am dying. it's that horrible self-loathing augh he likes that other girl and not me feeling.... calm. he doesn't matter. He's just another boy who doesn't like me... there are so many of those, what's one more? He's an asshole, hardly perfection on earth. Why am i doing this to myself anyway? Sure, he's smart... but he's not that amazing. I can pwn him anyday. yeah... that's true. What the hell am i thinking? It's os easy... he doesn't even matter. And I even believe what I'm saying at this moment... why am I doing this to myself anyway? Shit, it's true... smile. Grin. I'm going to be dying again tomorrow... but he's he doesn't even matter... well, he does, but not as much. I'm fine... until I see him next :) 050508 ... . get some dick in you. that'll sort you out 050509 ... dandy or a solid sleep 050509 ... dandy or a dildo 050509 ... anne-girl bloody hell 050629 ... no reason i just feel so disconnected with everything except you and i wish it would stop or START at the very least and this is all i can say and i want to cry 050629 ... nomme) getting up 050629 ... anne-girl i hate this guy he makes me so unhappy :( 050716 ... anne-girl i think it'll be ok one of these days "getting up" 051004 ... unhinged john_and_i he only calls when he has something to relay he only listens when he's waiting for his turn to speak but my heart had to go and flop over when i met him and now i'm so fucking stuck gravity is a bitch every single time 051005 ... anne-girl i just realised that i don't love him, of course and i don't like him so why do i still care about him? it's like an odd country... that isn't love or like or friendly, just attraction and i_want_him but nothing else, really maybe i'll start being nicer it's hard, though he's not a very nice person at least not to me la la la i don't know la la la la la... la still, whenever i see him i kinda melt and my mind goes poof and i don't know what to say or do or think and it doesn't even matter because he just walks by, because I've spent all my remaining mental resources on not acknowledging his presence it's kind of like do you want him? yes then at least make an effort no why? because he's a fucking asshole why is that? i dunno... he's kind of arrogant and I'm horrible to him, and then I want to apologize and say let's be friends and then the next day he's horrible to me and I just act horrible back in return because we could never be friends because he ridicules everything I say because he only sees me as someone who's really good at finding information then why do you like him? I don't then why not get over him? i don't know do you care what he thinks of you? no... yes... maybe why not just ask him and get it over with? because I'm scared, and it'd be a horribly incongruous thing to do "you're an idiot" "go away" "shut up" you're terrible I know, I know girls_and_boys_and_boys_and_girls a_very_confusing_thing blathes_that_don't_exist_yet is fucked up 051016 ... me again la la la la la la la la LA LA LA LA LA LA LALALALALALALALALALA wtf. please god make me stop liking him [echoes of the same emotion expressed over, and over, and over, and over] 051101 ... just me i'm feeling a little bit strange, but closer_to_fine (ani difranco) he's still the same as always but the differential's moving, slightly It's always "yo, what's up, MY COMPUTER EXPLODED FUCK FUCK FUCK, shut up i don't care ok fine here's how to fix it now goaway THE EIGHTH BUTTON ON MY MOUSE DOESN'T WORK i really don't care leave me alone rtfm OOH PRETTY SHINY THINGS ya k bye" you ask, why do I put up with this shit? No ya don't. I guess it's something to do, a way to pass the time. And there's something about him I like, I guess. Maybe it's just that he's so impossible. Maybe it's that he's got this sort of backhanded respect for me that I find amusing, because I haven't seen it elsewhere. And today, this fourteenth of June, 2006, I proclaim that I will not despair over him again (in the manner seen here). 060614 ... ungreat I shouldn't have fallen, but i did. I tripped and fell and while i was down there eye level with the ants centipedes and pill bugs but just above the worms and coffins i got hurt and i was angry and lashed out and hated every one for never knowing what it was like to fall where i fell and how it felt to fall so hard so suddenly. You just waited giving me space and let me be cruel and then as suddenly as i fell i got up and now im all right. but i remember the bugs and the dirt and sometimes i still feel like i'm fallen. like i'm still broken, and i'm still mean. Maybe if you'd picked me up or saved me from falling altogether i wouldn't be this way, but you're not jesus, and you're not my saviour, and i can't expect that of you, even though i'm still your saint, because i'm the one who picks you up and puts you back together, because i've been fallen. 080716 ... unhinged angry at you now for not reading my mind 080716 ... steampunkrock i shouldn't have fallen, but i did. now, you're the only person i will never speak to again. anger is not in my nature, so, once again, you've managed to bring out the worst in me. 080716 what's it to you? who go blather from