healing_myself TrueMe I hereby declare....I am taking time to heal myself. There is much pain and hurt and sadness that I have experienced in the last year. I have been working hard, had a difficult breakup, been overwhelmed, started another intense relationship, ended that relationship, discovered things about myself I did not like, gone slightly insane (several times), and gone deep on many, many, many issues. I am realizing that I have not taken time for myself to be with myself and heal myself. I need to regroup, reconnect, and regrow my sense of self and power. I need to heal the wounds I have created and experienced. I need to become whole again before I reconnect with a serious lover - though casual and simple is an option right now. I need to become whole so that I can move forward with purpose and direction and clarity and so that I can be fully available to whatever and whoever comes next. I need to heal so my wounds don't become my damage that I can't let go of. There has been too much of that in my life and I am ready to move on now. I already feel lighter just declaring that. I will be cleaning my heart for the next period of time. 070320 ... unhinged for over a year, i could not sit. everytime i focused on the breath it reminded me of what he did to me. i think because as it was happening i retreated inside my mind, disconnected myself from my body and what he was doing to it. so when i sat to meditate, it was the first thing i saw, felt. it was right there too close. everytime i sat, i cried. so i didn't sit. for a very long time. too long a time. i buried what he did to me so deep, i didn't realize months later that all the frustration and anger and sadness that was coming up was probably at least partially a product of what i had refused to deal with. last winter was very bleak and lonely for me. one of the loneliest of my life. feeling/being used has been a very prevalent emotion of my adult life, but being used in such a violent way was too much. then my work started to go down the toilet. my health followed close behind. i hadn't felt stress like that since i dropped out of grad_school. i started to lose noticeable amounts of weight between my decreased appetite and my increased exercise. ( i was trying to have a healthy productive outlet for all my excessive nervous energy) my ribs and my hips jut now. none of my clothes fit. i don't have the money for new ones. but at probably the worst moment of my stress, the universe threw me a bone as_if_time_had_just_begun and suddenly my stress melted. it may have been all the gin and sex, but regardless. i felt love in a way i have not felt love since sam. i was beginning to get the hopeless feeling that i would never have that again, the kind of smooshy love i had with sam. i can't pinpoint the exact moment, day, i started meditating again, but i am mostly sure it was some time after i met bobby. i sat and for the first time since that asshole raped me, i didn't cry. i felt sad, but not so overwhelmed that the tears leaked out. because love healed me just enough to get back to myself, to reconnect my mind to my body. to be who i was with no apologies. after i broke up with bobby, i started regularly attending saturday morning cafes at the shambhala center here. even level 1 shambhala training and other programs. i sit more at home than i ever have. my life has been very chaotic in the months since i broke up with him. but somehow i have found the courage to remain still in the face of most of it. like a duck with water on it's back, like the sunshine above the clouds, like the waves on the surface of the ocean. there are parts of me that are fearless now. this year has turned out to be pivotal. 091123 ... amy nada so sorry that you had that experience, unhinged. it's good to hear that you've regained your meditation practice. i've been meditating more lately, though i'm still confused about what lineage/what sort of teacher to look for... the shambhala center here is too far away, i seem to think, and i don't like going into the city. i had an insight in meditation the other day that's revolutionizing my self-concept. about a past life. I'm not sure, though, if it's a wish granted -- curiosity sated -- or if it's truly what i need to integrate at this point in time.... today i was thinking i don't want to heal my emotions... because i want to be that heartbroken to take me into my next life and get all those second chances, do-overs, i wish i had... to be emotionally aligned with the do-over and not blow it next time. but with more insight, i bet there's a 50% chance these feelings will also go away, and i will be congratulating myself for how far i've come.... yes, i'm still pretty confused. i don't enjoy life enough, and i kind of think that it might not be any fault of mine, it's just the way it is, and i have to accept the limits that do exist. but isn't that self-defeating, and a sure ticket to spiral downward? i guess that's why one meditates. to remain calm and properly extended. 091123 ... unhinged not just regained it, but actually gotten serious about it and been the most dedicated to it i've ever been. i've always been the most interested in tibetan buddhist practices so the shambhala center seemed the most logical place for me to go. i really like my center, but after researching the center near my parents' house for when i go home for christmas i realized the center here is more active than others. i find that being part of the community inspires me to practice more. it sounds kinda trite and cliche, but it really does help. the head of the lineage, sakyong mipham, recently went into a year long retreat, and he had a public talk that was videocast so i went to my center to hear/see it. the thing he said that day that has stuck with me was 'i would like you to know that while i am in retreat i will be practicing with you' (sic) there was also something about the thought that there were people in shambhala centers all over the world watching that videocast at the same time that day. but the fact that he used the word 'with' had a special resonance with me. not sure exactly why *shrugs* shambhala is more of a secular community. they try to invite everyone who is interested in meditation, not just buddhists, into the community. but it is also a tibetan lineage. a phrase that keeps coming up there is 'be gentle with yourself'. i never realized how much hostility i had towards myself, really, until i heard someone say that to me. don't mean to evangelize ; just know that until i made a concerted effort to become a more integral part of a community, i was pretty lazy about my practice. 091123 ... unhinged (i think the way i have healed my emotions is to acknowledge them. not to repress them or judge them, but notice them. let them be. emotions have a mind of their own. they take over whenever i give them the chance. a watched pot never boils. or something) 091123 ... amy nada i had a bad experience at a shambhala center in seattle just after 9/11, the open house guy sat in his chair and talked about how erroneous catholics are... he was an ex-catholic... i don't feel any need to be like that, although now i understand the criticisms a little bit better. so i never went back. two days before the priest at the catholic church was saying about how all these other religions on the interdenominational walk for peace didn't know jesus. so i stopped going there too. i would definitely give shambhala another chance -- i take the spiritual materialism warning of chogyam trunpa very seriously, but it's in rogers park or evanston or something, which is a total pain to get to. last night i had a dream about a gigantic yet intimate party put on by U2 and there was some kind of song about me and pie, so i feel good this morning and am grateful. i think that, probably, the way one's emotions are put together is a very personal manner, and it varies quite profoundly from person to person... this thought might be why i shy away from the sangha (buddhist community)... i'm probably too righteous on the point though.... 091124 ... unhinged funny you mention it; i'm reading 'cutting through spiritual materialism' right now. ;-) the first few times i went to the shambhala center, i didn't like the way they charged money for their classes (it felt too catholic to me, where i was also coming from as a kid) and i used that as an excuse to not go back for like a year and a half. there were a few other supposed reasons i avoided it. i started going out drinking with my friends on tuesday nights when the meditation that i thought fit into my schedule best was. the cafe on saturday mornings was too early; blah blah blah. full of excuses. but then i had that bad break_up a few months ago. so i guess my ego was battered enough that it couldn't come up with all the bullshit it was usually a master of feeding to me. i started going on saturday mornings. (as much as i resist getting up in the morning, i find i like the sense of accomplishment that i inevitably get when i get my ass out of bed and do stuff before noon) the lady who usually runs the cafe is an awesome woman who is a social worker in a juvenile detention center. it had a different feel to it than i remember tuesday nights being, a different crowd too. admittedly, the center here in milwaukee is not as much a pain in the ass for me to get to. it's about 15 blocks from my apartment, right on the bus line that runs right past my place. i too struggled with the sangha thing coming from a catholic background. i thought that i could just read books and practice on my own. but i kept reading books that kept telling me i needed to be part of a sangha and have some kind of teacher. i resisted that for years. but, i know better than anyone how lazy i am. now that i've found the right mini sangha, it's made all the difference. 091124 ... thieums there is nothing to heal if there is no self 130326 ... unhinged (i'm not particularly impressed with the shambhala sangha here in seattle either; they talk but they don't walk. they collect their pins like merit badges, take their vows, volunteer to gather the merit and as soon as practice is over, not a trace of enlightened activity or spirit radiating from them. just another thing to check off, to do. that is not meditation_in_action but then_again i remind myself: that is the difference between buddhas and humans) 130426 what's it to you? who go blather from