ask_satan silentbob i heard rumors that you are a mean asshole. is this truth? 001030 ... satan it may be true but I dance like a motherfucker http://home.fuse.net/online-aquarium/satandance.htm 001030 ... chanaka hey--i know this guy and his name is devil. are you two related? cause i give family, you know. free counciling from the start till i have you hooked. then comes the punch. spiked of course. 001030 ... the devil hi all. this is the devil. satan an' me are step-brothers. he's a hell of a dancer. he'll tell ya like it is. i endorse everything he says fully and without question. 001031 ... the devil oh, chanaka. i could really dig some free counseling. i got....... some real issues, needless to say. 001031 ... chanaka of course you do...issues are wonderful. but first you have to sign your soul over to me. it's in the contract....then everything is free. 001031 ... the joker satan have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? 001031 ... the devil chanaka- hey bud. i sure hope satan doesn't get pissed, what w/ me blathering all over his column and all. oh well, i'm over it. that sounds like a real deal. counseling in exchange for my soul. can i bring friends and family to these sessions? 001031 ... satan joker- yeh. me an' him got this break-dancing routine all worked up. whenever there is pale moonlight, we lay down a section of cardboard, put some zappa on the ghetto blaster and get down. 001031 ... Satan His Own Bad Self So children, are there any questions, comments, accusations or blasphemies you would like to share? come on, come along, step right up. 001101 ... god satan- hey pal, what's shakin'? this is god. i got a question to ask. i'm gonna take the old lady down to cancun for a couple weeks, and i was wondering if you would mind taking over for me while i'm gone. ya know, sorta check in on everyone at the home office. feel free to answer any questions posted on "ask god" or "hey god" or whatnot. lemme know, god 001101 ... Satan Sure thing, pops. and i'll make sure Jesus cleans up his room too. 001101 ... god man, you're the best! i'll see you in a couple weeks. thanx again, god 001101 ... silentbob satan why is it said that you hate god? 001101 ... chanaka hmmmm...but do you really need counciling? it seems to me that you have an excellent relationship with your father. i must say that is better than most. you don't harbor any jealousy towards jesus? after all, he seems to be more popular...though the argument can be made either way. and, are teachers agents of evil? because i have 3 tests this week.... 001101 ... Satan i don't hate him, per se, but we don't generaly get along. But you'd be pissed too if your dad set you on fire, made you stay in a basement and gave your share of the family business to your goody-two-shoes little briother and your stoned uncle who thinks he's a ghost. Although i'll admit, we get along better since i went into business for myself, 'cause even though he has a more widely read press kit, my marketing campaign is much more effective. 001101 ... Satan You never need to ask what "I" would do, because it's the same thing YOU would do and that's what makes it fun. Of course i'm not jealous of Jesus, i get all the babes and He STILL can't play piano. 001101 ... psycho babe dear santan, Hey whaz up? I'v heard some nasty stuff about you, is it true you were kicked outta heavin? Or was it cuz you WERE better than god? I really wold like to know......... 001107 ... Satan i had quite a few better ideas, but apparently he expected what i was going to do because the response to our little mutiny was quite swift (and kinda crispy) 001107 ... god in mexico man these mexican whores are cheap! hey satan. just takin' time out of the festivities here in cancun to say "hey!". forget about that old grudge dude. i know we will always have our differences. i know things can never be like they were in the old days. i'm willing to put it behind me, however. furthermore, i'd like to invite you over for thanksgiving. we'll have a couple long island iced teas and a big doobie. what d'ya say? 001107 ... Satan hey, works for me (besides, you know i'm not really all that pissed at you...it's all just extra publicity for both of us...why else do you think i invented people like Don King.) And would you kindly tell Jesus to wear some fucking gloves next time he's in the kitchen...i mean damn! that's gross...you'd think he'd have the courtesy to heal those things shut when he's not out in public appearing on tortillas and in house fires 001108 ... Barrett Great! Satan and God are friends, and Busch and Gore are tied. 001108 ... Satan what did you expect, he's my dad. (even though many who knew the truth about that were burned as heretics centuries ago...i guess it is a disquiteing notion) if you've read the book of Job, you know that most of the nasy shit i do, i do with his permission. other than that, our major disagreement is a purely academioc matter and even i can never make up my mind about wanting to reconcile or wanting to fight your bodies were made in his image but i was the template of your souls 001108 ... satan ahem, i mean..."academic" 001108 ... god in mexico hey cool! you know how jesus is. i have a hard enough time trying to get him to take off those crusty fuckin'sandals when he comes in. i'll see that you get the place between me and curt cobain. oh yeh, nice work on the election. see you in a few days! 001108 ... satan later, pops 001108 ... Raina can I have my soul back? that fucking ice cream cone was NOT that good... you cheater. 001108 ... Satan sorry, i must have been drunk when i made that deal. wait three days it'll come back to you in a dream. 001108 ... psychobabe hey santan I was chillin with god, whaz up with you? I just think I sold my soul to you, or was it god?????????????? God dam!! I gotta start writting things down, my head hurts.... By the way, is it true that your really really reallly sexy? Cuz you know I love the red tint..he he he... 001121 ... satansatansatan i'm in a mortal body right now, so i'm not actually too sexy at the moment. all of that wretched excess which i do so love has put me in a state wherein i must haul my unholy behind to the gym Oing! 001122 ... psychobabe hey maybe I'll see you there sometime, we can hook up 001122 ... psychobabe thats cool, maybe I'll see you there at the gym sometime, we could hook up 001122 ... psychobabe oops, my other side came out there, you know how it is with hering voices in your head, they never stop! 001122 ... SCOTT the voices in my head speak spanish but i don't!! devil man-what are they telling me to do? ps-loved what you did to Russia-when can we expect the same? AND, IF YOU ARE THE DEVIL, CAN YOU STILL LOVE? I MEAN TRUE LOVE, UNSELFISH AND CARING? LET ME KNOW, HUH. PRAISE BUDDHA!!! 001129 ... hell is a cold place to be i think the voices are telling you to pull down your pants and spank your monkey, bunch of damn pranksters... oh, and if you ever hear voices in chinese, they're telling you the same thing. those two sets of voices have been nothing but trouble since i let them out of their box. wish i hadn't. Unfortunately for me, yes, i can love, but because of who i am, it never works. I feel. That is why hell is such a torment. there is no torment greater than to know love that can never and will be requited. 001129 ... SCOTT ok so i am obviously in hell then, who woulda thunk it was denver? and spank my monkey? can't, it gave me carpal tunnel, but what a way to get it. you're not such a bad guy for a master of evil. PRAISE LOKI!!!!! 001130 ... Glory Box Satan, why aren't I "BAAAAAAAD" like the song says? Why aren't I a fly mofo? Make me sexy Satan, too sexy for my cat even. Make the world want me, but not too much groping. I'll give you a blowjob! Sound fair? 001130 ... The extra Satanic Mojo thang goin on up in here ~~ never says no to a blowjob ~~ i'm working on it. it's mostly a matter of attitude, get some and the rest is less about what you've got going on than about how you use it. yeah, baby, yeah! 001130 ... dickflem Here, Satan, I hear you, Gabriel, Micheal and the rest of those angels are Hemaphrodites, is that truth or you just peddlin more propoganda thru the malleable little minds yo pops designed for us? I'm getting a Hemaprodite for Xmas, sweet. 010327 ... Satan himself i'll tell you what. yes and no. they can reassign their gender with a thought. most choose to be male because its a power kinda thang and they can create little half-angel offspring (but dad doesn't like that set of grandkids - Nephilim have always had bigger attitude problems than even me, power of an angel, free will of a human, it's a dangerous mix.) it's funny though, when they go female they can't be impregnated by any means. 010327 ... Satan is bored without inquisitive minions asking What, doesn't anybody have any questions? damn, what a bunch of slackers 010524 ... Miner hey satan, how ya doing, i just really was wondering if alcohol was like your doing or gods, and who the hell put the hangover on the end of the deal, that really sucks. 010524 ... Miner Ok and while I think about it... in the nine satanic statements, at number 6 it says:- 6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires! What’s your problem with... psychic vampires, and umm how can you tell if your like talking to one or something Also do you have any kind of price out on their head or anything... not that I may know any or anything, just curious and all :) 010524 ... Satan ok, here's the deal me and god made alcohol together (one of those kool father/son kinda projects, jesus was in on it too, 'cause he was our first test subject) well, the hangover effect was unplanned, and by the time we got through the beta test stage, it was just getting worse (R & D was never our strong suit in the celestial realm, how else would you explain the platypus) we could have made the effects of alcohol surpass the power of the orgasm, but then it would have caused people to spontaneously combust...we figured that it wasn't worth that kind of trade-off psychic vampires have subliminal fangs that they're always trying to stick in your mind but other than that they're mostly just a nuisance That Anton! oy vey! always so serious. 010524 ... Miner Oh oh oh, I got another one, I got another one... well actually a few :) 1: If I sold you my soul, how much would I get for it? 2: Don't you think your being a little harsh on the quality of my soul in your answer to the above question... its quite a good soul you know? 3: who throws the best parties, you or god? 4: Which are more fun, angels or succubus? And finally.... 5: why did the chicken really cross the road? And ummm finally again... 6: is it true the biggest man made occult circle in the world is the M25 motorway in England? Thanks, for the answers i hope you give oh horny one.... do you really have horns and a pitchfork? 010525 ... me myself and i 1) the value i give you in trade for your sould is always negotiable. 2)this avoids the thorny issue of me being harsh. 3) the best parties, ooh, tough call... i get halloween, he gets christmas, and we collaborate on mardi gras 4) another tough call there. from an all-around standpoint, i would have to say angels because they're my buds from way back, from a purely romantic and/or sexual standpoint though the succubi win because i created them for that spectrum of experience, truthfully Cupid (when depicted as a winged baby) was a larval incubus. 5) because i was comin' after him with a hatchet and a deep fryer (and mashed potatoes and gravy on my mind) 6)yeah, something like that until next time, setting the dial to "Extra Sizzly" Satan Satan Satan 010525 ... silentbob do i poop too much? 020416 ... sabbie dear satan i guess im not really asking this as much as jsut getting it confirmed: are you embarrased by all those fucktards who use you as an excuse to be lame arseholes who run around proclaiming that "the devil made them do it" and keep the carears of bands like ad/dc and kiss alive? 020416 ... satan in triplicate dear bob. i guess it all depends if you are talking about frequency, volume or some combination thereof. and no, choking the toilet is not (necessarily) an indicator now, if you leave a pile the size and weight of a human head, however, then my answer is an unqualified yes 020417 ... satan satan satan dear sabbitha; naaahhhh, i'm not too embarassed, except maybe embarassed for them. besides, hell needs janitors, then they really will have me makin' 'em do stuff at my command...like cleaning the harpy cages...i tell ya those things shit everywhere. i'm not real big on KISS - i mean they're okay in that big dumb and loud kinda fun thatrical way, but i do dig AC/DC -- they rawk ass...i've been trying to get Bon Scott to help me write some tunes, but he's still drunk and when he's not totally pissed he's usually shacked up with a couple of succubi, so it's been pretty rough going trying to work with the guy. and just to clear things up for anyone out there...the only reason i get most of the rock stars down here is because the acoustics are better down here and some of 'em are still so high they think they're playing an extended gig at Red Rocks 020417 ... D Is it true that you fuck people every five minutes? If so, this is a really cool job and how can I get into it? 020417 ... melancholy satan (x3) centuries of humiliation in the incubus pits. unfortunately not my job anymore. shit i haven't gotten any since i lost the ability to shape shift (freak accident, long story) damn, lemme see... saturday august 30, 1997 with a tall red-haired goth girl who looked like a vampire version of Bridget Fonda in "Single white female" and who had been hitting on my ex-girlfriend a lot. it was painful for me, but in that good way. so no, unfortunately for me, i'm not geting it every five hours any more, besides it would speak even more poorly of me if i was only lasting five minutes at a throw...i like to take my time... unlike my uncle (you know, the stoned one who thinks he's a ghost - he saw Mary for the first time and he popped right there, whatta mess - but hey, i got a little brother out of the dea lso it wasn't all bad) so, as it is, i am stuck in ugly mode, and the only attention i get lately is from curious angels who change their minds at the last minute. but i don't blame them. after all, i am the lord of the pit and the fun couldn't last forever. 020417 ... reitoei what kind of vacation packages do you have? 020620 ... sabbie and how many virgins are we talking here? 020620 ... god where's the remote to the tv? 020620 ... satan satan satan rei - check out the club_med_section_of_hell sabbitha - i lost count dad - it's busted, i've been shopping for one of those nice Sony universal types 020621 ... cresentwhench Oh, Satan, say hi to Bon for me, damn I miss him. Give him a shot or two, I'll give you my soul later...Paybacks are a bitch. 021120 ... satan satan satan Bon says "OI!" i'd give him a shot but he's taken the whole bar over anyway and he's been kicking dean martin's ass. it's pretty funny. man, as my punishment lately (dad, can ya do something about this?) i've been getting nothing but christmas commercials on the tv channels here. really sux. yeah, people on earth think the holiday blues are bad... try havin 'em here in hell 021120 ... satan sex 040520 what's it to you? who go blather from