i_will_not_cry_in_school endless desire iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool iwillnotcryinschool ohpleasedontlet_me_cryinschool. 031016 ... pipedream hang in there..one shouldn't cry in front of anyone, laying yourself bare like that in front of the unworthy- they won't understand...and if you have to, then only in front of people who care about you and you absolutely trust, because they won't run away (actually they do, but at least they won't ask stupid questions or crack lame jokes) *hugs endless* 031017 ... misstree i disagree, but i have strange perspectives behind me... cry whenever the hell you want to... do it hard and loud, or silent and wet... everyone cries, anyone who could look at a person with tears in their eyes and be a shit about it needs the emotional dagger that mocking that echo in themself causes, needs to remember the next time *they* cry that they were heartless fucks. even when i was sharpening my claws on the soul of the boi a few weeks ago, when memories of a friend who had passed on brought tears to his eyes, i could do nothing but hold his hand and tell him that i understood, that it was okay. *but*, like i said, i have some strange perspectives behind me, and more practice than i care to admit at crying silently while going about my business. i just wish i had a whole flock of butterflies to send to hide you in colorful flutters and dusty caresses. but i don't even have an army of feral cats yet, so you're going to have to settle for knowing that ya got me tearing up a bit myself. :P 031017 ... stork daddy is there a better place to cry? people just don't like it there because it reminds them how much anxiety they're covering up everyday at that place of "learning"!!!!!!!!! 031017 ... pipedream generally i agree with you stork, school is just one more place you can let 'er rip...but i still would generally prefer not to cry in public, if i could help it. 031017 ... Lemon_Soda Sometimes I think of something, or notice something at school. Its just a normal thing, whatever or whoever it may be, but, it gets me. My eyes get misty and I have to squint a few times. My chest feels like it is dropping and suddenly I don't feel so much like even walking. Thats crying at school... I don't know what it means, because I quite forget what it was that made me so sad in the first place... but the feeling that way, and never knowing if one day you WILL remember. What's so bad that I can't hold onto it long enough to do anything but feel like a vibrating empty shell? 031017 ... cupcake ive only cried in school a couple of times when i couldn't get away, and nobody said anything mean but i could feel people looking at me. there was pity from some people and just meanness from others and i didn't like it very much because i felt very exposed when i was hurting really bad and i couldn't do anything about it. if i was in school with anyone on this page and i saw you cry i would just go up and take your hand, i'd try to do it sneaky so no one would notice you but me, and if anyone looked at you i'd glare at them so they would know that you were safe and they shouldnt be mean. 031017 ... x i did, last night 031017 ... oldephebe DAMN! YOU PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL! Misstree what you wrote almost brought tears to my eyes..especially the last stanza..pd, lemon soda, stork, cup cake you all have such beautiful souls.. and endless - i'd just echo what everyone said here..go to the blathe page dead..um i just posted something there wich will convey what i want to say..endless you are so incredibly beautiful and maybe that is why you cry in such an ugly world..sorry i don't have anything oracular or eloquent to impart but my heart is for your you gurl ... 031017 ... werewolf i remember the day at school i finally was convinced our school's mission statement was lip service, the day i felt i earned my cynicism. it was right after columbine and my friend wasn't allowed to finish his wrestling season because his grades were low, but really for a guy like him who didn't really have a girlfriend and would probably end up working with his dad as an electrician anyways, that team was his life, and this girl who was always so sweet got pregnant and the dean called me into his office and told me he noticed i came from a single parent home and that a lot of kids whose dad's walked out on them have attitude problems because he didn't know my dad had died. and i remember sitting in the office and just i couldn't help it. i walked right out and past a teacher who i really loved at that time and she asked me what was wrong, but i couldn't stop, i had to just walk past her. and at first i felt like i was choking, like i could just fade away, but the more people i passed, the more visible i felt, as if i was the only person who could see what was wrong and to them it looked like there was actually something wrong with me. and i just had to get out of there. 031017 ... oldephebe Man! just..mmhhmm..(the mmhhmm thing is an apfrican american emotive sound that conveys the ineffable sense of empathy for anothers plight..i don't think i'm spelling it right..but it's something the folks in my parents generation would say when confronted with a saga that made them feel like Heartbrothers with the teller of the tale..) werewolf, i so get where you are coming from i lost my dad as a young teen and i got all the spiel about single parent and fractured families and the summation of my Life crystrallized and reduced to some asanine page in a text book on how to assert authority over recalcitrant teens..blech.. i so despise the anal retentive compassionaless who by the sole merit of their age and mediocre matriculation and assimilation of a highly dubious orthodoxy ply their beknighted trade and don't see the young people really suffering..they're all i had it hard so what's wrong with these little snots? Some young folk have legitamately earned their broad swathe of emotional bruises so we can't ask them not to be human, not to manifest their wounds.. we can only gentle try and guide them.. i so dig what you whared werewolf ... 031017 ... werewolf yeah...well i always thought...how could they do this when they must've gone through the same thing...and then sometimes i find myself acting just like they did. 031017 ... werewolf the girl wasn't just sweet either...she was so smart...and she had to drop out. i mean, i think she went to community college, but it wasn't like it would've been. 031017 ... misstree i am reminded of a poem that showed up in the underground newspaper in our high school... it expounded on all the things that our generation had to face that the previous didn't, aids and pollution and being raised by empty vee and sex drugs and violence growing like shadows at dusk... each class was a little more crowded, each group had to elbow a little more for their education and their pissing rights... i am also reminded of the friends who have become teachers, who constantly earn flak from their peers but who truly Teach people, who bridge that gap... again i am reminded of my own dead dreams... it is surprising but not that this page has such outpourings... 031017 ... oldephebe misstree - are they really dead or just inert..do they just need to be resucitated? ... 031017 ... stork daddy one of mistree's dreams is still alive. and i promise you one day you will have trampoline sex, you just have to keep believing. 031017 ... misstree it would take rituals beyond my present imaginings to bring them back. my blood has been drained and replaced with slack and avoidance of any sort of structure, and into the heart of structure would i go to seek this grail. five years from now, who knows. 031017 ... misstree oh, stork, really? i mean it feels like just last weekend i finally crossed the air matress barrier, but a trampoline??? i dare not hope. someday i might even get my purity_test score down to single digits... if i'm a bad little girl and say all my prayers... 031017 ... langston hughes what happens to a dream deferred? 031017 ... Lemon_Soda You risk losing it to another. 031020 ... pipedream i was going to say something intelligent and meaningful, but all i can say *now* is- ooooooo, werewolf is back!!!! yeeaayy! 031020 ... celestias shadow i can't cry in front of people. i'm ashamed to cry now. i try to stop it. even when i'm alone, i can't let myself go. i can't take solace in gut-wrenching sobs anymore. they won't come. i won't let them. and that frightens me. 031026 ... oE steel being sutured over the tender flesh.. 031027 ... pipedream can't you gut-wrench in private? :( if you can't gut-wrench at all, do it in front of people. nuts to them, at least *you'll* feel better. 031027 ... oldephebe pd - you always say something scintillating and intelligent..without even trying..brilliant..:) 031027 ... endless desire i will not cry in school. i can't stand a million people asking me what's wrong because they feel it is their obligation as a human, but not because they actually care. nothing is wrong. fuck off, will you? i won't cry. i'd rather burst from the build up of sorrow and tears than cry in front of any of them. they don't deserve to see my weakness. 031027 ... pipedream aww, shucks, 'phebes..*toes ground bashfully* i know what you mean, endless....its a love-hate situation with the weakness...i will be strong, i will be immovable and in control, and yet its just so easy- and rather wonderful- to just be taken care of. dunno. one more contradiction to the personality. 031027 ... ClairE I made it to the hallway, stood looking out the window at the green expanse, hands gripped on the windowsill, hiding the tears that dripped onto my shirt with the expanse of my back. People wouldn't stop walking by. 031104 ... girl_jane A lot of us did... see: possibilitarian 031105 ... endless desire and then i did and it just was fair it wasn't fucking fair. 031118 ... ferret i will. every damn chance i get. 031118 ... Jane Doe Because I like to lie to myself, telling myself that I am not in pain, and for me show that I am silently suffering, a closet zoloft-addict, to anyone would rip off the tattooed on mask which I have so very well bestowed upon myself. Cheers. 031209 ... someone but i might run away and then cry 031210 ... Somebody that I used to know I cried in high school. College is harder to cry in. If you are crying, you simply walk out the door and go home. In High School, you sit at your desk and stifle it, or go to the bathroom and hope someone will walk in and give you a hug. No one ever does. 071107 ... unhinged i took the back way, the quieter less travelled way, from my teacher's studio to the practice rooms and sat down at the piano playing on of the first songs i ever learned ( the sick doll by tchaikovsky ) to cover up the sniffles and half sobs. sometimes i ran into professors, the female vocal prof or piano prof, but quickly glanced back at my feet so i could get behind closed doors and cry without the look of pity i saw on their faces. 080626 what's it to you? who go blather from