what_makes_you_sad_somedays knot meat a man waiting for the bus when it's cold out and midnight, even if he has someplace warm to eventually go. an empty bowl of cereal in the morning. the wine bottle empty again, and so less decorative. seeing a man and a woman smoking cigarettes in dirty plaid t-shirts as they laugh, and i'm on my way to take a law exam, and i'm thinking, i feel more like you. and i see my professors and others, and i think, i don't want to be you, you're the one i always thought didn't really have it figured out, wore dishonest riches, masqueraded as stable and secure pettyfoggery i guess. insufficient scope. but other days,i'd feel so absurd and weightless that nothing can bring me down. and is even this lack of ability to feel empathy for a moment, isn't it a gift from god? even when i can't feel empathy for myself? it's a blessing. i see the man and maybe he's going to do a jig on the bus when he gets on. or maybe the bus will exploded and confetti will come out. what answers do you have to the crisis here or there or elsewhere? you can't not pick an answer. the empty cereal bowl is still there every morning. and the days of happiness and the days of sadness can sort of balance out so that regardless of what you say, you're never really telling them the truth of how you really feel just then who you really are. it's easier than admitting it all, than acting on it. it's easier to just say, that's just a guy sitting and waiting for a bus, it's really too soon to be happy or sad. so you just are. and when you fail yourself, you just are. and when you're happy about something, or sad about something, can you find design in it? or is it rather that you're still waiting for that blessing that feeling from inside that turns something into happy or sad, and seems both inside you, but also indefinetly out of your reach. 041204 ... monee i saw a broken clarinet at the sally ann it was sitting there, in its black case, in the glass display case po' girl started playing in my head "pawned my clarinet, pawned my old bed ain't got no place to lay my head" and i started thinking of all the poor lost little clarinets out there in the world, little orphan clarinets and all the sad clarinet stories to go along with those sad little clarinets so i bought the thing, knowing it's broken, knowing i don't know how to fix it, knowing i've never played a clarinet and i told it "it's okay, i'll try to help you" ha! 041204 ... stork daddy wow... 041204 ... stork daddy i really like the "pawned my old clarinet, pawned my old bed, ain't got no place to lay my head" in fact, even though i've never had a clarinet, there's a good chance i'll now sing that when i'm feeling sad to the point of absurdity. 041204 ... . that was amazing monee 041204 ... Deomis I wake up in the morning (the sun's not shining through my window) and I lay entangled in the sheets thinking about what will happen today and I remember that today will be just like yesterday and in realizing the monotony of my life I cry 041205 ... smurfus rex for all of the vitriol that has spilled out of me in response to the mallrats and their continuing adventures, there are some times when I take a step back and think about why they're at the mall. What drove them to my doors? What other options are available to them (or not available) such that the mall is the best choice to spend their time? What do they get out of coming here every day without fail, getting their customary Orange Julius and doing laps on the upper and lower levels? The mallrats, the regulars, the indigenous life forms, they know the rules. They know what they can get away with. Some of them even take care of their mall like it's their home. Some of them consider it just that. For many of them, the worst punishment they could face is losing the privilege of coming to the mall. Don't take their mall away...anything but that. From a purely objective standpoint, the mallrats are safer in the mall than on the street. With the exception of freak hailstorms, they can stay warm and dry (and monitored :)) in the mall. Granted, they have to fend for themselves outside of business hours, but for those 9 or 10 hours, at least, they have the chance to socialize in relative peace. If things get really tense, they know that security will be coming by to make sure things stay cool. And it's always nice to know that you've got some kind of backup. Sure, they may smoke where they're not supposed to, sit on things that weren't meant for sitting, walk the equivalent of the Indianapolis 500, but they're not shooting people. They're not destroying anything. They're just hanging out. But that's the part that makes me sad sometimes. A company pays me rather well to walk back and forth through that mall for 8 hours. These guys, they do it for free. Sometimes I forget that "don't you have something better to do with your time?" is too often a rhetorical question. 041205 ... makes me sad some days: daffy's_back and the_return_of_spambot21 041205 ... Syrope people. you're still not a people. 041205 ... jane i realized one of my biggest fears is that i'm going to think i want to die, and be looking out the window or off of the roof, and the second i decide not to jump, somebody's going to fake-push me out, and i'm really going to fall 041207 ... unhinged 'today is a day that will live in infamy' i was at pearl harbor this summer. i cried at the uss arizona memorial. both my grandfathers were stationed out of pearl harbor way off in the pacific in the merchant marine and making parts for the atomic bomb on tinian island. both after that day, thank god. thinking of pearl harbor makes me sad, if only because it was one of the last places i saw my brother. not likely to see him again for a whole nother year. having no physical approximation to my brother makes me sad. we're close like that; close in the way that physical distance doesn't matter but it's nice to feel someone's atomic particles hitting you every now and again. withdrawal roughdraft for_frank heroin_doll i have this set of piano pieces by tchaikowsky that i learned from his album for the young...'the sad doll' 'the doll's funeral' 'morning prayer' and i play them like a prayer for my heroin_doll hoping that he'll still be alive when i get back home. waiting for someone to die; the dread of it makes me sad. 041207 ... monee the pawn song cd broke the other day) 041211 ... monee see: i_do_stupid_things 041211 ... monee and thankyou dot 041211 ... monee storky: i'm glad you liked the pawn song line,...too bad my cd broke, was one of my favourite po' girl songs. at their concert they said the song is a true story for them (pawning everything, including clarinet and bed). 041211 ... Zoe a dead animal on the side of the highway, listening to a child in a store being yelled at, a cloudy day, seeing parents with small children smoking, consumerism, thinking about friends lost, the smell of a yellow rose, the sound of his voice, a train whistle, the ocean, left over wrapping paper that never gets used, the slightly damaged stuffed animal, old pictures, memories. 041211 ... pobodys nerfect Seeing my sisters' boys grow up. I've babysat them ever since they were tiny little things,and even though their great kids,i miss the times when i used to tuck them into bed and give them a kiss on the cheek and they wouldn't wipe away the "girl germs". I get sad not being able to be there for my long-distance friends whenever i think they could really use something more than the word "hug" typed on the screen. Not having a boyfriend,cause sometimes it's just unbearably lonely. Seeing/reading/watching on tv, stories of people who are poor and really down on their luck having one crappy thing after another happen to them (eg. huge medical bills to pay off and they've lost their homes or whatever). And it really breaks my heart if kids are involved. And it always makes me sad(and angry)seeing the stories where a parent kills their child(ren) and then takes their own life,because to me, it's an incredibly selfish act--how could any parent take a sweet childs life? If they want to kill themselves,fine,but leave an innocent child out of it. 041211 ... Freak My growing belly sometimes embarrasses me and sometimes I feel ashamed over it being that Im only 20 years old. The part that makes me feel so bad is the fact that I feel that way in the first place and I feel that I shouldn't...its so confusing 041212 ... Syrope giving someone a gift and watching them give it away 041212 ... kelc when something ruins my plans an di let someone down. 050205 ... Saddled Crooks I get sad when you get drunk. It makes you horny, and you press up against me, and turn around, and take my hands and wrap them around my body and make me hold you, and thrust your ass against my crotch: these are things I love, but if I had to count the times you've brushed me off because we're in public - because we're kissing on the metro - because we're kissing in a stairwell - because i've wiggled my hand under your shirt to palm your stomach in the park, and people come out, god forbid, how horrible to see two kids in "love." but there is a difference, i think, in you and me: you seem to care more about people you've never met, who've never met you, who, i guarantee, could care less about you. you don't want to kiss in front of them. you dont want to "make them uncomfortable." but you have no problem making me uncomfortable, at a party, surrounded by all our friends? and i am never drunk; i am always sober, maybe high, and your ass is pressing my belt into my stomach, and it hurts, and you are kissing me too hard, and i was in the middle of a conversation over there - and now you are gone, another boy, another boy, next, next, the next. and wasn't i your boyfriend? weren't you just pressing up against ME??? Ohhhhh... I see! I wasn't responding; I DIDN'T kiss you too hard and I DON'T have a raging hard-on and i don't want to fuck you, not right here, not right now!!!! maybe it just makes me ANGRY. 050205 ... pSyche the thought that maybe you don't love me. maybe it's just a trick of my mind... Am I lying to myself? Am I seeing what I should not? I'm scared to ask you, Because what if you have just been using me the entire time I've loved you? 050205 ... .nom knowing i could've painted thousands of pictures already by now 050205 ... nom the clarinet is still broken 070101 ... native_persimmon when i ask and you don't answer when you ask and i don't answer when i ask and i don't answer 070102 ... . the latest technological_innovations almost always give me a pang of depression. "slow it down, children," i think, having observed the primitive emotional development of most males. 070102 ... it really doesnt matter who this person is a windowless office. 070103 ... nocturnal the travel channel, because the thought of spending my life practicing law rather than sailing around the world seeing everything there is to see actually causes me physical pain, but I seem to be trapped on this horrible and narrow path and I don't know how to get out. 070105 ... stork daddy just get out. 070105 ... robert frost the best way out is through. 070105 ... blown cherry the loss of trust, and the hopelessness of wondering if it will ever return. 070106 ... unhinged shades of suffering a river art the boat that gets us safely to the other side shostakovich ivet van_gogh plath brahms ee_cummings postwar communist oppression postindustrial economic depression stoic but ill_minded distortion morbid isolated psychoses tender chivalrous longing satirical humorous devastation at it's best devastatingly beautiful 070106 ... flowerbed on a cloud Sébastien 080420 what's it to you? who go blather from