the_damage_done
a clever disguise An ode to the sweet wonderful sting of my own mistakes and their burning repercussions. 111013
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a clever disguise Regret_Nothing.

This is a common theme in life. Sure, we all make mistakes. Those mistakes give us experience and character. Shape us into who we are. I agree.

But there is one mistake I regret. And perhaps only because it is the one mistake that left me burned most, where most of those which will follow left me only friendless, but no worse for wear.

That one.

That one man. Who I admired, adored, idolized. Who I allowed myself to change for and try to be the bimbo he wanted. Who I would later describe as the Paul to the Paul and John of my life. To whom I desperately wanted to be the Linda.

His scars will never leave me, mentally or physically. The bittersweet memory of the father-figure, muse, inspirer, manipulator and bad-influence. The one hidden gory detail that haunts me at every doctor's visit. The one gift that he gave me, that every girl jealous of my favors was lucky to avoid.

She (the she I had hoped and prayed every day would go away) had an abortion. I suppose I should have figured that was a warning sign that he was no one to trifle with, but no, I looked at their ensuing demise as my turn.

Now_it's_my_turn, indeed.

And I guess he did too, because after that show, he was all mine.

When_the_Angels_Fall playing in the background. The final culmination of everything I had been dreaming about for years. Funny how finally having sex seemed like the glue that would bind.

Stupid_Girl.

The next morning I had to go home to be in my sister's wedding. (Which ended 6 weeks later, oddly enough.) All day thinking both what a mistake and what a wonderful new life I have ahead of me.

He lured me back. He needed me for his work and I needed to be there, so I moved. Only to find that they had worked things out and I was just a feather_in_the_wind he had momentarily chased, and now I needed to still be there and help, just without the cherry_on_top.

But oh did I get the cherry_on_top. Of course, it would take me years to put all the pieces back together of comments he made. Or lyrics to songs that make it oh so obvious. But heaven forbid he give me some warning.

But you can't blame him. I have made the same mistake in years after, and so has practically everyone else in recent years. It's allegedly no_big_deal.

But I have to be reminded so often in so many mundane daily tasks, or songs or memories that take you back.

Had I stayed home that night. Had I sought for love instead of skin. Had I been more interpretive of what all his references could have meant. I would never have made that mistake.

That one.

That one mistake I regret.
111013
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a clever disguise Experimenting.

How do you experiment something that takes two without involving someone else? Well, you can't. And you can't find anyone who just wants to experiment. Well, not girls anyway.

You tell your friends and maybe one of those friends wants to experiment, but she doesn't know and you don't either, so you need someone to guide you. Those who can guide you don't want to help you unless something is in it for them. Trust me.

Luckily for me, I was something of a prize in many of their eyes, well at least the idea of me I had created was... So, I didn't have any trouble eventually finding participants.

No experiment ever seemed good enough, though. Well, this time we were on this drug, and that time we were too drunk. That girl wasn't as attractive, and this girl wasn't that great. My need for experimentation never went away and all the while I am spinning more webs to more girls and needing to get more and more creative to lose them once their utility waned.

At that point, was I even experimenting? What the hell was I doing?

I had been in love with a girl once. Or, at least I think I had. We had shared a few months_inseparable and I ruined it by getting scared people would find out and I ran off with some boy to keep people from talking. In some ways, I am still in love with that girl. But I would never tell anyone.

Was I perpetuating this other life that no practical people in my life were allowed to know? Was I really gay but scared to come out or was I really straight and just set afire by the ability to have my way with whomever I chose?

I still don't even really know.

I know I have avoided the queer&allies group at my (extremely liberal) church because I am afraid I may get a crush or a hankering to open that door that has been closed since I've had a daughter and a stable relationship.

I know that I have never really "liked" a girl who "liked" me, and only had strong feelings for those who were unattainable or I didn't know were attainable.

Perhaps I will be Bi-Curious in perpetuity.
111013
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a clever disguise The_Note.

My daughter's father is a mad man. That line they talk about between genius and crazy, yeah, he's crossed it. But god damn, he is the smartest man alive.

Can a man BE that smart and still be good inside? I think the answer must be no.

Well, he fell in love with me twice. The first time I left him to follow some stupid dream in a ghost town. The second time, I don't know what eventually ended his love, but there were so many obstacles (almost all of which I intentionally put up) along the way. It got smaller and smaller everyday. And the size of the original love held, but was filled with contempt and pain.

One such obstacle was the_note.

You see, like so many before, this man had chased an idea. A dancing shadow cast by a wild party's bonfire and too much wine. But this idea could not be supported, it did not exist. I woke up in the afternoon with clothes missing, a headache and a man painstakingly in love with me.

This second time around, I had just returned home from a few year stint in the ghost town. I was in the midst of a crumbling engagement. I needed a crutch, I guess, to help ease the pain of a wedding dress bought but never to be worn.

He was there, almost miraculously. I answered the phone when he called for his second interview and he paused. When I took the message he said his name slow and plain as day to make sure that the only girl with my name in anyone's recollection knew exactly who she was talking to.

And it started again. He got the job and he wanted the girl that left him all those years ago.

It can't always be my fault. The nature of a bad breakup is that those who subject themselves to the rebound are the idiots. But, boy, in my analysis of what is and isn't, should and shouldn't be, can and can't be I can be quite thorough, leaving no possibility unexamined.

I didn't love this man. I had and would never love this man. Unlike many others, I eventually told him this. Time_and_time_again. He never believed me. Like so many, he thought I was just being cautious or a tease or playing hard to get.

As time went on, I saw others, fooled around, we weren't exclusive and I had every right. But still, he didn't believe.

So one day, I had the best idea. I would write him a song and the_note. This note would tell him everything. Every dingy, dark sin that had occurred since we knew each other. Down to the sinewy details of every man and woman. How it happened. Where it happened. Why it happened. Then he would finally believe who he was dealing with and why he needed to move on.

At the time, I thought I was really helping him. Sure it would hurt, but in the end he would have closure and be able to walk away knowing he was better off.

I gave him the_note at our coffee shop. I had somewhere to be and he did to and we went to our cars.

Later, he found me, chased me down with his car. I got away, but he busted down my apartment door, stole my money, threatened to kill me, all while professing undying love.

This was a good year before I would eventually become pregnant with his child...
111013
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unhinged battered_woman_syndrome



and eventually
apologies just become
empty meaningless sounds



you still call
still
i haven't answered in eight? months now
and you still call

i was with my boyfriend
the beautiful wonderful man i give that title to now
travelled 1700 miles
to be with me for my birthday



and there it was
a strange milwaukee phone number and a voicemail
i checked it
heard your voice say 'hey homegirl'
and pushed 7 before i heard
another empty meaningless sound
in pitches vaugely familiar
to the anxious sick part of my heart
you chewed up and spit out
too many times for me to count
blame it on the drugs
blame it on your childhood

i would have listened to the whole thing first
if he wouldn't have been walking next to me
holding my hand
holding me up


and then i think of it
all the damage done
how ashamed i am to think
i let it go on for so long

i push 7 now
111013
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a clever disguise . 111014
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a clever disguise All these actions
Years over years over years
Think first, you idiot
Think first

Look before you leap
Whisper before you scream
Mourn before you move on
Stop the bus

There is no restart
You can't break the links
The tape is rolling
The whole world is watching, feeling, remembering

Think first
And maybe, just maybe
111014
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birdmad i have run myself in circles over her until i wore a groove

the groove became a rut, the rut became a trench, but i am a creature of habit and memory and i've gone too far to climb out now

and i dare not call for any other to lift me out for fear of dragging them down with me

this_is_the_way
111015
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a clever disguise that poor girl, i remember thinking.

i wanted so badly to tell the truth. to tell her that i didn't know it was a trap and that though i came to support i was brought to enable. none of us can say no. none of us overpower the_grand_puppy_dog_eyed_manipulator.

i did as he asked. i watched as he lied and made excuses and hid the truth and i went along with it.

the drugs coursed and i was mad at him for ruining the good feeling with this cover-up and i wanted to tell her but i couldn't.

so i held her hand. all night.

i wanted to tell her i was a jerk and that i was unappreciative and that i was an opportunist and i judged her and be honest about everything, but i couldn't. i could only hold her hand. why she let me, i'll never know.

at the end the drugs were just too strong and i couldn't lie anymore so i got out of there and avoided her. i didn't want to be alone with him, i wanted to be free from the lie.

he won as he always does. we're all idiots.
120110
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a clever disguise ^ harrisburg 120612
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unhinged i let you because i loved you

heart_pang



underneath all the anger and tears
all_there_ever_was
love
120613
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REAListic optimIST hedging_my_bets
holding_onto_hope
the_damage_done
is negligible
120614
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from