emoticon realistic optimist i have no emoticons to express what has happened. i have no 13375p33k to describe how i feel. a player of a first person shooter realistic world war two team objective based computer game and i exchanged quite a bit of text between us. we made each other laugh, and explored the depths of each others dreams and weaknesses, fears and accomplishments over the course of a few months. never did our relationship manifest outside the ether, yet in many ways, i felt a deeper connection with this girl than i have with almost any person i've met IRL. she could do to me with mere words what others could not do in person. a brilliant and talented girl, she could speak or write several languages, had a splendidly sharp wit, and had more balls than most men i know. in the short time i knew her, she survived more than many do in a lifetime. in a foreign land, not speaking the native tongue, she attended a police academy. while training, she worked as a security guard, and in the line of duty was shot in the chest. while healing from this, she became a certified officer. she was saving money to visit me and to explore the united states, having offered to take me to New Orleans based on my descriptions of its splendor. she told me that she loved me. she had never looked into my eyes, but when she said it she meant it. it was a big ordeal for her to have said it, and she meant it. i told her i could not say the same until i could peer into her eyes. i told her how i did feel, that she possesseed, without trying or knowing, the characteristics i have sought for so long in a woman. she was deeply caring, and attentive, and witty, full of dark humor, and playfulness, and intelligence; she had the heart of a winner at any cost, and had amazing courage. but i had to reserve the word love. our relationship consisted only of words, and i had to reserve that one. Before she was able to completely heal, and before she had saved enough money, something horrible happened. something sacred was ripped from her. she was screamed at, beaten, and raped by her landlord, and in that moment, the opposite of divine intervention occured. i knew nothing of this at the time. i just got a frantic message in the middle of the night that she was packing her things, and she was to return home to her country and may not return to north america. she stayed with her family a bit, and had her friends drop me a line to let me know when she would return. upon her return, i learned the dire news that she was pregnant from this ill begotten, unwanted meeting of flesh. she found abortion to be as untenable as carrying the child to term as untenable as being a mother. she was different. cold. distant. introverted. dire. and alone. she wouldn't talk to me, just asked once for me to support whatever decision she chose. of course i agreed, but i made her promise to talk to me. to keep me informed about how she was feeling and thinking. and she promised. i spoke to her once more after the abortion, and for a while, got her to smile and laugh as if the weight of her decision were not on her shoulders. i wrote her poetry, and heartfelt letters. i received no reply. tonight, i received a frantic message that i had to contact her friend, that something had happened. i knew what it was, what it had to be. i contacted him anyway. she had promised me too, that she was too proud to "do anything stupid." sure enough, suicide was the destination, and slit wrists the ticket. when he found her, she hadn't a pulse, but was still clinically alive. as i write this, she is in the hospital, hopefully fighting for her life with all that she has, and now that her conscious mind is taken out of the equation, and knowing how fiery her heart is, i know that she is fighting fiercely, regardless of the odds at hand. she left me a suicide letter. she called me her angel. i certainly dont feel like an angel. im not sure what i feel. she asked favors of me, the first of which was to not be angry. she broke her promises to me! i jsut don't kno whow she can ask me to restrict my emotion. she asks me to be friends with her friends i came to know in text only as well through her. and she tells me to be successful and happy. i'm not sure the gravity of the situation has even set in yet. but whatever you believe in please give this girl a little of your spirit, a little of your faith. and perhaps i will be able to find an emoticon to express things that should never be confined to just ether. 030911 ... oldephebe boy, when you said more to come, you weren't kidding compelling - i was stapled to every syllable a new voice has begun to emblazon the walls of blather riveting, please keep sharing and yeah i'll definately cast up a few prayers for your friend later, ... ... 030911 ... misstee god, r.o., i'm sitting here at work seething, i just want to roar in the face of the impersonal malice that does horrible things to wonderful people, to find the proper diety and choke them out until they undo what they've done. it snaps all of my petty inconveniences back into perspective, both within and without. it makes me want to grow grey wings so that i could fold you in them, take you out of time with me so that we could find those dieties and together defy them, a quest for a girl's soul. it fills me with other despairs, too; the moanings of poets in troubled sleep; but these i won't share, because i have room enough in my basket to carry them, and i *insist* that the world is a shining place full of promise, and that is why this makes me so angry, makes me cry out like a coach at a bad referee call. makes me want to stomp to the plate and punch the umpire in the nose. the child's cries of "it's not fair!" are the harshest lessons, despite their truth. i refuse these lessons. it is my foma that life is fair if not kind, that there is reason and rhyme and beauty and ugliness, that there is a goddess with a badazz sense of humor looking down on all this and pulling the strings. but when faced with something like this, i can't refuse the child's wounded cry. "best wishes" would be empty platitudes. with every fiber of me i demand that this powerful soul be given what is rightfully hers, beauty and opportunity. one boy i know would laugh, and say that it was typically american of me, this idea of a birthright. perhaps it is, but i don't care. i can't just stand idly by and watch beauty destroyed. i rave for her; i scream for her; and for you too, shining spirit, i demand peace. i can hear the gods hiding in their halls. blame hangs in the air like a ball paused mid-toss. this, dear friend, all of this, is utterly unacceptable. 030911 ... realistic optimist i've prayed, attempted chaos magic, tried nonlocal reiki, and things less well defined. i appreciate your kind words misstree, and yours, oldephebe. when i called her friend who found her, he said the doctor was a bit more optimistic than earlier, and that he would call me if there were any changes. i am redoubling my efforts at channeling my faith and spirit into this girl's lost soul. 030911 ... lc My thoughts are with you RO, and with her. I am worse at comforting people than I am at keeping in contact with old friends, but I do truely hope that she recovers from this ordeal. 030911 ... User24 feels hollow. 030913 ... oldephebe beautiful misstree please share more of your unique spirit if you have the time ... 030913 ... oldephebe i don't have words to adress the enormity and the outrage, the defilement of a scaredness your cherished freind endured - i would just echo the spirit of misstrees powerful sentiments - the power of souls united in prayer has defied the expectations and conclusions of strict empiricists - and rigorously rational men/women - i echo r.o.'s and u-24's and mistree's call to unite all of our spirits in projecting enmasse a positive outcome, an ameliorating of the striations cutting across her Being maybe we could all agree on a time of day to project our intentions toward your friend r.o. ... 030913 ... oldephebe should be -the defilement of a sacredness, turning a tower of light into a scarred temple of tearing pain, unfathomable..my bad.. 030913 ... realistic optimist your call for such a thing has moved my heart and stirred my central nervous system into firing at a frequency, vibrating at a higher state of godself, magnifying my ability to pray, to project, to manifest. if you can all, some, or one - not at the "same time," but at the same point of your own relative times, so as not to dilute the power of self in the casting of such a spell, pray and hope and envision and love as your ritual between waking life and sleeping life: matter life, and spirit; i would be more grateful and joyous and rapturous than i could express with these twisted fingers expressing my contorted perspective. 030913 ... oldephebe not contorted at all - what you and misstree share, among others similarly constituded, is Beatific, okay now part of my imperiously inculcated pentacostal piety is howling heretic out of the dark corner of it's current relegation, please share more of yourself with us - and yes i like your idea much better, it's definately doable ... 030913 ... realistic optimist thank you thank you. i could feel the push from not one soul but several to manifest our desired outcome. after surgery to repair collapsed atreries and veins, she will be released from the white walls of sterile reconstitution back into the world of tearing and bearing. and again i say thank you 030922 ... silentbob if you could see my face right now, you'd notice it is like that of the frowny emoticon 031028 ... whitechocolatewalrus RO, i don't know what to say. I am desparately sorry for you and for your friend. to me it seems as the though the world is trying to hurt and anger and torture everyone it can. i know this is about as far as i can get from the truth, but sometimes this is what i believe. thank god that your friend is okay. do you connect with her still? 040125 ... realistic optimist no 040126 ... walrus i am sorry. 040126 ... Death of a Rose My deepest sympathy to you RO. . 040130 ... realistic optimist blah, as far as i know the whole thing was a ruse. i'm jaded cuz i recently found out one of the pics she sent was fake. 040131 ... oE What? 040305 ... realistic optimist well to be fair, i was never truly sure she was real... just an online acquaintance with no irl contact, so i was fond of saying that i had no way to be sure she wasn't just some fat pimply preteen having a laugh at my expense. we did talk for hours sometimes on irc, and she had a good enough sense of humor to keep me interested in chatting for that lenghth of time on several occasions. however, i have gone over the irc logs, and it was a very well played ruse if it was, in fact a ruse. additionally, i did call the person with whom she was supposedly staying while she was in the hospital and had a conversation that seemed somewhat convincing. the very strange thing, however, was that i followed some random link one day to a site called fakers.com and one of the pictures she had sent me that was supposedly of her was on there. the site's purpose is essentially to expose those who give fake pictures of themselves. so i suppose the jury is still out, mostly because i have decided that in the very short time i became acquainted with her, there was so much crazy drama that i'd rather not wade through any more quagmire to determine the validity of the experience. i'd rather let it drop. i know this leaves a sour taste in the mouth of anyone who had empathy for me or this girl, and as such i contemplated not posting about the potentiality of the ruse, but then i figured that if the story was more important than the truth, why was i so appalled at finding the picture on fakers.com? 040306 what's it to you? who go blather from