sometimes_these_nights_are_unbearable
. . 050205
...
oldephebe Lu Yu (1125 - 1209)

I cannot sleep. The long, long
Night is full of bitterness.
I sit alone in my room,
beside a smoky lamp.
I rub my heavy eyelids
And idly turn the pages
Of my book. Again and again
I trim my brush and stir the ink.
The hours go by. The moon comes
In the open window, pale
And bright like new money.
At last I fall asleep and
I dream of the days on the
River at Tsa-feng, and the
Friends of my youth in Yen Chao.
young and happy we ran
Over the beautiful hills.
And now the years have gone by.
And I have never gone back.

(translated by Kenneth Rexroth)


...
050206
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sahba sleepless nights
looking for that peace
"you dont have faith "
i heard it right didnt i
i dont
i dont have faith in me
or anything else
050206
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. im_on_the_outside_of_love 050206
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oldephebe I stepped out of my faith and the Night shattered around me.
...
050210
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. . 050509
...
China The New Directions Anthology of http://jacketmagazine.com/23/rex-weinb.html

Classical Poetry
050509
...
with Insomnia

Even when I fall asleep early,
My nights are long and full of bitterness.
Tonight, tortured
, Memories of the past flood back...
050509
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. leave your fingerprint if you know, you know 050809
...
Doar . 050809
...
stork daddy sometimes? 050809
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icy let me sit in torturous silence
but this time i bear it alone.
050809
...
egger when it's so quiet
i can hear myself rot.
050809
...
sab it was so cold
my thoughts were misting over like breath
and the stars glittered in the room like the roof wasnt even there
as i lay there and tried to keep warm

by keeping as still as i could
and not getting up for any more clothes, reasoning that if i got up, i'd be colder still.

it was so cold
i lay and wondered about the myth where if youre so cold, you start to feel warm
and then you die

i lay all night, waiting for the tide
to turn
050810
...
unhinged you don't know how long i've stood alone
perfect friend
silent phone
empty hands always grasping


years have washed away the memories
seldom single few
where he held it all inside of me
but that was years ago

these empty silent nights alone
so unbearable
050811
...
megan when i know that just ten minutes ago i was in your arms
and i can't just kick my shoes off
and be your baby all night

when i feel like the only thing holding me back are these covers
and i can't just get up and find you
and be your baby all night

when all i yearn for
is to lay
quietly together
all night

these nights are unbearable
050811
...
. WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING REACH OUT TO ME BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE BEING ALWAYS ALONE ANYMORE

PLEASE
050820
...
. oh, just fucking forget it 050820
...
. i know how you feel 050820
...
. thank you 050820
...
. save_me 050907
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icy sometimes it's so hard to be happy and sleep unencumbered 051102
...
IGG i am screaming
screamingscreamingscreaming
it's not enough
no release

WHY wont this feeling leave me alone?
i was suppsoed to be happy and now everythings starting again in this cycle of depression, the one that has plagued me for SO FUCKING LONG

no no no no no
i wont do this again
screaming
i want to escape this feeling
how do other people avoid it?
do they even feel this?

screamingscreamingscreaming
locked in my human box.
051103
...
andru235 daytime depresses me, night does not.

IGG, i know...
i know "no no no no no"
i guess though for me it isn't cyclic
cuz i also know know know know know
what triggers my depressions
and i also know know know know know
the ways to counter them

however, many of the "cures" are beyond my individual power - i can't make other people do stuff. usually a hug from someone i more-than-platonically like will instantly cure my depressions - but how do i procure that whilst alone? or finishing a piece of music will also work, usually, but sometimes i can't get in the "flow".

i don't need a pill. i don't need to talk about it with a stranger.

i need to feel productive at my art. i need a connection to mysterious things. i need to feel like the world isn't on the brink. i need fraternity.

in the prolonged absence of all four, i need a forest hut where i can fast unto mine end. but even that cannot be readily had, here in "the_land_of_the_free"
051103
...
a thimble in time There was evening
and there was mourning.
One void.
051104
...
a thimble in time There was evening
and there was mourning.
One void.
051104
...
IGG andru235
i dont know what triggers it,
but i think it's my friends.
and yet they are my coping mechanism....
hence i don't cope that well.

so i will sit
and write (although it's rare that i can these days, it doesn't stop it and i can't write anything when i feel like this - therefore i become more upset)
and blathe
and be ignored
and ignore
and music doesn't help.

i feel i am the only bridge between my insanity and the reality everyone else seems to be in.

the joys of feeling.
i think there really is something wrong with me. (im going to talk to the nice doctor with my cousin soon).
051106
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walrie (i want to live in my fantasy but as i am laying in the dark i know that my reality is slipping slipping slipping slipping between my fingers
tattered and torn the work i have to do to fix it up is so unbearable i don't even want to start i wish for a miracle i lie here hoping hoping things will get better but it's my fault they're worse in the first place
my thoughts are slowly suffocating me and the morning seems so far away.)
051106
...
oren The moment I read the word "morning" in your post, the word "morning" was sung on my radio.

Then, as I was typing this post, it happened again as I typed "morning."

a_drop_in_entropy.
051106
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icy i need another fix, another thing to focus on, not to forget or ignore, but perhaps to help hold in the background the things i cannot face just yet. something to take my mind off all the hurt and pain that i do not know how to relieve yet - or even if it can be relieved, for perhaps i must simply learn to live with it on my own. maybe it will always be with me, but maybe i can at least regulate it somehow so it doesn't take over and send me spiraling down, falling falling, yet again... i do not even seek a release but a reprieve - just for a little while, temporary in every sense, but just to not feel this much for a little while. conflictions of missing you and loathing you, yearning and hating... but maybe not necessarily you, but the companionship and sharing.

is it so bad to be me? alone, by myself? nowhere_left_to_fall?
051223
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icy oh, yes, and don't forget the nightmares. sometimes they're worse 051223
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oldephebe ! 051224
...
. this blathe grew since I first made it
and once in awhile I still feel it
051224
...
pete slowly passing in memory
slowly passing in anticipation
but still more than a week of them to go
but what's another week?
i must remember the words spoken
in the empty auditorium
beneath the trees
in sight of the river
even if i don't want them to be true
i know they are
but her wish i can extend
at least to mom
051225
...
Antonio Banderas being sad is so easy. by then all energy is gone. sometimes it takes the world to move, but I can't sleep. too much on my mind. it's all a mush in there, no differentiation. Catching myself saying terrible things about myself.

staring into the tree's and my car almost runs off the road. I wasn't paying attention, forgot to turn with the lines, could have died.

there is this constant dialogue. analyzing everything i see think hear feel. let it be.
051226
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. . 061015
...
Jordan my pain is thought
Sleep quietly and sometimes loudly sets in
thought disapates...

for a time


and then those dreams come

The messy ones full of lose

The abstract that leave me unfulfilled

the memories of days past and days to come


The hurt explosions that rupture me into conscious



CONSCIOUS THOUGHT
thoughts of things lingering in closets

That is unbearable


the mind wanders to where you don't want it to go

You can't avoid a thought

You just think of it more

and then it consumes

until you fall asleep, and then the childish monster is put to bed


that is


if you can get to sleep


Either that, or it will feed


It is worse than any other creature

Because it is all the individual fears put into one


Friends die, family suffers, limbs deformed, total blackness, giant spiders, naked in public, losing your love, giving birth, being raped, being loved, being hated....etc, etc, etc...


but then sleep, and the gentle kiss of morning. For a moment lingering between sleep and conscious, and here you have complete control, but then



chaos

sets

in
061016
...
. . 061126
...
pete reading my previous blathe on the topic i am struck by confusion. i can't remember the words i was afraid of being true. i can't recall exactly what all this was, or is, or could be. who's words did i extend to my mother on christmas-last? i think, i feel, they were the words of a fictional character who i, one summer while walking in a sad remembrance of a brother long dead, created and then wrote much about in the form of beautiful dialogues on the topic of a love separated by reality, from reality, because of the basis of reality. but i don't know. i need this hangover to fade, to cleanse, and to leave me be. it's not even the hangover from the excessive drinking that got me dancing in an after hours bar last night. no. its the hangover of love that has been trying to replace love-lost with lust-found. i remember last night after my good friend, my longtime roommate, asked me if a certain girl was single and i told him not to ask.

it felt so good to hold hands again.
061126
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stork daddy that's not true. you can add a bear to anything. tonight for instance, is eminently panda bearable. 061127
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falling_alone how many games?
afraid to sleep, what would they break next...
061127
what's it to you?
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blather
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