sometimes_these_nights_are_unbearable . . 050205 ... oldephebe Lu Yu (1125 - 1209) I cannot sleep. The long, long Night is full of bitterness. I sit alone in my room, beside a smoky lamp. I rub my heavy eyelids And idly turn the pages Of my book. Again and again I trim my brush and stir the ink. The hours go by. The moon comes In the open window, pale And bright like new money. At last I fall asleep and I dream of the days on the River at Tsa-feng, and the Friends of my youth in Yen Chao. young and happy we ran Over the beautiful hills. And now the years have gone by. And I have never gone back. (translated by Kenneth Rexroth) ... 050206 ... sahba sleepless nights looking for that peace "you dont have faith " i heard it right didnt i i dont i dont have faith in me or anything else 050206 ... . im_on_the_outside_of_love 050206 ... oldephebe I stepped out of my faith and the Night shattered around me. ... 050210 ... . . 050509 ... China The New Directions Anthology of http://jacketmagazine.com/23/rex-weinb.html Classical Poetry 050509 ... with Insomnia Even when I fall asleep early, My nights are long and full of bitterness. Tonight, tortured , Memories of the past flood back... 050509 ... . leave your fingerprint if you know, you know 050809 ... Doar . 050809 ... stork daddy sometimes? 050809 ... icy let me sit in torturous silence but this time i bear it alone. 050809 ... egger when it's so quiet i can hear myself rot. 050809 ... sab it was so cold my thoughts were misting over like breath and the stars glittered in the room like the roof wasnt even there as i lay there and tried to keep warm by keeping as still as i could and not getting up for any more clothes, reasoning that if i got up, i'd be colder still. it was so cold i lay and wondered about the myth where if youre so cold, you start to feel warm and then you die i lay all night, waiting for the tide to turn 050810 ... unhinged you don't know how long i've stood alone perfect friend silent phone empty hands always grasping years have washed away the memories seldom single few where he held it all inside of me but that was years ago these empty silent nights alone so unbearable 050811 ... distorted tendencies Because all I can think about is the way your lips tasted last night. And how I knew I shouldn't have been there with you. 050811 ... megan when i know that just ten minutes ago i was in your arms and i can't just kick my shoes off and be your baby all night when i feel like the only thing holding me back are these covers and i can't just get up and find you and be your baby all night when all i yearn for is to lay quietly together all night these nights are unbearable 050811 ... . WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING REACH OUT TO ME BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE BEING ALWAYS ALONE ANYMORE PLEASE 050820 ... . oh, just fucking forget it 050820 ... . i know how you feel 050820 ... . thank you 050820 ... . save_me 050907 ... icy sometimes it's so hard to be happy and sleep unencumbered 051102 ... IGG i am screaming screamingscreamingscreaming it's not enough no release WHY wont this feeling leave me alone? i was suppsoed to be happy and now everythings starting again in this cycle of depression, the one that has plagued me for SO FUCKING LONG no no no no no i wont do this again screaming i want to escape this feeling how do other people avoid it? do they even feel this? screamingscreamingscreaming locked in my human box. 051103 ... andru235 daytime depresses me, night does not. IGG, i know... i know "no no no no no" i guess though for me it isn't cyclic cuz i also know know know know know what triggers my depressions and i also know know know know know the ways to counter them however, many of the "cures" are beyond my individual power - i can't make other people do stuff. usually a hug from someone i more-than-platonically like will instantly cure my depressions - but how do i procure that whilst alone? or finishing a piece of music will also work, usually, but sometimes i can't get in the "flow". i don't need a pill. i don't need to talk about it with a stranger. i need to feel productive at my art. i need a connection to mysterious things. i need to feel like the world isn't on the brink. i need fraternity. in the prolonged absence of all four, i need a forest hut where i can fast unto mine end. but even that cannot be readily had, here in "the_land_of_the_free" 051103 ... a thimble in time There was evening and there was mourning. One void. 051104 ... a thimble in time There was evening and there was mourning. One void. 051104 ... IGG andru235 i dont know what triggers it, but i think it's my friends. and yet they are my coping mechanism.... hence i don't cope that well. so i will sit and write (although it's rare that i can these days, it doesn't stop it and i can't write anything when i feel like this - therefore i become more upset) and blathe and be ignored and ignore and music doesn't help. i feel i am the only bridge between my insanity and the reality everyone else seems to be in. the joys of feeling. i think there really is something wrong with me. (im going to talk to the nice doctor with my cousin soon). 051106 ... walrie (i want to live in my fantasy but as i am laying in the dark i know that my reality is slipping slipping slipping slipping between my fingers tattered and torn the work i have to do to fix it up is so unbearable i don't even want to start i wish for a miracle i lie here hoping hoping things will get better but it's my fault they're worse in the first place my thoughts are slowly suffocating me and the morning seems so far away.) 051106 ... oren The moment I read the word "morning" in your post, the word "morning" was sung on my radio. Then, as I was typing this post, it happened again as I typed "morning." a_drop_in_entropy. 051106 ... icy i need another fix, another thing to focus on, not to forget or ignore, but perhaps to help hold in the background the things i cannot face just yet. something to take my mind off all the hurt and pain that i do not know how to relieve yet - or even if it can be relieved, for perhaps i must simply learn to live with it on my own. maybe it will always be with me, but maybe i can at least regulate it somehow so it doesn't take over and send me spiraling down, falling falling, yet again... i do not even seek a release but a reprieve - just for a little while, temporary in every sense, but just to not feel this much for a little while. conflictions of missing you and loathing you, yearning and hating... but maybe not necessarily you, but the companionship and sharing. is it so bad to be me? alone, by myself? nowhere_left_to_fall? 051223 ... icy oh, yes, and don't forget the nightmares. sometimes they're worse 051223 ... oldephebe ! 051224 ... . this blathe grew since I first made it and once in awhile I still feel it 051224 ... pete slowly passing in memory slowly passing in anticipation but still more than a week of them to go but what's another week? i must remember the words spoken in the empty auditorium beneath the trees in sight of the river even if i don't want them to be true i know they are but her wish i can extend at least to mom 051225 ... Antonio Banderas being sad is so easy. by then all energy is gone. sometimes it takes the world to move, but I can't sleep. too much on my mind. it's all a mush in there, no differentiation. Catching myself saying terrible things about myself. staring into the tree's and my car almost runs off the road. I wasn't paying attention, forgot to turn with the lines, could have died. there is this constant dialogue. analyzing everything i see think hear feel. let it be. 051226 ... . . 061015 ... Jordan my pain is thought Sleep quietly and sometimes loudly sets in thought disapates... for a time and then those dreams come The messy ones full of lose The abstract that leave me unfulfilled the memories of days past and days to come The hurt explosions that rupture me into conscious CONSCIOUS THOUGHT thoughts of things lingering in closets That is unbearable the mind wanders to where you don't want it to go You can't avoid a thought You just think of it more and then it consumes until you fall asleep, and then the childish monster is put to bed that is if you can get to sleep Either that, or it will feed It is worse than any other creature Because it is all the individual fears put into one Friends die, family suffers, limbs deformed, total blackness, giant spiders, naked in public, losing your love, giving birth, being raped, being loved, being hated....etc, etc, etc... but then sleep, and the gentle kiss of morning. For a moment lingering between sleep and conscious, and here you have complete control, but then chaos sets in 061016 ... . . 061126 ... pete reading my previous blathe on the topic i am struck by confusion. i can't remember the words i was afraid of being true. i can't recall exactly what all this was, or is, or could be. who's words did i extend to my mother on christmas-last? i think, i feel, they were the words of a fictional character who i, one summer while walking in a sad remembrance of a brother long dead, created and then wrote much about in the form of beautiful dialogues on the topic of a love separated by reality, from reality, because of the basis of reality. but i don't know. i need this hangover to fade, to cleanse, and to leave me be. it's not even the hangover from the excessive drinking that got me dancing in an after hours bar last night. no. its the hangover of love that has been trying to replace love-lost with lust-found. i remember last night after my good friend, my longtime roommate, asked me if a certain girl was single and i told him not to ask. it felt so good to hold hands again. 061126 ... stork daddy that's not true. you can add a bear to anything. tonight for instance, is eminently panda bearable. 061127 ... falling_alone how many games? afraid to sleep, what would they break next... 061127 what's it to you? who go blather from