i_am_softly_speaking_to_my_heart pj how does a person resist the urge to just give up and let evil... they aren't coming out of my eyes so my brain is starting to burn from the salt overdose. burning for awhile, tingling saline and when you can't even... if you want want my love take it baby if you want want my heart take it baby you can have it all take take take she's not an unconditional type, she'll pull her shoulder away as soon as you need it. another girl pushing me off a cliff. stretcher. bandaggers. because i was standing there waiting. this time i didn't sprint and jump off. it doesn't even add up. i have serious emotional problems. it makes sense why i try hard to not let anybody close. she leaves and it must be my fault. but then there's that tradeoff: empty life with nobody, or damaged life with fragmentary here-and-theres of emotional connection? someday there'll be someone. there is too much good and love and care in my heart. there is no such thing as bad and evil and blatant meanness in this world. there is nothing but sadness and fog. there is no such thing as this life. it's an illusion. this is the level of intellect and creativity that i can come up with in regards to direct emotional release. it's laughable. i'm genuine, i want paradise. there are no curses known to me. i am distinctly a refraction. right now, i see many cliffs/tears. short bursts of hope. and then the generic gathering of ideas, no no i'm not a cold person popular to common opinion. there is a fire in repeated hopelessness. it doesn't add up like it should. that's not the way it is supposed to be. i could wait. there's no time left for response. this isn't my bag, this is someone else's bag, but i will look into this bag and hope that i can find what it is that makes us carry and use these bags. oh i know nothing. it gets to be a project trying to express one's feeling in an abnormally sad state of mind. it's not the same thing as depression--which is more internal; i don't want to say anything to anyone. this is different though and i'm not sure what makes it different. neck and face muscle droop to tense to droop over minutes. i want to cry for all of humanity? uninventive self-expressive writing, yet it's a new need now. stabs. i told myself many years ago that i would never fall in love again. i'm slowly remembering that night and how it still affects me. there's that repetition of her name and whether it was being spoken or echoing...the deciphering would become just as much of a game as not letting another wonderful girl break on through. nothing good lasts. the fleshy part of the palm fits inside of the eyesocket. the mastery of breakthrough was never a mastery. you hold light. it is cold. you are not here. the chest cavity tugs on the throat. it's not mine anymore. nothing is connected to my heart except valves and a blurry squeezing hand. some veins. a few arteries maybe. i never promised a confession of feeling to be interesting. stop reading. it's not for anyone. how seriously should one take their own emotions? they're too ephemeral anyway. yet there's something brewing in the machine. i'm ready to bare my existence to anyone who asks. there is no past or future. tension dissipates to sagging. when i try to control everything... touch me. i won't make a big deal out of it. you're beating! listen... my heart is slightly warm! the hardest part is when blame of the drifting of our relationship goes from you to me. when you are no longer the problem. it comes back on me. it is my blame. guess where it ends? when the exposé makes the head come back to shape. but now will have to do. bye heart. 021226 ... wandering stars I am nothing to get upset over, really. How much can we possibly know without real contact? I just need air. This relationship is doing nothing for either of us. I do care about you, but I just got sick and tired of all of this. we fight all the time, and if we're not "fighting", there is this tension in all the things I have to NOT say. And what is that? It makes very little sense... So don't feel all broken. Just go do something with yourself, with your life. Turn this into something good. sometimes there needs to be death for growth. Like the seeds that will only germinate when there's a forest fire. At least I think thats how it works out. Nothing big and dramatic, ok? It would b nice to be friends with you, so long as we are just friends. everything is fine. 021227 ... Blake Whenever I play a song on my guitar. A new song, anyhow. Or when I manage to shrug all the rehearsal and musicianship away and simply play. Theres two levels see - the level where I'm a musician and I just plain enjoy the songs. And then the level where I'm a poet, and the songs are a way of accessing the poetry. When you sing a pop song, you don't have to mean it, but when you read a poem, you have no choice but to do so. So I've told her that when I sing songs about ex-girlfriends or about fights we've had or about any bad moments in the past, its just a song; Its lost its meaning. And thats true. But every time I pick up the guitar I'm trying to sing to my heart. And most times, at band practice, I don't make much headway. But now and then, I do. So If I play a sad song in the dead of night, and it upsets her, I don't even try to pretend that I don't feel it through and through. So for now, I let her go out on the balcony and cry about what I've just sung. She'll come back in, and she'll understand that I don't have any choice in this - the poet inside has to do this - its the only way I can document my past. And thats also true. 040407 ... egger warm and sad and beautiful, all, and excess truth in "When you sing a pop song, you don't have to mean it, but when you read a poem, you have no choice but to do so." (Blake) 040407 ... oldephebe yeah..Blake that was so..honestly, beautifully put... 040407 ... Blake Thanks. I thought the other two entries were pretty soulbare, myself. 040407 ... oldephebe yeah they were..i just hadn't finished reading them yet 040407 ... pd i am not speaking softly. i am stating in flat, strident tones that you could crack heads open on, because my heart is an idiot who just doesn't listen. so i will discipline it, if only to keep it safe. 040407 ... silentbob please pull it the fuck together 040407 ... Ps Mjd my_heart_is_softly_speaking_to_me (do i listen?) 040408 ... misstree it's okay. we've got this. it's going to be wild. are you ready? stay with the now, baby, there is no later. we've got just a little bit of running left, let's drink deep. good. don't be afraid, we know we'll make it through the reductive retreat, we've been hoping for something like this. flutter all you want, you have every reason to be excited. just don't confuse a roller coaster for a cliff, baby, it's all good, we'll be fine. our roots are twined around the center of All. time to stretch. are you ready? 040408 ... Syrope i want to know what her deal is. of course my friends don't approve, that's how it always works. but she's sure this is what she wants. i can't yell, i know how she stands up to the yelling. i can't use logic or rationale, she's too naive. and so we converse. she says she misses me. 040408 ... birdmad "be still," i tell it. 040408 ... blown cherry I have to let it wash over me, and let it soak through my skin which ever way it will. Then I have to allow my body to react, even if it leads my heart to bleed, sometimes it feels as though my blood has thickened too much anyway. In playing it you feel it through and through, but it is the listening for me that holds pertinence. And you wouldn't ask me to hold that back anymore than I would ask you. In a way there is privilidge in this exchange, well, at my end at least. There are few people who have access to this, or at least access with some understanding of the depths from which it comes. And it may well be that I wish there were more songs about the happy times, songs that could make me smile, but little in number are the blathes expressing any joy on my behalf, and so it is with a great deal of humanity's expressions of the heart. This is not perhaps the person I would have chosen to love - a bringer of such delicate pain, but this is the person I have chosen to be with, and that I believe is something I still have a tentative control over. As long as there is still a tight and warm embrace waiting when I emerge from my cold bubble of seclusion on the balcony, I know this is going to be okay. 040409 ... magicforest Quiet now, don't jump around. Curl up in my chest and be warm and sleepy with excitement. O, behold my little Eyedream heart! Tired and true. 040409 ... megan it was all in good fun don't get attached you know it for once :) and i'm proud of you heart, you're learning to have fun 040409 ... ☺ wake up, come on why wont you wake up? you feel cold...... i told you not to love him. now look what's happened. 040409 ... Piso Mojado dear heart, come on, i think its time that we started helping others- so let me know what is it that i have that i can give (beneficially) to people. 040531 ... globalfruitbat I know what i promised... but I can't help it. I keep throwing you into the paina nd then expecting you to heal yourself with no help from me. I'm sorry. 040814 ... sameolme Thank you for this blathe. I mean thank you for the title of this blathe I have taken it to heart and try to remember to keep in touch with my heart no matter what . Thank you from the top, bottom and center of mine. 051207 ... Lemon_Soda and do you know what it is saying to me? Loneliness is only the product of my own self induced hermitage...your love and my love would fit so well...but neither of us is willing and you don't even realise.... I'm such a good fucking catch... handsome, happy, selfless, excellent prospects, you can't tell me I'm not a good grab... bnut its not enough, and I would feel stupid even asking... I'm not talking about my ex. She wouldn't want me if I owned a third of the globe...but you...you could...you might...your my first crush...before M, before A, before Charlie, there was you... BUt I'm your brother and youy are my sister and that alone would keep you from even thinkming about it... I"d love and cherish and support and encourage...but I can't say it and expect it to impress... I just hope you find what your looking for. 051207 ... pete words flowed through passions to rest on my tongue. ingesting them, i whispered them to my heart alone, speaking more readily available truths in hushed whispers. four times the words filtered back to my tongue, each time i swallowed and whispered something else, equally true, perhaps more heartfelt. warmth filled my soul with each silent smile she gave. 051207 ... Piso Mojado gratitude 051208 ... blown cherry It's such bullshit. Doesn't take a genius to know you just don't go happily reminiscing about your past loves when your girlfriend is in the room. And if she starts to cry then YOU STOP whatever the fuck you are doing to cause it. 101108 ... Lemon_Soda It is impossible not to think or feel of the past, save brain trauma. Get over your own insecurities or see him as noncomittal .. You'll be happier in the long run. 101108 what's it to you? who go blather from